Kitrah

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About Kitrah

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    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender Intersex
  • Interests I like cooking, candles, decorating, baking, movies, and music.

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Kitrah's Activity

  1. Kitrah added a blog entry in Kitrah   

    girl jeans
    so i converted to girl jeans now. my ass dont fit right in the boy ones no more. its strange because i been getting weird looks when im out now but i feel ok. im not freaked out like prob i going to be in dresses. so i think this good style for me. now i prob need to get some boots. my legs sort suprise me to. i havent notice that i walking different now i guess it just happen. im seeing more of me everday so thats nice. hope everone have a great time. i never think i would do it but i get very tired an angry wearing the boy jeans all the time.
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  2. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: Experiences   

    Hi girls. Yea I do like computers obvious. Much my skills is make things in blender and video effect or photoshop. I do try to take game design course also for 3D animation that I like. Part this problem w me is I am stuck I’m not good at focus or I start feeling I’m not going make it and give up. People get tired of hearing the crying and move on. The trans issue make it hard focus because I’m always think what will happen. When I start with worry then just get worse that I end up not do anything because I don’t want be in this situation. So I am having constant talk w myself since there’s no one and when I’m calm that when I can focus. I also in middle of transition and the changes is obvious. So I just try stay away until it’s done. Maybe everone go thru this different but it make me uncomfortable and I can’t function. I just freeze. I want to try go back to college but then I don’t know what I’m doing. I can’t pick what I want because always I just get what other don’t want. Sure anyone can say big things but I know I’m not doing that. That why I still see my therapists. Cuz I’m like scratched record. Some part make sense that the other part warped. But I keep trying. I don’t give up.
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  3. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: A good day   

    Thx me to. That was good day but I decide not make chicken instead what I make was homemade chicken pot pie. 
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  4. Kitrah added a blog entry in Kitrah   

    A good day
    Today been good day so far. I haven’t had anxiety attack or depression. So that’s good. I decide to paint my nails so I’m feeling good. I don’t no why that guy put that sign in his window. I try not pay attention to thing like that but it was hard to miss it take up the whole window. So I worried about it but nothing happen. Maybe it the same person who put the orange in the yard. But yea this things are scary because I don’t know what they going do and if they stalk me online. It’s not fun and that why I don’t wear the dresses outside. I think I’m going make chicken tonight. 
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  5. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: Experiences   

    The money situation prevent that.
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  6. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: Experiences   

    After writing about get the mail someone put sign in the window of apt in front of mailbox that sat I SEE YOU. This what I deal with. It just do more on anxiety
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  7. Kitrah added a blog entry in Kitrah   

    Experiences
    sometime I wish my experience wasn’t what it is. It make me uncomfortable and isolated. But it also make me think this way. There so many time I wish I had better life and get to just be who I’m. 
    So I try fix this. Same puzzle it don’t change and same missing pieces. No matter how many time put together. All I can do is imagine. What this look like. Fill in details and stare at what’s there.
    I try fit in society. Try live peaceful and not get upset. All I can do try. But when ppl can’t see it, it frustrate me. I get anxiety at times I can’t even get the mail or I just avoid social situation that might upset me. 
    I feel lost and I no I’m become problem for society. I’m not going have nice things or car or own place. So all I can do is think this isn’t happening. I no inside things r not good but It really hurt my family not there. 
    I want better life but I can’t see way to go there. That why when time I start see changes. It make me confident. I try to be fixed and have new life cuz this have been the only thing I did for myself. 
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  8. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: stalkers   

    hi girls. yes. i see a therapist and yes there aware of the issue. it changes little about how i feel about this things like the internet. that why i dont talk on voice or try share personal things. it does affect me deeply and im trying be more open but i cant go thru this again.sometime i want share a lot but i no that not alway best way.
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  9. Kitrah added a blog entry in Kitrah   

    stalkers
    My mind never same. Ever since was stalked, my mind never open same way. im on alert alway looking for danger and try to make sure my ex who online dont know where im at or what i doing. almost 10 year of this now and when she thinking she going get in trouble now she just recruit her unerage daughter do it for her. things get quiet and then find myself want to share things and i cant. some ppl cant deal with u say no to them its just game me play hard to get. whatev. it terrorise me. im scared. it not fun. i cant go out. not my fault u life so bad but u have destroy me mental. my confidence in myself gone. your fake account and ex friend u use.. make sure i get nothing or no one. everone like just forget about it forget about u. but i no u still watching. u dont want no one have me. just say what u want make all them leave. so many time i wish u will go to prison. so many time i wish u will go to far. i cant have social media without u mess w it. thing so bad u do that fbi have to go see u. u just lie like u alway do. now when strange thing happen, ur the one im seeing. u all use me and my secret keep me do what u want but u break me. force me be girl im not ready be. say your not going tell no one. fuck u. now everone no. but i going get fix. im not prise u get to keep for being bad. u dont get have me. im not for u. im happy forget to no u. just let me go.
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  10. Kitrah added a blog entry in Kitrah   

    Maybe
    So I guess I been fighting flu maybe pneumonia for past few weeks and final starting to clear. I alway feel like something more to do but I been so tired. Just ended a friendship today. I’m tired of people giving this emotionless set of direction on what I need be doing. Rather than see myself go in circle against brick wall I just say I’m done. Don’t call no more. If u can’t be heard what the point. If your views so different why keep fighting. It been quiet rest of day. 
    The person I live w I can’t share thing with cuz they not listening half the time so it’s pretty much been bad day. I realize I’m trapped in a situation that making transition not fun and making me hate being force back into male role and male idenity. 
    I find myself isolating more. I can’t seem identify or pull myself together so I spend time fantasize about girl in my head who I want be if I not living this life. 
    I think about be reincarnated is it going be right next time. Am I going have friends. Or is going be another empty life. 
    My goal this life just simple. I want full transition and fully dress as woman all time and be par of society with my own relationship. Someone I like and like thing I do. 
    I pretty much all girl. I just want to get surgery over w so can heal and have normal life. I don’t want this be some weird thing. If I have be alone I chose itmover be w someone who like yea your not a real girl. Cuz I am. I just have keep play this male role cuz it make everone comfortable. It not mattering it doesn’t fit or I look adrgynous. Only that I man up. 
    Sorry I’m not loud rude big mouth who walk around scratch belch fart. 
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  11. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: On mute.   

    I just unerstand my place. It can be better but it can be worst. My life was better in the closet. I have girl role. I not sure how all this ppl think they empower. Nd when I’m free this situation where I going to go what I going to do. I unerstand why you just take the abuse. Cuz it alway can be worst. I think I will alway have friends until I wake up and can’t get one pick up the phone. When u don’t have family or normal life this is what there is. You get to loud and ppl just say I don’t want the drama and that’s it. 
    I get it. I’m not the only one. My ex constant torture me say she going tell ppl things and in that way I’m glad I transitioned cuz nothing to say now. No more blackmail. 
    I wish they will bring back term Gender Identity Disorder. Because I have keep up two identities to surviving. And unless u did it you don’t know. Newest trans ppl not going have that apply to them they get be who they are.
     
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  12. Kitrah added a blog entry in Kitrah   

    On mute.
    I’m exhausted. It’s ben one thing after other today. Sometimes when I’m talking I feel like everone has me on mute. Like I’m stupid an airhead. I feel like I’m on this ship, making all this compromises, trying to be heard and no one listening. When I get louder so do everone else and when I’m upset, why r u yelling. 
    Im terrified. Like being stuck with bad driver everyday. Your like please don’t put us in the ditch pay attention. So in sense That’s the control I have.
    im on the ship at sea. I’m not the captain and the only thing I do is pray there’s no typhoon.
    i get whole supporting role thing cuz you got to trust this other persons decisions and I am about had it with this. Say your not afraid to eat alone cuz that’s going be one uncooked meal. 
    Day after day do things your way. Fine but I’m not appreciated. Tell me I’m scare the meal ticket going run out one more time. Yea I’m not happy w this living arrangement cuz I’m doing things I never thought I do and saying things I shouldn’t say. Put me back on mute. No I’m just wear my own headphones. Only when I’m quiet I get what’s wrong. 
    What u want me spill the beans? I can’t say what I want. I just keep going. Just one task after the other. I’m not insensitive. That’s u. I’m not bullying that’s u. I can’t show my emotion. Just continue live out whatever part I’m suppose to play. 
    I can take the abuse. I’m made for it, but u better try to remember my real name. It’s Kitrah. I’m not a bitch. I’m one who cook and serve your meals and do laundry and run errands and have no say what happens. I constantly write my life around this so I’m not on streets. 
    My name mean something. It all I got. And u and everone else not going use it like a dirty word. That how u make me feel. 
     
     
     
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  13. Kitrah added a blog entry in Kitrah   

    Crazy
    So i been thinking about things most about perception. Major thing to me becuase i do not have protection like normal person. this have lead me to want to just be accepted as a woman instead of this intersex or transgender person. why. because this state seem to attract negative attention. and i think this why people want to fit within binary. passing the option for safety and talking online or anwhere just open the door to attacks and theres no defense. i cant tell u the thick skin u have to have. i was talking one my gf's and i said its sad really i want to live as a girl and even so i can't do it without everone make this big deal about it and it just force me to have to live mental as man even w what im doing. i rememer one my big anxieties antime i date someone was have to tell them right away or its going to become big issue and end bad. since it have been use for black mail me, i learn hard lesson to avoid ppl. i have horrible thing write about me online so of course ppl will believe it. all this things deter me from being myself and i end up keep going back to my instinct of not let someone make me the target by living in shadows. the work environment for me i have alway chose the job not in spotlight where ppl dont have see me and when i lose this job its hard to get a new one. im just perceive as unlikable and distant which is how i have been made to be. even my roomie seem to have this crazy perception of me and because she havent live my life or witness the discrimination she dont know. i rememer one time group of friend went to amusement park and i was wearing makeup, no dress and 2 girls threw their drink at me. like i dont know this ppl and didnt even look at them. this new trans attitude seem to be accepting but thats not society thats not offline thats just the illusion. really i wonder why my future even holds. am i going be able to take care myself? am i going have be dependent on ppl forever? im happy w the changes happen to me but also i feeling like it just going draw more drama and attention. and thats more anxiety. antime i mention any this to my roomie it just blank look and stare. no comment no communicating. i feel like evertime someone look at me they have this pity look. my roomie constant say i am crazy paranoid. and when i explain it shes just like yea but... still. this just make me more defensive say more and it never sink in. how i feel. i cant even look at ppl when i talk to them. im constant want to be somewhere else. it all around how ppl look at me. i no im failure. i dont have skills. i lost my job. and now im in the middle of this battle for identity. i w ant t o be who i am and that the hardest part, everone want me to just stay broken. i feel like i dont even have on RL friend who get me. i look at ppl at its frustrate to me.i feel like things i had going for me have taken away and now theres just this. whatever this is. worst transition ever. have to fight and argue just to get unerstanding. i feel like im just throwed to the wolves. while everone just sit back include my family members for me to just crash out. fuck u family. im just a troll going to live under the bridge now. i cant even keep my thought together to make this plans. yea this is the real problems not some selfie to make ppl want to fuck me on the computer.
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  14. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: Before and After   

    Im happy w the results. I took the links out of the thread. My anxiety pretty high right now 
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  15. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: Confidence   

    @ Monica Yea my goal is alway to be safe and not let the trolls get me. i try to be secure and sometime i would only want share things with some ppl but the internet always make it so that it has to be everone. i am always open and close social media accounts, changing phone numbers, and addresses. 
    @ Emma I indenitfy as girl. too much mannerism of a girl too much association with thing like that. i dont like sport or drinking beer or loud people. i dont think that just for men, but it just some the way i know im not one. my look is what it is, prob in few day i will take pics down again. it not that i hate myself, i just dont want someone use my image in bad ways. that already happen before.
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