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Today I found out that I lost a very special person in my life. We all knew her and I miss her so much already. Her names is Tracy A. She was the only one who truly knew me for who I am. Even though she and I never met she was so special to me. She was the daughter that I never had and a best friend who I loved so much. She had confied in me her most precious things and had asked so many qustions and wanted so many answers about life and the things to expect. God why do we have to lose the ones so dear to us so soon. She was only 22 and was killed by drunk driver. I can only say this I hope she understands how much she is missed by me and those who knew her. Tracy my friend I love you and have always been your friend. Thank You for being my friend. All my my kindest and deepest emotions. Tracy N.

I can relate to much of what you're saying. I think most of us can. We've tried to fight against our inner identity, and failed. It won't go away. For me, it was all-consuming. I'm glad you're here now, ready to embrace and enjoy the integration of your whole being. Wishing you all the best in your journey.

You got it, it's a giant plush turtle Nikki got me after the plush bear wore out. I have this stupid sleep disorder, and the cozy comfortable cuddle object convinces my mind I'm not going to be murdered in my sleep and I can relax and drift off. Brains are such funny things. But he's soft, cuddly, and awesome and when Nikki gets up in the morning he makes sure I have my turtle becuase he's probably fallen out of bed during the night. In the fall we like to hang out on the couch under the soft blankets with the dog and watch movies all cozied up, it's awesome! It's the only blanket time the dog gets, she's not allowed near the bed because she eats the bedding. X_X We got these new, giant, super plush beach towels too, and that feeling wrapping up in one just after getting out of the pool is amazing. People are always looking for the 'big dramatic moments' but it's the little ones that have a lasting, every day effect in my opinion.

I would think that if your g/f felt the need to tell you that she would accept you, and remain with you, perhaps any time that you are ready to tell her would be okay. But that is just a supposition, and none of us really knows how any person will react when we come out to them. I told no one until I was 47. One of the people I told was my brother. Chances are, I could have told him MANY years before, as his response to me was, "you never felt like a sister to me." Turns out that while he had no name for it, or understanding of it when we were young, he was aware that I was different from "other girls." We were always very close, and after coming out to him, he said it always seemed that I was more like a brother would be. -Michael

I agree with Monica on the reply about sex drive. Three years ago compare to today my sex drive has totally changed. For years an erect penis was validation and now it's an entire body "event". Thinking of BAD SELF (hey Veronica), oh if I could describe my bad-self since say two months after GRS what stories I might tell, perhaps nasty girl is a more suitable description for me. There are times when I don;t think about sex for days on end then there are days that the train stop for my body event with a man or woman that usually last much, much longer than in my old physical self, a man (yuk). Christie, I believe going in to this will bring much joy and revelations. Some one notable once said (not the exact words) something like, each day we are born again, make the most of it. I do so, especially that I missed out on so much as a female I embrace it all and hope you will too, take nothing for granted.

I believe you have a good letter but do consider that some people want less information rather than volumes of information in the form of a letter. With that said some want to hear you speak the words and I have found it best to give them less information then in closing tell them "I am the same person inside" along with telling them you are open to questions. You know these people best so try and figure out if they will be content with volumes of information or want to ask you questions. Consider where you intend to come out and the current mood of that person or persons. With me a few stood on their religion beliefs which can be touchy if not conveyed well back to them your beliefs on transitioning. Even if you stay with the original letter get out some paper, write down questions that might be asked of you then answer them out loud in front of a mirror, work on your hand gestures and facial expressions so that you are comfortable with responses as this could be awkward. Best of luck with this endeavor!!!

That's so nice! It really does just take some people time, but I guess the silver lining in that is that you get additional moments like this.

Being a moderator just means we have to set an example, as in following the rules... stuff like that. Doesn't mean we can't hurt, and come looking for someone to lean on. The way I see it... our hurts and heartache ain't all our fault. And it never will be until society changes for the better. Big hugs to you, Emma. I'm glad you're feeling better. -Michael

In regards to pain of electrolysis, back when I was undergoing treatment I learned that not being well hydrated would cause discomfort. In recent months I've been having facial dermaplaning done which is extremely painful if the technician is not well versed with preparing their patient as what happened to me several years ago when I first underwent the procedure while in recent times the technician uses a completely different numbing agent and no pain is felt for the most part and even when felt is manageable. I would think (knowing that I've had my face done) the same pretty much applies to having facial hair removed. And the dentist numbing for me was a must for my upper lip area. What we go through to look feminine and even for cisgender females, men have no clue

So sorry you had to experience that. I'm sure most of us live with the realization/fear of being rejected for our identity, and the actual experience of it, but to have it put to you so directly must be difficult. The closest I've come to this is with my sister - no letter, but a couple of phone calls and a text established that she didn't accept my gender identity, we don't speak anymore. I guess I would just try to remember that even though the person who sent you the letter referred to "others" being upset or offended, they were really only speaking for themselves. Xoxo Chrissy

Bri, life has too many stresses and scary things. It's all well and good to call them challenges, learning experiences, and all that, but things can be so much better and easier in theory and mind or fantasy than in the outside world. it would be nice to weed some out or at least have safe refuges from them within yourself, your relationships, and immediate surroundings. You seem to have that so much with Nikki as you chart your future and find and create your beautiful yard. Hope you find a buyer soon so that big piece of non-peace can fall away.

Hi Blue! it's been a crazy ride, but as things are slowly pulling together I'm doing better. I have had my disorders so long, and generally function around them so well, that I mostly actually forget they are there until I make a dumb choice like that and poke them hard and jump off the emotional cliff as it were. It's why I always try to have backup plans for my backup plans, it's a coping mechanism for the terrorizing panic attacks I'm prone to. Life, no one gets out unscarred. ​ I am eyeing a nice Victorian, it needs a lot of cosmetic work, but the price is low, but I'm a bit worried about the yard. The yard looks like it won't work, and that's non-negotiable. I'll live in a plain uncharismatic ranch with a gorgeous yard if I have to. LOL Nikki says maybe two months to having this place ready to list, and then once we find a buyer a huge chunk of the current stress will lift off. I have paralyzing freakouts that no one will want the house. Nothing will make that go away until we close on the house. Then we can focus on buying the next one and setting up for the new chapter of life. Closer to my friend N happily.

In my personal experience (which has run both ends of the spectrum, from insane what was I doing to hey I have my love stuff together!) I have learned one thing, there is no perfection. There is no standard, no ideal, and no repeatable experiences. Each one is unique, each one teaches us something, and most are worth having. The ones that are harmful can still yield positives, but I can't bring myself to say they were worth having. And this is from someone who got her son out of one, it's complicated in my head sometimes. I think in a lot of cases that one of our great societal problems is the concepts of short versus long term relationships in the first place, that one is 'good' and one is 'bad'. You are asking yourself if you are selling yourself short by considering this, which indicates to me you have some lingering unresolved internal conflict with the choice that you need to resolve inside before you embark both for your sake and your partners. If you aren't going into this openly without dealing with that feeling, it has a real potential to eat at you and the relationship. Or I'm over reading into your post. Also, realistically, no one can tell if a relationship is going to be long or short. Unless we want to go back to the random lottery of arranged partnerships, the whole reason we date at all is to explore and analyze the potential. I've seen people stay in ridiculous relationships because they have some sort of weird concept of 'wasted time' or 'refusal to fail' instead of realizing they're continuing to waste time in a relationship that is failing them . I have no idea where this behavior comes from, but it seems unhealthy and pointless to me. On your con list, several of them are unrealistic cons. NO ONE isn't gassy, literally no one. It's a byproduct of human digestion, we all area. Live-together couples deal with it. Just we have this weird social taboo so no one realizes how bad it is for everyone, and things they are somehow weird or unpleasant to be around. No ones bathroom products smell good either. You just deal with the little inconveniences of life when living with someone. Nikki is awful in both those, wouldn't give my Nikki up, I just open the window a lot after one of us has been in there. ​ Some Febreeze helps too. Most people are more set in their ways than we realize, compromise is not an innate talent it's a learned skill, and there is nothing wrong with trying to find someone with a similar set of ways to reduce the amount of compromise. The allergies and finances are more 'real' hurdles vs. feelings you have about yourself that make you hesitant in my opinion, and the best advice I can give for that is be open and upfront if you hit the point where short term may look different. WEll, maybe prior to the first date with the allergy part, but the finances can wait. But ​health issues that can trigger on a date such as cat lady covered in cat hair at the date could be an issue. But I clearly hear your desire to retain independence. But I do ask have you spoken with someone in your disability office to ask how a marriage would affect that? I know a lot of people on various disability who are married, but I'm not up on the laws. I am NOT trying to force you to change your feelings on anything, just giving my honest take on the list that you can do what you want with my thoughts. No ​one has to be permacoupled to be happy, but some of that really is normal for the course and not a barrier and I just wanted to be clear. Short term relationships aren't bad. There is nothing wrong with enjoying them, and getting to repeatedly enjoy the thrills and highs of new people and relationships. Society frowned on it for a long time because it didn't fit with the model of what they wanted, but monogamy is a social training in us, not a natural evolved instinct. It was a solution to various issues over history, and remains in place as a tradition, but the only way to be 'wrong' in choosing to have several relationships over time (or even at the same time) is when lying is involved to the partners. You are settled, in a good place in your life, and just want some companionship/romance, enjoy all the short term relationships you want. LIfe is too short not to enjoy things. And if you find it's not your cup of tea after you've tried it, then you can always re-evaluate your choices and options after. You won't know if it fulfills the niche in your life or makes it worse until you start exploring. Go for it, see how it works for you. You can stop at any time if it's not, you're not selling yourself short at all, and it's always better to try for happiness and it not go right than to not try at all.

Hi Kitrah, Indeed, that's a pretty dress, and if I was your age or younger and single, it would be fun to wear. I'm happily married and sixty (but not too old looking! 😄) so I tend to want a little more conservative look. Emma

Because comfort is awesome. Whether it's a favorite nightgown, cozy blanket, or a turtle plush (don't judge, I need my turtle plush to sleep!) there is nothing like physical comfort and coziness.

Just want to let you know I am still here and with you. Yes I started wearing clear nail varnish and mascara first and no one really said anything. I was already wearing girl jeans and underwear. After a while I thought ok and started wearing a little pink lipstick and light brown polish on my toes and stii.no one said anything. Some people just stared a bit longer working out whatever but I have had no big issues out and about. Friends and family however. Some needed time and some still feel uncomfortable. I was told some really negative stuff but it seemed to be more about them than me, not about how I felt or looked but it did make me feel that I was fooling myself and perhaps I should go back. I am pleased I haven't and I now feel a lot more comfortable. I don't ever want to go back. So to you Emma and all my friends, go girls and live your truth. XXX

Dear Lisa, I also echo Stephanie and Chantel's messages. Your wings are indeed strong and beautiful. You soar, girl! Emma

Hi guys! Yep 24, to be honest I wish it was sooner because theres some excruciating sounding waits for nhs services regarding gender. Thank you both for the advice and support I really do appreciate it. I told a close friend the other day, she was very accepting and supports me and it felt great to tell someone. I knew that I could count on her to be there for me. Thanks again guys x

​Hi Vi, thanks for the compliment. In regards to my sister/friend, I met her back in 2007 on MySpace, we ended up dating on and off until (I think) 2010 when became friends. I came out to her in September of 2015 and she has been extremely supportive with me. I ended up as her brides maid when she married, told her future husband I needed to be her braid's maid. So we were at a party last summer, picture of us was posted on Facebook and several people said we looked like sisters, hence we are now sisters

I wish you all the joys you are looking for, a smooth ride during the changes, and all the hugs i can offer!

Since my teenage years I always wore breast forms when out. Back then they were foam forms as I was not aware of anything better. Clothing, I wear the same thing cisgender females wore so that I would blend in, not call undue attention to myself. Since I got the tucking down pat I could wear tight jeans which I favor to present time. Many who are cross dressers favor mini-skirts, pantyhoses and high heels which are in direct contradiction to what the average cisgender female wears yet I can understand the attraction to these garments and at all cost avoid them like the plague for casual outings. If one is to go out as a female it is critical to first work on your female voice followed by covering up the five O'clock shadow and by all means work on mannerism of a cisgender female. I like many others did these things and will greatly increase your chances of not being made. Once on hormones and removal of facial hair begins one can concentrate more on voice and mannerism. I can not stress too much how important mannerism and voice is too becoming at ease when out. Looking good is one thing but being able to communicate with others is paramount else you will end up in one or more uncomfortable situations which makes it more difficult to go out again. The more you are out the easier it gets yet many have issues stepping out the front door, get into their car and enter the world we were comfortable as male now is a place where one turns white with fear because they have not practice the techniques and skills needed to be comfortable when out and if you are not comfortable others will pick up on you and focus on those vibes. I honestly forget when the last time I was nervous going out, may be ten years ago but do remember prior to that time I was in the same boat as others and learned quickly that (as others have done) that it's a whole lot easier being out in stores and such where people would not recognize me. When I was 18 I went to a store in the next town over, dressed no different than any other female. Walked into the store and everyone stared at me. I truly believed I was made until a sales person tapped on my shoulder and said something like "you can't smoke in here". I then realized when she addressed me as female and told me to put the cigarette out my heart slowed down and I spent quality time there. The funny thing is I still have a pair of underwear I purchased in that store on that trip, a reminder to myself I could do this. Another memory was walking down the street over a long block where a man on a motorcycle kept circling the block and realized I was being watched and thought he had made me as a cross dresser and who knows what he wanted. Ended up at a stop light he asked if I wanted a ride. I was still learning my female voice but took my time to get it right and said something like I was not interested. As he rode off I called me a foxy lady, I of course grinned. In both cases and similar cases I did it right clothes-wise, mannerism and voice while other times earlier in life I did not and saw that people wondered if I was a cross dresser or (and this did happen) people believing I was a tom-boy.

I started by wearing casual things around the house, jeans, androgynous tops, non-descript sneakers, etc. As I became more comfortable, I began to wear these same clothes out shopping. No one knew the difference. I was comfortable in clothes that fit so I wore them. Wasn't long before I added a wig, breast forms and makeup, purse. Soon the jeans became a bit more obvious as I wore jeans with designs on the back pockets and more colorful tops. I'm very comfortable going out shopping and running errands in casual clothes. When I have an appointment or interview, I wear a dress or skirt and sweater. Although I am in mid-transition, I don't feel male or want to appear male at all. I am a woman now and will live everyday as myself. Enjoy your journey as you become more comfortable with yourself. Others will accept you for who you truly are. Hugs, Alana

Glad to hear things are going well for you, woohoo.

It's interesting, I was thinking before that I should try to see if I can climax - the interest has been so non-existent I haven't even tried, but I do want to see if the functioning is there or not.

I think it's wise to track changes. For me I never noticed small changes as I was (and didn't realize it) pretty much female hormonally even before hormones. My first test for HRT indicated I was just above the low side for a cisgender female. In regards to sex drive, I learned that it did not go away and did a test each week to see if I could still climax. I would pleasure myself fully tucked which meant I could not wrap my hand around that unwanted thing between my legs. For the entire year prior to surgery I still would climax and would add that I needed erotic thoughts else nothing would transpire. That is an important element, one must have thoughts for arousal to take place. Same is true after GRS, something arouses me and within seconds after seeing or hearing something that spawns arousal everything is pinpointed to my clit and radiates outwards. If there is nothing to arouse than I could go a week or so and nothing happens. It's all in the mind and what it conjures up for the physical to be triggered into that fun state. Anyways keep up your updates, love to hear them.

Dear Eve, Your boots look very cute, and do not look like the English riding boots you refer to. My nieces (in their 30's) absolutely love their English riding boots, and find them fashionable, even though they have no interest in riding! Think it is great when ladies go out and enjoy the outdoors, even when it is raining! Your friend, Monica

You're showing true determination Christie! Well-done girl. Please, provide a link to the head band that you mention, it seems worthwhile investigating. Cheers, Eve

Congratulations on the true start of your journey, the real life test and not so much the hormones. Hormones are easy, pop a few pills, an injection or a shot that if one forgets one day is not a big deal. But with the real life test we don’t forget but make a conscious decision to not dress for an event or a day. One when makes the decision not to dress in the opposite gender that says “I am hesitant”, “is this really what I want”. When I first started my real life test I had to deal with many things that would had been easier to not dress as female and very true when teaching self-defense classes but I persevered and this is what you and others need to do, be the female you are inside, outside, no excuses. I do wish you the very best in your journey to bringing the internal female to the physical world.

I can not fathom what you are going through to the level of anguish you are at now and do feel for you. I hope that somehow you can eventually climb out of this dark place you are currently in. What I will say is if things don't work out in September do not give up. You need to expand your horizons past your current physical environment (I have said that before) and consider a move to someplace that will be more open to your need to have breast removal. Next up, and this is extreme, if there is so much pain binding your breast consider not binding them, yeah it's probably unthinkable yet if the physical pain is so unbearable it might be worth trying, NOTE: I did not rate or score this blog entry for a reason, how can I "like" what you are going through? If there was "I feel sympathy for you" button I would click it. Does that make sense?

Eve, Im also sorry to hear you're leaving but I fully understand. I've also been much less active lately. For me, I never felt any difference about you being in the UK, nor for that matter, anything other than another sweet regular member and contributor. I know what you mean, though, that it's nice to receive feedback and exchange with others. I also wish you the very best. But also know that you're always welcome back, anytime, for as much or as little as you wish. Warm hugs, Emma

I am sure UK are somewhat different then the US counter-parts and can see this point. I wish you have a very happy life and take care,

It is interesting how perspectives vary on this. My thought was that Caitlyn probably suffered even more than me for a number of reasons. 1. She is older. She grew up before there was the Internet or much reliable information about transgender issues. I remember believing I was the "only one" in the world who felt this way. Caitlyn came up at a time when there was even less information and much less tolerance. 2. She became famous. Bruce Jenner was an American icon and was a hero to many. Bruce received endorsements such as Wheaties and became instantly recognizable in virtually every household in America. I can relate from being fairly well known in my home town and how scary it is that your "secret" might get out. Remember this was in an era when most of America was very intolerant. 3. Caitlyn probably realized she could never just disappear and then reappear as her female self. At the time of my transition (over 20 years ago) that is exactly what I did. I disappeared and reemerged as a female. Fortunately for me I passed pretty near flawlessly so I pretty much just got on with my life. Caitlyn probably didn't have that opportunity with Paparazzi hounding her. I believe Caitlyn's coming out will signal a turning point in how America views and treats transgender people. Or course there will still be ignorance and bigotry, but Caitlyn has people talking. Now, everybody knows somebody who is transgender -- or at least they feel like they do. I have never seen the outpouring of support that I am for Caitlyn. I do believe we're at a cross roads. Let's hope this will be the shift we've been hoping for.

Thanks ladies I've spent the last few days alone with my thoughts and it's been good to clear my read - refocus on my goals. Work and some toxicity from people had really gotten to me. A little bit of hermitting and your kind words have done a lot to get me back on my feet again.

Dear Mikah, Agree heartily with Eve and Christie! If I was not told, I would have assumed your picture was that of a cisgender female! You have beautiful hair, skin and smile! Mikah, you are welcome at my book club anytime! Please, I beg everyone, do not self-destruct in any way, as God made you beautiful women, inside and out! Your friend, Monica

Dawn, that's an absolutely awesome entry, it's not often that I hear so much happiness in a blog. I see so many similarities with myself. I truly feel the same way about the anti-trans pills....ugh horrible thought ! I was also 55 when I ditched my shame, and started to become myself, and there's no way on earth that I'm going back to be male, female is ssoooo much better, like coming out of a monochrome world and entering a technocolour world. Hugs Eve x

Also, you don't have to settle for being either a boy or a girl. You are no less transgender, no less human, and no less valid if at times you feel male or female, both or neither, all of these positions are valid and true expressions of transgender identity. And if you feel 100% girl, then that's who you are and that's fine too. Love Charl -o0o-

Crissiesan, you are far from being alone with these feelings, many of us have and will deny them but if you are destined to be female then as you get older these feelings will become stronger and as with many undeniable but of course this may simply be a desire to dress in the opposite gender which may very well feel like you should be female. The only true way to find out if you are transgender, crossdresser or (let's call it confused) a false/positive where false/positive means you think you should be female be don't fit into the need to transition nor dress in the opposite gender. So this is the task of a therapist who is well versed with gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria can simply be that a mother was dominate in the household or that one played more with the other gender, I am not a therapist so these are only educated guesses. Without a therapist many go down a dark road that leads to nothing good and can very well cause a train wreck. Best to find out now and learn what the steps are to move forward.

Dear Dawn, I love your post; it really speaks to me. I wonder what my life might have been like if a therapist had said those words to me, too. I was so ashamed of my feelings for so many decades... I was even afraid to admit my feelings to a therapist! Which seems stupid now, but my shame was in control. No more, no more. Anyway, you deserve such accolades for what you have accomplished. Good for you. I hope we hear from you more often! hugs, Emma

Lisa, I think your letter is excellent, really. My only suggestion is to add a short paragraph between paragraphs one and two where you explain what gender dysphoria is. I think that is something we here all understand intuitively but for most others it's new language. Other than that, it's perfect. Best wishes, Emma

Monica, thank you for the feedback. My mind is starting to emerge from the confused fog that it has been these last few months. I am now starting to have moments or periods of clarity. Thank God. Because I thought I was going crazy there for awhile. It just took me some time to find those marbles that I lost and pop them back into my head again! Lol! I am so thankful for this forum and opportunity to blog. This was something that did not exist just a few years ago. And thank you for shepherding us. You have been a wonderful moderator! Love, Lisa

Lisa, Can't improve on it! Please, everyone, weigh in on this! Monica

I am fairly early on in the process, but it takes some people a long time to process things, or they just don't know what to say! We can can be intimidating!! Lol! That being said, sounds like an awesome conversation.

It is ashame people have to be this why towards their fellow mankind/womankind. I truly hope the days to come do not weight heavy on you because of these people. This might be the perfect time to have some cheese, chocolate and wine while watching a good movie to erase the troubles of the day.

You look lovely the way you are!

When of the things I learned early on when in sales about Bloomingdales was too always present angry/frustrated customers with a smile, sympathize with them. Currently as a moderator for one of the largest programmer forums at Microsoft for a language known as C# I deal with similar things and do the same in posting back to them. It is always better to not fight them but instead see their point and educate them. There will always be a small amount that never will see eye to eye but I think you and your mother have the right attitude and will be just fine. The sad thing is when a trans* person must contend with people in public, seldom we have the time to educate and must resort to different methods to walk away safely. I teach various forms of self-defense and always tell my students that the first thing is to ask yourself "Can I walk away from this" and combine this with "Should I had been there is the first place". I am the same way with were I elect to write about trans issues and if a site has bashers I think "should I really be here knowing full well there are those haters here?" So instead find places such as this site and similar sites to post information as I truly have better things to do then educate haters which may not sound like a good thing but life is too short for this. Any ways thanks for sharing your thoughts and wish you all the best in your life ahead.

Excellent blog, I don't come across haters very often, but when I do, I must remember and quote your phrase, "I hope that you find peace and happiness in life. If you do, you won't feel the need to harm others or want them to feel bad about themselves." A real dinosaur killer!

Your mother is very wise, and you are too to follow in her footsteps. I agree with you both: try to stay kind, patient, and forgiving. The opposite doesn't work! It never does.

I'm so excited for you!

Dani, I think I see your point. An example might be use of the "n-word" for blacks. I occasionally hear one black using it to another as if they have a common bond, like "Hey bro, mind if I ask a favor of you?" (Replace 'bro' with the n-word.) But, notice that even in this message I'm not spelling out the n-word. Why? Because I know how much weight and hurt that word carries. "Tranny" has similar baggage. As does "she-male" and others. Oh sure, I can imagine that in the right setting, I might joke with Veronica that way if we were both dressed en femme. But for me I'd prefer not to hear it. What about changing public perception? I think we have enough to contend with regarding acceptance and support for trans people. Trying to also "change the meaning" of what is used as a derogatory slur seems too much. I recall the days in the 60s when my grandfather used the n-word when talking about blacks. And I remember when "black" and "gay" words emerged as friendly terms for blacks and homosexual men. I think we need to follow in their footsteps. Last, I'd like to express my appreciation for your bringing this up for discussion here. That's a good thing to do. You go, Girl! Emma

Great ideas for blogging Lori, I'll give 'em a shot! Thanx!