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Dee, i just came across this, and it feels so right for me. Maybe for you too: https://medium.com/@hallb1710/the-transgender-pain-29b6b8f304ab Emma

Thank you ladies. 😭 🤗 I can't even cry properly! I went out and did my 5km walk/jog this morning and have dressed as Dee for today and do feel a little better. I will try to find things to occupy my brain that are useful. Emma that link does speak to a lot of my big feelings. How do you know if you are doing the right thing? I've worn a smile for years - if I drop this life is so much simpler for everybody else. What if I pump all of this time and money into transitioning only to continue to feel like I am not good enough? Where do we find contentment?

Dear Dee, Can't emphasize enough about journaling, and I would also like to suggest creating art, no matter how crappy. Take art classes. If you don't like the results with one medium, try another. Force yourself to sign each piece, no matter how bad, with your female name. Slowly, but surely, your art will improve, and speak to you! Also, read every non-fiction story you can get your hands on about MTF transgender people. There you will find your sisters. We are your sisters, too, and are there for you! Yours truly, Monica

Hi Dee, I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through. In my own way I’ve experienced much of the same and it sucks, it hurts, and it is so depressing. I’ve also had to face the fact that I’ll never be a cis woman. I’m seen as trans and stand out as trans. The thing is that we are what we are. Rare, yes. Unusual, sure. And having a strange arc of our lives, raised as one gender, doing what we thought we wanted and should, and only now as we are older, confronting our reality. That’s the bad news. The good news is that we are granted our opportunity to finally be our authentic selves. I sure wish I had been born female, I really do. It’s depressing to think about how there’s nothing I can do to change that. How to contend with depression and take advantage of your alone time? - Go take a long walk and look at plants, trees, animals, water, and the sunset. - Do a teensy tiny bit on the project you had planned on working on. - Go have a nice cup of coffee or tea. - Treat yourself to something for Dee. Order it from Amazon or something. You have plenty of time to receive it! Consider ordering two, in different sizes, and return one or both if it doesn’t fit or you don’t like it. - Write in your journal. - Take a nap. I’m sure that none of this is going to really fix things for you. Being transgender is freaking hard at times.

"None of this has anything to do with being trans other than the fact I look at myself in the mirror and see some hairy bald guy staring back and I ask myself just who it is I think I am kidding. I am paying out all this money to remove my facial hair and I just think to myself that I am being stupid. I do not look like a woman, I do not sound like a woman, how would I ever know if I think like a woman when I've never been one? I grew up a boy, thinking I was a boy, I was a fairly typical adolescent and thought I was a male adolescent, I grew into a man and got married and had children, yet somehow I have ended up here spending almost 10 months of my life almost constantly obsessing about my gender and for what? What does transitioning actually get me? What is the benefit? Because I honestly don't know. I am supposed to be finding myself but in reality I am more lost and confused then I have ever been."- Scottish Dee Wow! You cloned the exact thoughts I had only 7 months ago, pretty much word for word, well before I was full-time authentic or beginning HRT! I haven't had that same thought for a long time now and now I only wonder why did I wait so long. I know I don't look like a woman, but I sure know what it is like to feel like one now and I rarely if ever get a funny look from anyone when I'm out and about running errands, shopping, working, or whatever. You are much younger than I and certainly have much more in the "facial feminine features" category than I. I think my comfort as Jessica has much more to do with living 100% as Jessica than anything else, i.e., HRT . Just sitting in your house is not good; use the time and freedom to experience yourself as Dee a little bit everyday even if you can only for a little bit, because of your work or other responsibilities. And go out! as Dee, take a ride; take a walk, anything. I don't mind sharing this photo with you (or any one else on TG). A family photo taken yesterday. See that smile on my face? I'm gonna be 65 in a few months and never had that before in my life.. In fact that is the number one compliment I get from everyone who knew that "Bald hairy guy" who disappeared just a few months ago! Most importantly..... while you are going through the changes in your family structure, Keep your kids close to you. I mean talk to them often, listen to them always, and give them your advice no matter where they are or who they are with. That's my son and his girlfriend sitting next to me in the photo. Here's hoping you feel better soon! 🙋‍♀️😋 Jess

Dee, Yes, it's risky and life-changing to transition and your questions are natural. And since we're transitioning from a male body it's unlikely for most of us that we'll ever be as attractive and naturally feminine as we've dreamed. It may help to consider two states of being: 1. Remain as you are. What a relief! Except, we know that it's far from ideal and has brought up all sorts of sadness and depression for so long. It's not going to be fulfilling or come near to achieving contentment. 2. Become your authentic self, which may be a (trans) woman. I put the "trans" in parentheses because as we transition we're striving to be the feminine person we need to be to achieve sufficient relief from gender dysphoria and the joy and contentment of finally living authentically. But no matter how "far we go" we will always be transgender. Even beautiful women like Laverne Cox are and always will be trans. The journey between "1" and "2" is scary, uncertain, and fraught with risks. It's unfair that we have to go through this but it is what it is. I believe in taking small steps, evaluating how it feels after any euphoria has declined. Consider how contended you feel, how your gender dysphoria feelings are mitigated, and try to determine where this step finds you: * This is enough, I've arrived! * I don't like this, I feel I've gone too far, and wish to undo this step. * I like it but now that I'm here I find that I wish to go further. Then, follow your path, perhaps back, perhaps forward. And please note that it's okay to change your mind later. But what if you've done something like surgery, which is obviously not undoable. For me I was surprised and gratified to find that when I reached that point the decision was easy. Earlier, I never would have said that. I'm sure you've heard that after transition we still carry whatever emotional baggage we had before. Maybe a little lighter since we're finally being authentic but all the other crap comes along. I think this is where I need to emphasize that mental therapy and perhaps psychological meds are so important, before, during, and after transition. That you asked this question says to me that you know you're not content now. I know this feeling all so well. For me, I am much much more content with my life than I've ever been. And yet when I look in the mirror and listen to my voice I know that I'm evidently trans. Now, I could get stuck in the mud of these negative feelings but I try to choose not to. I get together with friends for dinners, camping, hiking. I also just started a ballet exercise class! (It's tough.) I think that finding contentment is what we as humans struggle to achieve throughout our lives. It's a never ending journey that we wish we didn't have to take but it's in our nature. For me a cornerstone was finally acknowledging that I'm trans and then transitioning. Where will you find contentment? I can't answer that for you except to say that it's unlikely you'll find it by staying in the status quo.

All my get up and go has got up and gone... (borrowed from a mug I saw once) so true of me right now. Earlier I waved my kids off for 3 weeks holidays with their mum, and when they come back I have them for 3. It should be a chance to be productive and maybe even work in some Dee time but I just can't. I have been sat in my empty house all day watching Stranger Things and eating my body weight in hummous, tomatoes, olives and crackers because I finished all the sweet things in the house already. I am seeking something, anything to keep my brain occupied from the thought that I am losing my daughter. Her mum moves away and she chose to go with her, something that we have both already cried about, we will miss each other but still see one another during holidays and the odd weekend visit, but it really really hurts. I have been stressed for this last week, almost constant headaches, short fuse, tired all day but unable to sleep until after 2am. Oh and of course stress/comfort eating. None of this has anything to do with being trans other than the fact I look at myself in the mirror and see some hairy bald guy staring back and I ask myself just who it is I think I am kidding. I am paying out all this money to remove my facial hair and I just think to myself that I am being stupid. I do not look like a woman, I do not sound like a woman, how would I ever know if I think like a woman when I've never been one? I grew up a boy, thinking I was a boy, I was a fairly typical adolescent and thought I was a male adolescent, I grew into a man and got married and had children, yet somehow I have ended up here spending almost 10 months of my life almost constantly obsessing about my gender and for what? What does transitioning actually get me? What is the benefit? Because I honestly don't know. I am supposed to be finding myself but in reality I am more lost and confused then I have ever been. How can I be numb and in pain at the same time? 😭😭😭😭😭