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Chrissy, I also suffered from Childhood Emotional Neglect, with a clinically depressed mother, a largely absent father, and when they were together a marriage that was awkward at best. I do see this as the genesis of some (much?) of my emotional baggage that I'll carry with me to deal with regardless of where I end up on the transition spectrum. For me, I'm trying to separate exploring/accepting my transgender identity from my other emotional issues. Easy to say, hard to do. You wrote, "A big problem now is the feeling that I can’t, or rather won’t, move forward." We are all on our personal Hero's Journey. Maybe you are experiencing fears or other things that are stalling your progress? But maybe more likely: you've already done so much, my friend, maybe your psyche needs to take a break, have a coffee for some days, weeks, or months. After all, we know that everyone's Journey is just that, a journey, that really never ends. That may sound negative, I hope not. For me the Hero's Journey is an apt metaphor that helps me consider what's up when I experience another of life's normal potholes, and that it's yet another obstacle that like many others I need to explore how to fill it in and move on. Best wishes, Emma

Hi everyone, This started as a journal entry for myself, but I decided that it would be better to put out in the “public” instead. My summer classes ended on July 11, and the fall semester doesn’t start until the end of August – leaving a “void” of about a month and a half (I had hoped to find work to fill in that time, but that didn’t happen). Before it started I had been at times excited about the “void,” and at times terrified – and for the same reason. I knew that this would be a good time to do some personal reflection. The past year has been pretty big, as I’ve talked about in other posts – leaving my job, going back to school, and having breast augmentation surgery and GCS. The GCS was probably the biggest, but with being in school and dealing with recovery, there wasn’t much time to reflect. Anyway – in an earlier post I mentioned that I considered GCS to be effectively the end of my transition (it isn’t really, but going forward there aren’t a lot of active decisions to make) and the beginning of my “evolution” (as I called it). This turned out to be more meaningful, and far more difficult than I thought at the time. I think the way I described it was that I had transitioned to become a woman (physically) now it was time to see what I wanted to do with my life as a woman. There is so much tied up in this that it’s hard to know where to start – obviously the big “mistake” in my life was that I was identified and lived as the wrong gender for my entire life until I was about 48 years old. That fact alone makes it hard to just pick up and live. But in that are also the many, many decisions I made over time that were directly or indirectly linked to my gender dysphoria. There are far too many of those decisions to try to sort through, and I doubt it would be worthwhile if I could. One part of me wonders what my life would be like if I had realized much earlier that I was a woman and been allowed to live that way – but the more reasonable part of me realizes that doesn’t really matter, I can’t achieve that now, I can move back to some point in the past and do it over again. A big problem now is the feeling that I can’t, or rather won’t, move forward. It seems strange considering how much I’ve accomplished over the past couple of years, but I don’t believe in my own ability to move forward from here. I’m able to almost dismiss the past couple of years as having simply erased a deficit rather than actually advancing in life. And it’s not that I don’t think I have the ability to do the things that I want to do, it’s that I don’t believe I have the will to do it, which I think comes down to lack of self-care, lack of self-love. Which brings me to the main point of this post, “Childhood Emotional Neglect.” In concept I’ve been aware of this for some time, I just recently came across that specific name for it. It’s basically the idea that your parents didn’t give you enough emotional attention as a child and so you don’t develop proper emotional health for yourself. I realize this sounds like – and truly is – another “blame the parents” approach. I truly have moved past that point, with help from my former therapist. In one session I talked about how I thought my parents had failed, vs my sister who felt like they did the best they could. My therapist responded with “they might have done the best they could, but you needed more.” Which was a very helpful way of reconciling the past and bringing up to today – they probably did fail me, that isn’t going to change, so I have to fix it now. I’ll stop my rambling now J That’s the point I’m at right now, and I hope to use the rest of my time until school starts to process some more of this. While writing a paper last semester I was doing a review of an article about working with transgender clients which pointed out that “completing” physical transitioning is not the end of the process, which I was very happy to see addressed, it truly isn’t the end, it’s yet another beginning, and often (always?) a pretty scary one. xoxo Chrissy

Emma, That doesn't sound negative at all A recurring theme in the past school year was about the importance of self-care, and I think that's exactly what you're talking about. It's important for everyone (social work adds to it since you're daily working with others and their problems, but still, it's a universal need). And I think that's essentially what I've been trying for since classes ended, in this space in time before the fall semester ends. I just want to get a little better sense of what's holding me back and what I can do to resolve that (in addition to just taking it easy for a bit!) xoxo Chrissy

All my life I sought a life-long relationship, and, yes, I found true love for ten years, (in my forties), only to lose it for my refusal to marry her (back then, a Holy Union), for fear of losing my Disability benefits and bankrupting her as a result. As I approach my 60's, I realize I have become more complex, because of all the life experience I have been through, making it more difficult for me to find someone with whom I am compatible. What brought this home to me was my experience with four Lesbian dating websites, (from my mid-fifties to the present), where the women my age (59) were more complicated and had more complex demands on a potential partner. Slowly, it gradually occurred to me, that if I didn't find an alternative way of looking at love and companionship, that very likely I would remain single and have no romantic love and companionship for the rest of my life. Gradually, I realized serial brief relationships (with the possibility of a relationship growing into a friendship or even a long-term relationship) would be a lot more realistic. Here are my reasons: WHY IT'S BEST I LIVE ALONE Am set in my ways.Needs to use the bathroom on short notice.Gassy.Terrible odor when I use the bathroom.Never shared my living space (not even with my lover of 10 years).Can not share my apartment and finances due to being on Disability.Needs to live in HUD Public Housing (if anyone wanted to live with me, they, too, would have to be "very low income," too).Allergic to horses, dogs, cats and birds (most Lesbians not only have cats and dogs, but sleep with their pets).Am actually happy with my apartment (and I am unlikely to find as good an apartment - especially HUD Housing - anywhere).Only negative where I live is some residents in Beacon and many residents of my apartment complex, I don't like. Avoid them and save money to take trips every three or four months.Love my building.Management treats me humanely.Maintenance treats me humanely, and does an efficient and thorough job maintaining and cleaning the building as well as making repairs in my apartment. (Most HUD Public Housing properties are poorly maintained.)Very low crime rate where I live. (The lowest crime rate I have every seen at a HUD Public Housing property I have ever seen.)​Here are what I think are the advantages of short-term relationships: The Advantages of Short-Term Relationships Due to very low income (some would call this a "budget income," I can not relocate quickly to continue dating a woman (in order to avoid a "U-Haul" situation where I would move in with her, and hope for the best!)Most women do not qualify (very low income) and are uncomfortable dating a woman who lives in HUD Public Housing, especially if it is poorly maintained and is in a dangerous neighborhood.Able to enjoy the relationship before the drama and games begin.Can't find a woman locally to me because of homophobia where I live. (Most women are already coupled before they move here.)Both parties should be single out of respect for other relationships and for themselves.Sex is not the primary reason for such a relationship, but companionship.​Of course, there are many other reasons people may choose short-term relationships rather than long-term or lifelong relationships. Would like to hear from others if they resonate with this in their own lives (especially if they are 60 +) and how realistic they think this is. Am I selling myself short? Or am I having realistic expectations for a 59 year old, average-looking woman, who is kind, compassionate, supportive and has many interests? Thank you in advance for your comments! ​

​Thank you for this feedback :-) I have thought about the fact that my parents undoubtedly had their own issues, and I don't think there was anything intentional or willful about what they did (or didn't do). I'm pretty sure my mother suffered from depression for some period of her life, and given the time it wasn't addressed (it was during a period when you still didn't want to acknowledge that kind of thing). That's why a key moment for me was to put that behind and just focus on where I am now and what I can do about it :-)

Chrissy, such a thoughtful, insightful, and well written piece. I love the phrase, "... I had transitioned to become a woman (physically) and now it was time to see what I wanted to do with my life as a woman." As you know, your parents may have also suffered from emotional neglect and continued the cycle since that would make it perfectly normal for them, without much awareness of any other way. I'm sure, though, that there were other issues. Of course, it's true that they could have done their best and still not met your needs, but that's more of a cliché or platitude than something with a lot of substance - there so much more to it. The incredible thing is that you are going way beyond that and finding ways to give yourself that attention, discover your needs, and take care of yourself in ways that your parents probably never dreamed.

Oh hun, it's becoming ever evident to me that relationships are over rated , for 23 years now I have been a truck driving diesel dyke and at this point of my like I can say proud to be, I have always felt I needed to have " that someone waiting at home " and so I did just that convenient relationships ones that understand I come home seldom and am in no way interested in going out after getting home. Is this fare no I suppose not yet I pay all the bills, do all the household work when I get home and don't want, need sexual interactions, I have gone without for so long I am no longer interested. Is it a bad thing this being alone, set in our ways, I think He'll No, your lists of why you live alone gave me a bit of a chuckle because a lot of the list was my thoughts for me. Connection is a wonderful thing but so is a bit of are you kidding me what the hell adds a lot to ones life, I can get that from co workers, or friends and some times from my beagle Skipper trust me he is a joy, a pain, a wonderful addition, no not everyone wants or needs a pet/fur baby but for some of us just what we need. I am glad to know a bit more about you I love having you just a tap on the screen away, your opinions matter and the site Bennifits from your being here. Hugs hun

In my personal experience (which has run both ends of the spectrum, from insane what was I doing to hey I have my love stuff together!) I have learned one thing, there is no perfection. There is no standard, no ideal, and no repeatable experiences. Each one is unique, each one teaches us something, and most are worth having. The ones that are harmful can still yield positives, but I can't bring myself to say they were worth having. And this is from someone who got her son out of one, it's complicated in my head sometimes. I think in a lot of cases that one of our great societal problems is the concepts of short versus long term relationships in the first place, that one is 'good' and one is 'bad'. You are asking yourself if you are selling yourself short by considering this, which indicates to me you have some lingering unresolved internal conflict with the choice that you need to resolve inside before you embark both for your sake and your partners. If you aren't going into this openly without dealing with that feeling, it has a real potential to eat at you and the relationship. Or I'm over reading into your post. Also, realistically, no one can tell if a relationship is going to be long or short. Unless we want to go back to the random lottery of arranged partnerships, the whole reason we date at all is to explore and analyze the potential. I've seen people stay in ridiculous relationships because they have some sort of weird concept of 'wasted time' or 'refusal to fail' instead of realizing they're continuing to waste time in a relationship that is failing them . I have no idea where this behavior comes from, but it seems unhealthy and pointless to me. On your con list, several of them are unrealistic cons. NO ONE isn't gassy, literally no one. It's a byproduct of human digestion, we all area. Live-together couples deal with it. Just we have this weird social taboo so no one realizes how bad it is for everyone, and things they are somehow weird or unpleasant to be around. No ones bathroom products smell good either. You just deal with the little inconveniences of life when living with someone. Nikki is awful in both those, wouldn't give my Nikki up, I just open the window a lot after one of us has been in there. ​ Some Febreeze helps too. Most people are more set in their ways than we realize, compromise is not an innate talent it's a learned skill, and there is nothing wrong with trying to find someone with a similar set of ways to reduce the amount of compromise. The allergies and finances are more 'real' hurdles vs. feelings you have about yourself that make you hesitant in my opinion, and the best advice I can give for that is be open and upfront if you hit the point where short term may look different. WEll, maybe prior to the first date with the allergy part, but the finances can wait. But ​health issues that can trigger on a date such as cat lady covered in cat hair at the date could be an issue. But I clearly hear your desire to retain independence. But I do ask have you spoken with someone in your disability office to ask how a marriage would affect that? I know a lot of people on various disability who are married, but I'm not up on the laws. I am NOT trying to force you to change your feelings on anything, just giving my honest take on the list that you can do what you want with my thoughts. No ​one has to be permacoupled to be happy, but some of that really is normal for the course and not a barrier and I just wanted to be clear. Short term relationships aren't bad. There is nothing wrong with enjoying them, and getting to repeatedly enjoy the thrills and highs of new people and relationships. Society frowned on it for a long time because it didn't fit with the model of what they wanted, but monogamy is a social training in us, not a natural evolved instinct. It was a solution to various issues over history, and remains in place as a tradition, but the only way to be 'wrong' in choosing to have several relationships over time (or even at the same time) is when lying is involved to the partners. You are settled, in a good place in your life, and just want some companionship/romance, enjoy all the short term relationships you want. LIfe is too short not to enjoy things. And if you find it's not your cup of tea after you've tried it, then you can always re-evaluate your choices and options after. You won't know if it fulfills the niche in your life or makes it worse until you start exploring. Go for it, see how it works for you. You can stop at any time if it's not, you're not selling yourself short at all, and it's always better to try for happiness and it not go right than to not try at all.

Hi Monica, No, you're not selling yourself short at all. I do think realistic expectations are best and it's good to know what you want and need. So certainly, be open to short term relationships. Nothing wrong with that. As you said, they might grow into longer term, or "just" friendships, or people you socialize with that introduce you to others. All is good, all is available to you. I do think, though, that looking for love or friendship, either short or long term, sets us up for anxieties and problems. Get out, socialize however you want and can, and see who you meet and enjoy talking to. If it's fun, have a coffee or lunch, that sort of thing. Good for you to know yourself so well. I know you've been exploring all you can to try to meet people in on-line and other relationship services. Maybe you had to do that in order to learn and be where you are now. You're much wiser as a result and can talk knowledgeably if that subject comes up! Hugs, Emma