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Nikki is going through some serious painful topics in therapy, nothing I can do. Not a thing. He has to sort all of it out, and it will be good for him, but I'm not stupid, he's hurting and nothing I can say or do can take that away until he works through it all. I'm here, ready with the comfort and the hugs and the reinforcement, but that only goes so far. I suspicion everyone here knows that. The sheer helplessness sucks. I WANT to be able to help him, to make it all better, and make all the ugly past go away. The only thing I can do is step back, and let him guide me in what he wants and needs from me right now. Being the partner sucks. It was easier when I was the one dealing with my disorders/history, I didn't have to stand by helplessly. I guess he felt like this when I was struggling. Love isn't always joy. Sometimes it's just suffering together through life and all it's mess. Feeling frustrated and helpless is such an unpleasant combination. ANd he keeps APOLOGIZING to me about it. He has nothing to apologize, he's doing what he needs to do to heal so that we can have our happily ever after. He didn't choose any of this, and I'm not a fair weather wife who can't handle feeling frustrated and helpless for a while. The fact that I feel that way is because I love my Nikki. I'm going to go kill things in a video game now.

Hi everyone, So last weekend was the memorial service for my uncle who passed away in January - everyone was so spread out they delayed it to find a convenient time for as many people as possible. His passing was of course sad, but he was older and hadn't been in good health (mentally or physically) for quite some time. The point of this entry is the fact that this is the first time I've seen many family members since I transitioned. About 10-12 people knew (the most direct of my relatives - my brother and sister and first cousins), but most of the rest didn't, so on top of being a sad occasion I had to basically "come out" at it - it was an interesting balance, obviously it's a funeral so it's not about me, but it's not like my transition is a subtle thing that nobody will notice if I don't mention it! And going as a guy was out of the question (one of my friends asked me after if I thought I would have been more or less comfortable if I had presented as a male for this - I told him I don't really know because I can't even imagine doing that - he liked that answer). Anyway, the first issue was that the first group of people I saw were more distant relatives who didn't know about my transitioning, and it occurred to me that i hadn't thought about how to "introduce" myself. I introduced myself with my current name, but several times added "formerly _____" so that they would know who I am. I didn't have any negative incidents - there may have been a couple of people who avoided interacting with me, but those who did were all perfectly friendly. One of my cousins (who knew already) commented towards the end about how much happier I seem (and that's at a funeral!) So after a lot of stress leading up to it, it ended up being a good experience. xoxo Chrissy

Hello Christie Sound like you had a good coming out and excited that the majority had a good reception and understanding that you are happier as the true you. So no faking some person that makes you unhappy anymore. Only allowing you to dress up as an alter ego on Halloween. Enjoy the freedom of being yourself Michele

So... Insurance said no. For the fifth time. My favorite beach is closed. My birthday plans have been cancelled. And I literally cant think of many reasons why I should even bother to keep trying. Please dont message or comment with 'keep your chin up' or 'keep trying' because that literally only ticks me off. Ren.

So yeah there's been some interesting things going on. Once i really accepted my true self i decided that i would try to start acting, in small doses, as my true gender. I started by joking around at work telling everyone to call me Tina which was quite funny. Im quite loud usually and very energetic so everyone just laughed it off. Thats not the big happeningbs though. I've always been pretty sensitive, very intuitive with my femine side which is one thing that attracted my girlfriend. Lately as i said i've been acting a bit more feminine, i'm not sure if my girlfriends picked up on this but my favourite of her comments was, 'i wouldnt be surprised if one day when you're 50 you told me you wanted to be a woman' to which she added 'and i would accept that and stay withyou'. This is of course in 26 years and i dont see myself waiting that long. I suppose that would have been a good time to tell her but we've got a big presentation next week for uni so dont want to distract from that. I wonder if she would be as accepting of me if i told her now. I guess thats my biggest worry, acceptance. Most of my friends and family i think will be cool. So yeah just keeping up to date with everyone p.s. I got some excellent flowery bedsheets :D

Chrissy, Good on you, girl. Good on you. Emma

How many times have I apologized to my wife? Countless. She shares your feelings I'm sure. She tries to be here for me. Most nights we watch a Seinfeld episode before I go to bed. Never fails to get a laugh out of me. You're terrific, Bree, Nikki is so lucky to be married to you. Emma

I would think that if your g/f felt the need to tell you that she would accept you, and remain with you, perhaps any time that you are ready to tell her would be okay. But that is just a supposition, and none of us really knows how any person will react when we come out to them. I told no one until I was 47. One of the people I told was my brother. Chances are, I could have told him MANY years before, as his response to me was, "you never felt like a sister to me." Turns out that while he had no name for it, or understanding of it when we were young, he was aware that I was different from "other girls." We were always very close, and after coming out to him, he said it always seemed that I was more like a brother would be. -Michael

I would like to dress as a female, but can not because I live in a all male shelter. But I do wear female panties under my male underwear all the time every day.

Hiya Chrissy. Good on You Young Lady. Chrissy, You Can be Very Proud of Yourself, especially on such a Sad Occasion. To dress as a Male, would be completely Alien, to You or Me. I Am Very Proud that We are Friend's here on TGGuide, and You have done So Very Well with Your Transitioning. You Really are a Very Beautiful, Pretty, Young Lady. Chrissy, Speak Soon, Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes, Love Stephanie. xxxx

Hey Warren, It does suck, I'm sorry too. I do truly know how much it doesn't feel worth it anymore. You have your boyfriend? Have him give you a hug. But if it comes to it, please call a hotline. You're cool, we love you, and accept you always. No matter what you do or what you say. Emma

I agree with Mike's sentiment, that she may very well accept you now. She might not, and I truly know how scary and devastating contemplating that can be. Please don't take this badly, but 24? Goodness! I wish I had come as far as you at... 40! Or 50! Live your life, my friend.

Yeah, I know how you feel. I pretty much do the same thing.

Hi Girls / Ladies I didn't end up in the ER, I was admitted for basically a week. If I had to decide, I'd have said do the operation as the infection would've been removed and my body wouldn't need to fight an infection with high doses of medication that only makes me sick to the stomach (still using it) and allows me to eat less then 50% of what I can normally consume. Ja, I'm still swollen and unable to stand or walk for long periods of times. The infection to not being an infection should have a reading of less the 5 in my blood stream, and last week the reading was 210.7 and on the day I was discharged it dropped to 180.2 over 5 days. So, as a smart enough kid, I hate that some smarter kids don't listen to me when I need to say something. Then again, I've also figured out that the specialist is a good doctor but also transphobic so will look at the OR as a super very last resort as I said why I use medication. Next time I stay quiet, wait then I won't be me and I will be willfully is leading a doctor to give a treatment I know would be one of his first choices if I didn't disclose being transgender. But then I'm denying myself the freedom of being me. Cheers for now Michele

That sucks, I'm sorry :-(

Hey guys! Its been a while since i posted, ive been pretty busy but always thinking. And now i think its time to tell my family? Cant be certain though. I assume that a lot of people here have come out to their friends and family. I've spent the last few days composing a very overworded coming out letter that i will post on a private blog and send them all a link. Is this enough? Is it good enough? I can't take holding it back anymore! [edit] So i have a girlfriend, how do i tell her? Just come out with it? If i plan it i know i'll just waffle about stuff thats not relevant, help :(

I hope it goes smoothly and wish you joy and understanding in this.

I tried that, once, with my wife. I wrote a rather long letter that I thought "covered all the bases" and upon reading it she'd understand my situation, have compassion, and be fully accepting. Not. It was a disaster. Too much information, too quickly, without warning. Don't forget, you've been living with this gender uncertainty and later, knowledge, your whole life. Cisgender people might consider their gender at times but not nearly as seriously. Honestly, I don't think most of them get it. My suggestion is to tell one or two, separately, verbally, and in private. Face-to-face is best so you can each see each other's body language and modulate the discussion accordingly. The good news is that you've done your research and know what you want to say - in your letter. So you're prepared. But don't expect instant acceptance and "good for you" all around. Your friends and family love you and want what's best for you. They may think that trying to steer you away from being transgender is the right thing to do. So, be patient, gentle, and stay calm. Hugs, Emma

Now I'm clam and zen, because NIkki is dealing with some really hard deep inside personal issues iwth his therapist, and he needs me to be okay right now. So I have since righted myself and gone back to practical one thing at a time mode. It helps that I see the exit from Hell Job now that they have hired and are training my supervisor's replacement. So she won't be there to guilt me into staying longer. Relatives have that power sometimes, especially since you still want someone to come to Christmas dinner. Summer starting is helping me relax and just do what needs done so that I'm calm and together for Nikki. I would take it all away from him and live with it myself if i had to so he didn't have to deal with anything but the fun stuff, but I can't.

Joined this site a few days ago after many years of fantasizing wondering what it would be like to explore what i was really feeling inside. Did some deep soul searching and realized that to feel complete, i have to explore and sort through my emotions. I have been supressing and fighting my true feelings. I am on a fact finding mission. This is the first i am expressing any of these feelings. It feels good talking about this.

Ok people, so this isn't technically - or at least not fully - about being trans, but something I need an outlet for. It might be a bit meandering. I've been going through a difficult stretch, including a series of "endings" that have left me feeling - well, I don't quite know, but I know a thought that has crossed my mind several times is "when will I find peace?" The endings - (1) I'm applying to grad school and on Friday got a rejection from one of them - the one that was by far my first choice; (2) the drag queen who often lets me guest perform is no longer doing her show at the bar I go to; (3) my 2 best friends are about to move to California; (4) one of my favorite uncles passed away in January; (5) ... I know there are a few more, but I'm blanking right now. This is all on top of having a job that has gotten progressively worse over the past few months, and there is absolutely no sign of it turning around anytime soon (or ever). So how do I find peace? I used that line in therapy today and she asked me what that would look like to me, peace. My initial answer was that I would have a job that I didn't hate going to every day and didn't cause endless annoyance and stress. As I thought about it on my way back to work I know that that was too specific an answer, but a good lead-in to maybe figure it out. Because it's not about getting things to be happening the way I want them to, it's about getting me to think about things differently. I think the serenity prayer is always a good baseline - give me the courage to change the things I can, the strength to accept the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference. I think this is related - but keep in mind I did say I might meander :-) Every Wednesday I go to a supervision group for the volunteer organization I belong to, and last week (at our last session) I made a comment about how this group, for those 2 hours a week, allow me to feel completely comfortable with my complete identity. It's not that they accept me being trans, it just is. And I thought afterwords that if I can feel that way in the group, i should be able to feel that way anywhere :-) Just knowing that I'm capable of feeling that way makes it possible. To relate that back to the broader theme - I'm capable of accepting difficult things, so I should be able to accept any difficult thing. Ok, that's just a starting point perhaps. One final point on the grad school thing. Being rejected by my first choice school actually hurt me a lot more than I expected. I think that although I harbor some doubts about being able to do it, I assumed the choice would be mine (I'd be accepted and then decide if I want to go). But this really was crushing - I got home from work the day I got the rejection and literally cried for about an hour (and even thinking about it right now almost makes me start again). It became really clear that "coming out" as transgender finally made it possible for me to realize where my passion lies, and to have that set-back on the path to fulfilling it was very painful. It doesn't end things, I have a couple of other applications out still, but those options would be more difficult - but probably worth pursuing. So thank you to anyone who got this far - and if you didn't, well you're not seeing this now so there's no reason for me to say anything to you - but I understand :-) xoxo Chrissy

For what it's worth, I think showing a 'whole person' in these journals is as important as just discussing trans issues. It's really easy to get confused as a reader and think "If you/your spouse has this, is that ALL there is? Does it take over the entire life?" So it's lovely to see the whole person kinda post. I'm sorry you are in the same place Nikki and I are workwise, a bad job just drains out the energy and joy from a person. What works for us is enjoying home life with a vengeance at the end of the day! Is it as ideal as finding different jobs? No, but it helps. Even little things like our scented wax warmer making a good smell while we relax doing something we enjoy goes a long way to restoring the inner selves. I'm so sorry about your loss, cycles of life can be really painful. BIg hugs. I wish you the best of luck in pursuing your career, and we can't control the doors that close, all we can do is walk through the other ones that open with open minds and try to get the most out of what lies beyond!

Hiya Chrissy. Firstly Sweetheart, My Sincerest Deepest Condolences; and My Sincere Deepest Sympathies; on the Loss of Your Uncle. My Thought's Are with You. Secondly, II did Read Your Whole Post, As Always. Thirdly, I wish that I lived near You, because You obviously could have used a shoulder to cry on. Chrissy, I have always been an emotional Girl, ever since I first realised, at the age of 3, that I Am Female; Trapped; in A Male Body. Chrissy, there is no shame, whatsoever, in letting Your emotion's out. It Is far better than bottling thing's up, and making Yourself ILL. Chrissy, You can be so Proud of being the Lovely; Pretty; Beautiful; Young Lady; that You are. Thing's WILL work out for You, so Please Do Not give up Hope. I know what You mean, about Hating Your Employment. You WILL find something better - Soon ! Chrissy, Good Luck; Good Health; Take Care; And My Love, And My Very Best Wishes, Stephanie. xxxx

Thank you Veronica :-) It's always enough just to have this space to get things out, but definitely an added benefit to get a kind response. My uncle was older, and hadn't been doing well, and honestly I hadn't seen him in quite awhile. We were closer when I was younger, but then drifted. As for my friends, we had also been drifting, so I'll most likely let that go - distance rarely works for me in that kind of situation. I don't like to travel to start with, and I have no interest in going to LA - with apologies to anyone on here who lives in LA :-) There are also some beginnings - like my volunteer work with Identity House, and one particular friendship that's emerging from that. So peace will happen :-)

Thank you everyone for your patience, understanding, and wisdom. I was able to over come my anxiety today and bought a bra. It feels amazing just wearing it for a short time. Not enjoying shaving areas that have never seen a rozor. I suppose some things take time to get used to. Text with friend gave me some more tips on how to proceed.

Sat 4-2-16 i had a great conversation with a friend last night. She gave me something's to start working on that i didn't even think of. Working on my voice, think of some names, even shopping for a bra. She said she would go with me, WOW that shocked me. Have several things i am determined to get done this week. Feeling energized, got myself a manicure. Thank you everyone for being here.

​Mastering your emotions is a skill, you learn it. Of course your not sure right now, you're just starting on the journey to opening the boxes and dealing with them. Just like every other life skill, you're not going to be a supreme master at it on day one because you want to! It's a process, and will take work and effort both alone and with a good therapist, but you CAN learn it. Part of what is getting in your way is the self doubt. Put that away. It's not helping you. This is a skill, not an innate talent. If you don't have it today that is perfectly fine, you can develop it with time. A little at a time. Just like a skill at a job, it takes time and practice. You'll be fine! Trust me.

My therapist suggested a book that I really liked, and I have read many of these kinds of books. Most of them didn't do much for me, except for those by Brene Brown. Anyway, this one provides a very interesting and logical framework for how I learned patterns for dealing with emotions, and provides some ideas on how to address them. It might help you too: "Living Like You Mean It: Use the Wisdom and Power of Your Emotions to Get the Life You Really Want".

Thank you Bree, i have run from, hidden from, and drowned my feelings and emotions all my life. My therapist has been working on getting me to recognize them and to deal with them. I am not sure i will ever be able to just feel something for what it is. Good or bad. Feel like turning my back on this and showing a happy face to people. My head and heart are in turmoil, i so want to explore this side of me. Pity pot time: maybe i am destined to live in a shell. Never noing what true happiness is. Slap me in the back of the head for that comment.

No no, feelings are what it's all about. It's why life is worth living. Some are harder than others to be sure, but they ALL serve a purpose. Fear is there to make us be cautious in life, to pay attention to what is going on around us and keep us mindful of protecting ourselves. It's not pleasant to feel, but it's so important. Don't look down on fear, use it as the tool it is and master it to help you in your life journey. The so called negative emotions are strong and not fun to have, so people want to not feel them and there is a tendency to ignore their purposes in our life. I find the best way to being a stronger person is to embrace it all, and use them to help me know what is going on around me that is causing the feeling and what I should be doing about it. I master them, not the other way around.

Friday 4-1-16 continue to gather information, reading blogs and articles, looking for local resources. Making plans to go into city to visit resource center. Im scared, anxiety rising, also excited. Feelings suck.

Bree is very wise, kind, and has good advice. Keep talking, don't withdraw into a shell. It can feel cozy for a short while but it's not very helpful in sorting things out.

Not silently. Talking is good. find your truth, whatever it is, and then choose your path to it.

Yes monk is fine. Thank you. I have been advised to move slowly and silently.

Welcome! I can certainly relate to the feelings you're expressing. Wow, so many years... For me, finally coming to terms and acceptance of myself reminds me of the relief I felt as a child when I was unburdened by, finally, admitting the truth. I don't mean to frighten you but please allow yourself time and patience. The mind does many things to protect us and some of those things take a while to adapt. One piece of good news is that TGG is a warm and friendly place. BTW: should we call you Monk? Hugs, Emma

When I was just ocassionally cross-dressing I tended toward a more "fun" wardrobe (mini skirts, short shorts ,etc), but as I started presenting female more often (full time now since August) i've added some more business-like attire, but haven't abandoned mini skirts and short shorts (just not to work obviously)