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About Kitrah

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    Advanced Member

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  • Gender Female
  • Interests I like cooking, candles, decorating, baking, movies, and music.

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Kitrah's Activity

  1. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: Fear Adapting and Idenity   

    Hi girls, 
    thanks for responding and positive thoughts. I know times are changing and I should feel more accepted but it's challenge. It still really hard to go out and want to meet people because feeling pressure and stress of it all. Sometime the depression get me down to because I feel like a failure at everthing for being born this way and having to go thru this. Having no support as I'm go thru this and wonder what going happen when I get thru this.
    my own self talk do help me and I try only say nice things even if I can't believe it. Since my last surgery I feel like things are being made right for me. I want thing to keep going in positive direction and have some sort of purpose. 
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  2. Kitrah added a blog entry in Kitrah   

    Fear Adapting and Idenity
    My fear is heightened and I take measure to insure my safety by living two different identities. One within the house and one with the public. Since there are people in the world who will hurt me if they find out then I am not going to present myself in a dress. So for dress, I continue dress as a man and it doesnt matter for me to do that, although I do like to dress as a girl. I know there is people who think I'm trying to trick people by not be forthcoming, but I that my choice, not theirs. I dont think at the top my list I need to disclose all my life and details to be stalked and harassed when the law enforcement and legal system will do little to protect me. So if my defense is to dress in a manner that discourage people from giving me unwanted attention be in "guy" mode then i have no problem doing that. So my choice in how to dress is more about survival.
    I think it interesting that guy still seem to think that the reason any girl wear makeup or dress up is to impress them when for my reality it always been about to feel better about myself and make me feel more confident in my own skin. I never think to myself, time to get sexy so i can trick someone into sleeping w me. It do make me uncomfortable because this are the same kind of guys who think the girl is asking for it. When you have spent time on both side of the fence, you know how guys act and honestly, it is a big disappointment. They often just act in ways toward the end result and getting laid. For my girl friends, this never seem to be the case because we can talk for hours and have deeper connection. Again, this have been my experience. This make me think how important men are sexually for me in the grand scheme of thing or the emphasis in fully passing all the time to "impress" them.
    Then there things that men are just better at than i can be although I have had maculine girls who have been great about standing up for me when other have attacked me, which is nice. I know some people prob think stand up for yourself, but it is nice when you have someone who is able to support you like that. There is something nice about the masculine type and it ability to bounce bricks of negative thoughts and action and it dont seem to notice or care. Where someone say something to me and 5 hour later i try to figure out what they mean or if they real think that about me.
    Being able to fully embrace who I am seem be ongoing work. It seem get better than how it used be for me. i hated have to be a man. i hated have to sweat or drink beer. It much easier to be myself and do what i like instead of pretend to care about things i dont.
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  3. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: caring   

    Hi Emma,
    When I saying finish, I am talking just about surgery. My goal is to have it out of the way so that I dont have to worry about this anymore. While this doesnt end transformation, for me that mark the end of physical change that i want to go through. I guess the big change what i refer to. All the other things can go on and on and always changing. Right now, my support network doesnt exist. Living w someone who has not been supportive in ways I've wanted has been difficult challenge.
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  4. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: caring   

    i never think you try to tell me what to do. I'm just alway been reserved and there's lot of transgender that aren't like that. 
    When it come to the medical staff, my recent dealings have been positive. I think I am always me dressed one way or other. My therapist and I have talk a lot about how I have come a long way. 
    It make me proud because I can feel deep issues resolving. People who aren't transgender will never understand this fully just like I can't understand substance abuse. Do for those without the awareness it always will seem strange or not to make sense. 
    My confidence is result of being in a world that is reluctantly coming to accept trangender people and my own awkwardness within this because I don't like being transgender and I don't want to be in this body. 
    Trying to live up to an identity I never embraced created problems. I know I am not meant to be a man.  I am starting to embrace being a woman. 
    Part of my solution will be to move to a more supportive environment after I finish transitioning physically.  I just think it will be better to be around others like me. 
    I continue dressing modest working on my voice and other things. Painting my nails or light makeup. People notice I'm sure but it makes me feel more like I'm blending in than draw attention. 
    I am reluctant to tell people I'm transgender but it not a stretch for the mind if they just look. I don't think I'm much to do this for attention from others. It's nice but some of my best moments are just being secure in the home to be who I am without worry.
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  5. Kitrah added a blog entry in Kitrah   

    One my biggest struggle w this transition is care what other people think. This include my friend and family because i want something to look to for advice and there not there. So I try to be less caring what the other people think because im never going be like them. My own isolation prevent me for making any lasting connections so i watch the world go by. People say oh you can make things change, but i think there is more to fate. For first time in my life, i feel im on the right track. 
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    well if gay people can cause hurricanes, i think people better change the attitudes. 
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  7. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: Ignorance on Display   

    well that nice for him to do that. sometime when people talk to me, they real dont understand gravity of what they talk. i do the same thing some time also because i only can see thing from my perseptive. i try sometime to see thing from other point of view. when i first start this transition i had intent to keep thing the way it is because it is how i was made. my view have change and this remain interesting for me. i rememer when i first start to come to tgguide. i didn't care what people call me shemale or tranny. i think sometime this come from fact that i was bullied for be this way. so now he knows more so there is no worry.
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  8. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: Two moments out of my week   

    That's awesome story, Karen. 
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  9. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: Ignorance on Display   

    I think sometime people dont know what to say or how to react in this situation. 
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  10. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: Organizing   

    it sound like the hurricane real affect you. i watch some youtube video on it and it don't look good. sound like you lucky in this consider how terrible this hurricane can get. 
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  11. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: positive vibes   

    that great news Emma  I hope everthing go well for you tomoro. 
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  12. Kitrah added a blog entry in Kitrah   

    positive vibes
    so they increase my estrogen dose. im a lot happy now and feel more secure and confident
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  13. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: Philadelphia Transgender Health Conference - Part II   

    Great job Chrissy with your presentation. My thought for trangender medicine are as follow. The body with introduction of hormone of opposing sex make things to happen regardless of personal beliefs. There are cases when thai boys are given estrogen and sold as lady boys into prostitution at young age. Because of the suceptible nature of children and the growing popularity of the internet and a growing amount of transgender people as a result, i question if this is awareness as much as it is going be about issues like insecurity, being bullied, or blindly following others down a long road that unwittingly lead to sterilization. It's also possible that the awareness has made it easier to talk about. Had things been different for me, maybe I would have fathered children. Given my roll of the dice, I dont think that going to happen.
    Medical tests that should have been perform for me, were not and i had to live in secrecy for year and years afraid to tell anyone. Because of the length of time I have not been expose to tetosterone (almost my entire life) and the already existent amount of estrogen within my body, it easy to see why I chose the latter even though I am biological male. I do not want to put myself through the upheaval of dealing with large amounts of testosterone now when i have lived my life without it. That why I am a TransWoman because I choose to be it. It makes sense to me why I could not be a man and why I dont want to take the elixir of T. 
    Whether my identity as a transwoman arose at young age due to the lack of testosterone or was inherent in me since birth is a mystery. I'm not focus on that. I'm happy to live as I am now. The estrogen was scary for me as well as changing genders, but illusions fall aside and the truth reveals itself. This internal conflict of living a false identity resolved itself and I felt PEACE. I did it for myself and not others. I hope those who choose to transition, consider the same. The estrogen gave me confidence in myself and made me love who I am and I never experience this when i identified as male.
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  14. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: Acquaintance GRS update   

    This scares me. Out of pocket or not. I want the bottom surgery but will probably opt for the top first. I watched some YouTube video with some trans girl having a breakdown because she almost bled to death.
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  15. Kitrah added a comment on a blog entry: In retrospect   

    Michele, much of what you wrote is very similar to my situation. I have avoided this issue for long time and lived reckless at times. Fate seem to intervene and put me on new path after accident at work. Now that I can see who I am, it seem like I am coming back stronger. There was many times I wish for death because how I look. I was very confused with men in general. Because I know I am not like them and they don't want to understand. I think it cruel of fate to attract things to me I can't have. I think it cruel to have to disclose this information to male or female because it borders on triggering aggression. I want to just get this done so I don't have to have anymore talks and I can leave this transgender title behind because to me it seem like nasty title. Especially when I read all the nasty things people say and have said to me over the years. It has strong effect on me. Thanks for the update.
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