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I have been reffered to a therapist My ins sucks so I don't have many options for them. Anyway I am supposed to here from them in a day or two. I hope that therapy will help me. I have a lot of issues not just my Dysphoria that I need to deal with. My Dysphoria is a very big one. But also the fact that I was shamed as a child for being me. Which leads to me shaming myself. Also the fact that the biggest supporter of me in my life was my older Brother who was taken from me tragically on Oct 12th 2016 in a motorcycle accident on the highway. And the fact that my ex totally mentally abused me for years. I also have been thinking of going to a support group for trans and non binary individuals it is held on the 14th Sunday of the month. So hopefully my ex can take out boy for a few hours so I can go. She said she is supportive of me but Idk I have heard that one before. Anyways I am hoping to feel better with myself because I need to be there for my son. And he is my number one goal in life to raise him to be accepting and caring. I see so much of myself in him. He is a caring sweet little boy. I also see at times his mother coming out and him being very hurtful at times and I know he is 4 but I want To stop that cycle now while I can hopefully. He is I think just torn to a point and doesn't know how to deal with his emotions because he is 4 he is very smart for his age almost too smart at times for his own good. I'm hoping that something will help and give me peace. Also I just said screw it and posted a transgender awareness video to my Facebook account. Hoping to maybe that will shed some light on things to my family and friends. My sister had posted a very hurtful message to me on a comment I made in my sister in-laws post so I blocked her. She is too hurtful to me. She has been since I was about 12. I have as little contact with her as possible taking steps to become the person I need to be and trying to be happy. It is challenging to say the least.

I tried meds several times over the decades where I was going to therapists for depression but not confessing my "shameful" feelings about my gender. After making a serious suicide attempt about 2.5 years ago my therapist insisted I go see a psychiatrist or he'd have me committed. For the first time (to a psychiatrist) I came clean and we started trying drugs and eventually hit on something that's been remarkably helpful - for me. Here again, speaking only for myself, it was like I had to gain a new mindset about meds and what they do. In years past I'd hoped that the pill would clear the depression and life would go on, depression-free. Of course, that didn't work. I finally (perhaps as a result of finally receiving a drug that was effective for me) discovered that I really did have two things going on: 1) a problem in my brain chemistry that was addressed, thank goodness, and 2) my shame and fear around my gender dysphoria which has also much improved after transitioning, HRT, and living more authentically. It's all so complicated especially for adults like us who've developed coping habits that, to some extent, we also have to undo. I suppose those habits are still with me but I do seem to be getting better, with a happiness and peace that I've never in my life felt before.

I have a referral pending for a therapist. My Dr prescribed me another med for my depression. We will see how this helps or not. I know in my heart who I am and just don't know if I am strong enough to live the way I want to. But only time will tell. All I know is I am tired of hiding my true self. And tired of having to pretend to be something that I am not. I am very over emotional right now. And it's not good at all.

I wonder if the people who are the nastiest are men, women, or if it’s roughly the same. I suspect it’s men. We all know how men are so afraid of women. In my experience cis women have been very supportive of me. Trans women are too but it’s less clear. On the other hand if women are acting scared or threatened by you then maybe they’re not seeing you for the woman that you are. This is where I think Chrissy is so correct. If you can show a level of confidence (not arrogance!) and female body language (especially walking and standing) I suspect their attitudes will change. Your being you becomes harder to deny. All this is indeed tiring, no doubt about it. Some of it is what all women have to deal with. Some of it is reserved for transgender prejudices. Very hard to tell the difference! Walk, standing straight and proud, not folded over like men. Go ahead and swing your arms but don’t limp your wrist in an affected manner. Dress appropriately for the climate and social scene. Check out what other women are wearing and if you like their style make mental notes to emulate them. Smile! It’s harder to scoff at someone when they’re smiling and happy.

My wife used to often make such observations too, as if she was my personal coach. She said that crossing my legs at the knees, fluttering my hands while speaking, standing with hands crossed, so many things, made me appear effeminate and would cause people to think I was weird. It was so painful to hear her since I was simply being myself, often otherwise happy. She’d bring me crashing down to earth. I did defend myself but was too hurt to try to make any part of it humorous.

Ha! My wife tells me that once a month I come out with a really good funny; to the point when it's getting to the end of the month, she reminds me she's waiting!

Emma, you are in my thoughts, too. My best!

First, my apologies to Mikaylajane for having this conversation on her blog. I'd normally just post on mine or elsewhere but last night I was reeling with emotions so I wrote what I did. I'm still kind of shell-shocked this morning. I have a doctor appt for tomorrow morning and am getting ready now to run out to the Walgreen's for the blood thinner prescription. I'm worried that all this will also stand in the way of my GCS which is scheduled for 1/31. We'll see. Monica: I agree with you and appreciate your support, especially your comment about the photo. Maybe it's time for to me to experience my version of menopause. i guess what I'm most afraid of is that I'll return to feeling the distress between my body and mind which I had for so long before starting HRT. I'm reasonably sure though that I'll be able to stay on spironolactone so maybe that'll be mitigated. Chrissy: Thank you too for your message. Indeed as I was driving home last night I wondered if I could just switch to injections. I raced home to open up a presentation that a local highly-regarded physician sent to me after I met him last month at Gender Odyssey. Maybe, as you said,. alternate delivery might be okay. Unfortunately the way I read this below, the risk is higher for injections. I'm also in excellent health, exercise regularly - all that. But I'm also 62 and maybe that's a factor in DVT risk too.

Dear Emma, When I saw your picture of you hiking with your Lesbian friends, I would never knew you were transgender. You looked like just another Lesbian. Please keep in mind that estrogen drops in ALL cisgender women as they age, and testosterone in ALL cisgender men as they age. Recall a senior cisgender Lesbian heavy/stone butch I knew in Florida (not transgender) who, if you put her in a suit, she would have passed as a cisgender man! Remember, being a woman is from the inside out! Don't let others' problems become your problem! NOBODY is accepted by 100 percent of others 100 percent of the time! Your Lesbian sister, Monica