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Fear and unacceptance: ingredients for a poisonous coctail. As some here know, I came out to three people some time back: my girlfriend, my brother and my mother. My girlfriend was in shock, and things were a little rocky for a while. Not because she discovered that I was TG/TS, but that I had been lying to her (our relationship began online). Prior to coming out to anyone, I "lived my online life" as a man. No one knew that I was trans, no one knew that I wasn't just another guy - including her. My brother had no problem with what I had to tell him. I could have told him years ago. I wish I had known. My mother took it well at first. Unfortunately, a few short months later, something changed. And it wasn't in my favour. Today, my brother works at avoiding referring to me as a female when he's talking to other people. When we're together, he doesn't call me "David," but he also doesn't call me by my birth name - which he never has anyway - only my nickname. But now, instead, he will on occasion call me by a shortened version of my nickname which is [usually considered] a boy's name. My girlfriend continues to treat me like she would treat any man...like she has treated me from day one And though she was royally pissed with me for lying to her, her love for me has never changed. But that I lied to her, it compromised her trust in me for a long time. I cannot blame her for this. As for my mum, she has let me know that I will never be her son, but despite the fact that she is not overly happy with the way I dress, she no longer questions me about it... though the last time I visited, she slyly tried to figure out my chest. Or the seeming lack of what's considered a "female" presentation. Now for that cocktail I nurse everyday. It's not much different than an actual alcoholic drink is to an alcoholic - I know it's bad for me, but I drink it anyway, knowing what it will do to me, or what it could do to me. Ingredient #1: Fear I fear what people I know will think of me. I fear what people will say about me. I fear that people I know, or have worked with will call me names and laugh at me. I never did well with stuff like that I fear there will come a time when my girlfriend will not be able to endure the stress of having a transman for a friend, a lover, a mate. I fear that when I transition, my girlfriend will see a different person. I fear that like so many guys do, after transition, I will lose the woman I love. The fear of so many things, has me rooted in one place. If I don't conquer the fear, and move to where I want to be, I might lose her anyway (long distance relationship). I fear that when I do transition, I will lose parts of my family. Ingredient #2: Unacceptance If the unacceptance came from any other place, from any other person than my own mother...I could perhaps shrug it off. I could accept it and go on about my merry way. I believe if the unacceptance was from any source but my mum, I could probably dilute the fear enough to start my journey. In fact, I'm sure I could. The power of a parent standing beside you in support of you is unparalleled. Doesn't matter how old you get, a parent's approval is more valuable than anything else in a person's life. A parent's approval is like a super-heroes power protecting you from everything and everyone around you. So here I am, still, sitting at the "Pity-Party Bar"...swilling on that noxious cocktail of eight parts fear with a generous splash of unacceptance, knowing damn well it's killing me...but like some alcoholics, unable to climb down off the barstool and turn my life around so that I can start living...

4:15pm, 24 Oct This has been one of those rough days. I didn't wanna get up to begin with. I stayed in bed, in that half-sleep state where dreams are strange yet preferrable, and even enjoyable in their sometimes disturbing surrealness, compared to being awake and conscious of real life. But, I finally got up. Then, I signed in to the forums and started reading. One article after another seemed to only high-light and underscore the bigotry and indifference in this world. Some of that bigotry eminates from those that are from the gay side of our [alleged] family. Their just-below-the-surface contempt for their trans cousins is enough to make one sick. Then, there are the transpeople that are forced to end their lives because of intolerance. There's too much indifference about that from the cisgender world, and seemingly from the homosexual world, too. Already feeling disgusted and angry from one article, my heart was left vulnerable to the sadness of suicide stats. So I sat here, stewing in anger and frustration, but also on the verge of crying. But the tears wouldn't come. Instead, there was just this painful lump in my throat that wouldn't go away. It just sat there, and in it's persistence, eventually gave me a headache. Feeling aggitated, pissed, twisted up inside, I went in the kitchen and made a pot of coffee - a bad move considering I slept half the day away, and Mr. Coffee and the Sandman no longer work together. So, chances are, I won't sleep much tonite. I'll lay in bed and think of all the "if-I-had-onlys," the "if-I-could-go-back-in-times," the "why-did-it-have-to-be-this-ways," and the "why-are-people-such-#*!@s?" By morning, I'll be wondering how much longer I'll let cowardice keep it's choke-hold on me...slowly strangling the life out of me. I'll think about my age...and wonder how much longer I have. How well will things go? How much will I lose? 1:20 am, 25 Oct I had buried myself in drawing earlier in the evening. My artwork is often a haven where I can lose myself in my imagination. I finally gave up around midnite or shortly there after. By 1:20 in the morning, I was feeling a little better and hit the forums for what I figured would be the last time before I went to bed...but before doing so, I found myself listening to Lana Wachowski, and laughing at her wicked wit and sense of humour. Maybe I'll be ready to go to sleep soon. Maybe tomorrow will be better...

A [very] few here know that I was sweating bullets when I decided to tell the three most important people in my life about my trueself - my mum, my girlfriend and my brother. I was worried that I would lose their love. I didn't, but things didn't remain all that smooth. While I lost the support of my mother a few short months later, my g/f and brother seemed to stay the course. Now, I have to question just where my brother's feelings are on all this. He has been understanding and supportive. But today, he sorta shook my faith in him. Maybe it's unfounded. I dunno. I took him to take care of something. I stayed in my truck. When he came back to the truck, he said he had seen an MTF, but sorta bragged that it wasn't the first time he had seen one. Well, I had seen a woman earlier pass by, and no, she didn't have much of the classic "hourglass" shape and wasn't graceful as some ballet dancer...but come on, geez...not all women are. Doesn't mean right off that it's got to be a man in drag or a transwoman. But for some reason, when he said what he did, I asked, "a woman in a brown t-shirt?" He said, "yes." Then he went on to point out that the area is cool with stuff like that. I told him I never said anything about the area he lived in being intolerant or anything like that. We had had a discussion a few days prior and I had made comments about in general... society is not quite as accepting of transexual people as society might like some to believe. So he went on to say that it was no big deal in his town, and that no one had even paid him any attention. I commented that, "yes, I had seen her, but I didn't see her and think to myself, there's a transwoman." That my brother called the woman "him" had not escaped me, and I asked him, "why did you refer to her as "him" then?" He got a little indignant, as if I was implying that he had a problem with transexual people. So I said to him, she identifies as female, I don't think she would like someone referring to her as a man. He actually went through an explaination that even though she is MTF, if she looks like a man, and after all she is genetically a man, that's why he referred to her as a man. I was astonished. I didn't even know what to say. He said it was no big deal, that it shouldn't matter what anyone is or what they are called. Then shortly after, he asked me if I would have questioned our mother if she had said the same thing. I told him that I would, not that she would bring the subject up anyway...but that yes, I would have asked her the same question. He got a bit ticked and didn't talk to me for the rest of the afternoon... not because he was wrong (he doesn't feel he was), but because I challenged his tolerance. I dunno how to take this from him. I mean...he has told his friends that his "sibling" is transgender. Unless absolutely necessary...he no longer refers to me as his sister, but he doesn't refer to me as his brother either, which I can sort of accept 'cause after all...I'm not transitioned yet. He knows I bind and pack. I really thought it was all cool with him. Until today. I now have one solid ally left... my girlfriend. She's the only one now (of the three I've come out to) who hasn't let me down. Dunno what I'll do if she snatches my faith in her out from under me.... -David Michael

I wanted to throw this out there, as a sidenote off from one of my other blog posts this evening. I wanted to take this time to sit down, mellow out, and most of all....Thank you. Thank every single one of you. All of you who stop and peek into my demented mind to read my blogs. Thank you for stopping and feeling my pain, laughing with me, shaking your head at my own less-than-witty comments, and crying with me if it so suited you. I'm extremely, unbelievably grateful for every one of you and ALL the friends I've made, and friends I'm yet to make on here. You've all been extremely helpful to me and have kept my chin up out of the muck and grime of grief and guilt and unbelievably overwhelming life's chaos. I will certainly continue to be grateful for all of my wonderful friends here on TGG. It has been beyond enriching, appreciated, heartwarming, enlightening and uplifting to have such a fantastic support system behind me. To know that no matter what is going on in my life, I know that I'll always have my friends here on TGG to help me through it. To break my fall, and pick me back up once again and brush me off and say "Go get 'em, tiger!" I cannot possibly express to you all how wonderful you've all been to me. From simply liking my blogs, to the wonderfully informative or supportive comments, to the remarkable personal messages of support and encouragement...I love logging in and seeing what everyone is doing and saying and up to in this world of awesomesauce. You've all opened up my eyes from the cruel word and shown me that there IS a place for me, I'm NOT useless, and I DO have a voice that I am ALLOWED and ENCOURAGED to use.. I love blogging for you guys and plan to continue to do so as much as I can, and I BEG that you guys try not to get too bored with me when Things get too chaotic to on a regular basis. I'm always thinking of all of you, and without you guys, I wouldnt be where I am today! Have a FANTASTIC holiday! Have a VERY Merry Christmas, A WONDERFUL Hanukkah and VERY VERY Happy New Year!!! I love you all! Your friend and crazy Blogger, Warren

Best wishes of the season to you as well, Warren, and a Happy New Year!

You guys and your cars... Hair is kinda a big deal, isn't it? Although I'm still closeted, I made a decision a couple of years back that I wasn't going to keep cutting my hair like society insisted, and I've let it grow out. Right now it's about halfway down my back and I LOVE IT! <3 I'm not sure work is terribly happy with it, but at least they haven't called me on the carpet yet. And my parents hate it, but what do you expect? Anyway, I'm glad you were able to get it resolved to your satisfaction! Congrats on the no cutting! I hope things level out for you... we're all pulling for you! And I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have, but I will admit I LOL'ed at the "holidays were great, oh yeah, nearly burned down the house but otherwise they were great!" Glad everything turned out OK and no one was hurt and you could laugh about it after! I hope your holidays were good, and you are enjoying the time with your sister! -Sara

Hey, I do enjoy science fiction! I will have to check out our library and see if they have this. I guess I've always had this feeling of being somewhat alienated from society at large. Sometimes it just feels like I'm an outsider looking in. It's so nice to be able to connect with people that are share similar experiences, so I'm very thankful for this site! I will admit I'm a little fuzzy on the distinction between a support group and a discussion group. But I'm glad you were able to find a support group, and I hope that meeting goes well!

I have always been a female in heart and mind since I was 7 years old and seeing professional help starting at 11 because my Father told me I was sick and needed help. He was a lifer in the USAF and brought up by a mean Grandmother. I started wearing girl cloths when I was 7 years old, I had a girlfriend and her mother help me discover who I was and helped me be who I was, my Mother stayed neutral, but was confused by my choice. During my life I always found other girls who supported who I was and lived a secret life shared with select few, moving around a lot was difficult. My father continued to get me the help he thought I needed, my professional help told me there is nothing wrong with me and to live as I wish. Most of my young life my Father beat me. Later in life I lived as a Girl with 3 of my Girlfriends for 5 years full time. I was 22 years old and had no problem passing a one of the girls. If I had the resources at that time in life would have made the change then, but things change and I had to change to survive in life. I am 61 now and have the time and the desire to start Hormones, next month I start. Support

I'm 62 - Told I look much younger - anyway 7 mos. HRT and woah..

“We’ve begun to raise daughters more like sons… but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters.” &#8213; Gloria Steinem Life sometimes passes you by without any notice being taken. You can go for days and days in a blur, your ingrained ‘social training’ will hold you in good stead for as long as you need if you simply want to blend in without any consequence. After reading several blogs on here the last few days about names, pronouns and ID, I realised I had not given that much thought about how others perceive the new me or how to address me when we meet. After having my breakthrough moment and working through the initial changes to mannerisms and my thought process that will allow me to start transitioning, one thing that has become very evident is how my friends now greet me and the gesture they naturally begin with. This seems a silly notion at first, but when you actually think about how society engraves our brains, from a very young age, how to greet others correctly, some very interesting points come to the fore when gender identity is thrown into the mix. I want to put my new found experiences on this subject into perspective, as it really came to light on a night out recently. I have frequented a club in London every month for a while now and my clothing will vary from a male suit to skirts and dresses, depending if I have time to ‘create the girl’ before I get there. Now normally most would greet me as a male and shake my hand if they were male and a quick kiss on the cheek if they were a woman, regardless of my attire. This is standard meet and greet tactics that have reigned true since the dawn of time and it is fine. Since coming out to the world greeting people has been a mixed bad, and on my night out, some male friends, who have not been phased in the slightest and simply treated me as if I was really a lady and kissed my cheek with an embrace. This was fantastic and feels right and natural. No more having to make the perfect handshake, no need to worry about squeezing or shaking a hand to hard or softly. I no longer need to worry about a man making initial judgments about me through how confidently I shake their hand. Others have taken the usual approach to shake my hand with a smile and do not seem to even notice what has just happened. Another person actually asked whether they should treat me as a female person from now on, and their honesty about not really knowing the best way to treat me was encouraging as they had at least had a little think before engaging. All in all everyone was fine with it and there were no awkward silences or questions. I did explain that for the time being I was not concerned about being referred to as ‘he’ because I have not started any form of hormones or treatments and I do still see a man in the mirror at the present time. Now I want to make this very clear, that either way of greeting me is fine and I am not discussing this to stamp some sort of correct procedure in place. However it is something that going forward I may have to ‘correct’ people on and this may be unfair to them as it is my choice to change who I am. It would be terrible if people I meet were worried about approaching me to say hello only to be unsure how to start. I am not easily offended, that is for sure, and I would rather have friends that greeted me how they feel comfortable, at least for the time being. In the future I hope the change is quite natural because my appearance over time should become more and more feminine. And the further the we go through the process the better we become at getting over the hurdles and helping others to deal with the changes as well.

Opening the door and walking through it are two different challenges... The initial step of my journey has begun, opening the door has been exciting, yet scary. A new world has presented itself and there are small islands, strewn across a vast sea, as I step outside. On the horizon is a mountain, one I will have to conquer if I am to find my true self. This blog was started to document the many challenges that will be put in front of me over the next years and as with all journeys it is one small step at a time. The first challenge of accepting myself is over, I came to terms with the two voices inside me, knowing one had to win out over the other at some point. The road continues and the next challenge is how to explain my new found self to others in my life. This will be a continuous challenge as it does not feel comfortable to over expose and add unwanted pressure or attention to an already difficult situation. Initially I will be talking with my friends on the fetish scene. Those who know me through fetish clubs and events will be the most accepting for sure, it is what makes this unique group of people so special. I know I will not face any negative attitudes and this is where my 'coming out' has already started. Not many will be surprised by the news either, as I have cross-dressed on the scene for many years and this is a natural step for many in my position. Moving on from this initial stage of explaining will be more difficult, as I know my childhood friends will be confused and maybe even scared when they discover a leader among them likes to wear lingerie and dresses. This will, however, be sometime in the future as I have not even spoken to a doctor as of yet, and there is no reason to throw the cats among the pigeons until there are some pigeons to hunt. I have been looking into how others have overcome this hurdle and it is fair to say there will be mixed results. I read about a young lady who came out recently and the article was sad at times. She has gone through so much in her short life, but now feels empowered from the experiences. It is stories like this one that give the realities against the fantasies that are in my head. http://www.thedp.com...herself    I am nowhere near this stage yet but it I am working hard on how to explain all this to the people in my life. Family and work will be the hardest for sure, but I do not want to even contemplate this bridge until the path is a little wider and I am clearer in my goals and objectives. I think it only fair to be very clear in my intentions before explaining this to anyone other than close friends.

Great advice Karen, will look it up now, cheers!

Hello, Concerning telling people about you, I highly suggest getting a copy of True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism--For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals where part of the book has suggestions on telling others about you and the most important thing to tell them is "It is still me" which is critical when informing others.

We are much alike.As a child, I too was beaten by my father when I wore girls clothes, however my mom actually gave me girls clothes to wear and play in. I did not even think about what I was wearing that much, for me I have always felt that looking like a girl was kind of natural for me. Anyway, now I seem to have the same desire you have -but likely will never make the full change because of the good family ties I currently have. Still I understand your desire to be whole. I do wish you the best in your journey. Dawn

Congratulations on your first step to your true self :-)

Jenni, you seemed to have survived a toxic family and wisely found supportive people (I call them "anchors") who were there for you. Good luck with your HRT.

Thanks mrpauljames, and welcome to TGG. Sorry to hear that so many of your family dropped out of your life. I'm not sure what will happen with my mum...but I'm fairly sure I don't have to worry about my brother. I really wish my mum had expressed her resistance to my true self from day one...I've always been of the belief that it's better to have someone who at first could not accept a person being trans, and then come around and have a change of heart, than it is the other way around like what happened with my mother. I guess I've spent several years trying to prepare myself for losing my mother to her inability to accept me as her son. Most likely, that has just caused me a loss of time...as I'm sure there is no way to ever fully be braced for losing the love, acceptance and/or support of a parent. As for her love...I'm sure I'll always have that. But what good is love without acceptance..... -Michael

I had a simnilar experience with my family members. When I told them I have saved enough money to have my surgeries they informed me "it's about time". They all stated their exceptance and told me all the rite things like "it doesn't matter what you are" come to find out slowly but surely no more family in my life. All I say is don't be blind to love because true love will always be there NO MATTER WHAT! Love shows no favorites. As hard as it may be emotionally to move forward without your "family" you will aquire new family in your life that will accept and love you for who/what you are NOT for who they want you to be. Remember this is your mind, body, and soul NOT anyone elses. Like one of the ladies stated earlier, it does get easier.

I thought that I would go ahead and add a new entry To My Blog , Possibly Just to get some of this out . Ok , Well for the Last Six Months I have been Attempting to Clean up the life that I had lead before I Transitioned , This is no small task , there are simply so many loose ends that one must over come after transition if you had done so during a Marriage . I often think it might have been so much easier just to have left and hid away within the vast country that we live in , then again , I have also had thoughts of Just moving to another country all together , would this fix the problems of the past life , No .... They will still follow , we all have to release the ties and some of them are tied to our hearts with deep Entangled knots that take some time to work apart I Strain to keep up with the realities that face me on a daily basis and the Mess that prior life held , so often they over come each and become a tangled mess that must be sorted though before we can move forward to the next bit that we find still needs attending to . I have tried to make the two compatable and in harmony with one another but you know what I have found , The Two shall never become compatable nor a coheasive organization of life expieriances , they simply cant coinside with one another just life I could no longer coinside with being that male that I was defined as at my birth , and the Woman that truelly resided within that body . Its a saddening thought that no matter what the truth is that our old lives can not come along with us on our new lives , it must be released all those ties that bound us to that life need to be Broken or Cut , they will continue to entwine within the new and make for a life of even more troubles then we would have within the old or within the new , I have no way of knowing why I cant make them work but at every step the fight is stronger then I am , this has caused me to become within this Darkened Place that we or maybe just I have lived for so many years . My nights consist of darkened Nightmares that cause me to have to take A Very Strong Anti- Anxiety Medication . I hate being tied to Medications , yet with out them I am affraid I would Go to the darkened place I am so affraid of , as some of you know Last year I had Two Major Nervious Breakdowns , that took some time to over come , Yet Here I am Back on the verge again , More so my Psychologist is yet again Worried about me , She isn't the only one , I worry and it leads to greater anxiety and depression , which is a visious cycle , So Difficult to come out of this one , Yet I still Fight , I still Struggle For My Life , I still Fight for My Sanity , it isn't better nor will it become just because Of Transition it has all just taken a new form , a form that hides the new and the old , a form that must be worked through so I can Step out into my life and not the life that the two have existed within , it is not easy But I find it an obtainable goal , I may be worn down and about to fall upon my knee's but I have been there before and I have been able to rise so once again I Fight for my life , I fight For Stephani . No one from My Past will forget nor move forward , so My only options are to Move forward without them , each and every Heartbreaking event that I cross and cut though will be a victory not a loss , I will win this battle and No matter what I will Win My Life . I cant say this action will work for others But I am understanding by every twist of the clocks hands that no one wishes to live within my life they wish for me to live within theirs , and this is my life not theirs so I have to move on even though it is Painful and heartbreaking my life has to move forward the staggnet bogg that was my life is slowly moving behind me I still find it trouble some to move forward but I still do make steps to a life that I create and not one that was writen for me . Hugs Stephani

I thought about that as well , as you know and so many who transition know this aspect of transitioning is an often unsuspected or unrecognised aspect that many if not most will have to confront in the process of cross gender transition or even complete gender transition . I felt it my responcability as usual to raise the topic and show personal aspects that this is not an singular aspect to one but like many other aspects we all share in these sort of aspects as a community . I may have had a some what easy and consiquently short transition as well but even after I still struggle as do so many . As you know this is just one of the more significant issues we will all deal with at some point .. I have noticed a trend as of late and thought hard whether or not to write this . I wrestled with it because is the subject a bennefit or a hinderance to helping the forum and new members . Or will it force so many to perge only to be back in an even worse situation. I wrote this to emotionally perge realities that I have come to understand within my life , as so many I strive for harmony yet find none when striving for it , yet when I stop and live within my life alone the Happiness and internal joys shine , this perplexes me and I struggle once again , such a vissous cycle that wears on me and so many as well , i suppose the premis of the post is that no matter how badly we want our lives to become compatable we have to often simply move forward knowing we will never forget our past but we must step forward . In my new life I find total acceptance without predudice to my past , but when I remain with those from my past I am often subject to the life I once lived and not allowed to live fully with my new life . This is the brick wall I have struggled to over come and am finding out that no matter how much work I place in removing the barrior there is simply more barriors behide . Conclussion = step back catch my breath , rest and turn to those who have no vested interest in my past only within our futures. If you would like to move this over for me please feel free , just more then my phone will allow lol or I would , guess I can Later .

Stephani, I'm glad you have the support of your therapist. Hopefully you have some local friends who are supportive as well, and of course we love you and support you here at TGGuide. We all have different experiences of course, but I was able to make a sudden transition, literally overnight. I walked away from the old me (figuratively speaking) and emerged as the new me. It took awhile but I sort of merged my life history and worked things out the best I could. I made a conscious decision to just enjoy the process of transition and for the most part, I did. Sure, there were ups and downs and struggles along the way, but that helped me stay the course without losing my mind. This might be a good topic for a post in the forums -- to see how everybody else deals with the emotional turmoil of transition, or just being transgendered. Sending love and hugs. ~ Lori

Smiles , Glad to hear your trip went well . Hugs Steph

Thanks, ladies. All of you always seems to be able to put things in perspective. Your responses, and a little time... have allowed me to sit back and think more clearly. I guess deep down, I know my brother means no harm. I think it just took me by surprise 'cause he and I talk just like any two guys, brothers...about many things - including women. If I look at this logically...I have to believe he is accepting of me being TS, and has no issues with others who might be, or are, TS. I just never imagined he would try to justify using the wrong pronouns concerning someone who might have been TS. So far, besides the "he ain't heavy, he's my sibling" (), the only thing he's asked is if it's okay to continue calling me by the "shortened" version of my nickname...more acceptable (in my mind, and apparently his too) as a name for a guy. I've never had a problem with this as I realize to just up and change the name he's always known me by could be just as difficult as having to change pronouns. I know he accepts therealme, as when I arrived on my recent visit, he asked a favour of me (concerning bathroom habits) that he would not have had to ask of a female visitor. So yeah, I guess it's okay. But no matter what he calls me, I would like for him to understand why he should be respectful of how a person identifies, and react accordingly. -Michael

It will get better, bit by bit they will learn to use the correct gender pronoun. ...and yet, despite everything they WILL make mistakes, especially family as they have a long history to change in their heads. Hugs Caroline

Ok had another session with my therapist and guess what Tears they fell like rain , what the hell at no other time then this my anti-depressants keep me from tearing up or feeling a thing and I get in here and a few questions into the session I cant stop crying . Frig make up my mind then on top of it I got home and their I was an emotional mess again , my wife wants to know whats wrong and why do I keep going to see my therapist if every time I am going to turn into a basket case , crying over the littlest things and at nothing at all , she said she wanted me to stop going if this keeps up , and I told her I need it apparently because of the years of this building up and not letting go of it all , so I know I am gona cry my eyes out until I get this stumbling block knocked out , I thought I had made it past all this a long time ago but hey its really a different story when there is that carring soul looking back at you asking those questions and reflecting your pain ... I know my problems but I simply cant get over them , is this a good thing for my transition , well no I need to be strong because transitioning is a mental battlefield constantly bombarding us with waves of attacks , so to be holding onto such old pain it makes transition seem insurmountable and almost unatainable ... I know that I have to get past these problems as well because transition is a marvelous and splendid time that we should revel in because of the joy our lives are begining to expeiriance for the first time since our awaikening , But you know 34 years of battle is so hard to let go of in such a short amount of time , hence why Time be your best friend take it hold it and use it to make it past this crap , I know I am , Ok going to cry myself to sleep and hopefully when I wake up in the morning I have managed to break down one more obsticle that held me back from my happiness ... You all my best Love and hugs Steph

Mike , this is the question isnt it , the one big never leaving the room standing in the corner waiting to pop into your daily conversations question .... When is some one that says they know and understand and accept you for you pops off with the he/she statement , would it have mattered that it was in public concerning a woman he percieved as Trans or would it have been more understandable if it was at the house plopped on the couch watching another springer or morrey episode on Trans this or Trans that , I often get the snide comments flung through out the room when such shows are on , usually from the Daughter , her Boyfriend and My Son , My wife no but she doesnt exactly show her support on a daily basis ... I know that I have given all of them more then an adiquate amount of time to come to gripps with my gender and how I express myself on a daily basis But they all still throw their daggers my way when they feel I am at my weekest and as of late that is often ... The saving light is that I have some Good anti-depressants Now and I simply dont have enough time to think about their ignorant spowtings , it goes in and comes out before I have a second to ponder it , so I guess like Lori and Bonnie have said No matter how long things have been and no matter who it may be , their will all ways be that stupid remark that gets under our skin , can we deal with it like you did by scencible questioning and reason Hopefully , should we have to , One would think that we shouldn't when it comes to family or close loved ones but yet we still do . It sucks and it will happen many more times before your though with transition , unfortunatly you are correct society likes us to believe it is more tollerant and understanding but when the reality is that it has to bite its tounge so it doesnt constantly stick us with thorns . Take care Mike you sweet soul , I will always think you my guy friend from the intercosmic ethernet ... Kiss' you big hansom devil you ... Hugs steph

I wouldn't take it so hard, Michael. Love is all that really matters and I am sure your brother loves you and so does your mother. We can't be everything to them that they expect us to be. I am not everything I expected myself to be. When it comes to transsexuality it is difficult enough to explain it to someone who really wants to understand let alone explain it to people in general. A former highschool girlfriend I am now getting reacquainted with on a friendship level is being very supportive of my transgenderism and is trying to learn all she can about it. She bought me the movie, Transamerica, which I had already seen but she hadn't and so we are in the middle of watching it. Meaning, I talked so much through it pausing every few minutes to explain things that we ran out of time and so she will come again to watch the rest of it. The reason I am bringing this up is because there is a part in it where Bree is sitting in a restaurant and a young girl asks her if she is a boy or a girl. That freaks Bree out. The comparative part comes later when Bree and her son are at the house of an mtf friend who is having a TG party. Bree comments about how one women is so not passable. Her friend tells her she is a GG from Mary Kay. The point being, we all do it. The important part is what we do with that information, acceptance or non-acceptance. When someone asks a question or makes a statement about someone who is transgender or transgenderism in general we should try to answer the question without judgement. Being able to talk about it is a really big thing. It is more important than we may think. I am elated when I can talk to someone about it. I wouldn't be upset with your brother. He felt free enough to talk to you about it in the first place. Correct his thinking, discuss things if need be but leave the door open for more questions or comments so that you can continue to educate him. If you close that door out of anger or disappointment he will stop talking to you about it. I hope this helps. hugs, Bonnie

My family took a long time to come around and I still notice they often just omit any gender pronouns when referring to me. Makes me wonder what they call me when I'm not around. I transitioned a long, long time ago so they should be used to me. Still, I think they do love me, and accept me as much as they are capable. It has surely been a long road but I guess I'm lucky. Sometimes I just have to keep a thick skin. Good luck with the family and loved ones. Hugs, Lori

I am just a normal woman staining daily to make the right choices, How can I be sure I am making the correct ones can I even make a difference will I make it out of this with my brain intack, it ackes with the pain I feel my tears flow like rain my head at the point of bursting thoughts roll around like a land slide crashing into other thoughts and creating an overwelming sence of anquish and doubt..... The time it passes and slowely a tear turnes into a river of raging waters salty and bitter to taste washing down my face I know the pains they carry away washing away any signs I might have shown to the outside world but yet still hidden within the pain grows again waiting for its chance to over take the dams I have placed to hold them back , and yet again they fail as I do and have in the past.... trying to simply hold them in is overwelming in its self .... The pain crashes into life again will it take me this time or can I withstand the battering I take again ..... It hurts and it must be released or I will fail , Will I fall sucoming to the pain or is this not an opption , opptions are lifes choices and I have no choice I am strong enough I can and will make it I must or it is all for not and I cant let this be my epitath for those I surround myself would not understand what pain I endure and I cant show them for they would become sorrowed as I have and this is not a legacy to inherant nor one I would want to pass on to those I have such love and admiration for. A tear is a small amount of liquid dispelled from our bodies they are the carriers of our pains our joys and our thoughts they flow from us gathering what they must to help us deal with what ever takes us at that moment they begin to flow, they flow like rivers and fall as individuals , as we all are... We can take a lesson from our tears they like us are strong as individuals and even stronger as a river when they are accompanied by others, we can be strong on our own but with others along we can move mountains .... I want to Thank all those along for the support they have given this last year, and hope to continue in the coming years, you have held my hand and wiped away my tears giving me hope to continue on, It shall not take me becasue with the loving support you have given I have become strong as a river , and an even stronger woman....My heart goes out to you my friends this holiday season I give you all my love and best wishes in your daily lives.

Thank you my dear, tears are anything but weakness .... They are the strongest thing I know they can hold every emotion every thought and every feeling , they bring us relief and joy .... Thank you sorry I know you added this a long time back but I am just wondering through my tidbits and wanted to reply to those I missed... Huggs

Wondering, Why must those who have the most in this world think that they are intitled to dictate to those that have the least what their lives must be,and how they must live? What of them have been told that they must be a part of the whole to go through life and be something that they are not. Act in a manner not of their nature I suppose that those with the most have never been told to act, to be, or you will, I suppose that they have expected the entitlement to do,be or act in the ways that they see fit not by anyones dictated attitude so why must they always take this course with those that dont have the most or even a bit those that struggle to make it through the day without just exploding into a fit of rage or worse taking the ultimate step and ending thier lives those that fail in lifes tests and tribulations ending up as another statistic on the wall of some buricrat who just thinks that we are no more then just another wage earner to increase the governments coffers,allowing those with the most to dictate further what we shall be what we shall do and how we all shall live.. I say that in order to change these facts we must do it one person at a time quietly disceatly and respectfully, those that have made it to the otherside know that those that are allowed to shout and cause great disrupt in the order of things are only making it that much harder to bring about the changes that will benefit those on the way up,Changing minds and attitudes can only take place one person at a time we cant force anything on an indivigual we must desceatly,subtly change those peoples minds with a bit of information that their brains can understand and will take into consideration when we were told as children dont or you will or your suppose to well then our actions were of defiance and hate,I think such is that of society just like a child it too must be coexed into understanding why or how .. I believe that at this point our expectation of society to know and understand what it is we need is only one mind away from acceptance,one mind away from understanding, I dont want tollerance I want only to be, Not to just make due or make by, I want to just be ,as do all those before me and all those to come..so lady's and gentlemen we cant expect to be understood if we just yell at those that have the most we must whisper those points to them let their minds wrap themselves around the knowledge and accept the facts as they are not as they appear as we all know that appearance can be decieving... We all have to be on the same side if we are not then we shall never be allowed to just be the woman or men that we are we must stop forcing those that dont understand to understand we have to hint at and gently direct them into the knowledge and understanding of we are just men and women we always have been and always will be.. I beive that at some point they will stop trying to put us into that nice little box that is so much easier to look to when they are courious and want to act like they understand they dont but with pacience and time we will bring the understanding and acceptance to the whole, but only though the one can this be done...

With every breath I make a choice to continue to the next, and being within the world I am forced to open my eyes to my path it may be long it may be hard but nothing that we strive for is ever easy it must all come at some cost to us... I will not fall I will hold tight to my dreams and I will never faulter with the help of good friends and the support they offer I will not fall and break... This is my promise to those that have given me hope and shinned the light of hope into my darkest place your all in my heart this new year and I hope to be your support as you have been mine this past year... I love you all.... Thank you