Kitrah

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About Kitrah

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    Advanced Member

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  • Gender Transgender
  • Interests I like cooking, candles, decorating, baking, movies, and music.

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Kitrah's Activity

  1. Kitrah added a blog entry in Kitrah   

    Not Authentic
    So I think there are people who authentic sure. But there are those who aren't. Transition. Detransition. Try to tell the medical community and mental health community what you want when you not even sure what you need then broadcast it on youtube for attention. Action is what determine the direction. Know your actions have results and your responsible for your choices. If your confused, stay away from HRT, its results are more permanent. this is why you go to therapy and do the work. so why am i think about this? I come across this three videos:
     
     
     
     
    i appreciate this kind of thinking. 
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  2. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: Authentic   

    Hi Chrissy and Emma,
    Thanks for encouragement. Validation is something hard to achieve sometime. right now im not concern what other people thinking i just try to focus on what it is that i need to be doing for myself. I try to focus more on positive energy and meditation right now.
    Kitrah
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  3. Kitrah added a blog entry in Kitrah   

    Authentic
    People wonder why it's hard to transition. Believing the lie is more convenient. I deal everyday with friends who refuse to change their mind because they are still hanging onto idea that who I really am is not what they believe. I think this like when people meet tv personality or movie star. That what the version is. 
    Why does it matter to me if other going validate or not. I think about this a lot. It matter because other people are saying it's irrelevant. This not big deal except when it's your friends and family. 
    Validation an area where some people say who care what people think, be yourself. But when being yourself seem to be counterproductive you just  mask the pain. 
    My situation also not great. Lack of money or work make things more difficult. This just adds to the stress by forcing me to be dependent on other people. And now after having surgery I'm more stressed because I can't lift anything and the pain really have left me a mess.  I think when I healed I just going to sell all my stuff, get a ticket and leave America. Met some new people and leave this and the people who are dragging me down.
     
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  4. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: Transforming   

    My best guess is that not all women wear makeup and some prefer not to. That what if someone want go heavy with bright eye shadows and look a canary that their business but i find that not to my liking. When see people who enjoy dress up and costume parties, it alway like a great inner world that allow to come to the surface. I like bright and flashy things and people who are fun to be around. Keeping my voice has become easier in some way but i definite feel the removal of male privilege within society. People tend take me less serious as well as my choice of transitioning to be almost a laughable joke to see how far it will go. Go through transition definite shake things up because everone will tell you where they stand or leave. I cant think of much reason why fight for this so hard other than it the truth. It cost me everything.
     
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  5. Kitrah added a blog entry in Kitrah   

    Transforming
    My next plan going be to change the name legally and i send off for paperwork to get that all in order. my birth state is one lucky one where they will correct the sex marker with letter from doctor so that going be taken care of easier than i thinking. I want get everthing done in order so i will have sex marker changed and then file for the name change and then get driver license again. My plan for next year will be just finish SRS since it is covered under my health insurance so far. I hope there won't be problem in US with the senate that going make this harder for me accomplishing.
    I start to attend a local group meeting for other transgender that have been helpful just to see other who going through same situation. That something that you can't get online, a sense of community so i have thankful to get meet some new people. Some people I have ran into lately have had no problem with use right pronouns and name. I love when that happens but then there are the few who want to remain a challenge and talk about things in a negative light. I choose more to be around those who making me feel good instead of those who just make me terrible.
    Dressing correct still pose challenge, it just difficult and i not used to it or the reactions. i buyed a few more dresses and blouse that i been trying to mix in. All this things really do matter. I think what i find interesting about the gender idenity is that the more i going with and choose to be who i really am, the harder it is to try to be who im not and the happier i am overall. coming from position where i never would have believe this would make me happy, it take a lot of courage and self examine to real know who i am and let go of the delusion of what i wish i am. i think that an important thing to unerstand that with transgender who is buried in the false indenity it is impossible to be happy because you are not being who you really are, but what you think others want you to be or for me, the easy route that going be most socially acceptable.
    So that why it take a lot of courage to be youself and keep your head up. Each day seem present all this challenges, but the hormones have lit my life up with purpose and genuinely more happy than ive ever been. being able see a positive outcome out of all this makes each day better. and wear makeup actually fun. i dont have to pretend i dont like things i really do like anymore and that make all the difference. hope everone have a great day! 
     
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  6. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: some thought   

    I talk my gender therapist a few time about this when i switch my underwear. When i realize my truth it just become hard to continue to lie. If the clothes make you comfortable, then that what you should wear. I give up try to prove the world who I am and that how I know who I am. I not trying measure to up to other opinions. I wear makeup but I try not overdo it all the time. 
    I think you emerging. I think it that way for a lot of us right now. Im glad you gaining confidence too. I talk my therapist about this issue and it really have do with alignment. When you take away the layers of complexity to the roots of gender, then i think you can properly address the issue. I use get hang up on I need to do this or prove this or dress this way or have sex with only one sex or the other. All this just added stress that have more doing with personal taste and sexual attraction than the core issue. All this comes from listening to self and not other people. 
    I feel the times change and with this changes a lot of old stereotypes break including how people view transgender people and this also changes how transgender people view themself. For instant, if the consense is that transgender people are ________ and I am transgender this affect me which is why I stick to my "kind" of people because the world is not an all included resort. 
    I like Seattle to. The people there are nice, the only other place I felt like home was in Utah.I excited for you to. 
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  7. Kitrah added a blog entry in Kitrah   

    some thought
    I choose well when i take the butterfly symbol. It mean a lot more now than when I chose it. I think other animals that change. It's not so strange. tadpole to frog. caterpillar to butterfly, clams to. Going through the process is probably most difficult thing I have complete in my life so far. I been looking to future now and what I want my work to be. I think that it is hard to focus on anything when the anxiety and depression is so severe you cant function. my first thinking was something bad going happen soon because i feel great now. all the pieces making sense and i understand myself on many levels. When I realize the truth i wasnt afraid because i dont want to live another 20 year in denial. I think that more painful. 
    Physical changes happen lately. big thing was confidence. i worry a lot what people thinking. the hormones definitely help me in way i dont expect. it really make me comfortable which i didnt think i could be. that was ainteresting response that i wasn't expect. other thing change my eating habits to eating smaller amounts and thinking perception different. i also working on going vegan. i quit smoking. so all this good things that i need in my life to flourish. now i can focus on my artwork. you can see what i working on at
    http://seraphconstant.deviantart.com

     
    Image credits
     
    http://maxpixel.freegreatpicture.com/Monarch-Butterfly-Flower-Monarch-Butterfly-Insect-2336179
    https://pixabay.com/en/track-butterflies-metamorphosis-1528364/
     
     


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  8. Kitrah added a blog entry in Kitrah   

    the best
    Hi everyone.
    I decided to drop offline for awhile until i got everything straightened out. I started hormones finally and it resolving a lot of issues and things are a lot better. I've been out with some friends and really everyone's been pretty cool so far about everything with the occasional odd glance. There was many times I wanted to just give up on all of this because I was listening to the wrong people. 
    Starting to switch my wardrobe now. started wearing makeup now. So that my update. i hope everone is doing ok
     
    Kitrah
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  9. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: Updates   

    Thanks for the comment Emma.
    I think a big part of therapy is about self exploration. The people who have a problem with me being transgender have already weeded themselves out of my life. It's seems like the more time that passes, the less I seem to care what others think. I do think if I do certain things I will draw attention to myself and under the right circumstances, that's ok. 
    For me, removing the fetishism from being transgender has taken away the taboo of being this way. I see all sorts of hypnosis and be a better sissy videos on the internet which I think has little to do with my experience. I feel in some ways separating transgender from these things is a part of this. I might have somr fetishes of my own, but it's not a determining factor for me. I treat these as separate issues. 
    Other issues like makeup preference and fashion sense I feel have a more intimate connection with me but I feel I have a certain taste. 
    I feel transgender is a state of being that seems to "fix" itself through expression. I feel there's a lot more to it but this is a sufficient start.
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  10. Kitrah added a blog entry in Kitrah   

    Updates
    Updates.
    I have some positives since my absence. I think my therapy had been coming along nicely. I've been becoming a lot more comfortable with being transgender and a lot less intimidated by what people are thinking. At times, I feel like I've given too much of myself away and the rest I have just locked away. I've been trying to find a way to reintegrate myself into society. I've met a handful of people who have been helpful, most are not. I feel like I'm stuck in a loop at times, trying to find the one key that's going to open the door to the good life. 
    In some ways I feel betrayed by life, like I don't want to be this. No matter how I view it, I feel like I am going to always be viewed as less. Thinking on these things just leads me to darker places. 
    My therapist has been suggesting to me to attend at least one transgender event so I can connect on some physical level with others who are going through this. I've been considering it a lot. 
    I've started switching my wardrobe around, wearing makeup at home, focusing more on who I want to be. I feel going slow through this has allowed me to better experience this in a positive way. Knowing that this will be completed at some point is my light. Theres also the whole what do I want to do then? I have a few ideas in mind but the best so far aside from my hobbies is to help other people get where they need to go. A possibility would be social work. 
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  11. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: Acquaintance GRS update   

    This scares me. Out of pocket or not. I want the bottom surgery but will probably opt for the top first. I watched some YouTube video with some trans girl having a breakdown because she almost bled to death.
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  12. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: In retrospect   

    Michele, much of what you wrote is very similar to my situation. I have avoided this issue for long time and lived reckless at times. Fate seem to intervene and put me on new path after accident at work. Now that I can see who I am, it seem like I am coming back stronger. There was many times I wish for death because how I look. I was very confused with men in general. Because I know I am not like them and they don't want to understand. I think it cruel of fate to attract things to me I can't have. I think it cruel to have to disclose this information to male or female because it borders on triggering aggression. I want to just get this done so I don't have to have anymore talks and I can leave this transgender title behind because to me it seem like nasty title. Especially when I read all the nasty things people say and have said to me over the years. It has strong effect on me. Thanks for the update.
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  13. Kitrah added a blog entry in Kitrah   

    Not just looks.
    I had another talk with my roommate so we are on the same page. She was asking me if I was planning on doing the surgery. So I said, "Why wouldn't I? I've been lied to my whole life about this." She went off on a tangent and said something along the lines of, "So you're really doing this because you feel you have to." My response was, "No. I'm doing this so I can be made whole." To someone who doesn't have to deal with the issues of being transgender, there's this assumption that it's all mental. In my case, it is also physical. And in my own head, it's spiritual as well. I want things to match up for once. 
    I've been putting a lot of time into working on my voice and started working with that upper register. It does take some time to switch between the two but I have no problem using my natural voice. I just feel like I've held it inside for so long that hearing it shocked me. My roommate has been wanting to hear it, but I don't feel comfortable sharing it just yet.
     I've been playing it back on recorder studying it. And I'm pretty happy with it. With lowering the voice I don't think the tone is much deeper but more forceful and amplified. I also notice that the faster I talk, the higher it gets. And my laugh, just sound female so I have tried not to laugh much. I really am glad the male hormones didn't affect my voice. 
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  14. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: A dandy day   

    The audible book was called "the now method" but he has a lot of audio books and nice UK accent.
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  15. Kitrah added a blog entry in Kitrah   

    A dandy day
    The end of another week. Not too bad. My therapist and I have been working on the gender issue. I feel depressed this week. It's true what they say. When you are seen a certain way long enough, it's hard for others to adjust. What do people think transgender is? Do they think everyone starts out looking as a perfect 10 woman? No, it takes work and not just surgery. I don't think it's an issue that is solved by just taking some hormone pills.
     I don't think people really put the time into understanding it because it doesn't concern the majority of the population. It's caused me to reevaluate a lot of things for myself. 
    Like where do I fit into society? Are my political and religious beliefs I've grown up with still serving me? How have I changed? Where do I see this all going? 
    My therapist is awesome. She always leaves me with things to think about. Which in turn allows me the ability to grow and make better decisions. To keep moving forward even if it is slow and not to everyone else's expectations. 
    I am starting to form goals and work towards things and I want to make the right decisions to bring everything together and do things right. I feel like I've reached this point where I've stopped looking back all the time and started to look at what I can accomplish. 
    I've stopped giving people who don't deserve my attention power over me. I also feel like I'm starting to view my trans issue as not so much of a deal and something I don't need to share with random people on the net.
    I don't want to have a horrible life. I don't want to feel worthless and broken. Taking the steps to fix the problem and addressing my own shortcomings so I can change is not easy. Do I see progress? Absolutely. 
    I look at where I was, where I am now, and where I plan to be. I had always viewed people who go to therapy as lunatics and crazies. The reality is, that if you don't take the help, you will end y being crazy And that's not what I want.
    Ive realized a lot of things since then. My own shortcomings and realizations. As well as the reality, that I'm just not going to be able to please everyone. So I'm doing the best I can with this life. Working towards the life I want. I guess that probably a bit much because it's not just a trans issue. It's a human issue. No one wants to feel broken. Sometimes I think that progress is made through removal of things from life, not from adding things. 
    I used to listen to these audios on audible by Craig Beck. He is one of my favorite to listen to because hes entertaining to listen to. He would say, "a cup is useful because it's empty" or something along those lines. I think I'll listen to that later today. 
    So, more of the good things. 
     
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