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Background, I was fortunate to have a lot of support with my transition, friends and acquaintance where there for me. As many here know not everyone is lucky enough to have support before and after gender reassignment surgery and believe that if possible nobody should go through this alone. With that said, this week cumulates several months of assisting a male to female person to their surgery this Thursday. When I first started off with them they had a good deal of dysphoria and not happy about going through the past few months and surgery itself by themselves. They would stay home a lot which I felt was not good for their mental health and got her to get out and do things. Over the past few weeks purchased needed items for them needed for post-op life the week after returning home e.g. K-Y products and many misc. items that some people don't think about or might be told they will need (Marci Bowers was my surgeon and had pretty much everything laid out for what I would need in detail). So at 4:30 AM on Thursday I am driving her up from Salem Oregon to Portland Oregon for surgery which is estimated to be roughly four hours and be there for her afterwards along with stopping by on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. During preparations for her surgery I also had her prepare for aftercare once leaving the hospital which lead to her talking to the few friends she has to bring her meals and check up on her from time to time (I will be checking in on her often as I work ten minutes away). This will be my third time assisting someone and know that it makes a difference when I walk into their room to find them without anyone to be with them their eyes light up when I walk in the room.

I'm not sure how people see me either. I can only guess based on how they do or don't look (stare) at me. I think I've mentioned recently that it seems men don't even notice me for the most part. I dunno if it's because in passing they just see (or think me to be) another guy, or if they see me as a female that's "not much to look at." Women, on the other hand, do notice me. There is an age group that has no problem in just straight up staring at me in a disapproving manner - the look on their faces bordering on disgust. But every once in a while, there will be a woman cut me a glance that clearly indicates she likes what she sees. Most often though, that happens when I am in a vehicle... I did try to be like women. Make-up, jewelry, curls and smells. Until I just couldn't do it anymore. I was always nervous. And of course being nervous made me sweat more than I already did. After I started wearing men's clothes from shoes to shirts and everything in between outerwear to underwear, I realized that the female trappings are what caused me to always feel nervous - I was uncomfortable, self-conscious, unsure of myself, never felt like I measured up. I always felt like people could see my vulnerability. I'm sure that added to making me nervous. I hated going to salons, and so I too often cut my own hair. In salons, I felt naked. I felt like the women around me were able to visually completely strip me of the facade I presented, and then glare at me because they knew I wasn't supposed to be there, and I was invading one of their sacred places of womanhood. As for the binder and STP... I have to agree that those two items might cater to the psychological. I only know that I feel better in a binder and packing. When not packing, my jeans don't feel like they fit right. And then of course, that feeling of something missing is distressing. That feeling is reminiscent of when I tried to dress and act like women do, and because of that, I rarely go out without it even though I'm the only one knows that it's there. -Michael

I've been wrestling with myself about posting this today. I don't think I'm one to blow my own horn (much) but yesterday I accomplished something I've been working toward for the last few weeks. I rode my bicycle over 100 miles, from Redwood City to Cupertino, back and forth, and finally returning home almost 8 hours later. Total riding time was just over 7 hours and the difference is due to stop lights and a couple of times when I stopped to open up my little pouch to munch on a piece of Clif Bar. The last two Saturdays I've tried to reach 100, but each time just could not go farther than about 75 miles. It was like I hit a wall and if I went further I was afraid I might just pass out. I do carry four bottles of water (mixed with electrolytes) and a couple of Shot Blok packages, but I got nauseous and had to head home. Yesterday as I passed 75 miles I was definitely moving slower. I started arguing with myself: go ahead and head home, at least I'd be more than 90 miles this time! But it finally came to me, to achieve more than 90% and then give up for the last 10%? No way. And, truth be told, I don't want to do this every weekend. Too many hours. I have other things to do too, and now, next weekend, I can take a "short 50 mile" ride and feel okay about it! Why do I write about it here? I don't often consider myself as having much grit and determination. I am intimidated all the time by stuff that others just don't understand. Stupid things like trying to diagnose why my wife's computer is no longer receiving emails into her business account. Now, I know how to do this sort of thing. But I feel an anxiousness when I don't know how it will end up and can't control the outcome. So maybe that's where I'm coming from. I certainly didn't know how it would all play out when I told my wife I am transgender two years ago. At first she was devastated, assuming that our marriage was over, that the one she loved so much had betrayed her trust, and that I was destined to transition. God, that was scary and emotionally wrenching. It took a lot of work in and out of therapy, more confessions from me, and finally starting to take an SSRI that seems to be really working, for once. All my life I've had emotional issues, and have spent countless hours with a variety of therapists for the last 35 years. I kept expecting that he/she/me would discover the "one thing" that was going on for me, we'd address it, and... problem solved! It sure didn't turn out that way. Part of my problem was that I was unable to disclose my transgender feelings to them or myself. But even when I started to do so with my present therapist, three years ago, the improvement in my well-being has been so subtle and gradual, at times unnoticeable. But as I contemplate how things are going these days it's undeniable that I have made progress. I don't know what "done" is, nor do I expect it. I still have my anxieties. I did yesterday morning as I considered getting up and, once again, trying to make it to 100 miles. But I did it! You can too. Love and hugs, Emma

A lot has happened since I last posted. On Friday, I set my full-time date with HR ... 12/19/2016. No significance to the date. It's just a good time to ease into my new routine, because there will be a lot of down-time in the office.. I have decided on my name, but will not disclose my new full name here until I am near my FT date. Lisa will (continue to) be my first name. I've had it for over 25 years and am used to it. - I met with my VP who was really shocked, but supportive. There will be more follow-up with him and HR. I told him, that from a personal perspective the decision was not taken lightly and that to get to a decision was gut-wrenching. He said that he couldn't imagine anyone going through this unless it was absolutely necessary. - I met with my project lead and a couple of coworkers. My project lead was so happy and excited for me and just glad that I wasn't leaving because he relies on me. The two coworkers I told, I was a little worried about, but those meetings went well. I have been giving people that I disclose to the option of seeing pictures of me. I had some prints made at Walgreens to show people if they are ready for it. Once people see me as Lisa ... they totally get it. I am excited and am very ready for this. I just hope that with me finally being open and honest with others that it will encourage more people to come out. My hope is that I can increase awareness and visibility by my presence in the workplace. I did talk with HR and there are some people in the office who do not know someone who is transgender and I will be the first in the company. So it will be interesting, I'm sure. And speaking of visibility, I fully intend on looking fabulous. I am sure that some worlds will be "rocked". Hopefully, not too many heads will explode. But if they do, I will deal with it like I always have, with grace, love and kindness. <3

Been a year now never looking back, can not ever go back to that lie , Nicole is happy and applied for the jim collins grant .. almost 6 months no on hrt, living full time as me for a year now` , and moody as hell , started school with ith Voc Re hab so been busy with that and not here much , yet still kicking and a turning heads , wishing the hate for all and everyone would just stop , yet i do what i can for all, even got a homeless vet into a home recently , so ladies and gents, lot goning on wish you all the best , hope all is well and may your days be happy love and hugs ................ps don't bump into doors it hurts the chest some

Hi all As always non cryptic headings. This week was endo week and yes the vampires took blood from me twice. Results were good and I didn't fear any of it. Now last night, not as per usual. But with usual actions led me to self examination. Yes, I've been wiping myself since the beginning of times and felt an irregularity last night. Started feeling myself, not out of being horny or anything, but feeling something I'm not use too. Thought at the beginning that I imagined something and found a lump by my hoohaa. Yes, a lump and the mass isn't dense just a softish density of an almost roundish to oval shape. No fears right, none at all. So off to bed I went. Now, I'm growing kind of apprehensive because I know the negatives that goes with it and I also realize that I don't want to be sick in front of my mother that came for a funeral, because she wouldn't want to leave, and will end in making me more anxious. I also have to work irregular hours for the next week or so as it is national elections here. So I'll just be strong as I don't and can't afford to be sick now, I've got 100's of policemen and women relying on me, not including the public members that are bordering close to half a million people. And yes, I'm a firm believer of the protection being healthy and strong to perform their duties. I'll be in an office directing and redirecting everyone. I will look after myself as soon as I am capable of booking myself in for medical treatments, make that surgery to illuminate or strengthen all fears that I'm just human too... Cheers for now Lots of hugs Michele

I don't like the term 'passing' because it sounds to me like I'm trying to fool people. I'm not 'passing' as male because as far as I'm concerned, I am male. These aren't 'tips for passing' as such, because it's just how I am and what I do, and my way of doing things won't work for, or resonate with, every trans male out there. I think we each need to find our own way of feeling comfortable with what we are and how we present that to the world. There is no right or wrong, and what feels natural for me won't necessarily feel good for another trans man. But here are my thoughts anyway. My husband has told me, more than once, that I have always 'walked like a man' - whatever that means - so I thought I'd try to describe what that is for me. I have never attempted to walk in a consciously masculine or feminine fashion. I have to admit. I just walk. When I asked my husband to describe my walk to me, he said I take longer strides than the average cis woman, and I don't sway my hips. He also said I walk purposefully, as if I know where I'm going and want to get there. Since I ditched my last piece of 'female' clothing last year, he said he's noticed that I pull my shoulders back more and that sometimes I 'strut' when I walk. I'm not entirely sure what that means. I do think I'm more comfortable in myself, now that everyone knows who I am, and now that I don't have to dress in any female clothing anymore for appearances' sake, so maybe that extra comfort has made me a little more confident. I've never worn high heels. I've always been more comfortable in flat shoes and boots. Maybe that has influenced my walk. My hair is short. I cut it myself. I trim the back and sides with an electric hair trimmer and I cut the top with scissors. I admit that I haven't yet found the confidence to walk into a barbers' and ask them to cut it for me. But I hardly ever went to visit a 'female' hairdresser, even before I came out. I've always cut my own hair. I don't wear makeup and I didn't like to wear makeup even before I was out. Lipstick, on the odd occasions I wore it in the past (such as on my wedding day), never lasted more than ten minutes before I wiped it off - it always made my lips feel funny. I was never very good at putting on makeup when I had to and I always felt wrong in it, so it was something I avoided. ​I've always had a thing for aftershave rather than perfume (I think it smells nicer, generally) and I've bought 'male' deodorant for years because I preferred the scent. There's a thing I did discover, many years ago, about the difference between 'male' and 'female' deodorant. When I was supposed to be female, I shaved my armpits, as 'women' are encouraged to do in our society. If I had 'female' deodorant and used it after shaving, it stung horrendously - and women were supposed to buy special 'no sting' deodorant (which was more expensive) if they wanted to avoid that particular discomfort, not just use any old female deodorant. But here's the thing - 'male' deodorant doesn't sting after you've shaved your armpits. Whatever they put in 'female' deodorant that they don't put in 'male' deodorant is the culprit. But male deodorant smells nicer anyway so I've used that for years. And I stopped shaving my armpits a long time ago. My clothes are mostly casual. I have a couple of suits, dress shirts, ties and the like, but they don't come out often. Mostly I'm in jeans with button flies (I like button flies far more than zips) or chinos. I will wear a t-shirt over my binder and a long sleeved shirt over that. Sometimes I will button up the shirt but usually I like to leave it unbuttoned. I rarely tuck in my shirts. I find that if I tuck in a shirt, it's a little more obvious that my hips are larger than my waist. I haven't been taking the T long enough for it to have had a noticeable effect on the shape of my body (although it is happening, slowly - my waist is thicker and my thighs are thinner than before I started the hormone). When I do need to tuck in a shirt, I wear something over it, such as a jacket or waistcoat. My jeans and trousers sit on my hips, not my waist. Obviously, I wear a binder. Not only is it there to change my shape, it makes me feel more comfortable and confident. I've been wearing binders for years but only started wearing them seven days a week last year. It's probably more psychological than physical, but I feel more 'me' since I started wearing them full-time. I've bought binders from three different manufacturers but I prefer one of them over the others. It's easy to get them, too, because they're available online from a stockist in this country. I wear a packer, too, and they're available from the same stockist. That's also a psychological thing, I've found. I feel better when it's there. I feel bereft when it's not. When I bought my first packer, I soon realised that the one I'd bought was too big. I switched to a smaller size soon after and I tend to re-order the same 'make and model' when I need to. I have, in the past, spent a lot of money on STP devices - some very expensive ones have turned out to be a complete waste of money - but I didn't know that until I'd tried them. These days, I make my own. I know what works for me, now, but it did take a little experimentation. I don't think I'm 'fooling' anyone with how I look and behave and dress - but I do now feel more at ease with myself. Whether other people think I'm female, or male, or neither, doesn't matter to me as much as how it makes me feel to be presenting myself as me. And I'm not trying to be a 'typical male' - because there is no such thing.

Karen, THANK YOU for your generous gift of time, effort and money in reaching out to someone who needed it the most!

Hiya Michael. If other People cannot accept You for You, then Young Man, They are the One's who have got the Problem's. Being MtoF Myself, if other People cannot accept Me, that is Their Problem. I Am Fully; Full-Time; Female Living; and Dressing; as I have been Now, for over 15 Month's. Michael, as long as You are comfortable as Yourself Young Man, that is what matters ! Michael, Be Happy Young Man, Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes, Big Hugs, Love Stephanie. xxxxxxxx

Lisa, Congrats on taking this step :-) It's great that you seem to have a supportive work environment, I know from my own experience how valuable that is. Xoxo Chrissy

Emma, Congrats on the milestone! I'm trying to conceptualize 100 miles, but can't! I guess it's like going from here to the Jersey Shore, that's very impressive! Xoxo Chrissy

Dear Stephanie, I'm sorry to hear about your arthritis. It's such a debilitating disease. Yes, I have rested today, took a nap. But really, I'm fine. Thank you so much for your kind words both here and to everyone else on TGGuide. You always have such nice things to say and you're very appreciated. Thank you, Stephanie. Emma

Hiya " Sweet " Emma Sweet. Honey, Congratulations on Your Cycle of over 100 Miles. Because of Osteo-Arthritis, I Am no longer able to cycle, or walk for any type of distance. But, when A Friend, such as You Emma, achieves a Great Distance like over 100 Miles, It makes Me feel Very Proud of You. Emma, Well Done. Now, You need to rest a bit. Emma, Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes, Big Hugs, Love Stephanie. xxxxxxxx

Hi Michele, we are all rooting for you and wishing you well. I'll not advise that you take care of yourself but I am certainly thinking it. Let us know how it all turns out. Best wishes, Emma

Hey Jay, "And I'm not trying to be a 'typical male' - because there is no such thing." I seem to be in a quoting mood today (see my comment to Lisa a moment ago). But anyway, I think you're right on in all of your comments and how you present yourself: you are just yourself, simple as that. I think that's how we'd all like to be, just ourselves, take it or leave it. That takes a bravery that I don't have at least outside of our home, and I commend you. Bravo! Emma

Dear Lisa, "I will deal with it like I always have, with grace, love and kindness." I have no doubt of that, you're terrific, and I'm very happy to hear of your progress. Emma

Thank you all so much!! I will be posting more. It's been a lot to tackle. I knew that July would be extremely stressful and emotionally challenging for me. But I feel so much better and finally free to be me!

Hiya Michele. You Young Lady, are Definitely NOT UGLY. You are a Very Beautiful; Pretty; Young Lady, and You are Definitely Cute ! You are far more Lovely than Me ! Mind You, I Am getting Old !! Michele, I understand Your concern's over Chemotherapy, I have had So Many Friend's, and Relatives who have gone through it. I Did Not Know, that You have gone through Cancer before. Young Lady, You I Know, are very independent, and I Am very similar in that sense. I Am very independent, and used to doing thing's for Myself. I do Not make for being a very patient Patient !! L.O.L. Michele, I Sincerely hope, that You have NOT got cancer. However, You Know, that I Am routeing for You Honey. Michele, having Your Mother visiting, and Not wanting to tell Her - Very Hard ! Michele, Good Luck, Take Care Sweetheart, Big Hugs, And My Very Best Wishes, Love Stephanie. xxxxxxxx

Hi there Steph No my mom is visiting. I worked in an oncology ward when I was a nurse. Operative word was. I also have cancer in my family, and would prefer the worst part of work to be over before finding out that chemo is the next step. That is the part freaking me out. My luscious locks will be effected and I definitely will be crying once the diagnoses starts. Not my first cancer scare, and the part where death becomes me, isnt the scary part. Made peace with that millennia ago. Okay, here my vanity comes in, even though I don't view myself as super model hot, I don't think I'm unsightly ugly just naturally more to the proportional side of average to beautiful, make that cuteish. The thing that will surprise most people are: 1. I've alwys been the caretaker when someone fell ill 2. Even when I fell ill, no one was supposed or still are suppose to touch me, as I will and can take care of myself 3. I'm not the best person to treat at home, because I'll make myself comfortable and expect worying eyes to just buzz off. 4. If I need help I will give specific instructions just for that instance. So I know people mean good when assisting me, but it irritates me more the you could imagine. Tha​nks for the well wishes, will work it out in time when where and how I'll be immobile. Hugs Michele

Hiya Michele. I Am Sorry My Darling, that You have found a lump, where a lump Did Not ought to be. Because there is Cancer in My Own Family, ( Big-Time ), if I find a lump, it has to be checked out by the Doctor's immediately. Michele, I Am going to make a suggestion. How about measuring the size of the lump, writing it down in a notepad, then, maybe 3 Day's later, re-checking the size, to see if it has altered, but, still making a note, and doing this, until You are able to get it Properly checked-out. Sweetheart, It Is Only Natural, that You are going to be Worried, and Apprehensive. You Would Not bebHuman, and Female to go with It, so You are bound to Worry. Michele Honey, We Know that You are a Very Hard Worker, but, Please get it Checked-Out, WHEN You Can. If You Need to Talk, or Anything Else, You Know Where I Am. I Know You have got Your Mother staying with You as well, and that Can be Stressful, when You are So Busy At Work, and then having the Lump as well. Michele, Good Luck Sweetheart. Take Care Honey, Because I Care !! And My Very Best Wishes Michele, to You, and Your Family. Big Hugs, and Love, Stephanie. xxxxxxxx

Hi Lisa I love the way you tackling the world. Sounds like I can take some hints from you when I need to get some fuel to continue. Stay strong ma'am, your supporters are routing for you. Hugs Michele