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My ex-wife and I talked yesterday for ninety minutes on the phone. We got caught up on each others lives after not speaking for three weeks due to my facial surgery recovery and her trip to Mexico. That was all well and good until near the end of the call when she said that we need to reduce the frequency of our calls to monthly. She started crying as she told me how unhappy she is, nothing to really look forward to, that sort of thing. It's been two years since I left her in California and this year she turns 70. She's also having problems with her knees that were replaced, her back which seems to be trying to unsuccessfully compensate for her knees. She's a mess while I'm living up here in Seattle having more or less the time of my life. Sure, I have my own issues. My facial surgeries went fine but I have lots of numbness all over, including my scalp. It's so weird to feel (or not feel) ones skin and scalp. Very uncomfortable. It's been less than three weeks since the surgery but hey, I'm impatient even while plenty of doctors have advised that I need to give it a year. My vulva is also kind of uncomfortable too. Not nearly as much as a couple of months ago but it's another discomfort that keeps it's presence known, all of which keeps me kind of pooped out. I'm lucky that I'm retired and able to sleep in and take naps. Since talking with my ex-wife yesterday I'm feeling a lot of guilt and responsibility for her feelings. We were married for twenty years and still care for each other a lot. Before we were married I confessed my occasional cross-dressing. We were in bed with the lights out. I was so ashamed, and yet felt that I had to confess, get it out. I felt that our love was so strong that she'd be my supporter and we would navigate this together. Instead, she threw me out of the room. I slept fitfully on the couch. The following morning she came out and said that if we were to stay together that 1) I'd throw out all of my female clothing, and 2) we'd never discuss this again. I agreed and meant it, and I followed through when we returned home after a short vacation. But as we all know this was just like another purge cycle. I couldn't deny my authentic spirit as much as I tried to suppress it. Over the years of our marriage I secretly bought small clothing items to wear when she wasn't home or to bring with me while on business trips to wear at night. She occasionally tripped over them in my hiding places, and as time progressed she often coached me that some of my gestures and behaviors were overly feminine. That sucked so much. I felt like I'd returned to being a child trying to be on my best behavior, self-correcting so as to avoid reprimands. And yet I did it because... why? I guess it was because I felt so ashamed. I was also afraid that our relationship would dissolve. She's supportive of me now. She sent some jewelry to me a few weeks ago. Intellectually she understands that my being trans is valid and real. I suppose she's just wrestling with her own sadness that for whatever reasons she can't see herself with me now as my authentic self. I've told her and I think she understands that deep down I'm the same person. And yet... It's so hard to hear her cry, the anguish in her voice. I feel guilty that I wasn't more adamant before we were married. Maybe I was selfish. I'm so sorry that I hurt her, I really am.

Well, I have come a long way since joining TGG just last August. I am on HRT. Almost finished with Laser and about half way with electrolysis. Am have my first non-surgical facial feminization procedure next week. I fake 000% male now and have, ever since I had the "talk" with my 23 year old son about 2 months ago. We are still very close and both jump at the chance to do things together whenever we get the chance whether out in public or not. I travel every couple of weeks back and forth from NY to Florida as Jessica checking into a motel along the way. I, like Dee, still have those "melancholy moments" when I check in as Jessica but have to produce my legal name and legal documents. Also, when conducting official personal legal business, I still must produce my proper legal information and documents even though I present as Jessica now. That will change soon, as my attorney is well on her way to change all my markers. I'm beginning the process of consultations for bottom surgery. A little background about me and my parents and siblings. I'm 64, my parents 88, they live in the "Villages" in Florida, my sister is 68; also retired and live in the Villages with her husband. I have a younger brother 60 who lives in NY about 2 1/2 hours from my upstate NY house. I rarely see any of them ( maybe a dozen times) since I went off to college at 17, which I'm sure is a common familial casualty of dysphoria, but we do talk periodically, still only once a year or two. Still haven't seen either of them in about 10 years or more until several months ago. Now I just bought a house in Florida about an hour and a half away from them, and I get pleas constantly from everyone to come visit, even sleep overnight, every time I'm down there now that I'm retired and am close by. They all want to get to know me and be the "happy little family". No judgement there; I know they mean well. They were were REAL disappointed when I bought a house close to the Gulf and not in the Villages. Has anyone seen the show "Everybody loves Raymond" UGH!!!!!! That's what they all envisioned for the future. Well, both parents' health is deteriorating and have had many serious issues over the last year plus 2 hospital stays and my sister has been running herself thin getting them to med appointments and preparing meals, meds, etc. I know how tough it is from having to care around the clock for my wife for the last three years and both of her parents 10 years ago before they passed. Both her parents lived and passed on with us and not in a nursing home. My sister called me a couple of weeks ago and asked if I would be down around the tenth of June. My brother-n-law and she wanted to go to NYC then for a banquet and then possibly stay the week to visit some friends. My parents couldn't be left alone, or at least with someone close by in case of a medical emergency and visiting daily to cook and prep everything for the day. I couldn't say no, AND I couldn't do it any other way than as Jessica, so seriously began to think hard how I was going to introduce everyone to Jessica without any further delay (or procrastination). I had no clue if anyone has any knowledge of gender issues, and doubted they ever knew or met anyone transgender. Turns out they don't. I got to Florida Easter night and took care of everything I had to with the new house by Wednesday. I have to head back north this Friday. Wednesday night I called my sister and asked if she and my Brother in law would be able to come to my house Thursday or Friday... I had something very important I wanted to run by them before I went over to my parents to talk to them about it. They would have to plan on a few hours visit and then we'd go out for a late lunch before they headed back. I swore her in on keeping my presence in Florida a secret from both my parents and my brother knowing full well if I didn't, she would hop on the phone calling around to see if anyone else had a clue. At first she said she didn't think they could make it, but called back 20 minutes after and said they could around noon on Thursday. Haha. My plan was to change back and talk to them here first, and then go to their house a few days later as Jess. But damn, after I got out of bed and had my coffee and toast decided to hell with that! I showered, put back on my make-up, wig, a pair of white clam digger jeans, my beach sandals, a modest pattern blouse, touched up my nails and milled around until they arrived. I greeted them at the front door, and my brother in law turned to my sister and muttered, "See I told you!" Haha, they thought I was my new girlfriend😜. When they came in and realized what was going on, he said are you kidding? Is this Halloween? I said, nope, this is me, come on in and I'll introduce you. Popped the cork on the small bottle of wine the realtor gave me and we sat down and talked for about an hour and a half and the best thing was that everyone participated! There are so many detailed points I wanted to, and did make, in our conversation, but I'll try to expand on that in later blogs. In summary, I totally was comfortable with myself and not afraid of anything, but wanted them all to feel the same way if I was going to become a part of their lives and they mine. They understood that and came on board . I was not the one needing the support; they were the one's that would need it and I would make sure I would give it. I knew what I was doing, they did not. I always remembered hearing that when we transition, everyone else transitions with us. Very true, but as we become very knowledgeable, no one else around us is. They have to be assured everything is going to be okay, even better than it ever was, which with some targeted communication and listening, IS THE TRUTH! I didn't really want to supply resources such as You tube videos, books etc.; I wanted to encourage them to rely on me for any questions, answers and information. Afterwards we had a great lunch at a Gulf Coast eatery close by and they went on their way back home. Funny my brother in law said I looked much better as a girl than a guy and I said that's because I look as I feel. I joked for him to not try it because he'd probably look shitty. That night I called my brother and gave him a snapshot of what was happening and what was coming down the pike with our parents. I told him sis knows as of today and Mom and Dad would be brought in on it Friday. Friday morning I converted back to my cis male identity one last time and drove to my parent's home. I knew it would be too much of a shocker at their age to meet Jess without preparing them first. (had to stop at my sister's house on the way to borrow my brother-in law's sneakers because I already purged mine) I got right to the point and told them my story. They didn't have a clue; in fact never heard of anything like it before, except my Mother had heard something about Jenner. I said I'm not Jenner, I'm me, so forget whatever you heard, we're not the same. I told them briefly different things throughout my life and surprisingly they didn't remember, or they put it out of their minds. I told them a little about being on HRT and what physical changes would be occurring down the road. I told them I present female everywhere now, at work, with my son, their grandson, at the store, travelling back and forth from NY to Florida, and now they are the only ones left that have not seen me as I am and the time has come that they do. Also that it was my fault it took so long, not theirs, they couldn't have been expected to know because I was real good at hiding it from them and everyone else my entire life. I told them the next time I visit (within the next day or two) I'll look different but will still be same inside, as I've always felt the same inside my whole life. Again I assured them that I don't need the support, they will and I'll be there to give it to them. I told them many, many families go through this and have some difficulty at first, but they can and do work through it and everything is far better in time, beyond belief. They both acted okay on the surface, but I could sense that it really bothered my mother more; i.e. how was she going to react with seeing me as Jess, how would the neighbors and family relatives react, what would she say, and on and on. I left and said I'd be back Sunday and then expecting the phone calls to fly between them all. Next I talked to both siblings Saturday night and 1. My mother was scared and wanted me to visit a few more times more before coming as Jess. 2. My sister and brother were used to enabling her and were readily open to that idea; they both ran it by me separately. 3 . My father was going with the flow and was unconditionally accepting, but I know him; still deeply worried. 4. Both my sister and brother would be okay, but because they know nothing about gender issues, or me, they would unwittingly get in the way of my effort. So I re-iterated with them, to stand back and let me handle it and to direct all questions, concerns worries and fears back to me. Just follow my lead. I know what to say and do with any possible situation that might come down the pike. They don't but I will teach them. I explained that not being Jessica is something that is not an option and it was important for everyone to see me as much as possible as I am this week before I have to return to NY. My goal is to have my family look forward to seeing me only as Jessica, because there is no one else now. No one could possibly prefer me to show up faking it, if anyone does, I won't bother anymore. Sunday I, Jessica, went to the Villages. Stopped at the Walmart there and got coffee, sandwich meats and a few other things for them. My sister called me beforehand and asked if I wanted her to be there. I told her no, but if she wanted to stop by after an hour or so that would be good. Just when she does, try to carry on like before, so my parents can see that nothing has really changed. (actually it has; before I dreaded visiting whereas now the idea of popping in now and then and spending a little time with everyone is becoming more appealing). I got there and after the ritual hugs, I put the groceries away and made coffee. My mother, after seeing me said you know, I feel better now. I said wait a few more weeks, you're gonna wish you knew years ago. We all talked about nothing, I geared the conversation mostly to what I and my son spent most of our time doing, together and separately and how close my wife and I have been throughout our lives. When my sister got there, I suggested my Dad give me a tour of the Villages on their golf cart. (it's a golf cart community, for just about everything, shopping, entertainment, you don't need a car). He jumped at the chance, I drove, had a great time and took about an hour. Next time he wants to take the cart with me to sit at Dunkin Donuts. Back at the house, my brother-in-law was there, we had dinner, and again my mother said she's feeling much better now! My sis and I cleared the dishes and cleaned up and after they left I spent another our with them before I went home. I'll be popping over a few more times this week before I have to head back to NY. While everything feels normal for me, it needs to feel normal for others around me, too. And I think I accomplished a lot so far.

Dear Emma, Your ex is grieving the loss of the man she married and the good marriage she had. She is fighting the feelings of loss and grieving that you have moved on. As much as we hope for a win - win scenario upon a breakup, the reality is that one person often finds a better life, and the other finds a less fulfilling life. Another thing your ex may be struggling with is that she is aging more quickly than you, and her health problems are emphasizing this. Rarely do both partners age at the same rate. An example is Barbara and George Bush. Apparently you have gotten counseling, and she has not. Would suggest she get counseling, work on getting her own circle of friends and make a plan to make the most of the rest of her life. Am very sorry to hear of both of your pain. Yours truly, Monica

It's a good roadmap to start formulating my plan! Thank you so much Monica, I'm really thrown by all this.