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Every now and then, people have to stop and breathe and realize that things they were planning and hoping for...need to wait. It's a depressing and saddening experience, but it's one that we all must have at least once every few miles. Sort of like getting the oil changed in your car, you have to take the time to stop and refresh your fuels and reset your priorities. For me, its the surgery. I know I NEED it to help ease my mind, and make me more comfortable in my own flesh, but I know it's not happening any time soon. As much as I wanted to spend my summer shirtless and enjoying the sun and the cool breeze on my shoulders, I know it's not going to happen. I dont have the funds for it, and I probably wont this year at all. The gofundme account I have up, though I'm blessed that a few have donated so far, I have a feeling wont get me too far. I'm not looking forward to the dreadful heat of wearing a compression shirt, binder AND sports bra under my t-shirt or work shirt this summer....but I'll have to deal with it. It wont go away, and I refuse to wear a bra. Hell even with a bra, I was dying of heat. I cannot imagine the torment that this summer will bring me, as we've been promised an insanely hot summer this year. Swimming is no longer in my pool of options, as I refuse to wear a girl's swimsuit, and there are no swimmers binders for my bust size that will stay on properly. I try not to get upset about it, but I know the truth and it sucks. The good news is my boss has finally decided to grow some nads and started to call me Warren, as he should have done a long time ago. Also I were asked to help host a "Transgender Visability Day" at my place of work, and have talked to the bakery chef about making a Transgender themed cake. I'll take a picture and show it to you guys when it happens, I believe on tuesday. I just felt like ranting and stuff, since it's one of my days off and I'm sitting here like a slug. If anyone feels like taking a peek at my gofundme thingie, its on my profile as my status. Have a ball. Lots of love and snuggles and all that cheesy stuff, Warren

I feel so sorry for you, and I don't know what I could say that might bring a crumb of comfort to you, but I have found that life is so full of strange coincidences, do we each have a guardian angel watching over us? I have often thought so.................... Truly hope you get over your period of grief soon. Eve

This is going to sound strange and perhaps obscured too many yet I have to question the validity of the real world and what is beyond or parallel to the known world. Although I infrequently visited my sister while alive when we did there was this connection between us, same when we talked on the phone coast to coast. When I had not seen her because we lived on different coast I did not think about her but when I visited her and her husband in 2004 not seeing her for ten years it was fantastic yet I let things slip again until she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2013. I only called her twice after that and was told by my mother after she passed that she was upset with me for not calling her more. Of course I felt emotional and wished I had called her more. Yesterday it really hit me that she was gone and I, Karen was born. I was essentially conceived in 2013 as this was when I affirmed my decision to become Karen and leave Kevin behind. Is it a coincident that Karen was conceived when my sister passed? Yesterday when my mind conjured this up I could not stop thinking of the things that transpired then. For me I have experienced and witness things in my past that make me pause and contemplate "what if" there is something else besides this physical life which comes from a person who without witnessing things in my past that defy laws that govern our physical known world could exists? I wrestled with this all day yesterday and has seeped into today and think it will haunt me as there is no way I can come to terms with a reasoning behind this special and unexplainable connection between my sister and me. Did my sister have to pass for Karen to emerge or is it something my mind conjured up to make sense of the loss of my sister. I think a therapist could rationalize these thoughts with a plausible response but I think that my mind will still go back to my current reasoning’s which as mentioned before defies all known logic. Guess I will have to accept that this cannot be answered and live life in her honor. Right now I am flooded with emotions.

I slipped out of my grief last night after engrossing myself in several activities and talking to my daughter's best friend. I am sure it will happen again and that is okay for too feel nothing would bother me even more.

My Dear Friends, I had a nightmare childhood, and I am grateful I have found reconciliation with both my parents before they died. Sadly, although things have improved with my brothers (I have no sisters), we have a long ways to go. Eve, as for Guardian Angels, I believe they are REAL, and that the average person has not only one, but THREE! They never sleep and ALWAYS are alert, even when we sleep!! Your friend, Monica

This might sound ridiculous, it sounds ridiculous to me now. Last summer ((heatwave in northern Europe), yes even in rainy old Britain!), before I made the decision to present full time as female, I had to wear a gynecomastia vest to hide my boobs! Bizarre a M to F trans binding his/her boobs......yes it was ridiculously hot, sweaty, and even worse when I wear a wig. So I know your discomfort, I also know, now that I am full time femme, that I can't go swimming because my wig will likely float off! Yes, Summer sucks as you have said............. Cheers, Eve

Last weekend I visited my mom for four days in Ohio. I have been trying to visit her at least once a month or every other month since my father passed away. It had been over two months since my last visit, so it was somewhat overdue. During my last visit, I told her that I thought that I would need to transition. This last visit I told her that I am planning on taking hormones soon and hair removal. She was a little surprised, accepting but trying to understand why I was doing this. One of her first questions was, "are you sure that you really want to do this?" and "have you thought this through?". I told her that I've been thinking about it for my entire life. The other question she asked was "why now?". I told her that I've been coping with this since I was 4 years old, but a lot of the techniques that I use to cope are not working any more or not working well. She also asked me if it was possible that this has something to do with my dad dying, and I told her that it was possible, though I didn't start having a crisis until about 6 months after he passed away. Anyways, it was a good visit. She and my sister both support me. That helps so much! I still need to discuss this with my wife though. I really have not had a chance to talk since I returned home. I hope that I will get a chance today or tomorrow. I think that I am going to schedule my appointment this Monday for the endocrinologist and to start the laser removal. My therapist will send a letter to recommend me for hormones. I am fair skinned, have mostly black hair, so I should do okay. I'll have to get electrolysis to remove the remaining white hairs. I am hopeful that insurance will pay for the endo appointment and the blood tests. I hope that everyone has had a good week. Love, Lisa

Bon Voyage! It's both difficult at times, and so rewarding and amazing at other times. Hope all goes well for you, Cheers, Eve

Tampons are optional. After dilation I was leaking lubrication for the first month and was told not to clean inside the vagina too much so a friend suggested trying using Tampons and sure enough no leakage, instead the lube was absorbed by the Tampons. Currently I am pass this so just a light weight pad is used. First I was using several a day now down to two a day and after next month when I go from three times a day to two times a day dilation I might be down to one pad a day, will see. I do use a fresh one prior to going to bed just to be safe. It is amazing how much is absorbed by Always pads and still stay dry next to the skin.

Warren, it's always good to hear from you. I respect your taking it a day at a time to get to your surgery. It's hard to wait and deal with all the heat and discomfort I'm sure. Each day and a few dollars here and there gets you a little closer. Big hugs to you, Emma

Something's that you may not consider when having gender reassignment surgery is the after cost. Personally I can afford (others may not) the various types of feminine pads, ultra-light thin Always, Always dailies and let’s not forget Tampax. Other items such as douche (limited usage but good to have and have only used it two times since surgery) and vaginal moisturizer. Then let’s not forget about lubrication for dilation. Right after surgery I was going through two four oz. of KY then tampered down to one container then went back up again as I would use the mid-size dilator to prime for the larger one. Now I am down to less than one 4 oz. tub per day. Four ounces of KY averages around five dollars but have also seen it for much more. Get the generic as I do and pay less than half the price of the genuine product. For pads you will need a lot in the beginning but as time goes by rather than six a day it gets down to one or two a day. Tampax are good for eight hours and with that said would not use them when going to bed at night if you sleep eight hours or more. A cisgender female may chime in with their thoughts on some of the usage yet a cisgender female will be different than a person transitioning from male to female. The cost of pads is not that bad but I suggest looking for deals. I found a deal on Always, get 108 pads for the price of 50 pads so I purchased two of them as I know full well they will be used. Do not bother with maxi-pads, at least for me I purchased a box for after surgery along with a mid-size pad, never touched the maxi-pads, instead gave them away to one of the hotel employees who would stop in and visit me at night when things slowed down. Another thing, get panties that have a wide gusset as this is more comfortable than a narrow gusset. My friend got me some thongs and just this week tried them out. They do make pads for thongs so you can go with them after a month or so after surgery but not before. Anyways thought this topic needed to be written about so others taking this journey realize there is a good deal of cost after surgery that you may not have considered.

Thanks Karen for the very frank information, yes it makes sense to me now. Eve

Thanks. So far I hadnt found any that didnt look rediculous, or they didnt fit my bust size

Don't know if they exist, but I wonder if there are men's one piece swimsuits. If I find it, I will let you know.

Thanks Veronica

Karen, I read this after what TJDavies wrote in the shout box yesterday, 28th about his Dad bringing him some grub. I understand about missing someone who is beyond the veil between they're days and ours. I miss my brother "Rocky" and I never met him. My Mom who is with him now used to tell me he was my guardian Angel. I can only say this. That your Sister was lucky to have someone who cared about her so much. I think that the Karen I have come to know, was luckyto have a Sister, period. I am glad I have and had them. I also think your Sister wouls agree with me, tha having Karen in her life, made it a better life. That they still speak to us and influence us from beyond the veil is perfectly natural for me to accept. One the thing about having family members descend from native American culture, they know the way home. Also, that when dealing with grief, I have found that it may leave me alone from time to time, but it never actually leaves. I wouldn't want it any other way. Shedding a tear over someone I love is never a tear wasted. HUGE HUgs! Veronica Beta.

In case you’re not familiar with it, “Transfigurations” is a wonderful book of photography and associated narratives of trans men and women by Jana Marcus. I recently posted about it here: I have stepped through the on-line slideshow and video a couple of times. Profound seems like an overused word but it was definitely that for me. What I found in these pages are wonderful examples of real people simply needing to be what they are. Like me. You see, this has all been very hard for me to accept and acknowledge, that I am transgender. I’ve blogged about this before and received your encouragement, thank you. But still, I wondered: what’s it mean? When I’m dressed I feel right in the world and I have a reluctance to remove the feminine clothing. But when I do, hey, it’s okay. I get along fine in my masculine clothes, too. I love the book and will soon be ordering my own copy. I also was transfixed by the video of the book’s release. Here again, the transmen who are interviewed are so grounded, so themselves; no one can deny their validity and humanity. These are guys I’d like to know. I’ll bet we would become good friends. A few days ago I emailed the link to the book and video to my therapist. His response: Thanks, Emma. Beautiful and inspiring. And did you know that Quan Yin has been sitting next to you the entire time you have been in my office? I think he’s right. Quan Yin is right next to me, always. I’m not in her shadow nor is she in mine. I don’t know what she is to me at the moment. Guardian angel? Alter ego? It doesn’t matter; it’s just very comforting to know that she’s here with me. Like Cecilia, I want to live up to the ideals of Quan Yin. Emma Photo credit: This is from Jana Marcus with her full permission. Thank you, Jana! In case you can't read the tag line at the bottom of the photo, the book may be ordered at a special on-line price here: http://www.7angelspress.com

Had a great day at work yesterday, which finished off with a 45 min long chat with a female colleague who used to do the admin for our H&S Training Courses. This is really the first social chat I've had with a cis female who isn't a close friend, since transition. Well it was extremely frank and surprisingly different to any conversation that I've had with a male either before or after my transition. I think that the thing I felt most surprised about was the fact that talking felt so good deep inside of me, I don't know (becauase I'm not Catholic), but I imagine it was like a confessional. No wonder why women seem to like talking so much, it's taken two and half years of oestrogen for me to realise it mind you! It sort of confirms my thoughts that I'm thinking differently to how I used to think as a male or before I started presenting full time en femme. Of course I have realised that I'm generally happier now, but I had thought that it was because I no longer have to guard a secret any more. The changes that hormones have brought about me, other than the obvious physical changes, have amazed me, and I really hope that they will continue to do so. Hmmm, mind you, I'm not sure that I could classify myself as a woman yet anyway, but I think at least I have the right to wear "L" plates! Having been a man in my past life, I can see why the sexes get so frustrated with other, there is no way that I could have imagined what it's like to be a woman when I was a man. Yes it is a mans world, for all the equality acts and similar around the world, but I don't think that men meant it to be so, they just can't understand how or what is needed to make it more equal. I'd love to know if the reverse is similar for Trans men, perhaps someone can let me know? Anyway I'm off on a pub crawl in Birminghams South Side, with my wife and some LGBT Friends this afternoon, we've been looking forward to it for the past two weeks.............I don't think I'll be in a very fit state to write anything for a day or so afterwards........ As we say in the UK, Cheers, Eve