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Ever wondered what it takes to get on a bus? The fears and scary parts explained and how eventually I overcame them. For some this is not a problem, those with the strongest of characters who really want the world to know about who they are, but for many integrating and becoming the person you really are without any fuss and bother it's a different story. Many years ago the first hurdle apart from the big step of going out of the front door as the real me, was getting on the bus. For those just beginning the journey from one gender to the other, this can be terrifying and once you have managed it thats when you know you have really begun your transition. My preparation was always the best, but my confidence wasn't great so every day I found myself in the position of taking the terrifying journey and this is where strength of character comes in. So you are ready to face the world in the new you and hope no one is going to give you a second glance, because in many ways that is what you are trying to achieve. There you are stood at the bus stop waiting for the bus hoping that no one notices you, and then someone turns to you and asks, "Do you have the time please." Now hang on, who doesn't have a watch or a mobile (cell) phone with a big display on it? Its often a good indication that they want to hear your voice, they have looked at you and wondered....is that a man or a woman? The best way to overcome it is to to nod and show them you watch/phone and smile if you're not happy with how your voice sounds. Of course the bus stop is often where people talk to each other, (years ago before smartphones and everyone was a bit more social) so when the bus arrives its a bit of a relief, or is it. I suppose its a lot easier now with electronic passes, no words have to be uttered but when I was just starting out, talking was necessary....So you ask for your fare....city centre please.....then once you have your ticket you turn and face the all the passengers, desperately trying to find a seat .....EVERYONE is looking at ME.....no they're not, but thats what it feels like. Seat found, head down ....please don't talk to me. I have one of those ...faces. I always sit next to the most talkative person on the bus, it happens often. But then there is the other parts, people looking at YOU....they know, they've spotted me, they know I'm trans and they are looking at me, talking about me.....OMG. The fears of the newbie are immense, in an enclosed space with all these people and THEY KNOW. No, probably they haven't even seen you, but the fear is there all the same. Seat selection is important, inside seat you have to ask (if you are polite that is) to '"Excuse me please." So outside seats are easier (just don't speak to me). If the bus is crowded the next step is to get off the damn bus, ding the bell and hope that its going to be the stop everyone else alights too. If not, it can be a struggle as it might be necessary to say ...excuse me several times. The point of all this? I had realised than when I could get on the bus, face the 'crowd', find a seat, talk to my fellow passengers and get off the bus with no problem, that is when I knew I was on my way to being happy with my transition. Thats when you know you have begun to integrate the new you and made it. Overcoming the fears isn't easy but when I realised that probably no one was really looking at me, no one really noticed anything different about me, it drew less attention anyway. The voice I have found is a powerful delimiter in that you can use the voice to confuse anyone. if you are able to sound like the gender you present, then any unwanted attention seems to be lessened and I found I could overcome many uncomfortable situations. I hope that you have found this interesting and helpful.

I learned just a few minutes ago that Monica's birthday was last Friday, 1/19. Birthdays are a big deal, especially for those of us who're contending with being trans, lesbian, disabled, ... And heck, we keep getting OLDER. I'll not advertise Monica's age, will leave that up to her to divulge. That said this year is a milestone for her. Monica was the first to great me, with warmth and sincerity, when I joined TGG about 3 1/2 years ago. That was such a difficult time for me. It seemed clear that I was trans but I didn't really know enough to be 100% positive. I'd come out to my wife who was devastated. I was in a bad way, somehow found TG Guide, and Monica was there for me. I greatly appreciate Monica's steadfast support and friendship. Please join in and wish her a Happy New Year and wonderful Birthday! Love to all, Emma P.S. For fun, more photos of my BFF, Miss Peanut:

Great feeling isn't it? I am pleased that my blog has given you encouragement and hope. I have just had a visit to my doorstep of two 'Witnesses' and while I am not into their version of religion, I am a Spiritualist and we had a good conversation about our different views.....they never had an idea I am trans, its something I keep very well under wraps, totally stealth. My voice is indiscernible now from any other woman, eventually they had to go, I had talked them into oblivion. Thats the power of getting the voice correct, great tool to have in your armoury. Any other help I can offer please ask, I have many achievements and adventures and if any of the experience can aid someone I would be delighted to describe how I overcame the problems.

Yes, VERY interesting and useful. I’m very early in my transition (almost 6 months) and well remember my fears of riding the metro train to the downtown area for my weekly voice lessons. It’s no big deal now; I’m grateful for that. Now that I’ve read your thoughts I feel a contentment that my transition is going well too.

Happy birthday Monica! You are a lovely person to chat with, and I hope your birthday is absolutely awesome!

Monica, you are a WONDERFUL person! I'm grateful for your participation here at TGGuide. I hope you had a very happy birthday.

Dear Emma, Lori and Briannah, Thank you for your birthday wishes. Am proudly age 60. Emma, I love the pictures of your cat. Will be writing about this milestone soon. Yours truly, Monica

Dear NotAllowed and Emma, Have noticed that there is a more "rough crowd" riding the bus and subway, as well as visiting the library, As for the bus, I try to ride as close as possible to the driver (in the front). In the subway, I try to ride in the FIRST card (by the conductor) but I notice that there are more "conductor-less" cars, but I would still try to ride in the first car. In the library, I try to use the computer/tables as close to the librarians at the front desk as possible. Always carry a "Five Star Responder," by Great Call (www.greatcall.com) and if I press the "panic button" for 5 seconds or less, I get a trained operator, and if I press it for 6 seconds or more, I get BOTH the operator and police. Also,my exact location shows up on the operator's and police's map. Just before I wrote this, I was harassed by two Latina/Hispanic young women (for what reason, I don't know) and had to report them to the librarian. This is one of the reasons I am saving up to get my own computer, so I don't have to go to the library as often. Hate using the public computer as I feel so vulnerable. The trans- and homophobia here in upstate New York is so oppressive! Yours truly, Monica

Yes, it is a great feeling. I've recently adopted a mantra that helps me a lot: Whenever we feel fear we're up against a kind of wall... on the other side of the wall is a kind of freedom. I feel these fears fairly often and use the freedom I know I'll feel to motivate me to climb the wall and jump to the other side. I have another trans friend (Joanna Santos, Toronto) who also moves about society in complete stealth. Like you, she taught herself about her voice. I'd love to hear your thoughts on how you achieved that. My voice coach is wonderful and I hope to "graduate" within a couple of months. It's pretty expensive and, I believe, I am steadily improving on playing my "instrument" (as she calls it) and will be able to at least join the junior orchestra. That said I'm lucky to live where I am, in Seattle. I dress nicely and appropriately and even though I doubt I pass anyone's scrutiny everyone is very nice to me. My goals for having a truly feminine voice are to remove a cognitive dissonance I feel when I hear myself speak, and to help people I meet more automatically gender me appropriately. And yet, the wall of a passable voice is quite steep and tall for me.

So realtor lady after breaking the news gently that we'd missed the pricing bubble and our house was worth less than we hoped, said that we would know if she'd set the right price point, should have at least one showing a week. So we set it, and our first week is now over (went up Monday). We've had three. No ​offers yet, but I think I would be really surprised if my house sold in five days or less. But I really want it to sell asap. But that's good news, people are taking the time to go look at it, not just looking at it online. I really need this to go smoothly and fast, I need to move outta here and get back in my own space. With my things. Girl time for Nikki, he can't exactly do that here. Alone time for me. Logic and reason ruling the house again. And my poor cat is frazzled, she's always trying to pet him. She's a cat person. But my cat is a one human cat, he only really wants to interact with me. He'll tolerate Nikki's attentions, but he only really wants attention from Nikki he's angry and punishing me, he's always been like that since a kitten. Didnt' want my son, Nikki, or even his sister to mess with him, only me. So he's really not happy right now. Poor little guy. Lizard, as ever, is chill and doesnt' care what is going on as long as she gets her food and heat. Dog ​is happy that she's literally never alone right now. Nikki's dealing better than me, but he gets more time outta the house, although I do have a part time job now for either a month or indefinitely, I'm so confused and different people keep telling me different things. I'm sorta worried it's gonna last eleven years, since the last time I accepted a brief temp job through nepotism it did just that. I actually temped for Nikki, and did so well at it that other people in the office asked me to come in for them, which lead to three days a week starting this week. I sorta hope it's just the month, so that i can re-earn my savings to pay movers (the rains came, flooded, and broke the furnace and it ate up my movers fund). If it's longer, I'll take it of course and do my best, to reflect well on Nikki, but dang I liked my happy vagrant housewife life. LOL

I hope yours turns out as well! And that the getting it ready is as painless as possible! It's the first time I ever sold a house, so... it was a wee bit overwhelming. I don't do well with first time situations. Summer is a great time in my neighborhood too, you get the college kids whose parents realize buying a house for four years is acdtually cheaper than the dorms at the local SERIOUSLY overpriced university.

Good luck Briannah! I'm preparing to place a house on the market. I'd rather wait for summer but a life situation is pushing for a faster sale. It is a rental property, so nobody worry about me being homeless. Hope all turns out well for your sale. ​

The younger set wear a lot of padded and shaping bras. You don't see very many of this demographic using forms, as most of them can't afford the really good cosmetic ones (and I have seen REALLY GOOD ones, but they cost nearly a thousand: there is dissention here, Nikki says apiece I thought it was for the set) and tend to wear clothing that would show it a little on the top and sometimes sides. One that spans all age demographics that I know of is the chicken cutlets, those little silicone pad things that even you out. One of the many things they don't tell us about our physical development, very few women are actually truly symmetrical(although I think most are close enough it's not an issue). Quite a few are so asymmetrical that we have two separate cup sizes, and it can be awkward since for whatever reason the manufacturing industry of bras refuses to deal with this reality. Jerks. You'd think it wouldn't be that hard to make ribcage sized harnesses with eyelet hooks and separate cups so each woman can get what's needed. I vary with c and d, but I know one woman who has a b and d, and due to other medical issues is not a candidate for either implant or reduction surgery. So I learned that it could be worse, don't complain. LOL I imagine this would also be a thing for some transwomen as genetics does their unpredictable things.​ However, my understanding of the breast forms origin is for the ugly issue of breast cancer and removal of one or both breasts. And quite a few people of all genders fall prone to that ugly disease. And society unfortunately judges women by the size of our chests still, and removing them entirely was socially traumatic on top of the physical and emotional trauma. So there are unfortunately MANY cisgender women sport them for that purpose. The numbers are slowly going down thankfully, as early detection, advances in medication, and lumpectomy surgeries become reliable alternatives to mastectomy surgery with equal survival rates, at least among those with breasts, as those without often don't detect it early enough. Some find emotional comfort in not seeing a reminder in the mirror, others find social relief by not looking dramatically different in public. Although several do the cloth forms for the same reason Emma spoke of, either early after the surgery during the healing process, or permanently if the scars are sensitive. There are a scattered few I know of that use the forms that give you one extra size and fit over your breast, but without exception the ones I know are extremely vain and unable to afford implants, as it's quite hot and uncomfortable to wear them around the breast. I have to wrap my equalizer cutlet in cloth, or I get a nasty skin rash from it personally. Nikki once asked if I'd be willing to play around with them for fun time, and I was like NOPE, not getting massive rashes for that. Wisely dropped the issue. Nikki is fortunate that the irritation and heat doesn't do much to his skin beyond somewhat irritating sweat that can just be wiped away as needed, and can use them for long periods when girl mode lasts a while. If he had my skin, it would be truly ugly. He prefers the forms for the sense of weight in addition to the shape I believe. And I think he likes that i can use them to prop my head up when we're watching a movie, more realistic feel than a cloth set that would just sorta go down like pillows if I tried that. When he's in girl mode I still go outta my way to physically interact like I did when I was dating women for the small moments, and I don't think that would work with cloth, so another reason I'm glad he can use forms, he gets more outta it. Sometimes I think I go overboard trying to hard, but he says it makes him happy, so I'm not gonna get an Emmy, but I have a happy spouse. I wonder if some of the cancer victims also find that comforting? I'm not sure how I would feel about it if I ever pop a positive on that and it becomes an issue. I suspect it would be cloth forms for me due to my overly irritable skin. I'm also not sure how well I would adjust to a massive physical change like that, I'm clumsy. Even being on crutches when I twisted my knee and bound around my waist so I couldn't bend after abdominal was dramatically crazy for me until I healed, I injured myself and Nikki in the goofiest ways trying to adapt. I do know a girl who had a double, and she loves it(had massive back issues, and was considering reduction once she'd saved enough), but she did tell me there was a balance learning curve after the surgery.

It's been a few days since I've added anything, so I thought it is time. I have been keeping pretty busy with work and have opened two new accounts this year so far. I have three more ready to go before the end of the month which puts me on track to meet my next milestone. This is a good one since it comes with an $i800 bonus, and I can certainly use the cash. I may have mentioned that my District Coordinator wants me to be the #1 account opener in our market this year--I think I can make it. Yesterday I had implant surgery. I had an appointment for a consult along with my routine cleaning , and as it turned out the dentist had a cancellation, so I thought I might as well go for it. It will help save three of my back teeth and restore my chewing on that side, so I think it will be worth it. I am lucky to have plenty of bone in my jaw so that no bone grafts were necessary. It was somewhat painful even with the novacaine, but I had little pain afterwards, so I'm happy about that. My next big expense will be my two poodles and their visit to the vet. As you can see, I need to keep working! No more feminine shopping for the time being--Michelle will have to wait. She is not hurting anyway--LOL. Later.

Dear Michelle Lea, In the future, you may want to consider I.V. sedation. It costs a little more, but it is worth it. Luckily, it is included in my dental insurance. Proud of your excellent progress on the job! Sounds like your boss really believes in you! Good for you for taking such good care of you and your "furry children"! Hope you get them microchips. My nephew and his wife refused to microchip their dog (even though it costs only 25 dollars) and last Christmas their dog got away from us and I almost slipped on some black ice trying to catch it! LOL! Your friend, Monica