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It has been three months since surgery and my life is at a place I believe is my new/current norm. I have accepted that “it’s a man’s world” and that I have been accepted into the sisterhood. Things I can laugh or smile about in regards to the last three months. Only went to tuck my penis once (eek, where did it go, oh I remember now ~grin~), have embraced men opening the door for me. Other females treating me as if I have always been a female. My daughter called me this afternoon, I was very busy at work and said I would call back. When I called back she said my voice sounded different but not much. I then realized I was doing a B flat rather than a C# as I had a momentary lapse in voice control which I see needs attention. I had to ask, “did I sound female when you called?”, she said yes but it was a tad different then in the past. That made me smile as I was in at least partial control. I have said it many times, one must be vigilant with their female voice. So this is the second time, first time was reverse, my mother called and I went into my female voice and she had no clue who she was talking too. Something to cheer about, dilation is second nature in that the dilator goes in with one-third the lube it took one month ago and can penetrate fully in ten seconds where it use to be one minute to fully insert and another four minutes to be comfortable with the dilation tool inside of me. Dilation sessions are there times a day still for 15 minutes but there are times I go for thirty minutes. In two weeks I am down to twice a day. Since going full time I have not worn perfume but now enjoy it every day which is not from, “I am ready and fearless” but instead it stems from the changes to my mind and body from the longevity of HRT. What I find interesting and at the same time not interesting is my calm about breast implants in a couple of weeks. What I mean is, GRS to me was like going to the grocery store, no big deal and feel the same way about breast implants but who is being the fool here, I do think about this summer and finally able to wear a plunging neckline top and of course a bathing suit. One last thought, the memory of my surgery is quickly leaving my brain with no real memories unless I happen to look at one of the pictures taken in the hospital, was that me, oh my.

Karen. You have shared a pretty remarkable evolution with us. I'm a smarter, wait, LESS STUPIDER person than when I first came here on many different levels. I owe part of that to you for your candor and kindness. Can't wait to see that dress. Bet it will be something! Cheers, Veronica.

It's wonderful your wife is up front and loving. I know tears don't come easy but if you travel the HRT path, now the flood gates open. Heck I get tears from what seems very insignificant two years ago several times a week.

I’ve felt like crying many times in the last few decades but have never been able to really let it go. Yesterday was different. Fair warning: I don’t mean for this to be a “pity party” at all and I hope it doesn't come off that way. <big sigh> As my wife and I walked to our neighborhood coffee shop yesterday morning I mentioned something that had been bothering me since the previous evening. Our therapist has encouraged me to communicate this stuff so I was following orders. Now, my wife has also been going through some of her own emotionally trying times. She stopped walking, we faced each other and she said, “I’m going to say something that may sound very hurtful right now. I really wish you’d stop thinking of yourself all the time.” Indeed, she was right, I was hurt pretty deeply. Telling someone that they’re overly sensitive, only care about themselves, and all that, is about the meanest thing you can say to someone. Sure, it “puts them in their place” but more than anything it’s like slamming a door in their face. Afterward, the recipient can only wonder “Am I now again being so self-centered?” And since they face the risk of hearing those words again, they shut down, which only builds resentments and yes, sensitivity to minor slights. I thought about all that as we had our coffees. I wasn’t sure what to do. I wasn’t going to bring it up more at the café. And I didn’t want to talk about it on the way home, either. When we entered our house I said that I had something to say and we sat on the couch facing each other. I told her that I have heard that line so many times in my life and I don’t think it’s accurate to say I am so self-centered. It’s such a hurtful thing to say especially to someone like me who is so careful to “learn all the rules” that people around me want to live by. I try to be “good” by internalizing and following them. And now the message I’ve received from her is that I should just shut down. At that point I was so sad. I told her that I wished I was dead. I meant it. I don’t mean to be dramatic here but it’s true. Shouldering my trans feelings and shame since I was so young, trying to fit in, and always so careful to not be discovered for not really belonging with the boys, girls, men, or women. It sucks. She gave me a big hug, told me how much she loves me, and told me how upset and angry she’d be if I did myself in. I think I told her that it was unlikely I'd follow through but I do often think that life is like a life term in prison, just waiting for the end. She then suggested we go lie down on the bed. When we got in there I told her how sorry I am that I’m “this way.” That I am definitely not trying to manipulate her into something she doesn’t want. About then I mumbled that I just don’t want to be rejected. And I started to cry. Sobbing, with those jerking shoulders, tears, and all. I think I carried on for four or five minutes. She kept assuring me that it was okay, that I should let it out. When I was done I didn’t really feel like it was all let out. In fact, she asked me how I felt and I said it felt uncontrollable, like throwing up. You know, running to the bathroom and then convulsing uncontrollably. She agreed that that's what it's like for her, too. So, that’s it. After waiting more than a half century, I finally got some real tears shed. I think it was helpful but I can tell there are more in there. It’s good to know that I have the capacity to do it. I suppose it’s also good for my wife to know how deeply I feel. I’m very lucky and grateful to be married to her. Emma

Friends, Was deeply moved when, while surfing the 'net, I came across a blog from a young Gaymale who wanted to no longer be a Gaymale. We ALL want to, on occasion, to "quit ourselves." NO ONE IS EXEMPT. It is OK to "shut it down," for a limited period of time, "give it a rest," to let our minds clear, to reassess WHAT KIND OF PERSON we want to be. Would have liked to beg him NOT to run away from himself, as that invites guilt and shame into one's life. Even though this blog addressed a Gaymale, his story resonated with me, as I left the Lesbian community, after I broke up with my beloved (a ten year relationship) as I was confused as to where I belonged in the Lesbian community. Think many in the transgender community will resonate with Luis' story, too. Left the Lesbian community for ten years. Even though that was a much longer time that I would recommend to others, I feel (because I hopefully matured in ten years' time) more confident in the woman that I am, and I am not as easily swayed by what others think of me. Looking back, I would have sought out another crowd, perhaps by starting with a one to two week vacation out of town. In the past, after every breakup, amicable or not, I automatically had six months of weekly counseling and gave dating a rest for two years. This breakup was different as I could not find a good counselor that I could afford. Had I been able to do it over, I would have continued to search for a good counselor, and been more assertive in offering office and parking lot cleaning (as I had in the past) in trade for counseling. To my dear Gaymale friend, please seek counseling and give dating a rest. IT DOES GET BETTER! http://www.thoughtca...want-to-be-gay/ http://www.thoughtca...be-gay-anymore/ Your sister in friendship, Monica

Monica, I have been told this about perfume how they smell different from person to person and what you wrote just solidifies this and thanks for sharing :)

Dear Friends, Forgive me, I don't believe "constructive criticism," should bring a person to tears. Have a brother that I have had to back away from, who told me, "for my own good," that I was selfish, lazy, and thoughtless. Was moved to tears, too. Then, when I got home, I asked myself, "does this apply to me?" When I thought things through, I felt he was incorrect. Also, I realized he would do this to the person, whether it was his wife, his brother in law, or me, who he felt was the most vulnerable. He did this, because, by putting the other person down, he can pull himself up. Feel she should have made "I" statements, instead of "you" statements. For example, she could say, "I feel left behind when you are exploring becoming a woman," or, "I feel like I am losing the man I fell in love with." The reality is, that a woman is drawn to the emotional characteristics of the "man" who is really a woman. This does not mean that she is a Lesbian. So many women who married men who later turned out to be a MTF transgender person, would say, "he was so different than all the other men I dated. He was so much gentler, kinder and considerate than any other man I dated." In my situation, because I am a cisgender Lesbian, say, my Lesbian partner approached me and said, "I think I am a man and I want to explore it." Would support her, and, together, would explore transgender issues together. To be sure, I would tell her, that I could make no promises as to our relationship, as it is a FUNDAMENTAL change in the relationship, and it would be impossible for her and I to PREDICT where we would be when the dust settles. Would hope I would have the maturity to at least be friends . . . It is scary . . . as we all want "forever" . . . Your friend, Monica

Veronica, Thanks for the compliment. You know the way I look at it is everyone here are my inspiration else I would not be sharing. There are many here whom I admire just for the record :)

Hi Karen, I think our comments crossed in the mail. I was writing to Veronica while you were posting to me. Yeah, I've assumed that HRT would do just that. And I'll tell you, the benefits of HRT sound amazing. For now I'm hoping I can find a happy place without hormones. I'm afraid that would be a deal-breaker for my wife. We will see! We have about a year before she may fully retire so I hope to be maintaining a steady keel by then. Emma

Hi Monica, You're correct on all counts. In fact, she has told me how much better and different I was and am from all others before me. I agree with you too that she could have phrased her feedback much better. We are all human and this is part of what we try to address in our therapist meetings. We are so fortunate to be able to have him as a resource. In fact our next couples meeting is tomorrow and evening so it's all great timing! I do hope she decides that being a lesbian, at least from time to time, would be interesting for us. That's a dream I have. We will see. All I can do for now is try to be real, patient, and supportive to her too. Then, maybe, we can meet in the middle. I think we are getting there one small step at a time. Hugs, Emma

Karen, Women create THEIR OWN perfume. Also, a perfume will smell different on every women who wears it. Men also have their own unique smell. Not only can I smell the difference between a man or a woman, (or a boy and girl, for that matter), but can identify a person by their smell. This may be the reason that you don't feel the same compulsion to wear perfume when you were pre-op and pre-HRT, because you are now creating your own perfume. My mother, may God rest her soul, had a wonderful perfume. Smelled it on her jewelry and clothes, too. Your friend, Monica

Hi Veronica, I'm so happy I was the first one to reach out to you. Honestly, I don't remember it. But I do remember Monica's reaching out to me when I joined. I guess we will never forget our "first friend at TG Guide." It took guts to do this? I guess, but it's funny, when people say I am courageous I don't feel that way at all. Maybe I think I should look like Bruce Jenner when he won the Decathlon! But I don't. All I can is how important you and TG Guide have been for me. I am deeply grateful. Hugs, Emma