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I have finally had a really good chance to catch up with my sister without little ears being around to lug in on the conversation. I updated her on my clinic appointment, how annoyed I was when I came out that the only thing that is happening is more counselling. Her advice was that I am subconsciously just not pushing because I have not committed to transitioning yet, that because of everything we have dealt with as a family until I can get this big worry about being as mentally unstable as my mum out of my head I would always worry if someone else is right if they are anti- trans and accuse me of having mental health issues. She also said that I am wasted here, if I came out as Dee in my local area I would be lynched, and yet she knows I do not want to move and start somewhere new only to have them watch me go through transition. Knowing I cannot be one way while I am here, but that I also cannot be anywhere else until I am sure of who I am will only add to my internal unhappiness. She definitely understands my worries and fears and has really nailed them. I would not literally get strung up, but emotionally and figuratively it would be a nightmare both for me and my son. At the end of a nice long hour and a half or so of chatting she gave me a hug and promised that she would be here supporting me regardless of whatever I choose, and without thinking I answered that I already know the answer, I just need to make sure it is the right motive. I was speaking whistfully but I think it is true. I know that with all my worry and my overthinking, with all my yoyo-ing it is not really about whether or not I am transgender, I think that answer became obvious a while back, the sheer amount of times I log in here each day just to read posts and I usually understand or empathise where a great many people are coming from tells me that I know that answer. I have spent over a year asking myself if I am male or female, if I am damaged goods or just a really good liar and wishful thinker. Those questions that are asked about if we would transition if we knew there would be no down sides are easy for me to answer now. I would live as DeeDee in a heartbeat. I think when I am being open with myself what I am actually doing is trying to build up a foundation for transitioning, have some mental armour and get my ducks all in a row to rule out as many complications as I can. I know I am still adamant that I want to move forwards with HRT to see how being free of testosterone makes me feel. I am not so sure that I am trying to decide if transitioning is wrong or right for me; I am trying to live my most honest and genuine life, that is so much more important for my children to understand than learning how conforming will help you to fly under the radar. To my thinking today it is more like I am dismantling the obstacles that make me afraid to move forwards, even if it feels like it is just a massive game of Jenga with my life... x

Dee, I certainly understand your feelings. It was so so scary on many levels when I started my transition. There were so many steps, many fears to confront. I was fortunate that my wife gave me the support she did even while divorcing me. Also, my ability to move to another locale. I don’t mean to add pressure on you but the thing that consistently propelled me forward was this: We never know how long we have on this earth. Something happens and maybe we wake up in a hospital incapacitated or dying. I could no longer bear the thought of the regrets and disappointment in myself if I had allowed my fears to stand in the way of my living authentically. I must also add that at the start of my transition I had no idea how far I’d need to go. All I really knew was that I am trans. But even that self-awareness isn’t perfect. Even now, once in awhile, I ask myself if I did the right thing. Thankfully, I always answer unequivocally yes. Best wishes, Emma

Tomorrow I return to my normal unisex life. I have had a great time on this last trip to Florida. My greatest fun was my time on the beach but I also had great fun at the stores and restaurants I went too as I was addressed as "mam" and "lady" at most of these locations. These encounters really helped me to embrace myself and how I felt. It was really liberating the feelings of freedom I felt. At the beach, I was at ease the whole time, aware of my form fitting swimsuit and my tuck made me have the ultimate feminine shape, aware of my long hair as the wind caught it, aware of my shaved and lotioned body, aware of my woman shadow/sillowet on the beach; knowing I was being looked at and coded as a female by all around me. Yes, I was sure I was passing. As I walked over a mile on the beach I felt deep feelings and the feeding of my woman inside. I was quite natural in my walk and most of the dozens of beach walkers I passed would wave or say, "good morning" or "hello." There I was just another somewhat pretty older woman walking on the beach with a slight arm swing and lifted sway in her hips. I also collected some shells and tested the water for swimming. I did get in knee deep but the water was really cold. For the walk I had just purchased a really nice swimsuit cover-up. Because of this, I did fit in quite well with those around me as it was cool 60's and as I mentioned the water was fridged. Thanks Monica for this great idea of the cover garment. The cover up I bought fit loosely and was almost a beach dress. With this on I really was able to be myself - natural and confident and I am sure this is why I appeared to pass so well. I did get a little bit of attention, however. There were some work men who I know were looking me over, my feminine radar could sense l was being checked out. One of them actually called me to get my attention twice. Because I was on the other side of a work barrier I was able to keep my distance and not respond to his advance. My favorite portion of my 2+ hours of beach time was laying/sitting on my towel and soaking 🌞. I had a sea gull buddy that stayed about 10 feet away and just hung out with me the whole time. There were several joggers who went by the "sun babe" - they all looked and I looked back - they smiled and moved on. We were all having a wonderful day at the beach. Dawn I took several dozen photos and will share them soon - sample one below.