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I have noticed some discussion recently on the topic of Vagino-depth and thought my experience might be beneficial to some considering either/or. This is an especially important decision for anyone considering vaginoplasty, and many factors should be to be considered. I chose to opt for a full depth vaginoplasty, and my experience is limited only to that. I am now 15 weeks post op. During the year prior to surgery, I often flip-flopped over whether shallow depth would be the best option for me, considering my sexual preference towards women always seemed to be strongly dominant in my psych. I have never had a sexual relationship with a man nor was I curious about it, so I did not expect to suddenly become interested in the post-operative stage, either. Therefor it seemed unnecessary to create a deep vaginal canal for penetration from a man’s penis. But a lot can happen, so I didn’t want to limit my options. Another factor I had to consider was whether my penis length was sufficient to create enough worthwhile depth after my penile inversion vaginoplasty. I not only had my concerns, but my surgeon further emphasized the importance and need for stretching and tucking to maximize skin elasticity during the month prior to my procedure. I have also heard much about dilation and that in itself was always at the top of the list of cons in considering full depth vaginoplasty. Finally, I learned that I could still experience an orgasm through self-pleasure with my own penis, so even opting out of bottom surgery all together was still very much on the table. I was unsure if that would continue to work for me in the long run, though. Finally, I became interested in pursuing a relationship with a cisgender woman. Our relationship is somewhat intimate but not yet explicitly sexual. She is not lesbian, but still very attracted to me, nonetheless. It probably would have been acceptable to her if I did not undergo surgery at all. However, my experience as a man in sexual intimacy with a woman was that my penis was not necessary for my partner to achieve orgasm. I similarly also do not expect to have to rely on a man’s penis for me to become satisfied sexually, either. I will leave it at that. My procedure was July 28. My surgeon achieved a full 7-inch vaginal canal depth. Dilation is every bit uncomfortable as I heard and then some more! Doctors vary on how often and how long but follow the advice of your surgeon. It did get easier and less painful quickly, but it is very time consuming. I began dilation 8 days after surgery when I had my catheter, packing, and Foley bag removed. There are 4 sizes; I started with the smallest (diameter) twice a day for 30 minutes each. After another week I went to the next size and after 3 days began dilating 3 times a day. After another week, I began the routine using the 3rd size dilating tool. This becomes so much more difficult and painful, that when starting the dilation process, it is necessary to begin using the smallest size for 5 minutes, then the next size, then the next size for the remaining 20 minutes. It seemed at 3-4 weeks post-surgery; it would be impossible that I would ever be able to graduate to the final, largest dilator. Just looking at it makes you sweat. It is affectionately called the “Orange Monster” by those of us that lived beyond it. But…it does work and gets much easier and prepares your vaginal canal for whatever comes next. I am now at 15 weeks, still 3 times a day, and there is no pain in dilation now. My surgeon wants me to continue 3 times a day for a full year, then go to twice a day and once or twice a week after that, which only may be replaced by penetrating intercourse if that becomes the case. I began to explore my ability to self-arouse at about 8 weeks after my procedure. My vagina seemed to me to be well constructed and was beginning to look as pretty as any I have ever seen, except for some minor swelling and bloating of the pelvic area that would still take a few months longer to subside. At 15 weeks, it is very minimal. My clitoris is well defined, and I had my first female orgasm at 9 weeks post-op, only using clitoral stimulation with my fingers, which took a lot of concentration. It was pretty intense and better than I had always imagined. After a while I picked up 2 vibrating vaginal stimulators designed for exercising and training Kegel and pelvic floor muscles. Sexual arousal with vaginal penetration is far better than anything I could have possibly imagined, and I will just leave it at that! It is not difficult now to experience many intense orgasms continuously over a long sessions. For me, the decision to have a full depth procedure, was the right one, even when considering the extended healing, dilation, and maintenance. I still don’t expect to ever have an intimate relationship with a man, although, being active socially with either sex has an added degree of psychological pleasure and confidence, knowing you could be more intimate if ever you met the right person, male or female, or (neither).

You look absolutely fantastic from my point of view! As I've just celebrated my 66th birthday and guessing your in your 40s? You're way ahead of me! It's so nice to see you apparently mature in your acceptance of yourself. I never knew my depression until I experienced my true being and the euphoria becomes stronger and stronger with every waking moment! Keep embracing yourself😍

Dear Dee, You look great! Actually, when a man gets married, his wife takes on the job of dressing him. Before that, his mother dresses him. Yours truly, Monica

Copied from the forum topic "The start of my Journey" in General Transgender Discussion. Dezzy discovers blogging! YAY! I've mentioned in a couple of threads that I'm just coming to my identity. It's very confusing and I don't have the language I need to express myself cleanly. But that's what our community is for isn't it? To help people coming into this new knowing of themselves to express themselves and understand better. I came of age in the eighties, in the Midwest of the United States. Specifically rural Southern Illinois. My family was Christian, starting off Southern Baptist, but after my parents' divorced, we moved over to a non-denominational Christian church community. This was still half-a-dozen years before Christian Fundamentalism and Evangelicalism became as widespread as it is now. But looking back I can see the seeds of how that community could evolve into Evangelical Christian. In any event, my home, faith, school, and community were very "anti gay". I was labeled a "sensitive, creative" child, which was not a compliment. I've discovered since that at this time those terms were common code for "girly" when applied to boys. I was bullied harshly by my peers and my uncles. My parents, grandparents and teachers turned a blind eye to the emotional abuse, telling me everything from "boys will be boys" and "It's good for you" all the way to "suck it up" and "stop feeling sorry for yourself". There was a genuine, and vocal fear that I would turn out to be any number of terrible labels used for the queer and trans community. You're probably thinking of a list right now, so no need to give them air here. When my parents split up, I was 8. In very short order, my dad left the home and my mom had to find work. Like millions of my generation, I became what has been termed a "latch-key" kid. With no siblings (my half-brothers and step-siblings won't enter my life for another couple of years) I was very *very* lonely. Abandonment issues took hold and all I could understand was that I *never* wanted this to happen to me ever again. So my reaction was to become anyone, do anything that would ensure I would be accepted. I leaned hard into being a boy. Sports, competition, roughousing, hunting fishing, "running-jumping-climbing trees" (as Eddie Izzard used to say). When puberty hit, I found myself feeling attractions to other boys. So, like the "sensitive" (read: feminine) aspects of my personality, any queer identity was crammed into a little box in the back of my brain and that's where they stayed for very nearly my entire adult life. Recently, as I approached 50, I started exploring my feminine and queer identities. I started with the understanding that the cybersex I indulged in was mostly with other male people, even when they were posing as women. I came to the conclusion that I was comfortable with cybering in the light of that knowledge, and in the beginning, I thought it was just a kink, something a little taboo and a little thrilling. I wasn't bisexual, I was just indulging a private little fantasy. When I first entered Second Life, I quickly discovered I preferred having a female avatar to a male avatar. Again, I didn't think it was anything more than sexplay. But I never felt the attraction fade, instead it only became stronger. Most recently, I started identifying my trans avatar, Desiree as me. As much me as the person I see in the mirror. My personality is the same in SL as Desiree as it is in the Real World as Keith. Only my appearance changes. And I'm happier with myself and more comfortable in my own skin as I accept my sexuality and my identity more openly. I'm coming to understand that that confused child I locked away all those years ago is emerging into my personality and my identity is changing. I like myself and I'm more confident with my feminine traits and my queer attractions than I ever had while repressing them. I'm trying to discover what all this means for me. Discovering (recovering) this part of myself feels nonbinary, maybe trans, but I think that is the incomplete understanding the language I need to express myself. When I (over) analyze myself, I'm not wholly male nor female. I'm Both. I'm Desiree and Keith in roughly equal measure. I have this long lifetime as Keith, and there are parts of this lifetime that I love, but they're not connected directly to my gender. I'm a parent, I'm *super* proud of my kids and I know they don't suffer the doubts I had. I loved my time wrestling and playing football (Hunting.. notsomuch, but I gave it an honest try). Anyway, if you've read this to the very end. THANK YOU! Go get yourself a yummy cookie, you've earned it.

"And I'm happier with myself and more comfortable in my own skin as I accept my sexuality and my identity more openly. I'm coming to understand that that confused child I locked away all those years ago is emerging into my personality and my identity is changing. I like myself and I'm more confident with my feminine traits and my queer attractions than I ever had while repressing them." I sure understand that, and also had similar experiences growing up, about fifteen years earlier. " I'm trying to discover what all this means for me. Discovering (recovering) this part of myself feels nonbinary, maybe trans, but I think that is the incomplete understanding the language I need to express myself." I truly understand that, too. I never felt nonbinary, but as much as I hoped I wasn't trans, with a ton of research, study, and therapy I determined that I am. Dara Hoffman-Fox, who's a licensed gender therapist in Colorado has many excellent vids on YouTube. They (Dara's nonbinary) also wrote a book that was a tremendous help to me: "You and Your Gender Identity, A Guide to Discovery." There, you can learn a lot about so much, including nonbinary, transgender, and others. Perhaps more importantly, Dara has many insightful questions for you to consider, and keep track of in a separate journal. These questions kind of lead you through your life, dreams, and many other things, to help you make your own determination. I think it's so valuable to have written all this down instead of trying to sort it out in our heads. Dara also has an excellent website where you may find other helpful info. Best wishes! Emma