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I have been having difficulty loading this page for some reason, but now I'm back at it. As those who have been following know-namely Monica, Chrissy, and Emma Sweet--this has been a rough summer. In June, I found out that I was losing my job after almost 11 years at PACE Broward. And then, at the end of July, my wife died rather suddenly. She had not been doing well for quite a while, but we always thought there would be more time. The weeks following my wife's death were filled with a crush of friends and retatives offering support and sympathy. We had a final memorial gathering at the house. We had a good turnout and it went well, and then Sunday came and I was truly on my own for the first time in forever. I don't know what got into me, but I didn't waste any time beginning my transformation into Michelle. I presented as a man for my wife, but thre was no need any more. I would still grieve my loss, but I knew this time was coming, and I already had some ideas about what I would do when I was on my own. Besides, I wasn't returning to my old worksite, so people wouldn't know any better. The first thing to go was the moustache. I had been threatening. Although I am close to 75--November--my hair is still brown. The only part that is gray is my moustache which I had to continually keep dyeing with Just for Men to keep from looking like a pensioner. Even then, it still had streaks of gray that wouldn't be covered. What a pain! My wife did say thought at without a moustache, I didn't look like I had any upper lip. In this, she was absolutely right. My lower lip is full enough; the upper lip, not so much. I have since learned to push it with a lip pencil and lipstick. It is what it is. A plastic surgeon could probably enhance my lips, but I don't see me doing that for many reasons. Anyway, back to the topic. I had enough of a severance package and paid leave from work to last me a little while, but not for a whole lot longer. I needed to work to supplement my social security check. I went through all the requirements to substitute teach as a fill-in while looking for a full-time job, but school had not yet started and there wouldn't be any demand for subs until it did. I did have several interviews with schools for ESE (special needs) support, but never got called back. I have good experience and great recommendations, but I have a feeling that my age may have eliminate me. I began to widen my search beyond education--I still did not want to be back in the classroom--but that may change. I would even consider anything that I could do that paid at least $15/hour, but that's not minimum wage yet. Last week, I interviewed with AFLAC to sell accident insurance, but haven't heard back from them either. Then, Ms. Brooks, the ESE Specialist, I worked with from the school district called to tell me that I was expected to sub at the Pompano Youth Treatment Center--a Department of Juvenile Justice detention center for boys--on Friday. Since I had not previously registered with the Broward substitute teaching system, I thought that one had fallen through. Not so. I was told that classes started at 7:15, and I got ready and left the house about 6:20. Even with a major wrong turn on the turnpike, I still was early enough to have to wait in lobby. It turned out to be a pretty easy day. During the first two periods, a chess teacher worked with the boys on their chess.The rest of the morning was taken up with a movie. The boys were respectful. I didn't do a whole lot, but I did get paid for it, so what the hey. Now I find out that I am booked for the next week at a different detention center. I might actually have to do some work for this one. Given the circumstances, I have not ruled out a full-time teaching gig with one of the centers. It actually felt good to be working again, not that I haven't enjoyed or really needed some time off, but it will be a relief not to have to worry about an income. But, in the meanwhile, Michelle came out and has blossomed and will continue to do so. That is not changing. I will never go back to where I was. This is who I am--so world, get used to it. I have to give a shout-out to Andrea, who has become my mentor and guide in transforming into Michelle. The other girls in the CD chat room have all been supportive and fun just to be with. So that's it for now. We'll see what kind of trouble I can get into tomorrow. Stay tuned.:)

Michelle, I also congratulate you both for your job as well as becoming yourself, Michelle. I feel that our becoming ourselves is like the genie coming out of the bottle. There's no stuffing her back in! I just feel more and more happy and content as Emma. i also echo Chrissy's sentiment that it's too bad that your progress seems to be tied to your wife's passing. They say that one dour closes and then another opens. True but no one is forced to go through the newly opened door. You are and I commend you! Emma

Michelle, Congrats on the job! It sounds challenging, working with kids in a detention setting, but possibly very rewarding. Anyone who has been exposed to the criminal "justice" system is going to have a rough time, they need all the support they can get if they're going to have any chance after. And congrats on growing into Michelle ☺ I definitely know what you mean about there being no going back! It is sad that it's connected to your wife passing - that seems like it would be very bittersweet - but you have to keep doing what you need and want. Xoxo Chrissy

So things are starting to happen faster now. We have moved in with my mom as planned, and I am alternating between helping Nikki move things and cleaning mom's house. (Seriously, it took three hours to go through the pantry and get out all the expired food from years 03 to 16). And the rest of the house is insane, but I'm slowly taming it. Mom is getting the better end of this deal, really. Free cleaning and repairs and cooking until we sell and buy a new house. Old house is nearly empty, just a bit more to pull out and then it's painting time. We're still waffling on whether or not to fix the damaged laminate. New car is working out great, old main car is doing great, old secondary car is going to the scrapyard, the costs to fix the brake issue and make it sellable are higher than we could sell it for. Bummer, some extra money would have been nice. It's kinda weird being here again. I lived here with Grandma, my mom, and my son when I met Nikki. I had the downstairs basement finished room, although ever since the big flood it's impractical to use as a bedroom anymore. Which is a same, as it's HUGE and was lovely with lots of space. Only ever had to come upstairs to use the bathroom. I was the hermit Bree in the basement! Nikki's girl mode items are all packed away with a decoy tag, he's still very much closeted as far as our families go. Since he realized transition is not a path for him, dealing with our awkward families is a door he doesn't want to go through. As in most things (other than anything food related, do NOT EVER trust Nikki's judgement with food, trust me) I trust his judgement and respect his choices. And he pointed out I won't be at risk for giving myself a black eye again slapping myself with the breast form. (Didn't quiet get a black eye, but I did have a nice red mark from that oops. Why do they put it in such clingy plastic?) Nikki does have a nasty set of scratches across his back, so I've been teasing him he made a ghost angry that we're leaving. It sounds more fun than I think the cat did it while we were sleeping. I haven't had any really awful burning for a week, had one bad night last weekend, but it's been good since. Nikki's physical health is solidly great, and his dysthymia has been very much under control. He continues on his medication, but the improvements in our life have done wonders also. Once his job is less demanding (they're in the middle of some big changes that take a lot of hours from him) he's going to see about finding a new therapist in our target town and he can just go after work and then come home until we move. He has to start over anyway since his passed and then we went on insurance hiatus. He'd rather do it just once instead of twice. It's sorta amazing how far we've come since last years confusion and upheaval. ​I'm proud of us. Now I have to go continue trying to convince my elderly cat that moving was a good thing and that he should eat some of his food. Dog is loving the adventure of a new house (wish she would stop running full speed into doors though, she's traumatizing ME with her poor banged head) lizard doesn't care. Our lizard is too cool to care.

Dear MichelleLea, Just finished my research for transgender resources in Broward County and found that they all are "for profit." If anyone knows of non-profit transgender support in Broward County, please let MichelleLea and I know. Please check the resources I gave you, and, if they don't know, ask them for a referral. Sometimes it takes one person referring to another person, and that person referring to a third person, etc. Things have changed in the 15 years since I lived in Tampa Bay, but I still think they are worth the trip! Orlando has some outstanding transgender support and social groups, and if you are interested, let me know. Your friend, Monica

Dear MichelleLea, You may want to check these out: Trans*Talk St. Pete MTF Group: 2nd Wednesday of the month 7 - 8:30 P.M. Tel: 727-321-3854 (call for address and directions) Coffee & "T" LGBT Welcome Center 2nd and 4th Thursday of the month 6 - 8 P.M. LGBT Welcome Center 2227 Central Ave. St. Petersburg, Florida 727-201-4925 Will research resources in Broward County soon. Yours truly, Monica

Dear MichelleLea, First, please accept my condolences on the loss of your wife. Let me assure you that she very likely was attracted to your gentle feminine energy, although she may not have been conscious of that. Second, until 15 years ago, I used to live in Tampa Bay, Florida, for 35 years. As recently as a few years ago, I know they had a very trans-friendly Metropolitan Community Church (MCC), one of the 10 largest in the world (taking up an entire city block) on U.S. 19 and Central Avenue in St. Petersburg, Florida. Also, there is a cross dresser support group and transsexual support group (yes, they not only get along but enjoy each other's company!), meeting monthly in St. Petersburg, Florida. There is also a social group that welcomes BOTH transsexuals AND cross dressers, and they have wonderful activities monthly, such as going to the mall, followed by dining out, etc. There is a transsexual support group that meets monthly in Clearwater, Florida. Will try to get you some contacts within the week. Your friend, Monica

I grew up in Piscataway, then lived for a couple of years in Plainsboro after graduation and a brief time in Heightstown before I moved to Ohio to get away from crazy ex. I really miss it, there was this little mom and pop pizza place across from Quakerbridge Mall that had the BEST CHEESESTEAK EVER! It's called Red Moon Pizza if it's still there and you're in the area. We spent a lot of time at Sandy Hook beach, but then changed to Island Beach State Park. I know everyone loves Seaside Heights, but I liked a somewhat quieter beach.

Hello Judy and welcome to TGGuide. It sure sounds to me like you're transgender, which is a reason you're drawn to study and consider what it is to be a woman. It's perfectly okay to crossdress on occasion to make yourself feel good. The point is to help oneself manage their dysphoria. For some (many?) cross dressing is all that they need. Or maybe it's all they can do at this point in time so it's much better and satisfying to do than try to go on without it. And of course there are many who find that crossdressing isn't enough for them, and they eventually go on to hormones and surgeries. The main thing to be aware of and accept is that being transgender isn't a choice. Also, it's not something that can be "cured", it's not a disease, and it's not going away. We are born this way and like people who are left handed or blue eyed, we deserve the same love and respect as anyone else. So I'd ask you: what is your awareness of transgender, yourself, and your acceptance of yourself? It can be hard to go through all this, it sure was for me. If it is for you, have you considered seeing a therapist? It helps to talk about this with a professional, especially therapists who are aware of gender concerns. Please look around TGGuide, learn, and post your thoughts and questions. We are all happy to help in any way that we can. Emma