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Lie Monster Being that most things in my life have gone wrong, I have hated my life for a long time now and I have even more reason to hate it. I live my life in a lie. It is no lie that I love my wife and no lie that I really care. She can never see it nor can I ever show it. It has always been difficult to connect with anyone. I can connect with kids and dogs, but not people. I showed love before, why can’t I do it now”? I feel so distraught in my relationships. Not even I understand, but I think that I’m starting to. I frequently feel depressed, my Dr. claims that I have the worst case of depression that she has even seen, but I don’t see it. I also seem to be oppressed as if something or someone is holding me back. It is imperative to be friendly to have friends, but friends also need to be fed to remain being a friend. Sometimes I can be friendly and on occasion I do make friends but just don’t maintain the relationship. On several occasions I have been told that I have an addictive personality. Sometimes, when I reflect on that statement I realize that it might actually be true. and that I get too wrapped up in myself. I can spend hours on things that I like, frequently think about other people, but rarely follow through with what I’m thinking.. Maybe I am being selfish, but addictive? Not to everything though. My dad is an alcoholic and because of that and out of fear of becoming one too, as a kid, I swore never to pick up that first drink. Many kids say one thing then when they grow up do another, then tell our kids to do as I say not as I do as our elders told us :-) No matter how drunk or how often that I was I never did get addicted to booze. It has been several years since I was drunk. I might accept a drink if offered or I might not. However, with the first cigarette I was addicted for twenty years I wasted money on that worthless… And now it’s the internet and I’ll admit that I postpone things that should be done before I settle in for the night. I don’t practice my religion as much, (my bible is online :-} ). In addition, ( just like I used to believe that TG was a sin) I didn't like poetry, but now here I am just recently discovering that I am a MtF poet and have been neglecting my poetry. As I sit writing this and reflecting on what I have told so far I’m beginning to see that maybe that I am more addictive than I once believed.. I feel so helpless to find myself here day in and day out living in this lie too. It is just too hard. I can’t leave my wife in the state that she is in. I can never bring myself to hurt her, leave her with so much more responsibility. She can barely handle what she does now and her condition is getting worse. I can’t leave her knowing that she can’t hold up financially alone. I can’t leave until I know that she knows how much that I really love her and know that she is taken care of. As much as my body craves and aches to transition. This really hurts, To make her live her life as a lie or to devastate her world with my truth. I am a monster.

Hey guys! Its been a while since i posted, ive been pretty busy but always thinking. And now i think its time to tell my family? Cant be certain though. I assume that a lot of people here have come out to their friends and family. I've spent the last few days composing a very overworded coming out letter that i will post on a private blog and send them all a link. Is this enough? Is it good enough? I can't take holding it back anymore! [edit] So i have a girlfriend, how do i tell her? Just come out with it? If i plan it i know i'll just waffle about stuff thats not relevant, help :(

I tried that, once, with my wife. I wrote a rather long letter that I thought "covered all the bases" and upon reading it she'd understand my situation, have compassion, and be fully accepting. Not. It was a disaster. Too much information, too quickly, without warning. Don't forget, you've been living with this gender uncertainty and later, knowledge, your whole life. Cisgender people might consider their gender at times but not nearly as seriously. Honestly, I don't think most of them get it. My suggestion is to tell one or two, separately, verbally, and in private. Face-to-face is best so you can each see each other's body language and modulate the discussion accordingly. The good news is that you've done your research and know what you want to say - in your letter. So you're prepared. But don't expect instant acceptance and "good for you" all around. Your friends and family love you and want what's best for you. They may think that trying to steer you away from being transgender is the right thing to do. So, be patient, gentle, and stay calm. Hugs, Emma

My latest Florida Adventure - Just last week I was at a swim meet in FL and when I entered the pool area, with pack on my back and bag in hand one of the regular members of the pool said to me "Mam the women's changing area is around the corner." during the period of the swim meet I was referred to as mam several times and at one restaurant the door was opened for me as the owner said "welcome in Ladies" for me and my wife. Also when I was at the meet I was actually able to notice how much bigger my chest appeared compared to some of the women there. Definitely could see how I was getting mixed up. (And enjoying it) Below are photos showing my hair - as long as I have worn it since I was in my teens. Also. one of my jogging shots (Not wearing a single men's clothing item; but a very feminine running outfit). Dawn

Now I'm clam and zen, because NIkki is dealing with some really hard deep inside personal issues iwth his therapist, and he needs me to be okay right now. So I have since righted myself and gone back to practical one thing at a time mode. It helps that I see the exit from Hell Job now that they have hired and are training my supervisor's replacement. So she won't be there to guilt me into staying longer. Relatives have that power sometimes, especially since you still want someone to come to Christmas dinner. Summer starting is helping me relax and just do what needs done so that I'm calm and together for Nikki. I would take it all away from him and live with it myself if i had to so he didn't have to deal with anything but the fun stuff, but I can't.

I thought I was doing better, then I came home from work today, and there it was, on the table, Nikki had picked it up. The box. My cat is in a box. And I'm just losing it all over again. Because the reality that my cat is IN that box. And that there will be more boxes as time goes by. I think I tried to bottle it up too hard to be there for Nikki, to be calm and comforting, and the reality of it came crashing down with that box. It's a nice box. With a plaque with her name on it and the day she died. And a little round plaque with her paw prints on it. That they made after she was gone, but still. It was her last little gift to us, that impression of her little paws. That box is going to bother me for a long time, but time will fix it eventually. Now if you'll all excuse me, I'm going to go and hug my cat whose still with me and try not to think about future boxes as hard as I can. And I ate some fudge. It helped. Didn't fix all the feels, but it did help a little bit. Hugs to all of your, hope the world is being kind to you all.

Thank you Michael. It's been rough, and now I'm all freaky panicky over her brother, who was the Cat of my Life. He picked me as a kitten, and has always stuck with only me, and I can't imagine him leaving me. Unless he's mad at me for some reason, then he climbs on Nikkii's lap and yowls in this huge production until he's sure I'm looking to see him purring in someone else's lap as my punishment.

Sorry to hear about your cat, Briannah. Ya know... sometimes I think losing a pet is worse than losing a family member or friend... unless that family member happens to be a child. 'Cause we all know (we pet lovers, that is)... our pets are sorta like our kids. Plus, it's tough when you lose something that is so completely non-judgemental, loves you with all your flaws and imperfections, greets you everyday like you've been gone for a week, and trusts you with their very lives. {{{{ Big hugs }}}} -Michael

The purple is fine to me, and while I can read either font ,this one is clearer. I think with the depression and not being able to see it, that is part of the disease. It's an insidious disease the robs people of their ability to view what is happening to them clearly, which is why it's so hard to fight, or even realize you have something to fight. I have been in it, and Nikki is doing battle with it now, so I've been up close with it both inside and outside, and the view is radically different. I'm learning so much about a lot of mistakes I made just seeing the difference between how Nikki is processing under it's influence vs. how he normally does. It's not easy, and I'll send you all the hugs I can. I"m not really qualified to help with how to balance living with your life and your transgenderism, I'm a partner and looking at that from the outside in, all I can do is wish you the best possible outcome for you and her both, whatever form that is.

oops!!! This is so crazy I don't know... when I deleted the comment of EmmaSweet I was trying to clear this page and start over. I'll just come out and say that I'm not even thinking of hurting myself and if I don't use the cursive font can I still use the purple? I want my blog as friendly as possible. ​ ​

Oh, believe me, we have had several. Her brother Creed has sorta stopped looking for her after two weeks, he's accepted that she's gone, but he doesn't know where. Murder Kitty(Logan, but his behavior has earned him the murder kitty nickname) seems sorta pissed off because occasionally Yuriko would let him groom her and have some social time, where as her Creed wants nothing to do with him at all. I'm sorta more zen about it today, but I just woke up. Must face work, hugs to all.

Hiya Briannah. One of Our 2 original Cat's, Our Tom Cat - Bobby, passed-away, at Our local Veterinary Hospital, on 2nd. May, 2012, aged just over 12 Year's. We do Not drive, and so I brought Him Home, in His Pet-Carrier, ( Which was covered over ), on a 4-Wheeled shopping trolley. ( It Is a 3/4 mile journey. ) I cried My heart out, the whole way Home. ( Even sending You this message, has started the Tear's again. I Am a typical emotional Girl ! ). Briannah, it must have been hard for Nikki, as well, having picked the box up, with Your little Pussy Cat Girl in there. Briannah, if You and Nikki want to have a good cry over it, then You shold do so, because Your little Girl, was part of Your Family, and You are grieving. Let Your emotion's out Sweetheart, because it will do Neither of You any good, bottling it up. Emma will agree with Me, ( I Am sure, ) there is No Shame, in showing Your Emotion's. Briannah, You and Nikki both Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes, to You Both. With Love and Hug's, Stephanie. xxxx

I'm sorry to hear more about your cat. Goodness knows, we love our cats too. And we have several boxes, too. I think of them and miss them. Not the one we have now, who only loves my wife! She's no fun, at least for me. But for you, I hope you'll feel better soon. I know you know this, but these feelings will pass and you'll have fond memories. All animals touch us. Most people do, too.

Seriously, some days I don't even know. Nikki has gotten a diagnoses, so that's good, however, he's been on a roller coaster of moods because next she wants to talk about the childhood abuse. So from moment to moment I have very little idea what is going on in his head right now and keep 'stepping in it' as it where. I wish I was better with the random, he needs support not clumsy right now. The dog comes in last night, and apparently found something that died horribly and instead of avoiding it like a normal mammal who possesses, you know, A NOSE, she in her infinite doggy wisdom decided to ROLL in it. So it turned into some sort of Benny Hill/Three Stooges chase scene comedy crossover with us trying to herd her into the shower and keep her from touching ANYTHING and spreading that hideous smell around the house. Nikki took one for the team and got in with her and scrubbed her down good while I gagged and struggled not to lose it. Very susceptible to smells I am. And it was horrid. So my Mom, instead of calling the doctor when something starts to go wrong like a normal person, AGAIN waits until it has reached a crisis point and is in the hospital for pneumonia. And I am too tired to care to be strait up honest. She bring it on herself, and there is nothing more I can really do. I sometimes honestly wonder if she has some sort of Munchhausen's weirdness going on. So of course other family members are crawling all over me because FAAAMMMILLLLY and she's my MMMOOOTHHHERRR like she actually ever did anything but read crappy romance novels until I pestered enough that she would finally make some food, and that was what passed for raising me. And spent my entire adult life bitching because I didn't let a failed marriage destroy my desire for happiness like she did and continued dating which she told me was 'stupid and I should have learned better from my divorce' and really resented me for doing well and having nice things with Nikki. *headdbang* But Nikki took me to the zoo and I FINALLY got to see the new sea turtle that I have been trying to visit for a year, the one he bought me a zoo pal support membership to help care for her costs and put my name on a board for Christmas, and she looked back at me, and we had a moment. It was magic. Nikki had a fairly good time even though we were only there for like and hour and a half, but he likes it when I get super excited and lose my mind over the animals at the zoo. AND THEY HAVE A TOUCH TANK NOW! And it has my favorite thing ever inside, rays! The most adorable little brown bat rays, omg so soft like stingrays and amazing little guys. Nikki made a Jurassic Park 2 joke about me always having to touch things, and well, yeah! LOL Got SUPER frustrated with Nikki when I just wanted a simple yes, please budget so we can to go the TransOhio symposium or no I'm not interested. I know depression makes even simple things complicated, but I just wanted a yes or not answer. Settled for him sending a bunch of questions about the event to the person who mentioned it to us to see if it's a thing he'd like to do. Then got my monthly and hit full on hormonal CRAZY levels, which rarely happens to me, but I'm under a lot of stress trying to get everything together by August. And I just had a quiet meltdown. Nikki is used to my meltdowns being dramatic nuclear bombs, and it took him a minute to realize something was off, and when he asked I just lost it and started hysterically freaking out about all the financial issues, health issues, and how overwhelming it is and how unqualified I feel to do anything about any of it and how lost I am in it all and he just took over for a while, and calmly solved the problems, and reminded me alot of the solutions were mine and I'm good at handling things I'm just feeling a little crazy right now. And crampy. And not sure if it isn't the cystic kidney disease that is cramping, they're in a weird place, I might be bursting another cyst, in which case I'll be lucky to be walking around tomorrow. Then we went and grocery shopped, got a lot of fruit and some veggies, less junk, and he put into motion some food change plans we created to save money AND eat healthier. And we replaced the patio set in the backyard like we decided last year. My best friend is going to take the old one and get it new cushions. I told her she can expect delivery next week, she invited us to play games and hang out since ti's been AGES. She told me yes, she envies the hell out of me even with all the issues I'm facing (the depression is SO scary) because at his core Nikki is always thinking about me and trying to work with me, and her husband isn't like that. And that spending time with us being affectionate and fun together makes her happy. And she promised to spend more time in my pool with me this summer, SCORE! I love company in my pool. So upside again, I have a lovely new set. We picked the table from one, and the chairs from another. We're kinda picky, and we hated the table that came with the swivel chairs and we hated the chairs that came with the round faux tile mosaic topped table we liked, so mix and match it is. And miraculously it all fit in the minivan we forgot to take the back seat out of. LOL Had a long talk with my best friend(not just about the furniture, I swear!), Nikki's coworker with his blessing, and told her everything that's been going on, and it was a great talk and she understands my fears and thinks I'm dealing well with all the crazy my mom is inflicting and we talked about her issues and just had that kind of talking about all the bad things but feeling better about it cuz your with your best friend kinda thing. Came home and made pizza with Nikki, who then went to bed starting his new getting more sleep regimen to support his recovery. She was immediatley worried if she'd offended him with anything she was working on for her transgender paper for one of her classes, shes' studying nursing. I told her nope, he was just scared she wouldn't like him anymore, and she said he's silly, she loves us. So right now i have zero idea what I'm feeling, sorta internally being pulled in many directions, but one constant remains, our asshole neighbors are watching my front thinking we're going to put the old set they keep trying to take because we 'don't use it enough' and they're finally going to get it free. I hope they stay up all night waiting to grab it. Mean Bree laughter. Seriuosly, they once came to my door announcing they were going to move it to their yard since we 'didn't use it enough'. I was VERY CLEAR that was so not happening. I think I need a slice of the fudge I bought at that zoo. Fudge is magic, it will fix everything. Don't tell me if it won't. And soon it will be time to put the pool up. SO excited! Pool is magic too.

I was good Emma, just had one little slice. Of the chocolate mint variety, becaue...chocolate and mint.

Fudge is indeed, magical. Go for it, girlfriend! In moderation, of course.

There are huge, sweeping changes we have to make to our day to day lives. Me exiting the working force changes our financial bad habits, and getting those under control is never easy. All the prep work I have to do to exit the job for the person after me. Supporting Nikki's depression recovery required a lot more changes. Meeting his desire to change his poor social habits still more. Figuring out how to fit girl time into all this crazy. Trying to overcome the dysmorphia and bad health habits. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with it all. It's not a fear or panic attach, it's just a sort of...quiet nothingness in my head as I stare at all the work and have no idea what to even pick up. I'm just sorta frozen and unmoving. And sometimes Nikki can be mean about things. I was trying to talk to him about some of the changes and he tried shaming me instead of dealing with the actual issue. Which didn't feel good at all. Especially since it was something I had asked for help (from him too and didn't get it) to overcome. He apologized right away, but that unpleasant feel lingers. And then there is the feeling of it's not really fair to ask too much while he's fighitng off such big things to get better. Some nights I"m just... a small turtle. Tomorrow I'll make sure to be a tortoise again, but tonight I'm just a tiny turtle whose not sure where to go or how to get there. And that's okay too. I don't think anyone else has all the answers either. So it's okay when I don't. I feel better talking about this. Thanks for listening, I"m going to bed now. *hugs all around*

Thank you Emma. I did just that and feel much better now. Still a little overwhelmed and weirded out by it, I mean it's all GOOD changes right? But I can handle this. Except maybe the broccoli. How ow are you feeling? Hugs

Dear Bree, You are a strong, wise, and beautiful woman, and your feelings are all understandable. Nikki is going through a rough patch too. It'd be easy to say he should be nicer to you but, believe me, my wife and I alternate on that too. It's okay to be a turtle, tortoise, or like me, a kitty. Just be yourself and you'll be fine. Like a woman friend suggests, when times get tough... take a nap. Hugs, Emma

So last week sucked, lost our Yuriko. The day of her vet appointment she was having seizure after seizure and we knew we were definitely taking her to the Final Visit, no hail mary last minute outs for my little kitty girl. The offspring met us at the vet's to say goodbye and be with her as she went. Horribly painful thing to do, but watching her the way she was was worse. Nikki has been incredibly down and not much I do can help until time does it's work here. Talked with Nikki about my stresses about going back to housewife, and he calmed my freakout that he secretly hated me and the lifestyle changes we have to make to support it. A lot of them will actually be supportive of getting healthier in general, so he's perfectly happy with it and having access to me at all times he's not at work. I believe he's lookiing forward to having full weekends with me again instead of just one day a week where he has to get up early the next day so sleeps part of it away. I'm getting excited as the appointment for the antidepressants gets closer. I have no firm expectations, but there is a hope that my happy bouncy Nikki will come back a little bit. Depression can be contagious, and I'm working hard to keep my own self internally healthy so that we don't have two big Depression issues going on at the same time. Things between us are almost back to where they used to be. I have adjusted to the changes in our life, and the only thing standing in the way now is his depression. Oh, the corset is on the chair. I think I'm about to be squeezed into his corset, he wants to see what it dose for my hernia if it's better support for the hernia than the girdles. Obviously if it is good and works, I will pretty much only be doing that when he's going to be home to both get me in and get me out. I am aware that people DO manage to get into and out of these things alone, however, I also know I am inherently clumsy with hand-brain issues and I can't even tie a simple bow behind my back for my jumper dress, let alone pull and tie a corset on. Relief, no, my turn in that thing is soon but not today, as I already expressed some abdominal irritation to him. It's going on him. Isn't that silly that I'm scared of corsets? I think I still have a Victorian crazy image in my subconscious that I'll be laced in so tight I can't breath, and I know rationally Nikki would never do that, but rooting out subconscious stuff isn't a simple thing. I might have agreed to let him order me a decorative one for intimate use like an idiot, but he tries to make all my wishes happen, so I can wear one for that without fainting for him. I'm not entirely convinced the second surgery, when I decide it's a good time to have, is going to completely fix my issue so supportive garments are probably going to be a lifelong choice. Excuse me, I have to go assure my dog the mailman STILL is not here to murder us all and she can stop barking now please. Wouldn't I be surprised if he ever did?

Its a great idea Emma but I can't. After the surgery I had to wear a binder brace to support the healing. After about a week I started getting twinges in my back. At the second week I had crippling pain muscle cramps on the sciatic nerve where all I could do was cry until Nikki hauled me to the er. Apparently the brace was weakening my back and the muscles started cramping on my sciatic nerve. Spelling on sciatic questionable. Between the muscle relaxers and painkillers I literally slept for three weeks. Nikki actually had to force me awake to eat, drink, and bathroom It was a completely unexpected side effect from a fairly simple hernia surgery However, you did just completely clarify the deeper fear than the fainting one lurking in my head that I wasn't looking at by reminding me of this story. Thank you so much for helping me figure out my tangled up feelings. That was the worst pain in my life and I really do fear triggering it again deep down. However realizing that I know to stop at the twinges stage if a problem develops!

Bree and Nicki, I echo Veronica and Stephanie's support and love. Amazing how those little furry things get under our skins, isn't it? We lost a dear kitty last year. I used to love the way she'd jump on my bed, walk up my chest, and gently bump her head on my chin. Really made me feel special, I'll tell you that! I also hope you find some relief from wearing the corset. Maybe in the context of your needing spinal and core support calling it a "corset" is a misnomer. That word brings up connotations (Victorians, fetish play, etc.) that are so unrelated. Think of it as a big Ace Bandage and give it a try. Sure might help you, I hope. Hugs, Emma

Hiya Briannah..I Am so Sorry to hear of Your Very Sad Loss. We had one of Our Cat's - Bobby, He passed away at The Veterinary Hospital, almost 3 Year's ago. I had to bring Him home to bury Him. That was the saddest journey, that I have ever made, in My whole life. ( I Cried My Eyes Out, ( Like a Girl, ) the Whole Way Home. Briannah, and Nikki, My HeartfulHeartful Sincere Deepest Condolences; And My Heartfelt Sincere Deepest Sympathies. Your Poor Little Kitty, is No Longer Suffering; and/or No Longer in Pain. She Is Now In Peace, And At Rest. Briannah, if You don't want to wear a corset, if You have got a spare one, You could always Give it to Me. L.O.L. ( I Am Teasng, By The Way ! ) . I thought that You could Do with a Laugh, Bless Your Heart's. Briannah, and Nikki, Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes, Love Stephanie. xxxx

May latest trip to Florida resulted in several occasions of me being mistaken for a girl - on three occasions I heard either a sales clerk or a waitress call me mam. They almost always caught the mistake but the confusion was evident. The most interesting occurrence and scary was while I was in a tourist store looking at sun visors. I was wearing fairly short denim shorts, legs and arms were shaved and tan, and had my hair in a pony tail; other than that I was in fairly normal for me boy mode. I noticed a handsome guy who was looking at me and was kind of following me around the store. As I was trying to decide what visor was the best one, a pink, purple, white or blue one, he came over really close into my space and put his hand on my shoulder and started to assist me. I also noticed he appeared to have a ....-on. First I thought he worked for the store. He told me his choice for me would be the pink one. As the conservation went along he asked me for some money. No pretext - I could tell he had been drinking. At this point I became quite nervous and was worried me might try to rob me. Summoning some courage, I told him I knew he had been drinking, and that I would not give him any money. He then asked me if I could drive him home; he said I seemed like I would be a "really good girlfriend." I knew then that he was hitting on me hoping to take me home with him. He then proceeded to show me some large circular designer earrings that he thought would look good on me. I was flattered but I had become really nervous at this time and was concerned that I might need help to get away. He was fairly muscular and tall and I knew I was smaller and puny next to him so I was glad I was in a large store so I could get away from him. Still after I had put some distance between him and me I did feel a rush. Wow, he really thought I was a woman. Dawn I am attaching my latest photo - Running as a girl in Florida