Leaderboard

I'm about halfway through reading this book now and if you've ever enjoyed science fiction, well, this one is very unique and well done. It's about an astronaut who was left behind by the rest of the crew because they thought he was dead and lost. But he survives, alone on Mars, faced with many life-threatening problems that he must tackle on his own without any communication with anyone. I highly recommend it! While reading last night it occurred to me that I'm like a Martian myself. While I can communicate with other Earthlings in my life I am so limited in what I can discuss about the real me and with whom. My wife and I talk a little bit but mostly she is anxious for me to figure out where I'm really at on the TG "spectrum" so she can see if she can handle it. So like yesterday, before I met with my internist for an annual physical, she suggested that I tell him what's going on for me because he might have some suggestions. What? In a twenty minute meeting I'm supposed to divulge one of my biggest secrets and somehow provide him with the context and background for something that is likely completely out of his experience? What about any other issues I might want to bring up? Heck no, I refused, and am glad I did. And, she's been encouraging me to explore my gender dysphoria, in particular by attending support groups. I did go to one a couple of weeks ago in San Jose but her therapist advised that that was a "discussion group" not a "support group" and that there are lots of support groups. So, go find one. The fact is that there are damned few support groups. Some are for high school people (PFLAG) or for spouses, but I simply could not find one for me. Thankfully, the owner of the TG boutique in San Jose provided me with the name of a local therapist who does run a "real" support group. I emailed her, and then waited, like The Martian, for a response that might not come. Light years passed and finally she responded. Excited by the prospect of rescue I immediately responded. Many more light years passed (measured in Earth days) and finally, again, she responded. So now it seems that I will be able to attend that support group in early January. Thank goodness because my air and other life support systems are going critical soon. No alarms yet. I have another meeting with my therapist this Friday. Like entering an air lock I'll receive an hours worth of oxygen and life support. And then it'll be back into my space suit for another EVA until the next opportunity for free and open communication. Yeah, it's a weird metaphor. I think I'll make another cup of tea and curl up with The Martian... Edited 12/24/14: I just finished reading The Martian, and have to tell anyone who reads this... if you've EVER enjoyed science fiction or for that matter a fun adventure, you MUST read this book! I thoroughly enjoyed it. :P

At my last therapist appointment, she learned that the printer was out of ink and would mail my letter out. She also mailed a copy down to Marci Bower, which I am grateful. I would have been okay if I never read the letter but just the same happy to read her assessment and fully agree with her assessment. Reading “This client is an attractive, bright 57-year old transsexual woman” made me smile. Sometime ago we discussed continual appointments after surgery. She had mentioned that some never come back after they get their letter. My thought is that anyone who goes through a life-changing event no matter how mentally stable they are needs to keep an open mind and continue their visits with their therapist. I made an appointment for 6 weeks after surgery and if all goes fine I will still make follow up appointments say three months out then assess how I am doing plus her assessment. I have read posts on the web from people who are post-op that they become depressed, unhappy or uneasy. My thoughts at this time, not me but you never know. I hope that others who follow the same path I am will take this to heart that we need support and do not take it upon themselves to say “I will get through this by myself”.

I always felt like an alien with my right wing fundamentalist (conspiracy theory loving) family. How the hell could I possibly be related to those people? And, that's before I even begin discussing the alienation of my gender identity crisis back in the day. Wishing the best for you Emma, always. Can't want to hear how the support group goes. Meeting others like me was the most important step for me as I began my gender journey.

As Christmas gets closer it looks like I will not be spending time with any friends but will visit a friend on Christmas Eve. Why mention this? Because I am sure, there are many out there that may very well be depressed and that need not be. My decision is too keep busy so my plans are to a) setup my new laptop, which is scheduled for delivery tomorrow morning (I will turn it on tomorrow to make sure it functions) via two-day business delivery, have been tracking it, and is on time. b. Comcast is setting up XFINITY Entertainment package tomorrow, which will take time to setup c) play my favorite music that is uplifting while writing a technical article for Microsoft d) prepare a great meal for dinner e) chat with friends via phone to have interaction with others. Bottom line, I will be a happy girl. Side note, I upgraded my Comcast as my current DVR has limited space in that while in California it will get filled up before I get back so the new DVR has more space along with it can record 4 shows at once rather than the current one, 2 shows at once. It is costing me less than my current plan which is really a bonus. Happy Holidays to everyone :D

Happy holidays to you too!!!

I totally agree with you Lori, this is but another chapter of an ongoing journey which is best done with the assistance of others both professional and those who have taken this path already.

Not really much going on with me. Over the two week period, I was extremely busy trying to get things ready for the holidays and finishing things up at work. I am very much on the fence about transitioning. The break is going to give me time to really think about it and pray about it. I've been thinking and dealing with this for a long time. It will not go away. What I fear is that if I don't transition or at least structure my life so that there are significant periods of time that I can express myself I will be miserable. BTW - if I live full-time, I have no intention of having bottom surgery (yet). It's more about expressing myself on a daily basis and validating and affirming who I am and being comfortable doing so. Anyways, it's tough. I sometimes feel like a caged animal. My therapist suggested ativan, but I told her that I need to feel like this. I can't keep putting bandaids on things anymore. Anyways, we'll see what happens. I have an appointment scheduled on the 9th of January and also planning on going to support group. I am also planning on going out on December 27th. Love to all and a happy holiday, --Lisa

So where do I start? So many things have changed for me the last few months. So 3 weeks ago I came out to my massage therapist. She was so cool about. She ask lots of good questions and was over all very interested in it all. That was all cool in and of it self, but when I saw her the next time she talk to me as if we were girlfriends, I felt so accepted as a woman. It was fabulous. Then later that week I was having my second laser hair removal on my face, The woman who did the treatment I'd come out to her the first treatment. So when the treatment was over we were chatting, I commented on the necklace she had on how pretty it was. She asked if I wanted to try it on.When I put it on she said looks good on you keep it, it yours. Then yesterday I had my makeup done for the first time. Okay let me clarify I had my makeup done lots and lots of times. But that had always been when I thought I was a crossdresser. Yesterday was the first time I ever had my makeup done as women, meaning thinking of myself as woman. You may not think that's a big deal, but it was, to me at least. I always loved getting my makeup done. But yesterday it felt so much better.(I didn't have the feeling in the back of my head WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!?) It was wonderful. So the big that's changed for me, is how a feel. 1) that I have come to terms with the fact I am a transgender woman. 2) that gilt, and shame are a lot less, I no longer think I'm some sort of sick pervert. I am just a woman, doing things that women do. There a part of me that want to just come out and say this is me take it or leave it, if you don't want to be my friend any more, that's cool. I still need to be who I'm, if you change your mind you know where to find me. Hugs, DawnLynn

Well I am happy to announce that I just receive my new laptop and all appears to be working properly including copy and paste operations.

I completely echo Lisa's sentiment and commitment, Karen. Have a very Merry Christmas. Emma

Agreed. A complete transition will probably take 5 years or so beyond surgery. There will still be issues that need to be worked out. In my own experience, they are easier to handle than the raging conflict pre-transition but everyone will be a bit different. It sounds like you are on the right track and we're always here if you need us.

Happy Holidays Karen :)

Wishing you the best Lisa, as you explore your own place on the gender continuum. Take your time because only you can determine what is right for you. Happy holidays to you. (((HUGS)))

You guys make me laugh XD I get the email notifications of comments in my email on my ipod while I'm at work so I stay caught up, and you guys always make me smile Warren

"So I caught myself talking to myself in the bathroom again the other day, and forced myself to stop. So now I'm gonna be all self-conscious about this and everything... curse you, Warren!! " --Sara :lol:

Remember the Seinfeld episode when Jerry's father kept yelling "Serenity now!" when he was upset and about to lose it? Very funny show. I'm not very religious and don't attend church.. I was raised Episcopalian, attended a church school for 6th and 7th grades, and my parents often had us recite the Serenity Prayer or the Lords Prayer before dinner. I think the prayer was for my benefit... I remember how earnestly I repeated the words in the Serenity Prayer, hoping that my emphasis would gain me that serenity that I wanted so much. It never seemed to work although I suppose we might speculate on how I would have been had I not said those words at all. These days the Serenity Prayer has come to mind a few times. I think it's a wonderful prayer and says so much in only a few words: Lord, grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change The courage to change the things I can And the wisdom to know the difference. Each of these four lines says so much and they are hard to achieve. I would like more serenity. I think I'm getting better at accepting the things I cannot change, such as: - I was born male. - I am transgender. - I cannot control my wife's acceptance or behavior toward me. In the third line I'm starting to understand why my therapist (and even my wife) have said that I'm being courageous. I didn't really believe it, but I suppose I am demonstrating that: - I'm coming out to myself and acknowledging my being transgender. - I'm coming out to my therapist (which was damned hard). - I'm coming out to my wife. - Heck, I'm even coming out here. That was hard at first. I worried a lot about saying the wrong thing, or creating misunderstandings. I suppose that by listing the things in the acceptance and change buckets one develops the wisdom to know the difference. Maybe the thing to do is to consider things that I'm now not able to distinguish. I'll have to think about that a bit. Be well, Emma

I couldn't sleep last night, so I wrote a song, I'm going to post the lyrics, hope you like it I would love feedback, positive or negative Quasimodo Verse 1: Hide behind such a faux façade Do you know who you are? Have we pretend too long? Should I hide my face? Am I a big disgrace? Why should I conform to just fit in? I hurt no one I cause no harm I’m just trying to be who I know I am You’re so lucky that you get to be the person that you see in your reflection Pre-chorus: but I must wait to set myself free Chorus 1: Why do I have to prove who I am inside? Is it my destiny to hurt eternally? Do you know what I go through just to live my life? To feel the emptiness of a thousand lies I hate this Living like a misfit Verse 2: I’m here to stay I won’t go away I’m not going to change I’m not going to hate Myself anymore I’m tired of the pain If you can’t handle this just walk away Pre-chorus Chorus 1 Verse 3: Such a heavy hand I must detach it and relinquish all the hate for myself Chorus 1 (sans 3rd stanza) Chorus 2: What’s it worth to you to make me feel ashamed? Do you sleep well at night knowing you cause pain? Using hollow words and spiteful lies that we’re not beautiful in God’s eye and I love this proud to be a misfit