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WTG Warren... I'm glad the therapy session went well. I'm glad that the receptionist realized you needed to see a different therapist than the one you were slated for. That could also have made all the difference in the world. It almost sounds like you were to see a [general] therapist (or some other), and they realized you would be better off seeing someone experienced with gender issues. -Michael

Warren's not been signed in since yesterday (17 Nov). I hope he went to his appointment. I hope he survived his appointment. Maybe all went well and he's out celebrating! -Mike

If you express to a therapist how long you have felt like you belong in the boys camp, and s/he tries to suggest, at your age (and before s/he even gets to know you a little), that it is just a phase, I would say that therapist is a left-over from the old school, and that you need to find another one. No doubt going to a therapist for the first time is scarey. Or at least enough to make one slightly nervous, but I think you are anticipating a nightmare where there is no reason to believe there will be one. You've named every reason in the world to keep that appointment. -Michael

I've had my fair share of nervous smiles, glares, stares, frowns, and gasps of exasperation or indignation. I've endured the indiscernible twitterings of which I am the topic, obvious by the unapproving sideways glances in my direction. I've watched some step back in horror as we meet in the doorway. It's clear in that fleeting moment that they believe one of us is entering or leaving the wrong place. I love those incidents... funnier than hell... I came out of a multi-stall bathroom once (I was the only one in there at the time), only to find a woman waiting outside. She briefly made eye contact then breezed past me and into the bathroom as I cleared the doorway. Interaction between this woman, her companion and the wait staff indicated she was a regular, so she knew the bathroom had several stalls, and the main door did not have a lock on it. So I wondered, why was she waiting for me to come out of the bathroom before she went in? Quite often, the bathroom is the last stop before I walk out my door in hopes that I will not have to pee again before returning home. I look for single-use restrooms. If there are none, I note the times when the bathrooms appear to be less likely crammed with women, and I will go to a stall that is as far back as possible. Or I will go to a bathroom that is somewhat out of the way - the ones that no one wants to walk so far to. When travelling alone... because my STP is "always ready," I usually just find an out of the way place to pull over, and water the grass.

Hello kerig... and welcome. Lot of info and topics scattered all throughout the many forums as Emma has mentioned - no one forum is really restricted to any particular group. But while you are cruising around TGG...be sure to check out the FTM Transsexual Disccusion board also. There are many great topics, lots of information, and of course... some things that do apply primarily to us guys. -Michael

"You know that look on someones face when you say you have bad news and that curling of the nose as they listen to something they need to do? That was his response. Kind of like "Ugh....this again....Dont like it."" --Warren That doesn't sound good. Even though you've mentioned the two of you have about your true identity before, maybe it's time to do it again. And maybe this time, you could ask your b/f to consider couples counselling. At this point, I don't see him taking this seriously. It almost sounds as if he thinks this will go away. After a while, his indifference and dismissal of your true self could cause you to begin to resent his attitude, and eventually resent him. -Michael

"I cant do physically being near someone for serious social interaction. I get nervous and anxious just thinking about it." -Warren Maybe it will be necessary to deal with this issue some, to pave the way for working on the gender identity issues....but work on it you should as Emma has indicated. I also do not envy what you're going through... but then, we really don't have to - we all are going through it to some degree. And some have already been through it. However, I do envy that you have the chance to take this thing by the horns at your age - most of us didn't have that opportunity when we were your age. -Mike

Hang in there, dude. Only 7 days to go...then you can dump all this square in the middle of your therapist's desk.

"Photo: Some years ago we visited Rodin's Museum in Paris. It was a cold day in January, and wow, The Thinker was right outside! Seems like an appropriate photo for today's post." -Emma I was thinking the same thing before I finished reading the first paragraph. -Michael

LOL... wow! You do not know how much I can relate to, and understand, the anger you describe, and that laces this blog entry (whether you intended for it to or not). But I also understand the other two emotions... tolerating things (just barely) as they are. And then the physical hurt, the pain that keeps me teetering on the edge of tears. But it seems that the anger is the worse. It's like I can do nothing about it but let it run it's course. On the days the anger has a death grip on my silicone huevos, I cannot read certain TGLB articles depending upon the topic, I cannot read certain posts here on the forums - sometimes none at all. All I can do is sign in and make sure no one has come here acting like an idiot, or trying to use our forums for their spam. To be "ma'am'ed" twists my insides into knots to the point that it sometimes makes me flinch. Someone (most often another man) innocently opening a door for me makes me wanna rip the door from it's hinges and beat the living crap out of him. Yeah...the anger... geez. The anger. <shaking head> I think only three things keep me from snapping: ................. My girlfriend. She somehow knows how to get my mind off things and calm me down. She is my one-woman support group. It seems she can make me smile on my worst days. ................. TG Guide. Knowing there are people here that can relate, and accept me for my true self. ................. And now I have another little furry child. Dogs (pets in general I guess) love you no matter what. To her, I'm just that human critter that loves her and that she can depend on. And if I tell her that I'm "Daddy," she doesn't question it, or look at me stupid, or try to tell me otherwise. -Michael

"Your manager screwed up initially but for some reason came around. Maybe someone (like your friend) talked to him. No matter, at least he's gone on record to support you." -Emma I try to think and believe positive...but I can't help but believe this joker did not have a change of heart in regard to Warren - he realized that his actions could get him in hot water if the issue found its way to his superiors or even further. Personally...I believe he came back to cover his butt. "My biggest problem isnt physical violence. It's not emotional outbursts. It's my past that I worry about. My self harm. I've done good so far, over a month harm-free. But this...This has pushed me over the limit. Tonight's going to be a long night." -Warren Keep hammering out the blogs, and posts in the forums. Wear the keyboard out...that's what they're for. -Michael

Sometimes, I feel it's more like a hole I'm in... not just a dip, as a dip in a road. But a deep a** hole. Deep. Really deep. And no one knows I'm there. They don't even know I'm missing. Because they don't know I exist....

My thoughts on this topic have not been popular with quite a few, and has even drawn a bit of restrained ire from those who claim to be crossdressers only. But I've been hanging around TGG for quite some time as anyone can tell by my profile. I spent time on another transgender website/chat/forum before I came to TGG. To date, those I've chatted with, and discussed various issues with, who said they were not transgender, but crossdresser only, and were very adamant about it, have one-by-one eventually "come out" as trans. While I do believe there are those who crossdress purely for fetishistic reasons, and perhaps the drag queens who dress strictly for entertainment, I believe all the rest are really transgender and they just haven't come to terms with it yet. Just my opinion. -Michael _______________________________________________ I have never considered myself a crossdresser, although the definition for cross dressing is the wearing of clothing intended for the opposite sex - the term does not automatically apply only to male-bodied individuals wearing women's clothing. I have always felt that I was wearing the clothing appropriate to my identity - so how can I be cross dressing.

I never thought of the clothing as an addiction....but I guess both of you are right. One thing leads to another, and you find yourself needing more and feeling like you can't get enough. But now...I've been doing it for so long, that I have come to a point where IF something comes up and it may mean that I will not be able to wear men's clothing, it causes great stress, and that in turn triggers anxiety attacks. I find myself coming up with any reason, excuse or lie (yes, straight up LIE) as to why I cannot participate in the event that would have demanded I dress contrary to my true identity. -Michael

I agree that the two of you need to sit down and really talk about your relationship and each one's identity. I don't know if "couples counselling" would help or not. Thing is... I get the impression your b/f is not gay, and probably not even " While we often hear of wives who remain with their MTF spouses even though those wives are not lesbian, or even bisexual for that matter, I think it might be a bit rare for straight males to remain with their FTM partners. Work on the relationship. Get help if possible. But you should also be prepared for the relationship to end if your b/f can't see himself in a relationship with man. -Michael

"At first it were overwhelming, and I started out small. Something trivial at first, something that wont make a huge impact on the way I dressed. Yet. Boxers." Actually.. underwear was the about the last article of men's clothing that I bought. I had been wearing boy's/men's desert boots starting in junior high... though I'm wondering if cost might have had anything to do with it as back then it was very common for boys items to be much less expensive than those for girls. After high school, I started buying men's jeans when I discovered that not only did they fit me better, they didn't have to be cut off and hemmed - ALL women's jeans and slacks are apparently made for 6' tall customers. Except for one pair which I wore only 3 or 4 times and then ended up giving to my Mother, I haven't worn a pair of women's jeans since. I ended up in a job where dress was jeans (or work slacks), steel-toed boots and uniform shirts, ballcaps and jackets or coats. This just made things even easier for me, giving me an excuse to buy socks and t-shirts out of the men's department. Eventually, I started buying men's shirts, jackets, sweats, sneakers - you name it. I was pretty well dressed head-to-toe in men's outer wear before I finally bought any underwear. LOL... no one can see your skivvies, yet I was more scared to be caught in a pair of jockey shorts than to be seen fully outfitted in men's wear. I wished I had bought them sooner though, as I discovered that they were cooler, a million times more absorbent, and not itchy. They don't creep up places you don't want them, and of course - no flowers and butterflies and bows and crap.

Ahhhhh, the old "he-can-do-no-wrong" employee. Yeah. I worked with someone like that one time when I was really young. A belligerent, condescending, know-it-all, grouch. Yep... been there, done that. Hang in there.

When I joined TGG, I chose "male" because I didn't really like the idea of being trans. In some ways, I felt that by calling myself trans, I was admitting that I wasn't really a guy. I didn't like the idea of calling myself trans because I had been "living as a man" online for several years before I ever joined any transgender website. While I've sorta backed off that mindset some, I still would prefer to call myself male. Another reason I've never cared for the word "transgender," is because it is not my gender that is wrong, but my physical sex. I understand however, why there was the preference to move away from the word "transsexual." As for "other," well, as moderator, I've come to immediately suspect a member who chooses "other," as that is the choice made most often by spammers. I see that in a profile that looks otherwise "normal," my spidey senses start tingling... ___________________________________________ I've enjoyed the images you've been including in your blog entries, and I especially appreciate the descriptions that you give us for those images. -Michael

Dunno why I found it surprising that chefs could get into it. But, chefs are human too. And...is this guy, Dave, not going to be called on the carpet for going psycho in front of customers?

It's always good to have someone who loves you...and continues to love you, and support you even after they find out... -Michael

I tried to post earlier, but lost internet connection. I'm glad it worked out that way, though, because I had nothing to suggest to deal with the constant barrage of female terms of endearment, and female pronouns/references - Emma has offered some good ideas. I too hope all goes well with the boss, and that you don't get fired. -Mike

I've washed mine by hand only a few times - I've never been into washing things by hand. On the few occasions I have washed my binder by hand, I did so only because I had no choice. I just toss mine in the washer. I did call Underworks one time to find out if it was safe to use OxiClean on the binder to remove stains, but they had never tested the product on the binders, so couldn't answer my question. I went ahead and tried it on an old binder, and it worked well. But I've not made it a habit. I've been using Axe body spray for about seven or eight years, but I use it more like a cologne than a deoderant spray. I just spray a quick shot on my upper arm right about at the shoulder after I put my binder on. That way, I'm not dragging my binder over the spray. I too wondered if the spray might damage the binder, and is why I began applying the spray after putting the binder on. -Mike

I'm not sure what the "Torso Compression Tank" is, but I am familiar with Underworks (Manshape retailer?). It is my understanding that some compression tops have more to do with working out, or are designed for posture or back trouble. What many of us began using as "binders" were actually gynocomastic or post-surgical compression tops for men. Sports compression tanks are not meant for, and will not, suppress and/or conceal excess breast tissue. It appears that Underworks has overhauled their website, as now, there is not just a page to items they discovered many transmen were using, there is actually like a website now, f2mbinders.com - it is still Underworks. I have always ordered #997 Double Panel Compression Shirt, however, it appears that Underworks (f2mbinders) has changed some model numbers, as this number returns an item that I have never had before. You can find more information about Underworks and other sites and binders in the thread As for putting your binder in the dryer, unless something has changed in the last year or two, Underworks advises that the compression shirts not be put in the dryer, and you should also not use bleach or fabric softeners during washing. I do not know the reasons for these care instructions, but I have adhered to them religiously. I have one binder that is almost 10 years old - and I wear mine 365 days of the year. If your binder is too tight, you could possibly cause issues with circulation and breathing. It's best to order your shirts according to Underworks' sizing charts. You might also have to try different models. -Michael

Nature is good... still gets you out more. I don't think you have to have all that great of a camera. If you have a cell phone...use the camera feature on that. Then later...if you begin to discover that you really like photography, you could buy an inexpensive camera. You'd be surprised that you don't need a high dollar camera to take good pix. All you really need is a steady hand, and a good eye for spotting a good subject. -Michael

I also draw. My g/f thinks I do it to escape the real world - no doubt the reason you've gotten into RP. She can tell by how much drawing I'm doing when things are bothering me. I go on "benders," much like an alcoholic, drawing like a mad hatter - sometimes for days, sometimes for weeks. Drawing never hurt anyone though. Continue working on your outlets. It appears the drawing and writing are doing a good job of keeping you from self-harming. I also write, but very seldom. I am only just beginning to get into a little bloggin (not gender related). I did quite a bit of writing poetry between 2005 and 2006, but I haven't really done much since except for a few silly "quotes" which I add to my profile when they hit me... Perhaps you could consider adding photography to your outlets. It could help you with anxiety around people. -Michael