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I'm not going to lie, I'm extremely frustrated. Maybe from not taking my meds last night, maybe from being tired, maybe even from just being restless. I'm so frustrated at the moment that I could just scream and start a fist fight. This whole month has been one big bowl of rotten, festering cherries in my face. First I had that fight with my sister, who has now decided that I'm a bad influence around my nieces, therefore she doesnt want me around them so long as I'm going to be warren, not kristy. That's the first straw. Then, the whole "You cant change your work nametag until you change your name legally". The constant judgement and attitude from my head chef and then the HR lady (who confessed to someone else that the only reason shes being a b**** to me is because she thinks I'm hurting my bf by changing. Give me a f***ing break. So you're a b**** to me instead? Thanks a lot!) That got extremely old, Extremely fast. Then, while getting ready to leave for my hour long session of b****ing to my therapist, BOOM, CRASH, SNAP! Down I go. Severely sprained ankle, bruises of purple, black and green all over. Later found out I'd also cracked my shin bone, which they can do literally nothing for but let it heal. THEN I had the lovely embrace of that bastard they call the FLU. Jeez, thanks for that. Coughing and hacking so hard it'd force me to vomit, my head aching, my skin crawling with either sweat or shivers. That was a lovely time.....not! Then I were slapped with the extra detail that I cannot take any form of cough medicine because it counteracts with my lexapro/anti-depressant. Wow, really? Thanks a whole heaping lot! So the docs advice? Deal with it. I had attempted EIGHT TIMES to get to the city and pay the courts a visit to officially change my name. EIGHT F***ING TIMES. Blizzard, car breaks, storms, storms, more storms, and 3 feet of snow in one fall. Finally, on the nineth time, I told my boyfriend ahead of time that I dont give a flying **** what the weather looked like. I was going. So a one hour ride took me almost three. Doing 10mph on the interstate because it's backed up with traffic from severe weather, snow piling up everywhere, cars crashing left and right from idiot drivers not paying attention. The whole ride I kept reminding myself "its just testing you. how badly do you want to be warren?" So I kept going. FINALLY I got to the courthouse, after fighting a map to figure out where I was going. But it wasnt the right place. They sent me to the wrong one. "You need probate court". Fine. Give me directions. Drive another ten minutes. This is probationary court. Are you under probation? No? You need THAT courthouse. Another ten minutes. And another. Another courthouse, another ten minutes, another courthouse. By this time I had visited over seven courthouses and been told I were in the wrong one. It got to the point where I'd refuse to empty my pockets (as Id had to do for every courthouse) or go through the metal detectors. I'd ask the officers right at the door "can I change my name here? No? Bye." I'd lost my patience. Then, after being stuck for 20 minutes at a broken streetlight that rotated turns six times before letting my lane go, I finally reached the actual courthouse that I needed to be at. By this time I were going to be late for work, despite leaving at 6am and not needing to work until noon. FINALLY I handed over the paperwork, paid the 120$, and was informed of a letter I'd get in the mail in about 5 weeks about a court date. Come and talk to a judge, and I'm legally Warren. So, I felt a little better. But then I was late for work and had to move my a**. At which point my car breaks down. It shuts off going down a highway, stalls, wont shift....so I sit on the side of the road for about an hour before it actually moves and gets me to work. I get to work, no problem, when I realize one of the other girls' nametag. Moo. Moo!? Seriously?! I'm not allowed to get my name tag changed to Warren unless I legally change my name, but she can get MOO!? DID SHE LEGALLY CHANGE HER NAME TO MOO!? I DONT F***ING THINK SO!!! So, trying to keep my cool, I spotted the manager (theres several of them, and they constantly butt heads. This one is named Mike H. Normally I hate him.) He was messing with a can opener that my section were given but done use, due to the fact that it literally SHREDS the cans and I deemed it unsafe. I happened to ask him at which point I can get my tags changed, since I had to wait for the paperwork from the court. He seemed confused, arching a brow at me. I explained to him that I am transgendered, and want my name tag changed, but was told I couldnt until I legally changed my name. Which I had officially done, but was waiting for my paperwork. Of course I also mentioned "Moo". He seemed confused. "Who told you that you couldnt?" he asked. I explained, and he became furious. Mike H. is very supportive of diversity with homosexuality, transgenders, crossdressers, etc. The school that I work in PRIDES itself on their openness and support to the LGBT. Yet...clearly under his nose the whole time, was judgement and descrimination towards me because I'm transgender. He FLIPPED. A LID. He swore to get to the bottom of it, get my nametag, and take care of the problem. He did as he said. I have my nametag, I have his oath of support, and he even informed me that if ANYONE says ANYTHING against my situation, to tell him immediatly and he'll 'take care of it'. So on one small note, it was a very good day. He insists on calling me Warren, and he has no problem remembering it. He says it a little more than needed, perhaps to make me feel confident or perhaps just to remind himself of it so he doesnt slip up. But nevertheless, it's improved. I'm going to leave this ranting, raging, venting blog here, on a good note. My name change is official. I'm waiting on the judge and my paperwork, and I'm officially Warren. Kristy will be a name of the past. My job has officially been kicked square in the a**, and I can walk around being known as Warren, and legit be able to tell people "name tag says Warren. I had a name change, please dont call me kristy". Now.....to tell the boyfriends parents....hrm. OFFICIALLY YOURS, Warren

After surgery my mother called hearing I was in California for surgery and inquired to what the surgery was. I told her it was not life threatening on three different times days after surgery, not to worry mom. Well this morning she called and asked about my surgery again and I said, don't you remember, I told you it was nothing to worry about. She said, I think I know what it was for. I said, what you do think, she said gender change? Well I am surely not going to deny it as my only reason for not telling her was that she is 94 and thought it would upset her, guess I got it wrong. She said I still love you and always will no matter what. She told me when I was young that there was just something about me and that she could see me as a female and actually would had loved to had another daughter but did not know what to do and simply treated me as her child. She never pushed me in either direction from my memories at any point. So now I have fully disclosure with my family :)

I went to bed around 10PM and woke up at 2:30AM which is not enough sleep, tinkered around until 5AM and then got another hour sleep. When I woke up still did not feel well but knew I had to do my dilation and was the worst dilation since the first one. I glided the tool in and knew immediately that it was going to be a painful time but kept on going. Usually immediately afterwards I take a shower which tends to make me feel normal again but it has been one hour since the shower and just beginning to feel better. Just goes to show there are good days and there are bad days, we need to push ourselves when in this position else suffer the consequences which in this case is lost of width and depth.

Went to the grocery store this morning and while heading down one of the aisles a co-worker was crossing the aisle, look right at me and did not notice me. That was indeed a good sign as you can not fake not recognizing someone I had worked with for 15 years verses the look that someone gives you that they are ignoring you, at least in my book. This happened two other times in the past year so guess I am on the right track.

Having never been in hiding, I cant say how it feels to have come out to the world. It's in your face obvious that I'm special and unique. And this package is a police official too. So lete go through a decade of trials and tribulations in an organization that is male orientated with almost no ability to change.My decade started off with bam, because not only was I attacked and attempted to convince me that I'm wrong in who I am and portray. Gloating to everyone that she has put me in my place. Her actions were inappropriate as she didnt even bother to send out the complainant before attacking me. In any country with a constitution, the police doesnt govern that constitution, the constitution governs the state and all the sectors beneath it. So taking me on because of my gender and your perceived sexuality doesnt work. For once I couldn't open my mouth, but hey I was emotionally in the dumps as a friend was lying in ICU because of heart failure. My brain wasnt on this woman acting liking an amateur biatch.Subsequently because she dared to go against the constitutional laws of the country, I threw a hissy fit and had a case opened against her. Okay a normal biatch fit consist of me, kicking and punching my way through someone's face or body.DID ANYBODY JUST SAY THAT I HOPE ITS NOT A GIRL WE DEALING WITH. WELL, GIRLS CAN FIGHT TOO, WE NOT JUST CREATURES THAT OOZES SEX APPEAL, INNOCENSE, AND IN MY CASE LOOK LIKE A MODEL AT THE AGE OF 34 AND ALMOST 35 YEARS OLD.I never thought that any person could hate any gender or sexuality. Or what is it about me, because some are interested in me and others are totally against me.So my year ended off with a legal battle and started off with a legal battle. It can either shoot me in my foot with promotions. But hey, I'll akways know that I'm overlooked not because capabilities, but because I was cancelled because someone on the panel doesnt like me. As I can truly say that in my decade as a peace officer, I have made certain I studied and I knew my work to 3 or 4 levels higher than what I'm currently obtain, and have been for the last 8years, the 1st 2years were being a student here in RSA.So doesnt mean you in a country that is accepting, you still get those trying to fight and change you to what they want. All I can say is, I AM AN INDIVIDUAL, AND WILL NEVER BE WHO YOU WANT ME TO BE, AND I'LL ALWAYS FIGHT FOR MY RIGHTS, BECAUSE MY PARENTS TEACHING WERE CLEAR. DONT CHANGE SOMEONE, IF THEY WANT TO CHANGE BE SUPPORTIVE AND NOT A ROYAL ASS DICK.My next entry will be more focused, just needes everything off my chest that was bothering me. So kiss my toosh if you are one of those persons trying to tell me, Girl should not like cars, firearms and fighting styles. To those that understood my rambling, good for you.

Here's another perfect example of how the goings-on in the world highly influence conversation. I knew it would only be a matter of time before I opened up more. Yesterday, on the way home from church, my elderly gentleman friend who drives me to and from church happened to mention Bruce Jenner. Keep in mind that the lid on the bean container, metaphorically speaking, of course, has been loose for quite some time. Mentioning the transitioning star tipped over the container and.... You know what happened. I admitted my secret inner issues to the outreach director of my church, no less. He reassured me everything will be all right and God will get me through it. I can only hope he, my friend who drives me, realizes this conversation is far from over. I've held back for so long, trying to disguise this inner woman, and I am seeing how denying something only makes it worse. I am relieved by him telling me that he will pick me up, next Sunday, Lord willing and weather permitting. Still, that's a first step. I can't hold it in forever, and pretending just does not work, anymore. I let him know I've been coming to this website, not giving out the name. He was very calm about this confession. He assured me there's nothing wrong in telling him about this. I feel good he's not going to stop taking me to church over this. I can rest assured he's praying for God's will to be done in this sensitive and personal situation. The last thing I wanted to do was tell any of my Christian friends about this. I thought God would've secretly cured me of this by now, but it's not happening that way. I'm not giving up on His help, but I have to accept there's no magical way out. Jesus is the Father who knows best for me. He created me and he knows why I'm so divided like this.

I will start off by saying that in the past 15 years there has been just one time I truly cried for something real. Today I was watching Chicago Fire television show where there was a very emotional scene. I could feel my body reacting to what I was watching and figured my eyes would become watery but not the case today, I completely broke down, cried, body shook and I actually made sounds. This has to be the hormones as I have noticed in recent months more joy in various aspects of my life, people say I smile a good deal more and I am noticing this myself. I did consider not posting this but decided it might be helpful to know that it took about 9 months to feel undeniable changes in inside of me and 14 months to where there was no controlling what happened today. Since this happened just 10 minutes ago, think I will curl up in my easy chair with a warm cup of black tea.

I would have dearly loved to see the other chef's face and body language when he found out that his little game was up. Kudos to Mike. As for the woman in H.R.... human resources is not the place to play games. It's not her concern if you changing your name affects your b/f. And if she will do something like that to one person... what else would she be willing to do? Accidentally on purpose lose an employee's application for promotion because she doesn't like what brand of soda he drinks? I knew an H.R. director who played games like that. You don't mess with peoples' lives and livleyhoods. Makes me think that being in such a position becomes a power trip...and these people think they are god. Mike H. should discipline the chef that told you you couldn't have a name tag that reflected the name you preferred, and your employer should fire the H.R. twit. -Michael

Dear Warren, If that is not male energy, then I don't know what is! LOL! Am so proud of you!! Yours truly, Monica

I texted her last week and said how about we get together? She said, next Sunday and why not come for dinner. When I arrived there was no mistaking that I had transitioned and this was the first they heard of it but she had figured it out from cryptic post I made on Facebook over the past six months. Her husband took it in stride but later confided in my he was very surprised. Her daughter and grand-son were there too who just heard from my daughter. We spent abound two hours chatting in their living room where the topics ranged from my transition to me teaching self-defense to politics. Then we went out to a nice Mexican restaurant, took our time and had a good time then back to their place for tea, chatted another hour or so then I said I needed to leave (needed time for dilating and they are one hour away from my place). Her daughter texted me this morning and said her son who had only met me many years ago told his mom that he was interested in learning self-defense from me and also not once referred to me other than female but did say he could not see anything else. So next Sunday I am heading back up in the afternoon to do some teaching and glad these people are still in my life. PS I actually have more contact with them then my ex-wife does LOL which must say something about me.

Hey Warren, You know, man, we're your supporters. Stay hopeful, stay strong. I know you can. You're showing your wisdom and strength. I always love hearing from you. Hugs, Emma

Awesome!

I understand and am glad you could get some of this off your chest. Keep it coming! Don't stop.

The morning was not so hot which I believe was from yesterday's experience. Once I did my morning dilation, had breakfast and shower things where looking up. My neighbor left me my mail from the two weeks I was gone and happy to find my new social security card, new American Express card and Utah concealed handgun license. Now I need to get out and shop as my place is bare bones empty on food and essentials. And I am so happy to be back at home, feels fantastic :-)

Yesterday started out good but ended up as a very frustrating day overall. Got up, took a shower then ate breakfast followed by checking email. One of the messages was from Alaska airlines indicating there were congestion issues forecasted at the San Francisco airport (which is ten minutes from my hotel) and that my flight was moved to San Jose which is just over one hour away. Called the limo service right away and said no problem. Wait for two hours, limo driver comes to pick me up and advised me to call Alaska to make sure of the change. Well the automated help for Alaska was no help at all and got a live person who verified the change so off we went. Got there about 1.5 hours early, checked in and had some difficulties going through TSA and almost left without my wallet. Waited around, 15 minutes before boarding they changed the flight time two times then announced they had a lot of people at San Francisco airport being shuttled over. That took sometime and finally boarded 45 minutes late. When doing the pre-flight thing on the plane prior to taking off the pilot indicated he was doing a special take off called a slingshot which gets the plane in the air really fast and let me tell you it was very cool. I've never timed how long it took to get to the final height but this time was much much faster. At one point he said we were ahead of schedule and got there and out of the plane fast. Now I don't know when my shuttle leaves but do know it is 24-7 service. Wait at the place designated for a while and then call the service asking were the shuttle was and that I was late. They said about 10 minutes ago and the next one would be in about two hours (eeks). So I needed to wait there with nothing to do. When the shuttle arrives it takes time to get people aboard. One thing nice is if you have a reservation you get boarded first. Did not time this either but there were several that had to pay and believe me that it takes time for that. Get on the road and of course it is rush hour, more time sitting down which after GRS surgery really is not great. Was supposed to be home by 4PM but did not get home until 7:30PM. At this point I needed to unpack, get something to eat and dilate. The important thing is I must dilate especially since I had only dilated first thing in the morning and it really has not been that long since surgery so I see it as do not mess dilation unless unavoidable. Screw cooking so off to McDonalds and they get my order wrong, back home, eat, setup for dilation and then do it. Starting the process was painful and have to wonder if it was stress or from missing the second dilation session. Oh, neighbor came over at one point and chatted with me. When all was done it's about 10PM and have been up for a very long time and had zero issues falling asleep. Hoping to get some rest this morning as friends are stopping by this afternoon and tomorrow I am driving from Salem Oregon to Portland Oregon for a visit with relatives. Oh, I wake up this morning and my best female friend says her son is travelling past my town and wants to take me out to lunch. Her children all call me Anty LOL and are great kids ranging in age from 16 to 22. I can not even imagine today being anything be great other than the fact my bottom is a tad sore.