Leaderboard

The title of the blog entry... it's not what you think. When I arrived home from work Friday there was a small package waiting for me. Upon opening it, I found thirty smaller packages inside. Well, sachets. My first month's hormone prescription, in thirty neat little packets. As today is Sunday, I've used it twice. And now I have a banging headache and I'm wondering whether it's the T, because that was one of the listed side-effects. It's noted among the many side-effects that could assail me. Of course, the headache could be a complete coincidence. I'll just have to wait and see. It feels good to be finally, officially, changing, even though I'm not stupid enough to think any changes have actually taken place after just two doses. But you know what I mean... If anyone knows what I mean, it's likely to be someone reading this. I'm looking forward to seeing a little redistribution of body fat, and I'm looking forward to noting any changes to my voice. Some of my friends assume that what I'm most looking forward to is growing a beard. But that's not top of the list. I'm assured, by people who have been there & done that, that I'll change my mind. But I am looking forward to shaving properly - or, as someone else suggested I'd soon get fed up of shaving, maybe I'm looking forward to getting fed up of shaving. I shave already - have done for a while - but there's not a lot to remove so I only do it a couple of times per week. So I'm looking forward to having to do it on a daily basis, but that's probably way off in the future. In the meantime, I'll just make a note of anything else that I see happening, to my body or my disposition, over the next few months. And I'll check in regularly on here. To anyone who reads this, have a great week.

Hiya all I think by letting my animosity go into writing, the realization that I was hampered in a way becomes acceptable. Because if I didn't have to overcome any of this, I might not have had the urge as a child to understand the differences in genders and so doing might have been a total jerk or bigot when it came to gender or equality. I also believe because of this I sculpted the way my father looked at gender and sexuality, because I know he would've looked at it differently if it didn't happen to his baby. So changing an older generation into accepting what is as old as time but was never talked about is an achievement in itself. Knowing that I do have support and I do acknowledge all in the struggles of gender and sexuality not because I'm part of the struggle but have a greater understanding of it in the same time. I appreciate that I was allowed to broaden my knowledge as I pleased by my father, and that he took the stand to say till here and no further for my mother. So yes, a dictator was in my family and that role was filled by the member you would think of as masculine or the father figure, and turned out to be the mother, supposedly nurturer, supposedly supporter of offspring. Total reversal of roles, but I got my emotional and physical support even if it wasn't from your atypical gender form, and I am grateful he was in my life for 19 years of my life. I'm glad I got to work with his tender side, to have the nurturing love of a strong man that in the end even taught his granddaughter that the love she experienced, and she was worthy to know the meaning not just the word love. Love all Hugs and kisses Michele

Ireland lost. It's raining - again. It's the middle of summer here... "Summer" is a relative term. It means it isn't freezing cold but it doesn't mean we necessarily see the sun. I haven't seen any blue sky for around a week. But I received a reply from the online doc who told me that they "don't have any reservations about proceeding". It seems I might have passed their assessment process - or at least, I passed that part and I'm moving on to the next part of the process, whatever that is. So I didn't blow it completely, with my questionnaire responses and with the content of the conversation I had with the 'assessment counsellor'. I think that means I might be allowed to think that the doc is going to write me a prescription at some point. In my dreams, I've always been male. I don't often remember my dreams - not unless I'm woken up in the middle of one - but when I do remember them, my image of myself is how it should be. I remember telling a friend about that when I was a kid and they laughed at me and thought it was weird that someone with a girl's body saw themselves as a boy when they were asleep. Apparently, that wasn't 'normal'. Most people didn't dream like that, it seemed. When I got laughed at, I decided to keep that little nugget of information to myself for many years. This morning, I was woken from a dream when our dog barked. At the point in the dream where I left it, I was looking in the mirror. And I had a very nice beard. Too eager? Most definitely.

well im still waiting to get back on my meds. My doctor thought me a curveball and now i getting my left hip replacement on July 12th and as soon as it heals i'll be getting the right hip done. so it looks like another 4 to 6 months on the side line dreaming of getting back to HRT . at least after all the pre opp appointments i went to i know im in good health and im ready to move on with my transition

After I reached a certain age, it occurred to me that I favoured my dad some. But it was shortly after my dad died that my mother apparently began to realize that things like my hands and feet resemble my dad's, and some of my mannerisms and body language are like his. I really never noticed that my hands looked like his until I had made a vid to send to my brother. In the vid, only the item I was talking about and my hands were in the scene. When I reviewed the vid before sending it to him, I noticed for the first time that my hands, and the way I use them, do indeed look exactly like my dad's hands. You would think that something like that would not be a surprise since we all see ourselves in mirrors and reflective surfaces all the time - I can't figure what makes the difference, but try it. Needless to say, it made me very happy to know that I was more like my dad than like my mother or any other female in the family. Congrats on the "T" -Michael

That's awesome that you'll be getting your prescription soon :-) Congrats!

Hiya Michele; Veronica; Chrissy; and Emma. Emma, what a Great Description. You are so right, about We can " Be rightfully proud of ourselves. " We All have a Massive Amount to be Proud Of. Have a Good Day, and a Great Weekend ahead. Take Care Michele; Veronica; Chrissy; and Emma. With My Very Best Wishes, Love Stephanie. xxxx

Hi Michele and Christie, I have a fair amount of animosity toward my mother too. I can't help but wonder where I got the shame I felt when, as a preschooler, I knew that wanting to play with the girls, do girl things like play ballerina, and so forth. I know this: she spanked me for many infractions so I can only assume she tried hard to spank those notions right out of my head. Obviously it didn't work. I'd ask her and my father but both are gone, and I have no siblings, so I can only wonder. But my shame was also reinforced by Ray Blanchard and his cohorts. As I grew up and came across anything to do with transsexualism, transvestism, I ​absorbed it (in secret). I was drawn to information. As I think about it now I don't know why I didn't go to the library. Might not have found anything but who knows. But I must move on, forward. It doesn't do me good to dwell or hold resentments. I've learned so much in the past several years, that we are all normal, lovable, and respectable the way we are. I sometimes mentally trip on that but overall I'm coming to accept myself. I hope everyone who reads this is too. BTW, a side effect of these feelings - that I believe many trans people share - is a tendency to overthink. We try to control ourselves, how people interact with us, and are often compelled to wonder "what might have been." Speaking for myself I think this arose from the shame of who I really was. Like living a lie that I had to constantly protect against others' awareness. As we share ourselves and are vulnerable, shame dwindles into nothingness. It's largely self-imposed, after all, and once its reason for existence is removed, we have the freedom and inner power to be ourselves, to be rightfully proud of ourselves. Hugs, Emma

Michele, Thank you so much for sharing that - I have to admit that I've never met someone who is intersex - or at least I don't know that I did, so it's an experience/identity that I know very little about. I hope that you'll share more of your experience here. Your experience with your mother definitely resonated with me - I've struggled for awhile over thinking that my parents in so many ways failed me as a child - not in the same way that you experienced, but in terms of a form of neglect, mostly emotional. For so long I was hung up between "my parents screwed up," and the defense that "maybe they did the best they could?" My therapist recently added something incredibly useful to help me move past that dialogue - "I needed more." I found that helped a lot, it helped me move past wondering if they were to blame, or if they were blameless - either way, I needed more. Anyway, again, I hope you'll continue to share your thoughts and experiences! xoxo Chrissy

Hiya Michele. One of My Own Friend's was born inter-sexed. She was brought up as a Male, but, in Adult-hood, has had Surgery, and Lives as She always wanted, and that is as a Female. She was lucky, she was able to choose Her Own Gender. My Friend Is Very Attractive. I meet up with My Friend, and Her Boyfriend, regularly. Michele, You are also Very Beautiful, and Very Pretty. Michele, You are You, and You Deserve to be Happy. Take Good Care of Yourself, And My Very Best Wishes, Love Stephanie. xxxx