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I cannot comment on the in and outs of this because my marriage ended already, but I know that even though I am not with her I am genuinely happy that my ex is happier with her new partner now and that our relationship is amicable. Being able to talk things through and trying to see things from your spouses perspective are so important in a solid relationship, I just want to let you know that I'm rooting for you both and that I truly hope that you are able to stay with the people that you love.

We do not have a spare bedroom unfortunateky. As l am going through this, part of why I was ready to leave is that when i see the look of disgust on my spouce's face when she looks at me hurts worse then seeing myself with the parts with which I was born. I have no desire to be unfaithful. I have said before, I love my wife very deeply and want to spend the rest of my life with her, i just now see that if we can stay together it will be as two women. This life transition is being so hard on both of us, I wish there were a way I could m as ke it easier on her. I understand that I am in for a struggle, I just wish that I could bear the pain myself and not share it with the woman I love.

My therapist signed off on HRT letter tonight😍🙋‍♀️❤️😲😊! I will be changing my primary care doctor to a transgender specialist tomorrow and scheduling my first appointment. Only my fourth session and would have done it sooner, but she had to complete all the assessment and paperwork required.😎

Dear Confused, Please be slow to separate. Is there a guest bedroom where you can sleep? Separation is not permission for infidelity, but for an opportunity for each partner to clear their minds. It should only be undertaken after careful discussion by both partners, and, hopefully, counseling. Please keep us posted. Yours truly, Monica P.S. Do you want for us to call you Tilly?

I was getting ready to leave tonight, she actually said the exact words I needed to hear. She said, "I don't want you to leave.". I don't know if I will be sleeping alone yet, but I guess it's something.

Wow! That is amazing news! yay!!!!

So today I took another small step forwards. I have just called the GIC Outreach clinic closest to me. I now have an appointment to talk with someone about my gender on 2nd October this year. What a total difference to the last time I tried to call! Last time I chickened out dialling twice and then talked myself out of it because I wasn't sure where any of my feelings and desires to be female had come from nor why they were so strong. I didn't want to do anything that would forever be in my medical records if it turned out this was a phase or some sort of mental health issue from my marriage ending. Thanks to the good advice I received when I started scouring the internet completely panicked and unsure of the world, let alone my place in it - I sought counselling online and paid privately for the privilege. Yesterday, even though I had been in Dad mode for the entire week with my kids and was totally unshaven when I woke up - I shaved and dressed as Dee for my counselling session complete with wig and minimal makeup without giving it a second thought, during the session we talked around my need to try and emotionally protect the ones that I care about and after giving it consideration I realised that I did not get physically aggressive when I got protective - something i have seen a few of my male friends do. I try and take or prevent others having to go through painful situations by taking them on myself. I also realised that we were not really focusing in on any specific issue to do with whether or not I was trans, it was all about where I want to go and the plans I making for myself in the future. When it came to the end of the session I thanked my counsellor for her time and patience and said that I do not want to schedule in another meeting just yet. I want to contact the NHS GIC and start the process formally, she has offered to help me if I wish to go down the private route and has also said that if I need any sessions even just ad-hoc ones to get in touch with her. I have really valued working with her so I suspect I will be back in touch when I need more support. This morning I looked out last years diary - I found the number I had written down after my unsuccessful attempt to go to an out of area gender clinic to speak to someone and I deliberately waited until mid morning, it allowed me to dither and build up a bit of courage to make the call, I have found that no one likes to answer that initial call and by 10am they have usually got into work mode - had to give my male name and DOB as well as my contact numbers but that is to be expected given that this will be on my medical file. I realised that I was raising my pitch to sound slightly more feminine even though I had given my male name, while I was talking to the woman on the phone and we exchanged some pleasantries while we waited on her computer system to catch up. I was advised that I would have to wait a couple of month or so for my initial appointment, which was fine but I admit that October was further away than I was expecting. It was like a friendlier version of making a doctors appointment, and I asked directions to make sure I went to the right reception just in case. The call was relaxed and actually fairly easy to make. For the first time in almost 3 weeks I then sat and actually managed to get through all of my work emails that have been building up. I finally had the energy and drive to do some work without it being overdue and essential for the next day! My sister is delighted for me and said that October is a good thing as it gives plenty of time for my divorce to get finalised, she also said it would be an exciting new adventure - which is true, I am now a mixture of nerves and excitement instead of just fear and confusion! 💖 XX

Thanks Jess, unfortunately with hospital appointments here you take what you are given and if a cancellation does come up they will give you a phone if you were next in the list. It was a pleasant phone call though so I know my name will have a good feeling associated with it. I am not in a hurry - it took me 40 years to stop and realise something was wrong, there's no need to rush now, I just have to make sure I do everything right and for the right reasons. I have plenty to be getting on with though, I have a pride event in May to look forward to going to with my niece and I want to start on hair removal asap which will involve lots of trips up and down the road, and I want to go to my supportive friends and let them meet Dee as well as telling my younger sisters and mum - so you are right - the summer will soon pass!

Hi Dee. I, too am so very happy for you. I can feel the excitement you must feel. 😊 It always helps to keep a lot of irons in the fire with future appointments. My advice, schedule them, a lot may change before October. If not you can always reschedule. When I can't get an appointment as quickly as I would like, I make sure I'm on the call list for appointments that have been cancelled, and there are probably more of those, than the ones that are kept. Learn first names and try to get to know them on a first name basis and them yours, too. Call back every few weeks and say you have an appointment but just checking if any cancellations came in that you might be able to fill. Before you know it, you'll be in.🙏 Good luck, Jess

oh i am so sorry this is hurting you sister but be strong and find your true self because that is your right and you deserve to be your true self and happy you are loved sister

After six hours to think and sleep on this decision, I still believe it is the right one. If she comes home all riled, I will take my clothes and leave...I believe it is the best thing for us both.

I think I am going to leave tomarrow...give her the space to figure things out...She told me that last night she rolled over and saw things she didn't want to see...I'm sorry if a yoga top is inappropriate sleepwear, it's comfortable. I tried to sleep topless a week or so ago, and couldn't get over feeling exposed. If she comes home fired up again tomarrow I will leave, I already am packed except for toiletries.

sorry you are going through this but i have learned the hard way you can not live to keep others comfortable but deny your own needs, they would not alter their behavior to allow you to feel real and alive so you really owe them nothing in return just from my personal experience live and for yourself and learn to love yourself because you deserve that love and caring.

Thank you Emma, 🤗 the time is obviously just right now, the massive knot I have had in my shoulder blades for the last month has all but disappeared, and the fears seem a bit more manageable. Free healthcare for all was a wonderful idea that is being ruined by greedy politicians. The NHS is notoriously understaffed and underpaid, so waiting lists are common, the benefit is that I know I will be able to tap into professionals and any medical care without having to save up for it (though I am currently intending on using the money I was spending on counselling to start hair removal) Someone once talked about a service triangle and it is very true - something can either be done cheaply, done quickly, or done well - but you can only ever get two out of three at most otherwise the time, cost or quality need to change. 💛

"I also realised that we were not really focusing in on any specific issue to do with whether or not I was trans, it was all about where I want to go and the plans I making for myself in the future." Wow, Dee, that's so huge! Very proud of you! October is a long time to wait, that's for sure. As you said it gives you time to become more familiar and sure of yourself - always a good thing. I look forward to hearing more about your journey! Emma

Dear MichelleLea, Jessica and Christy, We all should be striving to have many LAYERS of support. It felt great when a well meaning friend recently recommended a church that was not good for me. After I looked into it, and then I returned his call, I could honestly thank him for reaching out to me but was able to tell him, no thanks, I have MANY layers of support! Can't emphasize enough about doing your research and NETWORKING with others to both give and receive resources and information. Thank you all for being wonderful, supportive friends! 😊 Yours truly, Monica

Tonight is the first time my wife stormed out of the bedroom when I came to bed...I'm laying here crying wondering if this is the sign that it's over...If it's best for her then so be it, I have already know that I am not wearing women's clothes just for the sake of it, nor do I want to hurt anyone just because of this. There is just no way that I could purge just to make her happy, but it's ripping me apart knowing that I am upsetting her. She will not even talk to me right now.