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Dear Emma and Friends, We ALL have "down times" and feel the "blues." Sometimes we don't always know why. When I feel blue, I go to a comedy club (I sit in the back because I don't want to be part of the show when I am blue) and it really helps me. Just a suggestion. Thank you for being there for all of us! Your friend, Monica

I've been gone a long time, I'm sorry! Got ​really sick, found multiple causes, and started addressing them. One of them was our diet, and Nikki and I are living on the DASH diet as best we are able to right now. It's hard when you are staying at someone else's house (our repairs and slave labor to the house should be done tomorrow, and it should be listed within the week. That took FOREVER!). It helps that Nikki really loves my cooking, and has been visibly on the same page with me when my mom started trying to sabotage our efforts to get healthier. I know that sounds melodramatic, but it's been a struggle while we're staying here. I can't sell that house and buy a new one fast enough. My mom needs me to stay sick and not be able to improve my health and life so that she can keep telling everyone that all her weight and diet induced illnesses arent' her fault. And when I started getting better, so started the pressure to each junk food and salty things again. I resisted though, and Nikki has been great backing me up. It's kind of empowering to realize that I don't have to turn into my mother, that I CAN be successful after all without bariatric surgery (which I was ready to sign on for, but my insurance doesn't cover, and neither did my savings account!) and hopefully will continue to succeed going forward. (If you have hypertension issues, and want to address them without medication in a real not-creepy-anti-science food culty way, I can't recommend DASH For DUmmies enough. It explains how the science works, the research that went into it, how to shop, set up your kitchen, and a variety of starter recipes). I'm still taking my meds, but doctor thinks she's going to take them off once we're back in our own home and the stress of dealing with my mom is removed. I'm a bit stressed out. Nikki has been really great working on the prior issue I wrote here about about not backing me up and being on my page. I can't say enough how awesome he's been about it! I'm not sure I would have been able to deal with the last four months of illness and mom crazy if I still felt all alone like I did back then. I think I'm flirting with depression, and maybe had slipped quietly all the way in for a while when I really sick, but the dash changes having improved how I feel dramatically on a day to day basis is helping me climb out of it. ​So we have our eye on a house if ours sells and no one else snatches it up, but if they do, there'll be other houses. ​I'm sorta stuck on a fireplace, so I did my due diligent Bree researches how to safely own and operate a fireplace. I have learned a great deal about wood, chimneys, laying out the wood for a fire, storage, how to tell a good wood supplier and chimney cleaning profressional from a bad one, and I'm ready to spend a snowy winter's evening cuddling on the cough with Nikki making Smores! I'm ready, so Nikki said okay, we'll prioritize a fireplace. WOOHOO! Aside from my health, Dash has propelled me thirty pounds lighter and I fit in clothes I haven't worn in years! Nikki too, but for once I lost more because Nikki cheats at work and lunches at fast food. I got to see his office environment, and if my last job had been that nice and calm I would still be working! But I like my housewife life. And ​I spend a great deal of it working on increasing our variety of food and compliance with Dash. Salt is the enemy! I was the average American, and WAY overdosing on the stuff. It just never percolated how dangerous it can be in those amounts for me before. Life goes in waves like the tide. But I came out of this down cycle with a long term plan to address my physical issues, and several new coping mechanisms for emotional ones, and I can finally see that at some point there will be an end to this weird "I have a roof, but I feel homeless" limbo. We basically have a bed in a tiny room, and a corner in the sunroom where the laundry is, and that is our entire plot of "our space" here. It will be lovely to move back into our own place! Sell quick little house. I will really miss you, but gotta go. And supposedly one glass of wine a day is good for your heart too. So...bought a cheap bottle of red and I'm going to try to overcome my aversion to alcohol like I did my aversion to broccoli, pepper, and cauliflower in the last few weeks. It promises to taste like a cherry cupcake. I somehow disbelieve. I'm done rambling now. Tell me about any adventures I missed while I was gone!

Trans-Formation This column is about my future, my past and whatever else comes in with it. Welcome to here and welcome to you! As I try to figure out the oldest of Man's questions, boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy finds out she is with another. This will naturally involve my dating history, my life and the present, all centred on the person I am enamoured with. The title is basically the spoiler of it all. The girl in question is a transsexual. She was born a boy and transitioned to being a girl. As such, names and identifying information will be hidden to prevent anyone from finding out who she is, because she is still "in the closet" and has not made herself generally known! Not that she has to tell you or me or anyone as if it is anyone's business. If you are privilege to be trusted to know her life story or even a part of it then respect her wishes. She does not need to be anyone's gossip. She is who she is and that is more than enough for me. Formation is a French word meaning learning, or training. The title is my learning about transitional people. I will try to tell you about the things that are happening and my take on them. I have a vested interest here to protect that someone, so don't ask me identifying questions. Protecting her is more important than your questions. We live in Quebec, French and English speaking, she speaks French and I speak English! Two Solitudes by Hugh MacLennan, is a story of Quebec's language wars. It is frankly more of funny comment on my society when I was not in love with the girl from the other side of the wall. We work in shipping and transportation. Basically we move boxes for a living. We work in a warehouse for a company that you have never heard of. And the rest, well I feel no compulsion to tell the truth about anything that will identify her. I will try my best to say what is true and what a lie is. But anything that pinpoints anything to her is untrue. I am a middle age white man with a university education. Why I am moving boxes? Part of that long story yet to come. I am heterosexual. This is not something you normally have to say. After all, are not all of us thus so? Of course not. But until this recently, it was not a question that I had to grapple with in anything but abstractions. Human rights good, gay pride good, Marriage equality act, sounds great to me as I flip the channel for more sports news. I don't watch sport news. You get the point. My life was not something that you would consider extra ordinary. As a white man, I live in the world of privilege, White privilege, male privilege, Heterosexual privilege and I am sure many other privileges that I am not even aware of. Such as being able bodied; another privilege that most overlook, but it is the most glaring of privileges that we are to over look. I am also a member of the elites. In this French province, I may speak English, but my last name is that of the elites of the land. If you have an English surname, you are not discriminated against exactly; you are just treated with suspicious as being an "Other" (Une Autre). Someone who is allowed into society but not quite allowed all the way in. The thousands of digs that he real elites tell themselves they are still superior and in charge. But just as republicans, Donald J Trump and the white Americans are presiding over there coming lost of majority status with absolutely no grace at all, so too in Quebec is the privilege of our French speaking elites who got off the boat with Champlain coming to an end. My ancestors also got of that boat too. He was a blacksmith or so I am told. The difference is, my parents sent me to be educated in English to embrace the world, whereas most elites here just teach their kids French and try to shun outside influences. It won't work, and it never has worked in the past. All too often someone will rip the curtains and allow in the sunlight. Missing the metaphors? Read that again. Thanks. I have written books, don't ask, you have never heard of them. I have a blog, which you have also never read. In fact, unlike this one, not even my mother is reading this one! It has a low readership and yet I keep writing. It’s not much but it is something that I do. You know, waiting for that day when something of mine sells into the best seller list. Until then I will keep experimenting and keep writing. Right now, this is my subject. As I boil this all down, I come to the song by the Pursuit of Happiness, "She aint Pretty" paraphrased of course: "Boy meets girls, Boy loses girl, and boy tries to figure out what went wrong." In the end, that is what this is. A day by day blog of my life around her. And yes she is a she and I love her. The rest is mere details. Here is my journey.

I spent the evening with three girlfriends at a dinner show in downtown Seattle. I should have had a better time. I wore my new burgundy REI sweater dress, fleece-lined leggings, and a silver necklace. If I do say so myself, I looked nice. Nice that is, for me. I'm not sure I should be writing this at all. After all I'm a moderator here. Aren't I supposed to be like a Camp Counselor who always knows the right thing to say, the right thing to do? That's what it seemed like when I went to camp, about fifty years ago I guess. My divorce from my wife is final as of about a week ago. We still talk, we love and miss each other, and I think we will always be in each other's lives. But nonetheless we are divorced. I feel like I should be looking forward, excited about the future. Instead all too often I am so envious of women who get to just be what they are. Sure, they aren't perfect either. But their hairline isn't all receding, they have at least some sort of waist, and their voices are naturally feminine. And oh yeah, they don't have beards. Today I saw my electrologist for our weekly appointment. This week we were scheduled for only an hour because the dentist in the adjacent office is on vacation. She started working on my side burns but after 40 minutes I had to call it quits. It just hurt too much. I couldn't take it any longer. I guess I have another couple of years worth of appointments to look foreword to. I'm so blessed and so lucky and yet I feel so blue. I feel guilty for that, like I shouldn't feel this way. But we know that everyone's feelings are valid. I should approach them mindfully, accept them, don't fight them, and in fact, embrace them. Use them to help point the way I should go, don't let fear and hurt drag me down. If it were that easy... The good news is that I adopted a two-year old cat about a month ago, Peanut, whose photo is below. She seems to like me. I like her too.

My past I am not whole unaware of transsexuals. When I was working back in the 90tys, I knew a guy; my only active memory was talking with "Him" while standing taking a piss. He left only to come back a few months later as a woman. Ok being clueless one of the girls had to inform me that he was now a she! So I was like. "Oh wait... I know him...err her err... ok so a little confused!" So far from being shocked, I was "Live and let live" about the whole thing. She hung out with the lesbians at work. I was friendly with them all so I got to know her a bit. She was nice enough. Friendly even. I did not see any horns growing from her head, no smell of brimstone, no nothing. Sorry Mr Vice President Mike Pence. She was just a normal person. It was weird for the adjustment. That lasted like a day then it was not weird any more. I just accepted her for who she was and let it drop from my world. We played card a few times, had a few parties in a group and then I changed jobs. Never looking back. About twenty years later maybe more, around 2010, I met this girl on-line, so about seven years ago. Call her "May." (Not her real name.) She and I hit it off instantly! We talked everyday about everything and nothing, for many hours. Just enjoying each other’s company. Of course, I fell in love with her. Boy meets girl. It was destined to be. Except someone played a country song, so I lost the girl and my pickup truck sort of thing! She was wonderful. But... there has to be a "But" at this point, otherwise I would have married her. Yes that big M word. She did not have Skype and we could only talk by text. No video or audio. Video chatting was not as prevalent back then as it is now. So I made no notice of it and she lived in Yugoslavia or in the area formerly known as. Note that I have hidden her location while at the same time giving a perfectly valid location you can find on a map. Okay fine, I was enjoying being clever there! Then suddenly, she disappeared. She was not on-line, she stopped answering her emails, and she just dropped off the planet as far as I was concerned. This was strange. It took me years to figure it out but the clues are compelling. At least to my mind... (My so called mind...) She once sent me a picture, we did that all the time, exchanging pictures and videos from YouTube we had found. So this was not something unexpected. But this was a picture of a boy. I asked her who that was and she just said a friend. I was like; "OK?" But she let the subject drop. In my mind, of today, it seems that she dropped off the face of the Earth right after that. I could be wrong but I don't think so. I missed her, sent her emails etc. but what could I do. She lived in Europe and I was in Canada so not like I could drive on over to her house. Not that I ever knew where her house was. I had no phone number, nothing except a chat and email link. This in the end was not really a lot. I still talked to her girlfriend. So I got some news, really very little. "Oh she is busy! Oh she is working! Oh she got a job in Texas." That sort of bland information that left much to be desired; like shall we say information? A few years later she returned home to see her ailing father. He would die shortly after this visit. She was so fond of him, she would tell me about how wonderful he was. But the visit was anything but great. There was a falling out and she never spoke with him again! Rather he never wanted to speak with her again. He died before they could heal the rift. She was broken up over it according to her friend but she never reached out to me I tried but got no answer. You know that has got to hurt, to be rejected by your father. I began to ask myself what could have happened that would wreck what from my sideline point of view was a close, loving, relationship. I drew my own conclusion. The male picture, the dropping off the face of the Earth, no video, no calls and things began to click. She was a "He," she was transitioning from being male to female. No voice cause her voice might be too masculine. No video she might reveal her transitioning to the camera. She showed me that picture because she was trying to come out of the closet to me. If only she had had the courage. Or if only I was a better person? Who could have helped her to come out by being more open, more sympathetic or something more then what I was. I don't know which. The lack of Skype was a mere ploy; she would have a changed voice but not really a feminised voice if she was in transition. She tried to come out with who she really was, perhaps to start a real relationship with me and when she failed to come out all the way, she fled. I can only imagine the fear she must have felt trying to come out to me. Even the failed visit with her father now made sense. Telling a back country male of Eastern European background is not like telling some young hip Hollywood parents who are into these things. Thus the rift with her father was started when she told him who she really was. His son was not his son anymore but his daughter. Her "Job" in Texas was a place for surgery. I am not judging her in any of this. Later on, you will see that I too, would choke when I should have dived right on in. So who am I to cast the first stone? Affairs of the heart are by no means something for the frail or those lacking in courage. This is just a retelling in as neutral manner as I can these events but they lead to some soul searching when I had deduced these revelations. In the dimness of my mind, I had time to ponder this whole strange world of transitioning. *I*, a straight heterosexual going out with a what, a girl, a boy a girl-boy? Who was she? What is a transsexual? What does that even mean to begin with? They don't have any how to guides and the internet was not even nearly as user friendly for people transitioning as it is today; with vlogs, and site and all sorts of information. Back then, there was not a lot of information. Nor were there a lot of documentaries on the subject either. I know I looked hard for there to be some. Being an intellectual geek I started to learn. Not much but some. Since I fell for her, there has to be something in her that attracts me and answers a need I have inside. How could I do that, to fall for a girl like that? So that said something about me right? It did. It said I was a male and she was a female. I was a male in love with a female. No matter where she started from! No matter where she went! And whatever would happen to her, she was not a he! She was who she felt she was inside; a woman trapped inside a male body. A person with the overwhelming courage of conviction in her own sexuality and gender to challenge the societal norms and become who she was, first by living as the opposite gender then as surgical alterations began to shape who she was outside as well. So unlike the stereotypical country bumpkin, I was not freaked out by the whole thing. I was just introspective in my own mind wondering about my own orientation. In fact, men who like Trans women are not gay. Gay porn sites do not even host such pictures because gay people do not like those types of videos or images. They are only to be found on Heterosexual sites. Because women in transition are beautiful period, not in their own way, not in some other way they are beautiful in every way! They just are regularly, plain old beautiful. Many are highly feminine and deeply caring. They grew up in violence, hatred and self loathing. People who have experienced pain, rejection and hatred are some of the most sympathetic people you will ever meet. They know what suffering is. They don’t want to inflict any more on anyone. This journey continues

Fast forward to the present times; I met this girl about 15 months ago. She came in to the unit where I worked, angry, very angry. Her back was up; she was ready for a fight. I wanted to keep my distance, but I was her trainer. Lucky me, I get o train all the new people. So, over time, I became her friend. I think she was just nervous in her new position. She had some bad times before hand in her past positions so she was ready for a fight in this new posting, except no one here was willing to fight with her, not even just a bit. We showed her what to do then left her to do it or not as she chose. She could do the work or not do it or whatever, no one was on her back and the supervisors hardly were seen. They had to deal with me and that kept their hands full. Yes I am a pain in the lower extremes. So they avoided me, (She worked right next to me,) so I would go to their office and alert them to my problems. They would love my visits, as they usually meant more work. I was welcomed like the plague of locus. So she was left on her own to do as she pleased. So she learned her new position in a place where no one was on her back. Her old position they were always on her back. Remember she was small so she had trouble with the heavy parts of the job. Here we either would help her or let her lift what she could and I would do the rest. Once she was accustomed to the world of her new assignment, where people where helpful, Zen like and over all just chill, she calmed down. She is small, Feisty but small, 5 feet tall, very thin, maybe 100-110 lbs. Long hair and very pretty. I would say I am biased on the last part of her being pretty but she seems to get a lot of attention from all the other males who work in other departments so I am thinking she is pretty attractive to the male population. I guess I was "liking her" even before *I* knew I "liked" her. One of the bosses made fun of me for liking "Boi p*ssy" (I think that is what he called it.) because I write poetry or so I thought. Was there something in her file? At this point that was all I could think of. Could have been a stupid comment or was it more than that. I may never know really, not like I can go and ask. Well, I liked her enough to be her friend. Or to try to be her friend she was difficult to be around. She was and is hard to get to know. She was abrasive in some instances and generally not someone that you could get close to or even try to. Or was it just me that she was abrasive to and trying to push away? She seems fine with everyone else but sometimes I wonder. Was she pushing me away even then because she liked me too? Or was it all my imagination? I won't doubt that it is all in my so called mind. What sort of broke the ice was when she asked about my audio books. I was listening to books while I worked and she asked me about them I told her everything and she asked for copies. I was like sure. And I got them for her. I would like to think now, and certainly did then, that I was trying to be nice to her and make a friend. Could it have been an early stage of attraction? Some girls are attracted to bigger guys or so I hear. Don’t you love going back over old memories to see what you were thinking so long ago and see how the past is altered by your thinking today? Or is that just me? Thus began this strange journey into the deep unknown!

Dear Trans-Formation, First, I am amazed on how fast I change, even looking back six months ago, a year ago, 18 months ago, 24 months ago, etc. Every ten years we change almost completely physically as every cell in our body is replaced every ten years. As for the girl, often people draw together, then push apart, as they deal with their attraction to another person. How I deal with that is to take my time in getting to know someone. Remember, sudden attraction, (especially physical) is often a symptom of limerence or lust, not love. Like to say, "Let's be friends first!" Your friend, Monica

Just a quick note that I hit my latest sales target which means an extra $350. in my pocket. I got some help from my Sales Coordinator to meet the goal. He knows how hard I work, and he is as anxious as I am for me to succeed. We work as a team and that is a good thing. I am in a position to hit my next goal a little sooner than this one. I have a lot to learn and will continue to learn as the time goes on. I'm going to spend the weekend getting organized for the week ahead. It might be high time to read another book on sales too.

I'd like to add that you're lucky that you and your sales coordinator (manager?) have such a good relationship and that you value his help. Take advantage of that! Go out on joint sales calls as much he wants and you can. You'll learn a lot. Another idea: start keeping some sort of journal where you can jot down notes from your calls every day. I am sure you do this but I'm talking about another notebook where you gradually build up your own system to visualize each sales call, especially those that aren't successful, where success means that you think you have a chance at an eventual sale. The reason is I say this is that long ago and in a faraway galaxy I was the first sales engineer hired to sell a new system for manufacturing printed circuit boards. Our system would optically scan the boards and (when it worked, it was a prototype when I started!) quickly identity flaws that saved the manufacturer lots of money. I was struggling big time. I was going door to door down through the list of companies who manufactured these boards and often got sort shrift from the GMs and owners. But then a man in our company who led our operations group wanted to take on a sales role to broaden his experience and eventually become a GM or executive himself. He did exactly what I'm suggesting to you now and quickly saw the commonalities about being rejected. Together (but mostly him) we developed a strategy that we had a blast with. We would call the prospect and say that all we needed was 60 seconds of his time (in a face to face meeting) to demonstrate on the back of an envelope how we could save him tens of thousands of dollars every year. We promised to set up a timer and if, at the end of the minute, he didn't want to continue, we'd shake hands and depart. Well, this really helped in two main ways: 1) We got the meeting, but more importantly 2) We had to boil down our benefits sufficiently into language he'd quickly grasp enough that he would want to learn more. I ended up selling way more machines than anyone else in our group! And I had fun, too. We turned it into a game to see if our assumptions on the meetings worked and when they didn't we refined our messaging and tactics.

That reminds me of an interesting book I read on the topic of sales " The Go-Giver."

Congratulations! I suggest “The One Minute Sales Manager” to read...

Hi Dawn, Thank you, it's so nice to hear from you. My electrologist does use a cooling gel, and I also have a prescription novocaine gel (but I'm inexperienced using it and will keep trying). She's also said (as Karen did) that I need to be well-hydrated. Indeed, that will be a focus for me tomorrow before my next appointment. Tomorrow I'll be receiving injected novocaine from a dentist for my upper lip. She's cleared it once before but more hairs need to be cleared of course. I'm lucky that my beard is fairly light so that a cosmetologist told me that I don't need to have a beard cover; just a good foundation is fine. No way will I have anyone do this hair removal on my chest or legs! I'd love to hear more about your hair therapy, what you are doing and how it works and so forth. Last night I had a FaceTime with my ex-wife and we talked about my hairline. She also has a high forehead so she has her advice which is to part my hair on one side and then have a sloping bang across the forehead. She's coming to visit in a couple of months and we promised that when she's here we will go see my salon lady and get a consultation. It's not a huge rush for me. I really just want it to be longer. Now it's down to the tops of my shoulders and I'd like it to be at least 6-10" longer before I have it styled. Patience! I also wanted so much to stay married. About a year ago my wife told me that we needed to get divorced because without that she was sure I could never really become my authentic self. That was about the most loving thing she could do for me. It really tore her up, me too. Over the year I realized how correct she was. And recently I understand more about why, which is that I have always been saddled with a need to try to manage the feelings and happiness of everyone around me. So my coming out and being authentic really flew in the face of that with me and my wife. This is something I'm working on with my therapist now. Honestly, I don't know what complete transition is. Maybe it's different for each of us. At the moment for me it's comprised of: - Coming out as transgender to pretty much everyone. That's a big transition in itself! - Full time presentation as a woman in public, at home, everywhere. I'm building a pretty good wardrobe and makeup skills. Occasionally I notice the unworn (for months) male clothing in my closet; I'll soon be donating them to Goodwill after choosing what will stay (some are pretty handy) and, after taking a deep breath, loading them in the car for that one-way trip... - Working on achieving a feminine voice. Gosh, it's hard but I really do seem to be learning. My voice therapist (whose name is Sandy Hirsch, she wrote "The Book" if you will on voice therapy and is a frequent conference speaker) gives me props for how much I've achieved. Part of my achievement is coming to an improved motivation for wanting to have a feminine voice. Originally it was about trying to just blend, be recognized as a woman. Sure, that would be nice but I tend to think that although my visual presentation is nice and my stature isn't too big, my face tips people off that I'm a trans woman. Now, I'm fine with that and I just want my voice to be more "authentic" if you know what I mean. For me and what I need, not for others. And that may be all that I'll do. I'm not sure if I want GRS for anything more than to avoid a small bulge under my skirt - which isn't much noticeable if at all. Same about FFS. That may have a higher priority for me. Breast augmentation? Maybe, but I'd be very happy if I just have size B's, or maybe a little smaller is okay too. I suspect that the big thing for this year (maybe the Fall?) will be to start legal name/gender change. I have a credit card now in my name and I love that. I'd like my drivers license, passport, and all that to be aligned too. I'm a little scared about it and I don't know why. I have so much going on now though that it's not a priority! Love, Emma

Hello Emma, I care about as you have cared about me. I noticed you were having issues with your electrolysis. When I last had it done, the better electrologist (However more expensive) I went to used a cooling gel and it helped a lot. I had my chest done my face and my legs. It was expensive and I quit the treatments when all my dark face hair was gone. I took electrolysis for about two years. I still have about 3000 hairs left on my face as I even plucked the remaining ones a couple of times, but they are all white and easily shaved and when shaved I have no shadow at all. So the electrolysis was worth it. I share your issues with losing hair. In a few weeks I will be starting hair therapy. I also go to a therapist and the goal is currently to help my marriage while accepting that I am Transgender. Have I not been trying to salvage a happy home relationship I am sure I would transition completely. So I am hoping and thinking about you and your path - some things we share and others not - wishing you love and support along your way. Dawn

Points 4 and 6 well-taken. Thanks for explaining.

Your story reminds me of an older woman I met when I was in high school. By that time I had repressed my true identity and was in full denial. I came to find out this woman was transgender and that she had a sex change. Sadly, I distanced myself from her when I should have befriended her. I sure needed a friend back then that I could confide in. It was about 15 years later that I'd find another such friend and begin to openly discuss my gender identity. ​ Thank you for sharing.

Thanks to all for your kind wishes and advice. Makes a lot of sense to me. I was surprised to see that my photo of Peanut was gone so I re-added it. Yeah, I'm feeling better. It's funny how our feelings come and go. My wife called me on New Years Eve while she was driving to a friend's for dinner. I was I'm bed, reading, and she heard the sadness in my voice. She called me back yesterday morning to check in which helped. I had cooked a pot roast on New Years that I bought at Trader Joe's. It didn't taste nearly as good as hers. It was overdone and tough. She told me how to cook it even more at a very low temp for three hours, in a bath of wine, mushroom soup (Campbell's) and beef broth. Wow, it was much better last night and I have another serving ready for tonight. She called me again yesterday evening to see if I was okay. My therapist has advised that I need external affirmation way too much and I think she is correct. I wrote a list of self-affirmations that I slowly read to myself every morning in the hopes that I'll develop more internal resources for when I need them. I do it but I'm not sure it helps much. I think we know that this mental stuff is pretty challenging. I also read this to myself every morning: A Guide to Fear Mastery It helps, but doesn't help much when I am feeling so low. I do subscribe to the notion that mindfulness is a good practice. But wow, is it easy to say and hard to do! Love to all, Emma

Being a moderator just means we have to set an example, as in following the rules... stuff like that. Doesn't mean we can't hurt, and come looking for someone to lean on. The way I see it... our hurts and heartache ain't all our fault. And it never will be until society changes for the better. Big hugs to you, Emma. I'm glad you're feeling better. -Michael

The thing with being a constant cheerleader vs. being real is...you present a false image of perfection that other people believe in and wonder why they can't achieve. I firmly believe showing both the good and joyous as well as the down sides does far, far more good for others. There is great comfort in knowing that we are not alone that things go wrong in life, and we're not along in our negative feelings as well as pour positive ones, and we're not along that it's hard. I think only ever being positive and happy is too easy, to unreal and unattainable, and actually potentially damaging to people who wonder why they can't attain that endless perfect happiness. Don't be so hard on yourself. And one overriding theme I have learned about in my 'what is this all about' is that the entire thing is living authentically. Authentic isn't always good. It's real. ti's up, down, hard, easy, joyous, sad, frustrating, hopeful, it's the whole package. There will be time to be excited about the future after you've had a chance to settle your feelings. A divorce is a huge thing, even for people who want it. Endings are never what we think they will be, and we always have to process our feelings about them. And there is a world of difference between what we think it will be and we will feel and what actually happens. You did the best thing you could do. You got dressed up, you went out, had as much fun as you could, and it's okay if you don't feel super happy right now while you're processing. Some days will be amazing, some will be sad, but you have to just feel your way through them to get the full human experience. Dont' beat yourself up about what you think you should be feeling, just feel what you do and do the best you can with it! ​Fighting the blue feeligns in my experience just makes it worse. Talking them out and pushing through them worked for me, just find what works for you and go for it! *hugs*

I seem to have made it through the holidays in one piece and without going into a deep funk. I did it by pretty much sticking to a normal routine and staying busy--not hard with a house and two dogs. I was invited over to Christmas dinner and again today on New Year's Day by my neighbors, Dave and Jeanie. I was the only guest for the first dinner. Today, I was joined by another neighbor who lives next door to D & J, and with whom they have an on-again, off-again relationship. He wasn't drinking tonight so that made a difference, but still the evening felf strained. Also, dinner was awful, no other word to describe it. The corn on the cob was good, but that was it. Jeanie is not the best cook on a good day, at least to my palate. Anyway, I did my duty. I will be happy to be home on my own the rest of the week. I made a big pot of beef borscht yesterday. I found the recipe in the paper, and I haven't had borscht in a long time, so I thought what the heck. It is somewhat of a process to make--lots of chopping--but the end result was great. It was fun to do as well. I did some work-work over the holidays, but I did take some time off too--need to recharge. I got a couple fo gift cards from by step-kids, so I bought a new pair of walking shoes that I can wear when prospecting--after all, I do walk for a living. They are dressy enough to wear with work-casual. I also bought a couple of things for me at Target that had been marked down--a pair of velvety lounge pants, a crushed velvet bath robe, and a chenille cardigan sweater. It didn't break the bank, and they are things I have been wanting to buy for a long time. I am happy with what I got. So, on to the year ahead. My boss wants me to be #1 in new accounts opened this year--I think I can do it. My goal is four for January. Very possible. I'll keep everyone up-to-date. Happy New Year to all..

Point 4. My lowest selling book has sold 6 copies. that would be one, two, three, four, five and six. What are the odds that someone have been one of the 6 purchasers are in fact someone who is on this blog? Point 6, low readership on this board? again presumption that i refer to someone else other then my own readers. I know exactly how many people read my blogs. Buy my books and read my writings. I do not presume that they are works of Shakespeare or Daniel Steel. My numbers of readers speak for themselves. This however, has nothing to do with this board, blog or readership. You assume injury where none is present. You assume insult where none is intent. However, I still thank you for your comments and thank you for reading. You are welcome upon this journey of learning and transformation that I walk upon. Hail fellow traveler. Well met!

Hello TransFormation... and welcome to TG Guide. I'm usually pretty bad about welcoming new members - thank god the women around here take up the slack in that department. But on occasion, a new member will come in with something that reels me in. This is a very open and welcoming board - mind you, it is not restricted to only those who are transgender or intersex. Instead, we fly just about every flag imaginable - including the flags that cisgender and gay people walk under. We include family, friend, ally and on occasion have even tolerated foe if it meant exposing truth, or trying to share enlightenment. There has even been one member who was not trans, whom we later decided was simply using this board as a testing ground for a novel or something. All that said, I have to admit that I don't always read blog entries either. Once again, I must be humbly and ever so grateful for some of the insatiable readers that roam these halls. A person has to come up with a pretty catchy blog title for me to put on the brakes and stop in for a while and check things out. I hope you take no offense as none is intended, but your username and Jackie Gleason-like proclamation caught my eye. Now to the meat of my introduction: 1. About half your entry is all about making sure we know you will give up no details about the woman of whom you speak. I commend you on your respect to her status as trans. I hope you will soon come to learn that respecting one's identity is the number one rule among trans and [and usually] among gay people. We do not out anyone, and those who do become a kind of pariah. What one chooses to share with us is wholey up to the individual. We, of all people, on such a site, need no such castigation. 2. Perhaps in time you will learn that it's really not necessary to announce your sexual preference/orientation. Before reading, "I am heterosexual," I had already assumed as much. As a rule, the only people who assume they will be perceived as gay are those who harbour homophobic tendancies, and/or do not believe/respect 100% that a trans woman is a woman, or that a trans man is a man. 3. In that despite your privileged status as a straight, white man, you apparently ARE subjected to some degree of unacceptance - a Frenchman who is percieved to have turned his back on his people, his culture, his heritage in being English-educated. Magnify whatever slights you have noted by 1,000 times, and you will then understand the great degree of unacceptance we endure 24/7/365. I believe if you endured that level of unacceptance, your blog entry would no doubt have a very different tone. Or at least reason for existence. 4. You are either clairvoyant or highly presumptuous in stating that no one here has ever heard of your books let alone read them, or never seen your blog. I wonder why you believe this. Do you believe trans people to be less intelligent? Perhaps we cannot afford your books? Have you determined what we are or are not interested in? 5. I'm not a woman....and I can't help but think I have an idea why she left you - the writing is, on the wall so-to-speak. Just above, in your blog entry. The answers are all there the way I see it. My apologies in advance if I am being presumptuous. Or wrong. I've been known to find my own foot in my own mouth. 6. Or are you another come here looking for more fodder to fuel the writing juices? After all, you do so bluntly comment how low readership is on this board. Makes me wonder why you are REALLY here... -Mike

it'it's definitely true that transitioning doesn't fix everything that might have been "wrong" before, but I think it's also true that living authentically can make it a lot easier to work through those things. I thought back over 2017 myself and realized that where before I just felt "not right" I can now see more clearly what things I need to work on, and also to recognize my strengths, all of which makes me more confident in my ability to grow as a woman and as a person ☺ Happy new year!!!! Xoxo Chrissy

Hi Lori and Chrissy, Thank you so much for your kind support. I feel better today, pretty much back to my old self. Depression like that is so uncomfortable but I guess it's common? I went out with a girlfriend last night for a glass of wine; her companionship helped me a lot. She also bought a Christmas present for me: a Glassy Baby candle "jar" (I guess it's called) that is hand blown. I have been wondering where my depression comes from. It all feels the same. It might be the hormones but for some reason I don't think so, at least not yet. Yes, I feel sadness about my divorce and some loneliness too. I do think that overall it's my gender dysphoria rearing its head. It's as if the euphoria that I've been experiencing the last few months has died down and I'm left with "okay, now what?" I've often read that many people realize during their transition that it's no panacea, they carry the same baggage they had before, just in a different gender. Honestly, I expected that. But then again it seems like a shock to feel the way I have been. Thankfully I have a meeting scheduled with my therapist this Wednesday morning. Lots to talk about! Best wishes to all and hopes for a wonderful 2018, Emma

Big hugs to you Emma. We all go through emotional struggles and the holidays can intensify those emotions for many of us. It's just fine to have a moment where you're not "all together." I have plenty of those times. Love the beautiful cat! They make great companions.

Emma, I'm sorry you're feeling down 😞 I certainly don't think you have anything to feel guilty about, moderator or not. Hopefully sharing helped a little, and it will no doubt help others to see the full range of experiences that we go through in transitioning (and life in general!). Having a divorce finalized is tough - I went through that awhile back too. In my case the divorce was prompted by my coming out as a gay male, it left me with a lot of guilty feelings. I hope you're doing ok! Xoxo Chrissy

Excellent point, Karen, thank you. My electrologist has said this too and I forgot to take care that I was well hydrated.

In regards to pain of electrolysis, back when I was undergoing treatment I learned that not being well hydrated would cause discomfort. In recent months I've been having facial dermaplaning done which is extremely painful if the technician is not well versed with preparing their patient as what happened to me several years ago when I first underwent the procedure while in recent times the technician uses a completely different numbing agent and no pain is felt for the most part and even when felt is manageable. I would think (knowing that I've had my face done) the same pretty much applies to having facial hair removed. And the dentist numbing for me was a must for my upper lip area. What we go through to look feminine and even for cisgender females, men have no clue