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Hey guys, what's up? My name is ARTistiColor but you can call me Art. So basically before I talk about anything crazy I just want to tell you why I named my blog 'My Mask' incase you are wondering why. I basically named it 'My Mask' is because even though I am talking freely about how I am transsexual, I am just a person hiding my true self behind my 'mask'. I have not come out to my family because I am scared of losing everyone I ever loved, having a deep dark hole that can not be filled ever again in my heart. But I guess that's everyone's fear, to feel alone and unwanted. So in this blog I will be talking about my experiences as a pre FTM, my goals, my views on things and transgender news! I found out I was transgender only a couple of months ago so I am still learning. One thing that really bothers me is that I haven't found a name that really pops out. I read that transgenders look in front of the mirror and say possible name choices and that they know when they found the right name for them. None of the names I listed really pop out at me. But don't worry! I won't give up! I have been thinking of calling myself Ash or Archer. I think their both really good names, but I don't know for sure if I want that to stick with me for the rest of my life... Anyways thanks for reading, hope you have a great day, and stay colorful! -Art

I went to a surgeon this morning. I was directed to a examination room, five minutes later the surgeon (male) and his assistant (female) walked in, did an introduction then proceeded to review the forms I filled out. While going through the forms I said "I just had gender reassignment surgery two months ago" and both of their jaws dropped. I could tell it was genuine from their facial expressions. Both of them were shocked indicating they thought I was a cisgender female (they did not use cisgender term) and said they would had never guess this was the case. I responded with "thank you". After getting past this he asked me what exactly I was looking for. I indicated my desire was to have a breast size appropriate for my structure. He then had me sit a specific way and did a whole lot of measurements. Once finished with the measurements explained three different styles and shapes and made a recommendation on a size and shape. Then the assistant was curious how close was the recommendation to my breast forms, the size was the same but the shape was different. We then went into a discussion on how the implant shape would work on me. He did indicate I had a fair amount of growth from hormones. Size-wise looks like the low side of a C cup for me. The entire visit with them was about 30 minutes followed by getting an estimate which is pretty much what I expected, $7925.00 total. Everyone I have seen is in the same ballpark. I asked about doing this in May and was given May 21st as an open date. Will check with work to see if this works which I am sure it will then confirm the surgery date on Monday. So in two months I will have boobs :-) UPDATE: See the following thread for a chance on free breast forms

You know your in a decent rest room when there is a trash can by the door to drop the tissue you used to open it! :)

I have been using them for the past year. mostly public restrooms such as malls, restaurants and the likes. What is was surprised about was hearing women siting in the stall next too me and would say that 95% of them use the paper on the toilet to protect themselves while on contrast I would say it's almost the reverse for the men's restroom. Not that I am sitting there listening for that but for whatever reason this is the case. Anyways I always when available use the paper cover as one never knows who or what resided on the seat before me. Even I noticed I missed a few drops once or twice unlike (and this is a very distant memory) shaking the you know what at the urinal. So that got me think about a video on the web, a plastic device so women can stand and pee, they had a handful try it out and I think they were not impressed, neither would I be either. Now in the restrooms in my company there are these containers hanging in each stall which I have been using to hang my purse on for months now. Finally was curious enough to open the lid, yes, that was a bad idea and will leave it at that. Overall I am finding the women's restroom much cleaner than the men's restrooms but there have been a few times when I went into a stall and backed out as fast as my feet would move. One final note, in the ladies restroom in my area someone leaves three bottles of hand lotion, strawberry, lavender and vanilla. Two bottles are taped together, not sure why but love the idea of the lotions there.

Something I learned after surgery and using the toilet was I sometimes drip a few drops of pee after thinking I wiped properly. So at home I inspect the seat everytime and will wipe the seat down if there are any drops. Same for restrooms without paper covers and I have used tissues on the seat. In regards to door knobs, at work I hit the door opener with the back of my hand, still does not solve all issues but better then a normal door opening.

Veronica, I agree completely!!! In fact, I also use a piece of tissue to adjust the toilet seat (if needed) and to flush the toilet. In public restrooms I don't want to touch anything that others have touched if I can avoid it.

Glad to see you with us Art ! See you around the webiverse ! :)

Hello Art, there should be no rush deciding on a name. Best advice on a name I can give is look at a list of names, pick a handful that feel right then for a week or so contemplate how each name works for you. Do this both in your mind and when you can say it out loud, many just think in their mind while saying it out loud can make a big difference in the acceptability of a name. When I came out there were three or four should said I thought Janet was good for you while the majority said Karen was perfect. I spent more time on my last name then my first name. But each spanned over weeks, not hours or days as a name change process when it comes time for it can take four to six weeks and there is tons of paper work. You may not be ready for that now but it's good to get use to a name no matter when the name change is done, tomorrow or years from now.

I'd add that I have said many times to my friends thaty being Trans is a hell of a lot more difficult than than being Lesbian, Bi or Gay, even if you don't take hormones or have breasts or don't want GRS, you have to live with two different identities. I found this to be ever increasingly difficult, you also look completely different from your CIS self, and others can notice it and make nasty comments etc. OK after a while on hormones your features do change to be more femme (or male as the case might be), but then you have to do something about beard growth (electrolysis in my case, and it hurts), also your voice needs to be different to your cis voice. You also need to acquire the confidence to be able to present in your Trans gender everyday, not just now and again, but every day and still be capable of doing nearly all of the things that you did in your cis gender, the list goes on and on. Some of us have a head start over others of us, when their cis gender and build is closely matched to their trans gender, (I had to really work at it, and it's still ongoing).......... So yes I agree with Karens doctor, it is in my opinion one of the hardest things that I could have done. Cheers Eve

Sounds as though the restrooms are pretty much the same as in the UK, mens are a lot worse than the ladies. But it reminds me of my very first shopping trip 3-4 years ago in a mall, I had to go to the loo for more than a pee, and largely due to my almost non-existant self confidence at that time, I darted into the first trap I came across. Anyway after doing what was needed, I found that there wasn't any toilet paper, my voice still isn't femme in my opinion, but it was a lot more male at that time, so I was petrified at the thought of there's a man in the ladies being shouted out and being accosted by security guards and police!, so no, I couldn't ask the trap next door for some toilet roll. Luckily I remembered that my wife had put 2 packs of paper honkeys in my handbag.........thank god for a womans experienced help! Cheers, Eve

Several years ago, I was watching one of those investigative-type news programs (20/20, for example). They had done a piece on bathrooms. Turns out, the most germ/bacteria-riddled area of the bathroom was the doorhandle/-knob on entry/exit door of the bathroom.

Dear Warren, Hearing from you often, as today, brings a smile to my face. I like your voice and your ideas. Like you, I accept and love all. I don't care about anyone's sexuality of gender. Recently, both of my therapists (yeah, I have two!) told me that they don't care for the term "transgender." I don't really know why and need to understand this better. I think we all want labels, as long as they are respectful, so we can communicate and understand each other. I'm told that younger people are coming up with all sorts of terms and word combinations for their gender feeling and expression. I wonder if the same thing is true for sexuality. I suspect that there is no perfect word for ones sexuality especially if it includes more than the opposite sex. Keep trying I say but then again don't stress over it. There are too many other things to worry about! Enjoy your vacation. Go have a tea or coffee, read a book, take a nap. You deserve it. Hugs, Emma

I have my therapy appointment tomorrow. I am also traveling out of town to visit my mom in Ohio from DC. I may stop by the Keystone Conference on Thursday and stay the night. I don't know. I would kind of like to see what it is all about. I may register to go for the entire thing next year. Not much has happened in the last two weeks since I have posted, I am still in crisis mode, prone to cry or being depressed. I feel like I am not being me or presenting as I feel I am. It is getting to the point that I think that I need to surrender and start transition, because I can't take it anyone. I so much appreciate being a guy and all of the privileges it brings. But it is also not me. I feel like I am trapped inside. I did buy two books on transition from amazon, one based on a recommendation from Karen (thank you, Karen!). I will let you know how good they are.True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism--For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals, The Transgender Guidebook: Keys to a Successful Transition. I hope that everyone is hanging in there and having a good week! I have a feeling that there will be some changes for me in the not so distant future. Thank you all for your support. Love, --Lisa

I'm bored out of my mind (on vacation from work because of spring vacation) so I've taken to Sims 4, exercise, writing and being lazy. But while I sit here, something has come to mind. Sexuality. Someone mentioned it to me and asked what my sexuality is, and I said I "think" I'm bisexual. Well for someone like me who hasnt been fully educated on what certain sexualities are, I cant help but wonder if I'm not fitting that catagory. I mean, men? Hell yes. Girls? Totally. But I really dont have any judgement against ANY gender, really. Now that I've been thrust deep into the world of Transitioning Transgenders, I've come to realize that there is much more than male and female. And the more I realize that, the less I seem to care about what they are. Everyone's fair game and gorgeous to me, really. So that brought up the subject of Pansexuality. I'm not fully aware of what that is, but it seems maybe the best bet? From what I understand, pansexuals are open to male, female, transgenders, crossdressers, etc. I think, from what I was told anyway. Which sort of fits for me, since I really dont care what you identify as. I'm not after your gender. I'm after your personality. Just a random thought I felt like sharing while I half die on this darn exercise stepper thingie that is literally destroying my calves >.< There was a big Hooha about me coming out as Bisexual on facebook, and with all the hype about me being transgender, I think I'll wait a while before mentioning the possibility of pansexuality. Basically its just Bisexuals with wider horizons LOL Forever Curious and Learning, Warren

Dear Karen, As a cisgender woman, I had a 'B' Cup (34 B from ages 11 to 21. Weighed 125 lbs. and was 5'8." My measurements was 34-24-34. Wish I had those numbers today! LOL!! Yours truly, Monica

Welcome Art :)

Welcome Art! I think it's so cool you're here and introduced yourself. I'm confident you'll find the community here to be warm and accepting. I hope to hear lots more about you and your life. Names can be hard to choose. In a recent TG support group I attended I mentioned that I was having trouble remembering all the new names. Not to worry they said, name changing is rampant among transgender folks! I wrote an early blog post about why I chose Emma. I'll have to read it again myself. Indeed there are times when I hear a different name and think it might be more fun or better. We don't usually select our birth names and Emma is growing on me and my friends here. I think Warren had a great suggestion: go on babynames.com and see what fits. Or, consider people or characters you admire or like. I'm sure that we will love whatever you choose. Emma

Every twelve months I am required to check in to my doctor for blood work in regards to me continuing on estradiol and spironolactone (anti-androgen). She indicated that there is no need to continue taking spironolactone since this is for blocking testosterone which I don’t have anymore. Had a discussion on dilation, she transitioned 20 years ago so once a day for her. She sits in a warm bath tub and uses baby shampoo for liberation, think I will need to try this for the middle dilation of the day. Also talked about breast implants which I told her I have an appointment with a surgeon in several days. She asked, do you spray when urinating? I did for about three weeks and now everything comes out as it should. On a side note I am very happy about this as it felt strange peeing and having pee on my legs. Now here is something I found interesting, she believes that transitioning is one of the most difficult paths a human take embark on. As we know many want to but do not because of monetary issues or physiological issues. Then there are some who manage to have GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery) but in one way or another end up a failure which in some cases leads to death. I am fortunate to have many people help me along the way and it help that I had the mindset and the motivation to take the right path on my journey of life. Thinking of "difficult path", I think nobody can deny that at one time or another we entertain our worst nightmares. I will be the first to admit to this were I would go to bed with horrible thoughts that I would never become the female on the outside that needed to happen. I can not even imagine some peoples nightmares were getting to the point they need to be will never happen, not the right support, lacking in funds and no real support from family, friends and co-workers. Then on the other side of the coin we have physical transformation which provides a huge step in "the" journey but also have many downsides. Downsides (my fav) like dilation, w/o hormones your body does not naturally produce them. How about finding a partner to love, that can be a path filled with happiness or depression, a true roller-caster. Neither path is peaches and crème but for me I am truly happy (except for dilation) and welcome what lies ahead and prey that those travelling this path never, ever give up finding their true selves. In closing this in many ways has been an (in a good way)emotional day, this is what hormones do and I welcome them (except when my mascara runs).

Pansexual P.S. If people on farcebook are gonna go all broke-brain at the possibility that a person might be bisexual... the heck with them. Why do they even need to know that you are, or might be, pansexual. Or for that matter... any sexuality. If none of them are attracted to you, and you are attracted to none of them, and there's no chance of any intimate relationships... it's none of their business.

I'm so excited I can barely think! Oh my good lawd of doritoz, I've done it! My name has LEGALLY and FULLY been changed to Warren Renexius Ornan G__!!! Kristy Susan is a thing of the past, I have been approved for my name change, and my new photo I.D. is in the mail!! The judge was unbelievably awesome about it! I expected 150 Questions and tried to think of the best answers, but as soon as I walked into her office, she simply smiled. "Now that I see that you're serious about your transgender lifestyle, I have no problem in signing this right here and right now, no questions asked" she said. Signed it, gave me the best of luck, and it was done! I couldnt believe it! I walked out of that building the happiest I've felt in years, knowing that I can honestly tell people my name is Warren instead of saying "legally its actually kristy, but...." I feel so liberated! So accomplished and excited! On top of that, my savings for my surgery (i need 8k) is now up to about 1,500$ It's not there, but it's growing! I'm so excited, I'm not even sure what to blog, but I just wanted to let you guys know OFFICIALLY YOURS, WARREN

Karen, It sounds like you work at a great place. I am happy for you!! --Lisa

This post has nothing to do with transgender so you can tune out if you wish; It's about my almost-27 year old son. Since he was five or six he's been very independent, stubborn, and willful, making lots of challenges for me and his mother (we're divorced). He's also bright, attractive, and has a wonderful personality... when he's not depressed and sour. A couple of days ago he told me that his mother is going to stop paying the rent on his cheap apartment. He wasn't asking me to pick it up, as he knew I would not. Essentially what happened is that for at least the past year or two she's been paying the rent each month, saying "Okay, I'll do it again this time, but this is really the last time. You must get a job, you know you can. Just do it and hold on to it." Instead he played video games, watched TV, surfed the Web, smoked marijuana, hung out, or stayed in bed, depressed. So now, finally, he's really going to be cut loose. To sink or swim. He and I don't yell or fight. We enjoy each other's company, I pay for a burger and a beer, and we talk. He easily acknowledges his part in all this. And now he feels that despite the fact that he has a couple of weeks to get a job he's planning to be homeless. He told me that he thinks this will finally teach him the value of money, his things, and so forth. Oh sure, we talked about all the downsides of being homeless. He did it once before about ten years ago for a couple of weeks. But after a lot of talk and his (to me) rather strange confidence in this plan, I told him it's his decision. I told him how much I worry about him, getting robbed/beat-up/murdered, sick, thrown in jail, etc. Also, I worry about me: that I just know that within a month or two he will call and say that he just has to have $50. Or that he's in jail and needs bail. And I will have to say no. My mother (yes, the one who committed suicide) is the one who taught me, "Sometimes the most loving thing to say is No" and I think she was quite right. I told my son this, too, and he agreed that I should tell him no. And he also said that he's pretty sure that in fact he will still probably call to ask for the cash. And he knows I'll say no. Jeez, it's taken so long for us to get to this juncture. I started saying no to him and his mom after the 3rd or 4th attempt at college: "This time really, I'm committed, I'll do it!" A couple of years ago I offered him this: if he pays for his classes and books, I will reimburse him as follows: for an A he would receive 100%; a B gets 75%, and a C is worth 50%. Anything less is zero. He's tried to do that a couple of times; I paid 100% for a pottery class once. I don't care what classes he takes. Just learn something. He also assured me yesterday that no matter what he has no plans or thoughts about suicide. He will figure something out. I sure hope so. Tough love. It is tough to love. By the way, this has all been reviewed with a variety of therapists and counselors over the years. I'm sure I could have done a better job back when he was a child. My wife says no, but I am sure of it. But I really did do the best I could. Emma

Dear Monica, You're always so wise, and clear in your thinking. Yes, I will be strong. It will be a bit easier since he and I had the chance to talk yesterday and I established the NO in no uncertain terms. Thank you, Emma

Hi Karen, Horrible thoughts, yes I had those, still get them at times but not about completion, more about oh my "God what am I doing" or "oh my God what have I done, I'll be an outcast / freak for the rest of my life, this is not reversible....." Strangely enough they occur whilst lying awake in bed. But I never give in to those thoughts, I have not appeared as male for over 3 months now, and I really do enjoy being "full-time" trans female. Thanks for the warnings about dilation, I have of course heard them from my friends over here, and I still can't wait to rid myself of my 'junk'. Please keep your blogs coming. Kind Regards, Eve

I think another reason we are "under-reported" is that we're just not taken seriously. And that situation existed even before we come out. No matter how great the U.S. claims to be, or is believed to be, no matter how it preaches equality for all, females still are not as important.* Too many trans boys are considered nothing but tomboys. Think about it... if a boy says he wants to be a girl, everyone (including women) will bend over backwards and jump thru their skin and several hoops and loops to convince him he doesn't want to be a girl. They will do all they can to convince him of that. If a girl says she wants to be a boy, she's either told she's just being silly, or she's ignored, or she's patronized, or she's told all little girls want to be boys until they [reach a certain age], or boys are nasty. It's just not taken seriously. AND... when have you ever seen a trans boy/man post about his parents having tried to "beat the boy out" of him? Seems it's only trans girls that experience beatings at the hands of unapproving, unaccepting, homo-/transphobic parents. Quite often, females are raised learning that anything they have to say is insignificant, of little importance. Their voice carries no weight. Some, after a while, learn to just say nothing. *I read an article several years ago that indicated, even is the U.S., there are many more couples who decide not to have more children if their first born is male, as compared to couples who's first born is female. In more cases than not, if the first born is female, an attempt will be made to produce a son.

I love to cross dress, I'm not really sure how it makes me feel or at least I can't describe the feeling but I feel like I should have been a woman but at the same time I would miss my digit or whatever you'd like to call it. As I was growing up all of this was unheard of, at least by me. Back in my day I would have got the crap beat out of me if people knew how I really felt. I have decided to cut loose and let my feelings show at least to the people on this site, because I feel safe here. It is hard going from one point to another one that is totally different from the way other people percieve me. I was masculan jock all of the time I was growing up, but I alwas elt like someting was missing, but times have chaged and I feel like Im not as alone as I thought I was, It's probably too late and I'm probably too old but I have made up my mind to try growing some feminie breasts. I don't have a clue as to long it takes but I would apreciate some feedback on that. I am not really sure what I can say on this site but I have also decided that I like the sexual aspects too. I would like to hear some feedback if you have the time.