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Dear Emma ... Thank you for your kind words. Ya know, losing a loved one is hard. But sometimes I think that trying to offer expressions of sympathy or condolence is even harder. I sometimes think that's where the real strength lies. Thank you so much. -David Michael

Oh Michael, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm so delinquent in expressing this to you. More so, I'm sorry for your loss. You are a perfect son, for everyone. Thank you for being you. -- Emma

She would have been 92 today. I have known so many people who have lost a parent, some both parents. Some lost a parent at very young ages. My S/O lost both of her parents before she was graduated from university. My heart used to ache for her, knowing that even being older than her, I still had both my parents. I couldn't image what it would be like to lose one parent so young, let alone both! In the early 2000s, suddenly and unexpectedly, my Mum lost her husband of 46 years. I'm not sure I really had time to take that lose in and fully grieve because I came here to help my Mum take care of everything. Apparently, as my brother would observe and point out 23 years later, I was running on "auto pilot." I think the loss of my Dad finally hit me when I came back later that year for my vacation, and I brought my little dog with me. She was so happy to see my Mum. And of course after she finished with all the wags and kisses and greetings for my Mum, she was ready for the same with my Dad - but she couldn't find him. She ran all thru the house looking for him. I became concerned that my dog looking for my Dad may upset my Mum. But instead, she went into the bedroom, me and my dog in tow, and she knelt down in front of my Dad's chest of drawers. She pulled the bottom drawer open - my little dog standing there next to her. My Mum took out a plastic zip-lock bag and opened it. It was the last shirt my Dad had been wearing before he died. She held the bag in front of my little dog, who prompty stuck her nose in it to sniff around. And then she looked up at my Mum, as if she understood. I think that was the moment the finality and reality of my Dad being gone hit me. Now, my Mum is gone. She went, hopefully peacefully, in her own home, me and my brother with her. After hospice left and after our Mum was taken away, the house was suddenly, eerily silent. And while we were heart-broken, we were not over-come with gut-wrenching grief as we often expressed to each other would happen if we lost our Mum. We took her passing rather well, and in some ways considered it a blessing because our Mum had several health issues and her quality of life had begun slipping away at a fairly fast pace. I dare say had she lived another year or so, she would have been quite miserable. So I guess you could say that to some small degree, we were relieved, and her passing was a little easier to bear knowing what she had been going thru, and that things would only get worse. So again, I found myself having to take care of things around here. One of those things was to turn in the caption phone my Mum had. I also figured I would terminate her landline service since the phone would be gone. I made myself a reminder on my phone's calendar so I wouldn't forget to call both providers. And so, one evening, about a month later, sitting here at my computer, my phone sounded. The ringtone, a ship's horn, told me a scheduled task had come up. I thought to myself, "what the hell?" At the moment, all I could think was, "I've already paid that bill, and it's too early for the notification for the other bill." I picked up my phone, swiped down and saw what the notification was. Auto pilot must have been temporarily off, and that notification hit me. It hit me by surprise, and it hit me hard. My Mum is gone. The next day I called to terminate phone service and called to find out how to return the caption phone. Then, I took my Mum's calendar from the wall, and wrote, "Happy Birthday, Mommy," in the square for today, then hung the calendar back up. I miss my Mum.

I’ve debated on posting this or not for about a year now, and finally figured, what the heck, why not? So last March (2024) I found a place in St Louis that tests adults. So I scheduled an appointment and went in. The woman evaluating me ran me through a couple tests to get a read. We were together for about an hour or hour and a half. She made sure that I knew there were neither right nor wrong answers to anything that we went over. So while I was nervous I just went in honest and hoped that whatever happened helped me to answer a lot of questions. About a week later I heard back. Going by the DSM5 scale, I am autistic. Apparently, it was obvious to a lot of people that I knew. I had always known that I’m socially awkward, but hadn’t really thought that autism was the lead up to that. Since finding out, my whole world is seemingly different. Black is white, up is down, right is left, you get the idea. At least that’s how it was. I’m noticing things about myself that I hadn’t picked up on before. One of the questions it answered is why do I get so overwhelmed so easily, and why do I react so emotionally to every little thing. While it’s not surprising, it is still an adjustment. I have a friend who is also autistic, and she has really been a great help. But I have known she is autistic since we met. It was never a secret between us. She also knows things about me that little to no one else knows. I’m posting this for anyone struggling with the “What if’s?” wondering if they might be. Like I said it’s an adjustment, but don’t let it take over your life if you find out you are autistic. It’s just another part of what makes you who you are. We are still people. People who deserve decency and civility. We’re neither superior nor inferior to anyone. We’re still who we are, we just know a little more about ourselves now. I’m always available if anyone wants to talk. Sometimes it helps to talk with someone who knows and understands your struggles. Which is why I wanted to post this. But it’s nothing that should change anything. Just don’t let it jack up everything like I did. The moon isn’t made of green cheese. Wrestling still isn’t real. And monkeys are not plotting to take humans down…. ….at least I don’t think they are.

FABULOUS news Dee!!! As Michael said, your eyes are full of happiness as well as your face and smile. I love your hair! I am sorry to hear that you're unemployed. I hope you'll get past that very soon. So great to see you, Emma

Hi Dee. Your entry made me smile. And I can see the happiness in your eyes. I dunno what else to say... except I hope all the best for you. You deserve it. -Michael

Well I did it. I was offered a paid sabbatical from work to transition for the sake of my mental health and I took it. I had finally reached the point of knowing that if I stayed where I was much longer I may never make it. I was worried that it was just a way for them to shunt me out quietly as there was no guarantee of a position afterwards, which turned out to be a valid concern - but it was 100% worth it. The Pros: I am now living full time as myself - and it is awesome! Name, Passport, Drivers licence, education certificates, bank, rental agreements, NHS number, utility bills - you name it they are all in my name - the only thing I cant change is my pension paperwork because I need a gender recognition certificate, and I am saving up the paperwork evidence to get that next summer. Then I can sort out that and my pension. Smiling is easier, laughing is now natural, the friends I have kept and the people I have met are fantastic. No more stressing over whether or not the door will ring or if someone will see me, I can put the recycling out, pop to the shops, go for coffee, walk the dog and just exist without worrying about how I look, or what I say. I took a chance last year to dip into the online dating pool, the Pan label fit best and so I wasn't sure who I wanted to date, but have found myself falling head over heels for someone. I opened up a new FB account and migrated only those who I knew were allies or would be fine and can share pictures and conversations and all the things I was so careful not to do before. The Cons: I am unemployed and looking for work - getting rejected for the vocation I have trained and qualified for with, "thanks but we are going with someone we feel is more compatible" hurts. Made worse by jumping through hoops to get Job Seekers Allowance and have to prove how destitute I am, also being advised to ignore the degree I worked for years for and just apply for entry level jobs like I did when I left school feels like a kick in the teeth. Switching health boards did not go smoothly, I was transferred to the wrong clinic, which took 6 months to find out, then, when they sent me to the right clinic I was told it will be 3 years before someone can see me. So my electrolysis, my prescription wigs have all stopped - thankfully my E Patches are supplied via GP Prescription so that has carried on, but now if I move for work I will get stuck in the loop of going to the bottom of the transfer lists to be seen. At this rate I may never get to surgery. Shaving is still the bane of my existence. My kids haven't quite navigated the dad/mum/parent problem yet - we use parent to describe my relationship with them but it mentally trips them up, especially when the optician talks about "mum" when I am at appointments with them, but it isn't a huge deal. Whenever I go somewhere new I seem to find yet another thing where I have to out myself and it gets annoying. Every time I think I am done something else pops up and I have to explain that I transitioned and send my deed poll and passport as ID proof, only now instead of being scared I just get irritated at the bureaucracy of it all.. Life will always be a mixed bag, but living as me is so much better than living in fear. I used to dream about living full time as my real self, but seeing it from the other side I wish I had the courage to transition earlier. The stress is worth it, I have gained a level of peace I didn't realise I had never fully known. I am more confident in who I am. I know the people around me know and like me for who I am and not just what I can give them. I still have moments where I get down because I moved to an area where I did not know anyone, but it was worth it. When I am out and about no one cares, I have the same constant danger radar as every woman around me, but so far the worst thing I have experienced is some teens yelling out of a passing car - which also happened before I came out because, teens... I have also had complete strangers come up to me and compliment me on my hair, or traded compliments with someone about what we are wearing. This is me, it has always been me. It just took me a while to get comfortable with who I am.

I’ve been trying to form a smile today, but I don’t have the physical ability to do it. It’s been decades since the last time I actually smiled. It’s not that I choose not to. But I’ve always had my face in a blank expression, or an angry one. I honestly don’t know how to make that happen anymore. I don’t smile because I usually just don’t. I’m numb as it is, but I didn’t know a person could lose this kind of ability.