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I hiked up to Teanaway Ridge (https://www.wta.org/go-hiking/hikes/iron-bear) yesterday with Philippa, Juliette, and Clara. The weather, spring flowers, and amazing views of the Cascade Mountains were perfect, as was the after-hike beer and munchies. The hike was hard going for me since it was my first hike since my GCS/BA in late January. It was fun getting to know Clara and Juliette who are mid-30s, married to each other. Full of smiles and youthful energy and enthusiasm. The thing is that I believe I'll always be recognized as trans, and I feel it holding me apart from the community of women. That said, there is a limit on what I'll subject myself to, to pass, which is not a heck of a lot. I've worked on my voice a lot, had FFS, and wear a small amount of makeup (not yesterday of course). So I think it's fair to say that I'm seen as a trans woman and those in the know only know and refer to me as Emma, with appropriate pronouns. I have an awareness that I'm different, and not in a good way. Sure, that's a judgement that I put on myself. I wonder if I had pride in being trans that it would be easier. I'm always so self-conscious. My voice, my face, shout out my reality and I don't like it, always feeling like I'm different. I am thus torn between wanting to be social versus retreating into a shell, solitary with my self-conscious defenses lowered.

Dear Emma, There will always be a certain number of Lesbians that will not accept you as a woman. They, hopefully, will be in the minority (large minority?), or even the majority (small majority?) The question is, do you need to be accepted and friends with EVERYONE? In my case, some people, Lesbians included, do not accept me for being a woman of size, poor, disabled, and average-looking. As I see it, that's THEIR LOSS, not mine! You have to accept, like me, that you will win no popularity contests, but should REJOICE that you have a SMALL CIRCLE OF QUALITY FRIENDS. Take my word for it, most "popular" women (and men for that matter!) are NO MORE HAPPIER in the long run than the average Jane or Joe. Saw this for myself over and over, and now studies prove it! Accept their friendship for what it is, and always keep searching to ADD to your circle of friends. Perhaps they will rethink their attitudes when they see your new friends accept you for the woman you are. Your friend, Monica