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Although I live my life as a woman and am comfortable doing just about anything I still experience moments of gender dysphoria. For example, a couple of weeks ago I had a women's clothing "party" at my home where a clothing line's representative presented this Fall's new clothing to myself and four other women. All of us are friends but I was so on edge, comparing myself to them, wondering how much of an imposter I was actually perceived to be. Although I ordered some pretty clothes I was pretty down for the rest of the day and through the following. I talked about my feelings with everyone - individually - in the coming days. I was surprised to learn that all were also very self-conscious, also comparing themselves to the others. A couple even compared themselves to me as I'm slimmer than them. But my neighbor (Jill) said she wasn't self-conscious at all. She's pretty, about 40, and trim. But is she 'perfect'? No, but she's a delight in every way. Jill said that she decided that she's not going to compare herself, fret about any aspect of herself that she doesn't like to see in the mirror. And that got me thinking. This past Saturday I hiked by myself up Mt. Si (pronounced: "sigh") which is east of Seattle. I had plenty of time to think while hiking the 8 miles to the summit and back which involves 3,100' elevation gain. I thought about Jill's advice. "Rock what you got" came to mind. After all, I chose my middle name "Joy" to copy a young woman's middle name that I knew about 50 years ago. She was pretty and young, a little chubby with thin blonde hair, and introduced herself as "Barbara Joy-to-the-world!". So yeah, let's rock! I also love CSNY's song "Love the One You're With" and it occurs to me that we can turn the lyrics toward ourselves. We are with ourselves of course... all the time. So, I like that too. So with that in mind I went to The Rack yesterday to buy a pair of black dress shoes to go with a black dress I'm going to wear to a formal dinner later this month. As I wandered the aisles I marveled about how much fear I felt about a year ago when a girlfriend took me to the store. Now, I'm just another shopper, enjoying a fun time. Yes, I found my shoes in size 11! $49!!! Below are a couple of photos. One is my cat, Peanut, playing in the bag from yesterday's shopping spree, and the other I took last night doing my impression of Einstein's famous photo.

This is yet another instalment in the continuing saga of Michelle Lea. As those of you who have been following along may know, I sold my house. It is now under contract with a closing date of October 2. I have had to jump through a few hoops in the matter of repairs to get the deal done, but now it looks like everything is on track--although my realtor tells me that it's not over until the money is in the bank. Nevertheless, I took the plunge, and last week I purchased a mobile home for the princely sum of $15,000. I was going to rent, but I wasn't finding anything that I was willing to afford, and this seemed like just what I was looking for at this point. My primary objective is to cut my overhead so that I can add to savings instead of taking out of savings to live. I will still have some monthly payments in the form of a lot fee, but it is $686, and I think I can swing that. It's cheap living for sure. Now we'll see how I like living in a 55+ community. Hopefully, my neighbours--I have a British spell check-- keep mostly to themselves. If it is awful, I can always sell or rent it and move on, but I think it will be fine. When I say, "leap of faith," what I mean is that I put $5000 down so that I can start moving my stuff during the month of September, and be totally moved in by the end of September. I will pay the balance with the proceeds of the sale of my house. That is the plan. We'll hope for the best.

Well, knew then I just had to check this out further. During the next couple of years ( 7th and 8th grades) I found myself home alone for a few hours every day after school, and while others my age were home doing school homework I was doing my own "girl work". Always had straight A's in school, never had to study much, but paid close attention to a lot. You might say both school work and girl work came naturally to me. My sister was 16 years old, I spent whatever free time I could dressing up and trying on her make up before anyone came home and loving my new-found inner peace. Her lingerie, shoes and dresses were a perfect fit! And the makeup always felt just right, too. Oh, I still did what the other boys did too, play basketball, football, always excelled in just about everything, too. But my favorite pastime was being a girl. Even had a few girlfriends , non-sexual of course, and loved being around them. Made me feel pretty! There was a time when one noticed some mascara or eyeliner on me (apparently I didn't remove it all) and I just fibbed that my sister applied it once because she liked how my lashes looked. I remember thinking I had to be more careful in the future! And I was. I thought...…… Sis came home from school early one day and found some of her clothes and makeup out, and me locked in the bathroom. Never undressed and washed so quickly, came out and pleaded for her not to tell Mom and Dad. Later that evening Dad calls me into the bedroom and asks me if I wanted to be a girl. I could talk to a shrink if I wanted to. (SHRINK?...no one's gonna shrink my brain) not on my watch at least! That was also the era of shock treatments, lobotomies, and institutions. I wasn't going anywhere! " Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, Dad; that was the only time! " was my answer. Put that to bed real quick and didn't start feeling like a girl again until my college days. Never was depressed about it, rarely thought about it either, accepted that is the way things are. 💔

I've Always WONDERED IF, too. But don't think that would have been the right time for me. Just would never forget it and had a deep down feeling when the time was right it would happen. Still wished it happened sooner in my life, but OH WELL!

I love it how we think about our lives and others and what we do affects and guides others. Nice common thread!

Yes, I've always looked back, too . Got real good at hiding it too; but am now working hard to not hiding it and looking forward for a change.❣️

Yes am learning that. Thank you

Dear Jessica and Christy, Years ago, I babysat for a little girl and her brother. One day, while playing, he asked if he could dress as a girl (he was about four). Allowed him, he and his sister played as if two sisters, and the next time I babysat for them, I asked if he wanted to dress as a girl again. Was a teenager then, and I knew nothing about transgender issues. Felt relieved he did not want to dress as a girl again, and apparently he "got it out of his system." Never told their parents. Have the ability to sense gender energy, as well as "future sexual orientation energy," and I sensed he would grow up heterosexual and a man. He was just exploring, and I think children should be allowed explore. Felt as a result I was "cool" about it, that I helped him affirm that he was heterosexual and will grow up to be a man. How would I handled it if I picked up that he was going to grow up to become a woman or a homosexual man? Probably I would have said nothing, as I was aware of my gift but did not understand it. All I could do was describe what I was "seeing," and cause upset and confusion among the parents. By the time I was a teen, I only shared my gift in life and death circumstances, and only by describing what I saw. Tried to help others by seeking a "natural" explanation to what I was seeing. The transgender community has helped me to understand my gift. For that, I will always be grateful. Your friend, Monica

Dear Emma and Christy, Sadly, in Tampa Bay and upstate NY, I feel money and looks ("lookism") is important to the Lesbian community. (Interestingly enough, I didn't see this in the Lesbian community in Brooklyn, NY!) This gave me permission to be more inclusive towards Lesbian transwomen. Some would call me poor (monthly income, $857.00), and fat (269 lbs. at 5'8"), but I focus on that I am not seeking a "sugar mama," and despite many attempts at weight loss, I have adrenal fatigue, as a result of post encephalitis syndrome, preventing weight loss. Be aware on what you can "bring to the table," and what your true needs are. Have many friends who are poorer and fatter than I am, and vice versa. Your friend, Monica

Sounds like a terrific plan to me, Michelle. You gotta live somewhere and $686/month is pretty low. Best wishes on a smooth sale of your house and fun times setting up your new home!