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I am late in commenting, but I feel for you, Emma. Life is a roller-coaster, isn't it? Another Grateful Dead lyric: Sometimes the light's all shining on me, and sometimes I can barely see. You know it will get better. Keep on pushing. Big hug in the meanwhile.

Thanks to Monica, Michelle, Dawn, and everyone, As I ran an errand to Lowe’s today I thought about how much better I feel today than some days ago and I can’t explain what’s different. In some ways with experience I feel less anxious about presenting as myself and that helps. Maybe it’s also that I’m making some new connections here locally. Perhaps also I am making slow progress on my house, yesterday re-hanging a bathroom door after refinishing, it looks awesome!! Or maybe it’s partly due to my therapist’s suggestion that I keep a daily “Awe List” where I’m to record things that I stand in awe of each day. I’ve been doing that since last Wednesday. It’s fun to play that game of wanting to add things to the list. I don’t know why but maybe it doesn’t matter: I’m feeling a lot better!

I was thinking (always a dangerous thing) yesterday as I wandered around my backyard about my life as it stands now. I obviously have spent my whole life getting to this point, and as the Grateful Dead sing: What a long, strange trip it's been.Being truly on my own for the first time--ever--is an amazing experience, and I have the opportunity to live out my remaining years as I choose. It's all on me now. I find that refreshing. So far, I have not felt any overwhelming loneliness--which I understand can kill you as bad a smoking. I am so used to working on my own whether it be around the house or on the job. I don't seem to have a lot of spare time, but I am going to make sure I carve out time for me. My wife has not been gone that long, and I do have some down times, but I am able to snap out of it. Maybe I'm just cut out to be alone. There are advantages such as no one telling you what to do or that you did it wrong--like Chrissie Hynde sings in her song. You can tell that I get a lot of my life's philosophy from songs. I have no interest in dating at this point nor do I foresee that ever happening. I have no room in my house now for another person--there is very little closet space. As you know, being a crossdresser takes a lot of room since I have two wardrobes. So, all in all, life isn't bad. My body is still functioning although my age is beginning to show and my eyesight is not as good as it once was. I'll keep barreling ahead as long as I can. We'll see what the new year brings.

Dear Emma, Absolutely love your latest photograph of "Miss Peanut." Wish I could have a pet, but I can't due to allergies. Thank you for being a wonderful friend! Yours, Monica

Thanks as always for your comments. You are all special to me.

I hear you on the changes! I'm going to turn 46 soon, but am starting to notice more and more things, one of them also being eyesight. I really need to make an optometry appointment once I get things settled down (In the middle of a complicated life trajectory change my spouse sprung on me, Nikki likes suprises. LOL). I'm very sorry about your loss, and happy to see you are embracing your new life changes and making them work for you!

i like the way you think, you have remarkable clarity. I had a lot of major changes last year too. I feel okay now but sometimes I wonder how it will be. The last couple of weeks were pretty rough. “What will be will be, the future’s not ours to see.”

Dear Emma and Friends, We ALL have "down times" and feel the "blues." Sometimes we don't always know why. When I feel blue, I go to a comedy club (I sit in the back because I don't want to be part of the show when I am blue) and it really helps me. Just a suggestion. Thank you for being there for all of us! Your friend, Monica

I was born a woman in a mans body. I've known this since my earliest memory but growing up during the 70s and 80s in Southern California and being raised by two very conservative parents made life heartbreaking and filled with pain. I wasn't strong enough to go against my parents and now at the young age of 50 it's still difficult. I think about how different my life will become and it excites me to think that one day I'll be able to transform into the woman I've always hidden from the public. It's going to take a lot of work—surgical and hormonal— but the end result for me will be liberating and glorious. When I was younger I would wear my sisters dresses as often as I could. One day in my sophomore year of high school my mother caught me in a dress. I spent the next two years in counseling being told it was unacceptable to feel the way I did. In 1986 when I graduated from high school I was forced by my parents to enlist in the United States Army in order to make me a man. I retired after serving 25 years. During my career I fought the urge to be who I was inside. I married three times but that never lasted. I was always jealous of my wives. I wanted to be a wife too. I've begun the necessary steps to happiness. Will it be easy? Absolutely not but anything this important shouldn't be an easy process to traverse. I have several roadblocks ahead of me; weight loss, the looks I'll get when coming out in public for the first time (I'm 6'3" 250 lbs) but I even though I know tough times are ahead I'm still driven to become the woman I was born to be. ​I quit my job and moved 1,400 miles to Seattle with the hopes of finding a job where I can transition and continue on with becoming Olivia.This will be the first of many blogs depicting my journey.I hope you'll join me by following in on this new grand adventure.