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I'm feeling a little low tonight, and I was not going to get dressed and spiffed up. But I did, and I do feel better. I had lunch today with two of my former co-workers at PACE Center for Grils a place called The Whale's Rib in Deerfield Beach. Jen was my direct supervisor for 10 years and Shelly was the #2 person at PACE, and I knew her for 10 years as well. They have become friends and have been very supportive of me throughout my job loss and the loss of my wife. Both wrote glowing letters of recommendation for me, so much so that I wondered if they were writing about me. (I do have some self-esteem issues although I shoudn't) We had planned on having lunch together for a long time, and I asked Shelly to set it up and pick a favorite place of hers and Jen's. The Whale's Rib as the name suggests is a seafood restaurant just across A1A from the beach. I passed it a few times before finally spotting it, and then paid $10 to park my car (ouch) which it turns out I didn't need to do, but oh well. I got there right at 11:30, and met them just inside the restaurant. We hugged and found a booth. It was nice to see them. It would have been more fun to have met them as Michelle and really been one of the girls, but I'm still Mr. Mac to them, and this was not the time to come out to them. So, we talked about job searching and family and what we were doing. just catching up stuff. In the end, we got into TV shows and stuff we were into which was more fun and interesting, but lunch was over and it was time to go by then. We will stay in touch. I don't know that we will have lunch again anytime soon. I guess I had my hopes up that it would have been more. It is what it is. So, I drove home feeling more on my own than I have for a while. It has been a little over a month since my wife died, and it just starting to sink in that I am alone. I have to say that I haven't minded it that much. I am free to do as I please, and I am liking that a lot. Still, it does take some getting used to. I have thoroughly enjoyed chatting with my new-found friends on this site. I should at least check in tonight. I have to think about that.

It's good to write when you're feeling low. Keep doing it! It often helps me to write, either here or mostly in my journal. It's amazing what comes up. You wrote, "I do have some self-esteem issues although I shoudn't." I've been told my therapists that applying these "should's" and "shouldn't's" to ourselves doesn't help. Later, when we feel low, for example, and get down on ourselves because we "shouldn't" feel this way just doesn't help, it can make it worse. Another way to consider it is to mentally notice your feelings, like you're observing from a distance. How bad is it? What does it feel like in your body? Is it the same as before? Worse? Better? It's like you are examining it like you might a pair of shoes, a book, or whatever. Then, put it on the shelf (in your brain) and go on with your day, your friends, your life. These feelings will pass. Emma

Dear MichelleLea and Bree, About my housekeeping . . . I am very clean due to severe allergies. If I acquire a stain and can change my clothes, I do so, as I attempt to treat the stain as soon as possible with liquid Tide (any type) directly on the stain, which almost always come out in the wash. Do a "deep clean" once a week with the help of my home attendant, where we work side by side. Must confess I "cheat" and wear my socks, shorts/pants and shirt/blouse several days in a row unless I acquire a stain or perspire heavily and/or acquire an odor. As for women's cleanliness and frequency of changing clothes, from the point of view of a cisgender mid-butch Lesbian, who has been around many Straight and Lesbian women, this is a very individual thing, but, in general, feminine women are cleaner and change their clothes more often (according to the occasion). When I was in my relationship of ten years, we were friends with three other couples, and the fems couldn't wait to get to work on helping their butches with the diet, cleanliness and fashion! Yours truly, Monica