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About Kitrah

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  • Gender Female
  • Interests I like cooking, candles, decorating, baking, movies, and music.

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Kitrah's Activity

  1. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: the ocean or the beach   

    Looking back i still rememer looking in the mirror in my early 20s. I knew it then. I chose to deny it because of all the stress i was under and conditioning. so sometime u cant just seem to take that step. and then a lot of time passes and in my case tramatic events happen that force this all to surface to deal with. early in my therapy i just rememer saying a lot, if i dont do this now, its going end up being another 10 year before i have curage to try again. i rememer looking back and wishing it was then and not now. how different thing would be but then i remmer what would it be like to wait another 10. the time for this all was worst time for me. no friends no support no family no job. o need to do this for myself or is was going be the next step in self destruction. am i going make it another 10 years or 5 years? 
    i had tests done and they were showing no tetosterone and high levels of estrogen and progesteron. so i just got tired of keeping deny what evidence was showing me and what others were perceiving as being a lie. but i real tried with tetosterone, i did for 3 mo. and i knew it wasnt going complete me but take me further into downard spiral of depression and self hate. it strange how much this ideas and programing had just been conditioned in me to avoid and continue lying to fit into this male mold. 
    i can feel this surface cracking and this force within me continue to grow. i started look back through my timeline, how is this possible for me to block out and deny reality to point where i was going to bankrupt myself to cover up a truth. how long was i going to pay this emotional self blackmail? why was i going to do it for. i couldnt. when i committed to hormones i knew i was commiting to future girl. that who i was then was not going to be who i would become. thing will continue to change until this essence or spirit i am was allow to mirror in body. i think because my belief set, it allow me to accept some things as means to move beyond.
    with my own meta morposis i can see the link to butterfly. it leave one stage of life and enter another. it never thinking as butterfly as was caterpillar, only it maybe rememer srange tie when it move into darkness and all this changes happen as is body rewrite then it come out different creature entire. it is so profound this that looking at it no longer can see was before. only those then know what it was. so nature do have this ability and much magics.
    my current shame in this is having to go thru this process. having to give up one gender for another. its much to process. its much to relearn. and some people will say they will offer support to the trangender community at a distance because it make them feel special to help the less fortunate when i think what we really want is just equality and fair tratement. Is easy when u have this things given to u to supress certain groups because u cannot unerstand them. i am so often classified into category that arent even who i am. like i have to be this freak when i have done what i can over years to blend into society. im not going continue punish myself for who i am. its gone on for to long and that one of the rason why im so distance from people. im scare of people really. 
    i have continue see my therapist since the beginning of this. ive been lucky for that. maybe talking about this more help me in some way. its help me to unerstand a lot about myself and where im wanting to be and what i want to expect but theres so much i didnt expect before i started.
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  2. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: the ocean or the beach   

    Hi girls thank for the support i love you all. i did go to a group in my area but i felt out of place. much this ppl were younger than me, just different life experence and no hangups about who they area. i still feel like i fighting w myself over all this years and try be ok w myself. in some ways i coming out i just feel like it need be faster. this whole idenity thing a lot me deal with. its hard try to keep up with two idenities. i think when it finally start break to surface everthing start going wrong for me in life and i wasnt able just run away. so i will try find some sort support im just have difficulty connect w people. 
    In term of support network i pretty much just loner for 10 year. Everyone change now so there not real support network for me. Im open for new friendships but i dont feel i have much to offer. it just a lot of pressure on top of trying transition. I thought put off for few years but i feel that if i did it wasn't going happen. The timing felt like now or never. so i just do it. i waited long enough time already. but yes, swim in the ocean alone is dangerous and sometime i just want some girlfriend to talk to. so for the internet, its given that. eventually u get tired of swimming and want to lay on beach.
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  3. Kitrah added a blog entry in Kitrah   

    the ocean or the beach
    so im at 7 months now. i feel great physical but emotional im depressed, lonely, sad. i been doing this transition without support network pretty much alone since i start. i am have a hard time wanting to or trying to integrate into society since job loss. things just keep getting more isolated for me. still dressing as a man in public but i standing out a lot more. my face and skin has soften, my anger is gone, i keep looking out for someone like me but dealing w unemployment and looking for friends who are living similar life to me just make me seem like baggage and problem. i dont know what i doing. i am pretty much go through female puberty now. so many changes to liste i cant even summarise where my mind at. i dont know whether im losing strength in the ocean or afraid to get in the water. i feel like my soul getting ripped in half because i cant give it what it needs. with all this going on im not suicidal, just scared im not going find a way to a meaningful life. having to fight a public perception is like swimming with sharks. i dont regret what im doing, wish i had done it sooner. its just going all the way and not getting stuck in the gender fluid ocean. maybe some are ok w that but it not what i want.
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  4. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: Fear Adapting and Idenity   

    Hi girls, 
    thanks for responding and positive thoughts. I know times are changing and I should feel more accepted but it's challenge. It still really hard to go out and want to meet people because feeling pressure and stress of it all. Sometime the depression get me down to because I feel like a failure at everthing for being born this way and having to go thru this. Having no support as I'm go thru this and wonder what going happen when I get thru this.
    my own self talk do help me and I try only say nice things even if I can't believe it. Since my last surgery I feel like things are being made right for me. I want thing to keep going in positive direction and have some sort of purpose. 
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  5. Kitrah added a blog entry in Kitrah   

    Fear Adapting and Idenity
    My fear is heightened and I take measure to insure my safety by living two different identities. One within the house and one with the public. Since there are people in the world who will hurt me if they find out then I am not going to present myself in a dress. So for dress, I continue dress as a man and it doesnt matter for me to do that, although I do like to dress as a girl. I know there is people who think I'm trying to trick people by not be forthcoming, but I that my choice, not theirs. I dont think at the top my list I need to disclose all my life and details to be stalked and harassed when the law enforcement and legal system will do little to protect me. So if my defense is to dress in a manner that discourage people from giving me unwanted attention be in "guy" mode then i have no problem doing that. So my choice in how to dress is more about survival.
    I think it interesting that guy still seem to think that the reason any girl wear makeup or dress up is to impress them when for my reality it always been about to feel better about myself and make me feel more confident in my own skin. I never think to myself, time to get sexy so i can trick someone into sleeping w me. It do make me uncomfortable because this are the same kind of guys who think the girl is asking for it. When you have spent time on both side of the fence, you know how guys act and honestly, it is a big disappointment. They often just act in ways toward the end result and getting laid. For my girl friends, this never seem to be the case because we can talk for hours and have deeper connection. Again, this have been my experience. This make me think how important men are sexually for me in the grand scheme of thing or the emphasis in fully passing all the time to "impress" them.
    Then there things that men are just better at than i can be although I have had maculine girls who have been great about standing up for me when other have attacked me, which is nice. I know some people prob think stand up for yourself, but it is nice when you have someone who is able to support you like that. There is something nice about the masculine type and it ability to bounce bricks of negative thoughts and action and it dont seem to notice or care. Where someone say something to me and 5 hour later i try to figure out what they mean or if they real think that about me.
    Being able to fully embrace who I am seem be ongoing work. It seem get better than how it used be for me. i hated have to be a man. i hated have to sweat or drink beer. It much easier to be myself and do what i like instead of pretend to care about things i dont.
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  6. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: caring   

    Hi Emma,
    When I saying finish, I am talking just about surgery. My goal is to have it out of the way so that I dont have to worry about this anymore. While this doesnt end transformation, for me that mark the end of physical change that i want to go through. I guess the big change what i refer to. All the other things can go on and on and always changing. Right now, my support network doesnt exist. Living w someone who has not been supportive in ways I've wanted has been difficult challenge.
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  7. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: caring   

    i never think you try to tell me what to do. I'm just alway been reserved and there's lot of transgender that aren't like that. 
    When it come to the medical staff, my recent dealings have been positive. I think I am always me dressed one way or other. My therapist and I have talk a lot about how I have come a long way. 
    It make me proud because I can feel deep issues resolving. People who aren't transgender will never understand this fully just like I can't understand substance abuse. Do for those without the awareness it always will seem strange or not to make sense. 
    My confidence is result of being in a world that is reluctantly coming to accept trangender people and my own awkwardness within this because I don't like being transgender and I don't want to be in this body. 
    Trying to live up to an identity I never embraced created problems. I know I am not meant to be a man.  I am starting to embrace being a woman. 
    Part of my solution will be to move to a more supportive environment after I finish transitioning physically.  I just think it will be better to be around others like me. 
    I continue dressing modest working on my voice and other things. Painting my nails or light makeup. People notice I'm sure but it makes me feel more like I'm blending in than draw attention. 
    I am reluctant to tell people I'm transgender but it not a stretch for the mind if they just look. I don't think I'm much to do this for attention from others. It's nice but some of my best moments are just being secure in the home to be who I am without worry.
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  8. Kitrah added a blog entry in Kitrah   

    One my biggest struggle w this transition is care what other people think. This include my friend and family because i want something to look to for advice and there not there. So I try to be less caring what the other people think because im never going be like them. My own isolation prevent me for making any lasting connections so i watch the world go by. People say oh you can make things change, but i think there is more to fate. For first time in my life, i feel im on the right track. 
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    well if gay people can cause hurricanes, i think people better change the attitudes. 
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  10. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: Ignorance on Display   

    well that nice for him to do that. sometime when people talk to me, they real dont understand gravity of what they talk. i do the same thing some time also because i only can see thing from my perseptive. i try sometime to see thing from other point of view. when i first start this transition i had intent to keep thing the way it is because it is how i was made. my view have change and this remain interesting for me. i rememer when i first start to come to tgguide. i didn't care what people call me shemale or tranny. i think sometime this come from fact that i was bullied for be this way. so now he knows more so there is no worry.
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  11. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: Two moments out of my week   

    That's awesome story, Karen. 
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  12. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: Ignorance on Display   

    I think sometime people dont know what to say or how to react in this situation. 
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  13. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: Organizing   

    it sound like the hurricane real affect you. i watch some youtube video on it and it don't look good. sound like you lucky in this consider how terrible this hurricane can get. 
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  14. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: positive vibes   

    that great news Emma  I hope everthing go well for you tomoro. 
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  15. Kitrah added a blog entry in Kitrah   

    positive vibes
    so they increase my estrogen dose. im a lot happy now and feel more secure and confident
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