stephani

So, you see after Forever I am adding a new blob giggles. Yeah a big pile of blob, why eh I suppose because here is a place just to dribble out some thoughts without disturbing the flow of a thread, or a means to vent without disturbing the flow of the forum. I know that not everyone appreciates my opinions or views on life, wether or not if it has anything to do with transition or not, not everyone will, I respect that, I do. That being said, some times you just want to reach thru the screen and grab the other person and give em a bit of a shaking lol. Ahhhh you twat giggle Smile everyday even when some self absorbed thumb sucking twat struggles through life and wishes to drag you along for the shitty ride. Oops PG nah you know better coming here, yup you do don't you, that's why you read my posts because in the end of it all I will never lie to you why should I I don't expect you to lie to me, if you think I am a blow hard big mouthed deisel dyke who prattles on tell me that because I will tell you your a twat. Smiles and laughs. Thanks Mom and Aunts for my understanding no one wants needs or deserves to be Molly coddled. You know it's been a hell of a trip but in general transition is fine, yeah I wish I had done a few things differently but for the most part, it's exactly what I knew it would be, life in a different pair of pants. Just go live your lives free from the delusion transition will change everything, because it won't, you will change what you see needs to be changed, you will feel it's over when you feel it, no one can control you unless you allow them to. Grow up be an adult and live the last bit of this life you have to it's fullest. And yeah life can beat the hell out of you just drag your butt up and say is that the best you can do well here you go I can take it.

Oh hun, it's becoming ever evident to me that relationships are over rated , for 23 years now I have been a truck driving diesel dyke and at this point of my like I can say proud to be, I have always felt I needed to have " that someone waiting at home " and so I did just that convenient relationships ones that understand I come home seldom and am in no way interested in going out after getting home. Is this fare no I suppose not yet I pay all the bills, do all the household work when I get home and don't want, need sexual interactions, I have gone without for so long I am no longer interested. Is it a bad thing this being alone, set in our ways, I think He'll No, your lists of why you live alone gave me a bit of a chuckle because a lot of the list was my thoughts for me. Connection is a wonderful thing but so is a bit of are you kidding me what the hell adds a lot to ones life, I can get that from co workers, or friends and some times from my beagle Skipper trust me he is a joy, a pain, a wonderful addition, no not everyone wants or needs a pet/fur baby but for some of us just what we need. I am glad to know a bit more about you I love having you just a tap on the screen away, your opinions matter and the site Bennifits from your being here. Hugs hun

Interesting, I have the same feelings about those who criticize or mock or ridicule any one that does not fit into the generally accepted gender binary they are afraid of receiving the same treatment so they often times will not pursue their true want and desire to pursue that in which they desire most, the unknown factor the other gender what ever you or they wish to call it, I myself could care less about their sexual desires ( as far as the male species is concerned ), and since I am in a relationship nor am I seeking the affections of another. It is at times flattering to hear one thing from their mouths then see their true feelings in body and facial expressions, it is really quite comical in my opinion. So to say they who torment those within the nonconforming gender binary are truly seeking affections and responses to increase their self worth and attain some sort of dominant stance over yet another conquest within their lives. Yes I believe this is true enough. Stephani

Welcome, and thank you for sharing your life and plans with us all. Hugs Stephani

(1) give me the basic (without names or using fictitious names) description of the type of relationship you are/were involved in, OK, The relationship Prior to transition for me was one of a woman playing a heterosexual Males Role, unfortunately in doing so for the first 9 Years of our relationship/Marriage I was allowing myself to be physically Raped in the name of Matrimony, after years of self torment I learned to hide the pain away I no longer had to run to the shower within 15 minutes of fulfilling my duties as a man just to try and wash the pain and disgust off of my body ( even though this males body served a purpose I still felt dirty and unclean ) then for the next 8 years I just shut down and went through the motions, fulfilling her needs over mine. But now isn't that what we do prior to transition, fulfill every ones needs, wants, and desires over and before our own needs. Next for The following Two years after coming out to my then partner we had Homosexual relations this being one woman with another woman, Lesbian as it were, the first year I finally felt now this is so much better she stated the same reaction, No more BS, just pure Love for the other not expecting something as a result of the act just enjoying the companionship and the feelings that comes from a true open relationship, then it turned to her pulling away and no longer wanting to participate in such a relationship she wanted a man not a woman yeah it was fun and exciting for a while but as she said she was not a lesbian, easily understandable and I accepted the fact, then towards the end of the second year after the Hormones had really started doing their job she forced me out of the house and thus making me homeless and shortly after out of employment . (2) the gender of each partner (trans-partner has pre transition and post transition/gender identified as listed), I have always Identified as Female, pre and post transition, my partners have always been Female, pre and post transition, my current partner is also MtF yet I see her as Female, she as well has always been Female Pre and Post Transition, I see her only as a woman. (3) sexual orientation of both partners (pre and post transition listed if different), Pre Transition I was forcing myself to be the typical Heterosexual Male, Post Transition I am Lesbian. My partners pre transition were all heterosexual females, post transition my partner has been a Lesbian. (4) years together (pre marriage/civil union and years married/in union), The number of years I was with my Ex was for 20 years, 2 years later I am still trying to save up for a divorce, life ain't no ballroom nor glass slippers, so total 22 years. (5) whether or not you and your partner survived the transition as a couple, To answer that Yes I survived Transition but my Marriage did not, My Ex survived my transition and the ending of our marriage. and (6) any types of aiding devices used by you and/or your partner (please specifically list what type of aid you used and can include but does not have to be limited to therapy with a counselor, peer support groups, social networking, reading books or journal articles). Aiding well giggles No aiding Sexually, Mentally now I sought out a Gender Psychologist and did what every good girl does when she is told she has to follow rules, yeah I followed the rules and in doing so I was claimed and deemed fit to live my life as a woman, yeah to be allowed to live my life only through the rules set forth by Men. What a joke, if your going to start living your life just do it don't wait to be allowed to by another who holds some sort of mystical gift the gift is you giving yourself the right to live your life no one can give that to you but yourself. I hope this aided you in your search for information, I hope to answer many more if for nothing more then comic relief , every thing I attest to is true and in no way should be considered false, I may add a quip now and again but this ol bag of hammers is blunt. Hugs Stephani Paige Ryan

Well the first quest was " ARE YOU GAY?" , my response was well yes I am a Lesbian, her response was " I Ain't!", well then I see problems a bruin is what struck my mind at that moment, but onward and upward we went Two hours of tears and questions.... then months of tears and questions, and then years of tears, and no more questions..... just unanswered sorrows. So your question leads me to believe you have many answers to questions yet asked, Do you? lol, of course you do we all do, will those answers play out to the questions of the answers you should be looking for. I know that the years that I remained with my now Ex has many questions that the answers never matched up to, but what I have learned is that those questions are irrelevant now and need not be asked nor answered. I tried for a long time after my final separation to figure out what I had done wrong in the whole scheme of things the answer I found within my own heart was I had done everything I could have she was gone the moment I openly told her, well not quite that moment because that talk would come seven years after the first time I told her who and what I truly was, ain't that a bite in the tail, seven more years before she would finally listen to me and hear what I had been telling her for years. Question.... What does that Make You Question.... What does that Make Me Question.... Where does this Leave Us Question... What am I suppose to Do Now Question... What are You going to Do Now Question... Are We Staying Together Question... What will You do after You start " Transitioning " Question... What am I suppose To do about the rest of the family Question... What about Your Job Question... Where am I suppose to Live Question... Are You going To Leave Me for a Man(Woman) Question.... Is This Your Way Out Of Our Marriage Question... How Long Have You Been Planing This Question... Why Did You Marry Me Question... You Don'T Think Your Staying Here Do You Ok here's just a start to the list that seems to never end but it will trust me it will end. the next thing you'll see is your partner is no longer walking beside you and more to the side and behind you and your going to ask " why aren't you walking with me " " are you embarrassed to be seen with me ", the usual response, No I am just watching the peoples reactions to how womanly you are .... Yeah watch how twitchy she gets you'll know she's pushing a load your way. Hugs Stephani