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Everyone should have a 'transition song'. I listen to mine every single day. Every time my transition gets to be too hard or too frustrating. "Silhouettes" by Avicii is mine. Not only because of the video that comes along with it, but for the lyrics. "We've come a long way since that day, and we'll never look back at the faded silhouettes." It means you have to keep looking forward. You're not the person you were back then. You're not the same person you were on the day you decided enough was enough, and you're now you. The REAL you! I vowed that it'll be the song I listen to before I go in for my top surgery, and I'll listen to it as soon as I come out. Avicii has kept me going with that one simple song, so...soooo many times. Blaring it in the car, on my headphones, on the stereo....anything. It keeps my head up. I wanted to take a minute to vent out some encouragement to you guys, and girls even. I had this moment of bursting enthusiasm on my way home tonight, of course, while listening to this song. One day you will have your moment. Maybe it's already come and you're transitioning. Maybe you're still trying to get up the courage to have your moment of truth. But one day, you'll have it. And it will be sooooo soooo uplifting and relieving. To finally get it off your chest. A truth that no one can fully understand and appreciate unless they've been through it. Since I started my job, my new doctor, and my therapist Joan...I've grown a person. I was depressed, dare I say suicidal, confused, frustrated, angry, and overweight. I was stressed. I hated my reflection, I hated my life, my situation, my family…I just wanted out. I soon turned to cutting, slicing away at my arms because the pain numbed the emotions. Hiding in a bathroom stall at work simply to avoid talking to people. Enduring the stinging of my chef’s coat sleeves rubbing against my bandaged and swollen arms, only to increase the agony later that night. I know it sounds like I’m only being depressing right now but bare with me here for a moment. That was almost a year ago. I went from 235pnds to 208pnds. You want to know how? Not with my diet, because it hasn’t changed much. Not with exercise because I don’t get much aside from work. Happiness. Comfort. That’s what I credit it to. I’m a happier person, more comfortable in my own skin. And that all came from one simple thing. Truth. Accepting who I am and moving forward to become that man OUTSIDE as much as I was INSIDE. Acceptance from my boyfriend, and knowing that he’ll be by my side even if I think he’d be best with a real girl. Someone who like to dress up and look pretty. Acceptance from myself, that I don’t HAVE to be Kristy. I don’t HAVE to put on make up. I don’t HAVE to put on that blouse, or that pretty skirt, and damn it I don’t HAVE to shave my damn legs every night and make my hair perfect and torment myself with the constant images of what I knew people WANTED ME to look like. I threw aside my faded photograph of the girl my mother raised, and instead started to draw my own picture. Of me. Of Warren. Point is…be you. I know that sounds corny but it’s true. BE TRUE TO YOU. A quote from Aslan from Chronicles of Narnia was “You doubt your values…don’t. Don’t run from who you are.” No matter how far I ran or how much makeup I bought or what my dresses looked like, I was running away from my true self. The person I knew I was deep down inside, no matter what people said. So what, you don’t want to wear that blouse? Then don’t! You want to put on jeans? Damn it, rock those denims! You don’t like bras? Guess what, no one does! Ditch it! Sure, you might have to exchange it for a binder or so but hell, I wake up every morning and put it on and don’t feel HALF as miserable as I did looking at those damn “boulder holders”. You don’t like heels? Great, they’re uncomfortable anyway! You don’t like makeup? FINE! You’re gorgeous or handsome how you are! You want to try boxers? GOOD ON YA! You’ll love it, theyre comfortable as hell! Cut that hair! Dirty those hands! Get under the hood of that car, no one can tell you that you cant! Damn it, same goes for you girls! You like pink? SO WHAT!? I LIKE BLUE! And red, really. You want to wear a skirt? Well damn it, shave those legs and rock those pastels! You like heels? Good on ya, because I cant stand them! Someone’s gotta do it! Lacey pink panties? Hell yea, that shit is adorable! Makeup makes you feel good? PERFECT!!! That’s….perfect…. It makes you feel good…it makes you happy…it makes you…YOU.. Don’t bow down to society. You like dolls, you like cars…who cares? True they whisper. True they talk. But it’s worth it. Every word, every lie, every muttering word they spit. It’s worth it. It might not feel like it right now, or tomorrow, or a week from now. But one day you’ll look back and realize it was worth it. I hated myself back a year ago. I hated going out. I dreaded getting dressed in the morning, and I wanted to burn my wardrobe. I hated my hair, I hated brushing it, hated doing ANYTHING to it. I hated putting on makeup. Now….I love me. It’s not perfect, and there are certainly things I want to change. But I’m comfortable. I cried when I cut off all my hair. I cried because I could finally see what I wanted to see. All those years of standing crouched in the mirror so I could try and imagine myself without breasts. All those years of tucking my hair into a hat to try and picture what I’d look like as a man. Worth it. I wake up, rake a hand through my short hair, pull on my boxers and my jeans. I wrestle into my binders and tuck them into my jeans, button up my favorite green shirt, and drop my hat on slightly sideways before lacing up my steeltoe boots. I stand up, look in the mirror….and I see…ME. Warren. Not someone pretending to be who theyre not, just for the sake of salvation from judgement. We get judged every day, regardless of your gender or orientation. Theyre judging you for the car you drive. The soda you drink. The socks you wear. The food you eat. Why not get judged for something that matters? This matters to me. Being myself. Being happy. And even though I still have a long way to go, I’m comfortable knowing that…. “We’ve come a long way since that day. And we’ll never look back at the faded silhouettes” Kristy is my faded silhouette. She was pretty, she was kind, she was shy, but she was scared. And she was depressed. And she was so…so very confused and frustrated, and wanted to endure no more. She blossomed, she toughened up, she worked on her car and she didn’t give a damn. She became Warren. Warren is cute, almost like he skipped puberty and stayed adorable. Warren is kind, he is shy, and he certainly still gets scared. Warren talks to a therapist, but mostly just to give himself a kick in the ass when he needs it. To make himself stop and think and get a move on. Warren is no longer depressed. Warren is no longer confused, he knows who he is. HE is HIMSELF. And you are too, but only if you let yourself be. You cant blossom if you don’t look at the sunshine. You cant transform if you don’t break out of your cocoon. You cant win a race if you don’t hit the gas. You cant lift that weight if you don’t break a sweat. You cant see the light by hiding in the shadows. Be who you are. I cant say it enough, I really cant. You may be transgendered, but you’re also transformed. In more ways than one, you have evolved. Or you’re yet to. If you haven’t yet…don’t fear it. Don’t fight it. Because it’s the most wonderful feeling in the world. Walking into a changing room and being directed to the mens rooms when you once shrank away in the women’s room. Or being shown a pair of heels when someone once forced your sparkling piggies into boots or sneakers. Trying on that skirt for the first time and realizing how wonderful it felt. Putting on that baggy tshirt because damn it, that ****ing blouse drove you crazy! Chosing those bangles and earring to match your outfit. Taking off the jewelry and getting dirty. It’s different for everyone, but I can promise that everyone has the same smile in the end. A real smile. A true smile. One you’d been hiding, or perhaps you never knew you had. Be you. No one else can do it for you. Warren

I had a conversation with my wife last night about the possibility of going SCUBA Diving again (I used to be an Instructor back in my male days 4 years or so ago), my wife said that she'd like to do that, we talked about our favourite shore dive in the UK, with fond reminisances. I'm not sure if we'll actually get around to doing it though, as we both have other interests that compete for our spare time now. But later in the night when I couldn't sleep (red wine induced insomnia!), I looked back at my past male life, and came to the conclusion that I had simply used up all my maleness too soon! I was pretty full on at it. In my late teens and twenties I was a semi-outlaw biker, yes I had been involved in acts of gratuitous violence on occassions but most of the time smoking a certain kind of cigarette if you catch my gist, we also had a lot of a certain kind of fungus growing locally ! (funny that this fungus has since been made illegal in the UK!), I grew up a bit in my late 20's and by my early 30's became involved with SCUBA Diving, this was great fun, fast boats a dive into a different world and lots of gratuitous consumption of Alcohol afterwards (yes we all knew that we shouldn't be drinking, but what the hell), I also became a Commercial Diver too, we call them dope on a rope in the UK ! (For those of you who don't know, a commercial diver is mostly an underwater labourer in the inshore sector of UK Commercial diving). I hope you're getting the idea? I was also cross dressing in secret whilst all of this was going on, I was obviously covering this secret part of my life with a very male lifestyle, It was a subterfuge. This is what I thought might have used up all of my maleness, and allowed my femme side to out itself........Perhaps I shouldn't drink too much red wine in future? LOL Anyway I can't rightly remember how far I got with my previous blog entries, but my documentation is gaining pace now, Tesco have sent me a new credit card at last, so I've transfered my balance to a different card and I'll close the Tesco account, thery were so arrogant and slow with me grrrr.... My vehicle registration came back today with my new name, and I had a message from the UK Passport Office that seemed very positive about my passport replacement. I have a list of other not so important organisations and petty beaurocracies, that I need to tell of my name change, I'll start this tomorrow. I've been out and about today at work and on private errands, with no negative responses, my confidence is growing all the time, and it feels great. I can't remember if I have already told of my visit to my GP's surgery or not? anyway bear with me if I'm retelling this. I had an appointment on the 6th Feb at 17:10, there were a few others waiting in the waiting room, all of which saw their doctor before I did. I have to use a touch screen to announce that I've arrived at the surgery, it asks male or female (more binary crap!) so I touched female, it asked for my date of birth, I entered it, it asked was I Eve, yes I answered and I mentally shouted YES AT LAST!! I'M RELLY EVE, the NHS has now recognised my aquired gender, and I don't have to suffer any embarrassment again. But when I finally went into the doctors room, she looked amazed, she'd never seen me dressed as female before, it made me feel so happy. It's all the little things in life like this, that make it really possible for me to go about life in my new gender role, and each document or organisation that changes is a battle won on the road to final victory. My face has feminised over the last 3 months or so especially my lips which are now fuller than they were, my boobs have also become much fuller too, I think I've been quite fortunate in this respect as most other trans girls that I know, haven't had as much "chest" development as I have had. I'm cutting out alcohol for the next couple of weeks or so, the problem with alcohol is that it makes me eat the next day, and this is something I want to avoid, i want to have another sprint at further weight loss. Well that's all for now, I'll try to write some more drivel next week............... Cheers, Eve x

Dear Warren, Think you have turned around the corner! Am proud of you, brother! Yours truly, Monica

Hey Warren, You are the one, adorable, admirable, wonderful... Goodness, I am so happy to read your post tonight. Yeah, we will all have our ups and downs. But shoot, enjoy the ups, like you are! I don't know what else I can say. I like you and am so happy that you're part of our little community here. Hugs, hugs, hugs... Emma

I believe over time you will see the little things as landmarks that can cause great happiness.

Here's another perfect example of how the goings-on in the world highly influence conversation. I knew it would only be a matter of time before I opened up more. Yesterday, on the way home from church, my elderly gentleman friend who drives me to and from church happened to mention Bruce Jenner. Keep in mind that the lid on the bean container, metaphorically speaking, of course, has been loose for quite some time. Mentioning the transitioning star tipped over the container and.... You know what happened. I admitted my secret inner issues to the outreach director of my church, no less. He reassured me everything will be all right and God will get me through it. I can only hope he, my friend who drives me, realizes this conversation is far from over. I've held back for so long, trying to disguise this inner woman, and I am seeing how denying something only makes it worse. I am relieved by him telling me that he will pick me up, next Sunday, Lord willing and weather permitting. Still, that's a first step. I can't hold it in forever, and pretending just does not work, anymore. I let him know I've been coming to this website, not giving out the name. He was very calm about this confession. He assured me there's nothing wrong in telling him about this. I feel good he's not going to stop taking me to church over this. I can rest assured he's praying for God's will to be done in this sensitive and personal situation. The last thing I wanted to do was tell any of my Christian friends about this. I thought God would've secretly cured me of this by now, but it's not happening that way. I'm not giving up on His help, but I have to accept there's no magical way out. Jesus is the Father who knows best for me. He created me and he knows why I'm so divided like this.

Hey Warren, You know, man, we're your supporters. Stay hopeful, stay strong. I know you can. You're showing your wisdom and strength. I always love hearing from you. Hugs, Emma

I would have dearly loved to see the other chef's face and body language when he found out that his little game was up. Kudos to Mike. As for the woman in H.R.... human resources is not the place to play games. It's not her concern if you changing your name affects your b/f. And if she will do something like that to one person... what else would she be willing to do? Accidentally on purpose lose an employee's application for promotion because she doesn't like what brand of soda he drinks? I knew an H.R. director who played games like that. You don't mess with peoples' lives and livleyhoods. Makes me think that being in such a position becomes a power trip...and these people think they are god. Mike H. should discipline the chef that told you you couldn't have a name tag that reflected the name you preferred, and your employer should fire the H.R. twit. -Michael

I emailed a co-worker whom I told he could use my parking spot at work that I would be in for HR work. He said let's all go out for coffee, which I said sure thing. When I got to work about 10 or so co-workers came over to see how I was doing. I gave them a brief on how things were going and that I will be out for several more weeks (Robin at Marci's office emailed me today and said I can go back to work around March 2nd). So six of us took a walk over to the nearby Starbucks, got coffee, came back and chatted for a while followed by me visiting HR to get my name change going there. I was very happy that everyone came over to see me and had smiles on their faces which meant a great deal to me. There was way too much paper work to complete today so I will head back tomorrow and give them the filled out forms.

gofundme.com/m32ybc pathetic but I've started to run out of options >.> why do I feel so horrible for trying this?

Dear Eve, Am so glad you are finding closure! Yours truly, Monica

Hi Jenny, Good for you! Are you pretty confident that he will maintain your confidence, or how much chance is there that he will tell others, such as your parents or anyone else? Hugs, Emma

I texted her last week and said how about we get together? She said, next Sunday and why not come for dinner. When I arrived there was no mistaking that I had transitioned and this was the first they heard of it but she had figured it out from cryptic post I made on Facebook over the past six months. Her husband took it in stride but later confided in my he was very surprised. Her daughter and grand-son were there too who just heard from my daughter. We spent abound two hours chatting in their living room where the topics ranged from my transition to me teaching self-defense to politics. Then we went out to a nice Mexican restaurant, took our time and had a good time then back to their place for tea, chatted another hour or so then I said I needed to leave (needed time for dilating and they are one hour away from my place). Her daughter texted me this morning and said her son who had only met me many years ago told his mom that he was interested in learning self-defense from me and also not once referred to me other than female but did say he could not see anything else. So next Sunday I am heading back up in the afternoon to do some teaching and glad these people are still in my life. PS I actually have more contact with them then my ex-wife does LOL which must say something about me.

I have got to have some blood work done! I'm doing that, at least once a month, sometimes just watching the news. I have to admit, seems as if maybe it might be some post holiday blues. Or maybe it's just the state of the Universe !

Dear Karen, The "ignore" look is when they look right "through" you, as if you are invisible, or when they look at you briefly, then snap or jerk their head away, wanting to make sure you get the message they are ignoring or snubbing you. You are on the right track! Yours truly, Monica

Dear Warren, If that is not male energy, then I don't know what is! LOL! Am so proud of you!! Yours truly, Monica

Hello, I wanted to add in that PayPal was great for me in the USA. I deactivated my former account on the phone then had them transfer my bank information from that account to the Karen Payne account which must be done by PalPay. Total time on the phone was just about ten minutes.

Sorry to hear about your frustrations. But... "Schrodinger's Pass"? Either you or your friends must be physicists! Cracked me up. :-). Makes me wonder if Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle might also be at work here.

"Also, I get my strongest inner woman feelings around guys. I virtually always feel like a girl amidst guys. I can't explain myself." -Jennifer No need to try to explain. When I was working, I always felt more like myself, like a man, whenever I was dealing with a woman. More so than when I am alone. Some of them made it even easier, because they often made no attempt to look specifically for bio males if they needed help with something. If I was handy, they had me doing whatever grunt task they needed done. Sometimes, it actually felt like they made no distinction between me and the rest of the bio male workforce - I was just another one of the guys. "I agree with you that it does seem at times that the transgender scale leans toward hormones and surgery...." -Emma That scale isn't leaning -- there are those who are continually pushing on it, believing they can tilt the scales in their favour, dismissing those who don't or can't transition and thereby making themselves "legitimate" and labelling everyone else "pretenders." -Michael