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I have been feeling very down recently. I know that the main reason is my daughter moving away with her mum but it means that I have been feeling letheragic and flat and have not done any self care whatsoever. This morning I woke up choked with a cold and decided while listening to the rain that I was not going to push myself and do my Saturday morning 5k, instead I got up and effectively have been pampering myself. I put on some cheesy tunes from spotify and shaved my legs and arms, my chest I used a cream on 2 days ago so while I can see black hairs growing thy are too small to touch just now. I gave myself a proper close shave and then had a long and hot shower. As soon as I came out I put on my wig. The wig makes an instant difference when I look in the mirror, I do not see a him but a her. With this boost I moisturised and put on some mascara, some light eye shadow and did my eyebrows using eyeshadow makeup and finished with a touch of lip gloss. I then spent a bit of time doing my toe and finger nails and then finally put on a summer dress - it is a bit too figure hugging to wear out while I am this heavy but if I lose a stone or two it will look great. I then pulled out my Dee phone and went through the snapchat filters taking photos. I took a couple a while back when everyone started going on about the genderswap filters and noticed that it will make anyone look good. I do not have any contacts on snapchat so I have no one to send them to, but I had a proper giggle pouting, looking serious and playing with all the different options and then saving them and exporting them to my google drive. In snapchat I can easily pass for a cis woman, if I put up one or two of those photos on a dating site I know I would get interest, I do not look 40, it is amazing what soft focus coupled with pixel makeup can do! I even tried the male filter and while I am not used to seeing myself with male hair oddly that photo genuinely looked so much less like me then the female ones do, normally you can still see yourself underneath the gimmicks but it was hard to as a man. I am starting to understand why so many young teens are getting addicted to taking photos of themselves all the time even if I am rubbish at explaining it. Of course I knew I was just passing the morning and distracting myself from my woes but it has worked. I am actually in a pretty good mood and found myself smiling and laughing out loud. One of these days I will figure out if Dee is a distraction, if I am merely using my copying skills to emulate femininity because I envy it, or I will realise that I am actually Dee and feel happy because I am actually being my real self. It is a tangle of fears and confusion and thoughts and second thoughts and it can all wait for another day. For now I am going to spend the rest of my day dressed but snuggled up on the sofa. Later I will be catching up with my Canadian friends online but today, all day I am just Dee. 💖💋💖 Because they are so heavily filtered here is kittie me from Pride, (meow!) the random bloke the male filter turned me into that I can honestly say looks nothing like me even on a man day, and the Dee that I sometimes catch glimspes of in the mirror (minus the nose ring).

I'm sorry you were feeling down but I'm sending kudos to you for your self-care. I like getting dressed, even today when it will be hiking boots, shorts, and an athletic top to go on a long-ish hike about 100 miles east of here. I well remember the fantastic feelings I had getting dressed long before transition. I love your photos, especially the one on the right! She's so pretty, isn't she? I'd also lose the nose-ring but it does give her some edginess. I wonder what I'd look like with such a filter. Probably lots better than normal. But also, like you, I love it when I happen to glance at myself in the bathroom mirror where I'll do a double-take as I see myself as a woman. Feels good!

Hi. Happy to hear from you; but there is never any need to apologize. We're all going through this together and we will get through it together.🤷‍♀️

Hi Jess, ”Bluster” was the wrong word; I apologize. The whole thing came off wrong as I read it now. Sorry for creating this mess! Emma

Dear DeeDee, Absolutely love your feminine pictures and I hope they inspire you. Think you are a beautiful woman without the filters, too! Your friend, Monica

Hi Emma; your reply really confused me. My original blog back in October was about not trusting people and not letting any one to close to me rather than "fear". Of course there are many things to fear and rightfully so, and perhaps we all grew up afraid someone would "find out"! I think in my life, and was only thinking about things in my life, that was predominantly the driving factor in why I would not let anyone really close to me, "the fear of someone finding out" I did not think I was being judgmental about anyone in particular and merely meant to convey that 8 months after that blog, and fully transitioned excepting the waiting period I'm required to endure for GRS. And now that I've come this far, I have no longer have an "inner circle" and it is quite an awesome feeling🕊️. Rest assured I do not bury fear with bluster.😍 Your friend, Jess

Thank you ladies, I needed cheering up today and it did the trick. I have had a lovely and properly relaxing day. 💛

Loved the looks, too! You'll know when it's definitely right or definitely not; I can't remember what turned the point for me, but maybe something to think of! Time is on your side.

I would say a 100 miles is a long hike! I guess your starting location is 100 miles away and the hike is there! I hope you enjoy it. Snapchat and the filter are free to use Emma, as long as it is just for giggles I do not see why not. People used to pay good money for glamour shoots which were the older equivalent. Thank you, that's sweet of you to say. 🤭 She has certainly made me feel beautiful for a while and that is what counts today. One day I will decide if she is going to become a permanent fixture on the outside or just a part of me on the inside.

Have just began going over my earliest blogs to see where I've been and compare it to where I am. I found this blog interesting; it no longer applies. Notably, I did take Christy's advice and have broken out from my "inner circle" since I posted this almost a year ago. Thank you Christy, Monica and Emma. "Inner Circle" Following 2 Entry posted by Jessicatoyou · October 9, 2018 193 views Add Tag Our "Inner Circle". A comment about inner circle recently that caused me to ponder further the meaning of the "inner circle" that each of us have. I have heard of this term throughout my life of 64 years, and also pondered it's meaning to me. My inner circle presumably is comprised of my true self, my thoughts, actions, expectations, goals, fears, regrets, my coping mechanisms, accomplishments and failures, those good and bad things in my own psyche, judged only by my own mind. I guard mine closely from attack from outside sources, other people, society, etc., because it is not considered "normal" by others' standards or there own "inner circle", nor exactly coincide with society' norms. No one's inner circle can be totally congruent with anyone else's and certainly not society as a whole. Yet a common theme in self acceptance therapies seems to be to allow people into your inner circle to achieve happiness and piece of mind. I don't believe that anyone will ever totally enter my inner circle; oh, I may allow others to approach it, but most will never get very close, a very few may. The closest to it was my wife. but she never really stepped into it because she never knew of my dysphoria. The opportunity for that, unfortunately, has passed. As I continue on life, others will approach my inner circle but truly they will not be permitted in, unless I believe they are worthy of it and a very high level of trust is formed. That is not a bad thing, just a reality in preserving my self worth and being and general happiness. While I hope someone may come closer than my wife did, none ever may and I'd be good with that, too. I'm at peace with my inner circle and that is what matters. Jessica