KarenPayne

Bandaids' eventually in this context stop working and give way to you needing to make a decision to continue life unhappily or to take a step towards your true self. What your true self is can only be learned by being completely honest with yourself. Is transitioning right for me or can I find solus in dressing female? This is best done (and I am sure you know this) by working with a therapist that understands the nature of transgender.

When my time came I was unwavering in my decision unlike many who struggle coming to terms with what path to take. This decision was a long time coming and just knew it was the right path else I would had would be going though life living a lie. One might think they can get by wearing female clothing and it may be right but if over time it's not and you should had transitioned one might find it is too late for whatever reason and that leads them to that dark place which there may be no returning from. There are countless stories written that tell a sad tale in that the person that did not make a firm decision loses hope, goes into despair on a downward spiral that might lead to one taking their own life, it is that profound what the brain of a transgender can do.

Make your choice now before it gets to that dark place.  

Glad to hear things are going well for you, woohoo.

What I get out of this entry is that you are sure this is the right path yet a familiar theme has emerged in that family does not condone or is accepting of your gender dysphoria. Since you seem sure that this is the right path then I would say you need to find friends who are supportive along with seeking out a local group that you can talk too. What you don't want is to go through this alone if at all possible and I speak from experience that came from others along with allowing others into my life. One can only hope that given time all or some of your family will come to embrace you as you were meant to be, a female and that you have no choice in this matter.

One of my recent things was joining a car club, a fresh start with people who don't know I was formerly male and find me not only meeting up every Saturday for coffee and a drive but also getting together with other members during the week. You might consider doing something similar like joining a bowling league, a book club or something similar that when doing so decide if it's right to expose yourself as a male on the path to becoming a female where of course your comfort level of (hate to say this) of passing dictates how you present yourself.

Best wishes on moving forward to blossom into the woman you are meant to be.      

I have met one, that's it.

The newer Camaro is far from a poor man's sports car unlike years ago but unsure of the newer one's performance. Any ways I needed something small, compact, has all the neat features (this morning I learned it tells me if I am driving over the speed limit) and it does. 

@Monica, well I can indeed see where you are coming from and now know even with C cup that I too can't sleep on my stomach any more.

@Veronica, no that does not sound funny and makes senses. I know why sleep would not come to me, had a ton of coffee and a two hour nap in the afternoon. When I say a ton of coffee, in the morning two 20oz jolts and in the afternoon another and then after dinner another 

To be blunt, the norm is wives can't bare their husband "in transition" but may tolerate it. Then comes transitioning, it takes a very special connection between a man and woman for a marriage to survive full transition from male to female. You have to place yourself into their shoes knowing nothing about gender dysphoria, answer the question now in how you would respond to this then even when truthful to yourself take it down a notch because even when truthful there will be parts of your brain that still subconsciously relates to being transgender and will undoubtedly will side with "I can at least try".

Sorry to be blunt and to the point but this is how things happen to the average couple.

With that said I hope somehow the both of you can work things out but be realistic going in to the struggle as it is a struggle and in one sense of the word war.

As my doctor said after I went for a visit after GRS, what you (me) have done is one of the most difficult things a human being can do. My doctor is 20 years post op and is very insightful in these matters. Talk to a therapist and more likely than not will either straight forward or beat around the bush what I said is the norm.

So as you indicated you can not go back to a male identity do your best to keep the fighting down, make concessions that may hurt to do but perhaps this might help as you move forward.

Best wishes as you move forward

Yes, the car has paddle shifters but as stated in the last part of the entry I have not taken time yet to work with them.

Hi Monica, I did not lose my job, I was referring to something I did outside of work which also paid when I taught but I never depended on these classes for supporting myself.

I was wearing (like any other day) a Pandora bracelet, a delicate butterfly necklace and a very plain thumb ring. Compliments are usually from females on my nails and  butterfly necklace. I was surprised recently that this young woman, think she is about 25 sat at my desk on work on a project and said I see you changed your nail color, I just love it. Woman seem to notice more what other woman are wearing. Me when male, eyes always focused on the woman, not so much what she was wearing. 

I do agree that jewelry can creating an opening as I have seen it happen.

​They were lured in  

Welcome aboard Kourtney, this is a great place to learn and grow, hope you enjoy your time here.

​My first thought is, if you had cancer they would remove them right?

If that is your only option how much reduction would they do?

I bet some places demand more for parking in NYC dependent on the area.

Christie, thinking about your MG midget, what started me on sports cars was when I was dating a woman back in my late teenage years who had a triumph spitfire, I had a custom van. We would trade back and forth and that is when I started my love affair with sports cars but waited thirty years to get one.

I can imagine what it cost to park and so forth in NYC, an arm and a leg most likely. The spot I rent for work is $60 per month and would guess in NYC would be a couple hundred dollars for the same parking spot.

​I was pulled over by a police officer which is a friend of mine that I had told him about the new car. He waited for me coming home, light me up. Comes up to the window and says do you know why I stopped you? I gave him a big smile and said "no officer, I have no idea" while I played with my hairl. He came back and said, I ought to smack you, I want that car and laughed. Then I showed him the cool stuff inside e.g. the electronics.

Hi Christie, 

Having transitioning front and center would seem like the predominant reason for your insomnia and right behind this medication from surgery.

Although when I have insomnia from time to time it's for different reasons, I can't shut my brain off, will lay in bed with my brain very active contemplating a problem associated with a problem (or as I think of it as a challenge) say with writing code for software at work. The thoughts are undeniable in that it's not subconcious.

I am sure for you and many like you there are indeed so many things going on right now that can overwhelm the brain to fold into your new existence as a female. Seeing a doctor or therapist should be at the top of the list for solving the core issue but I recommend adding something into your life that might help take your mind off of all the things weighing hard on your mind.

Having a friend that will stick by your side, do things with you is critical more than you can imagine right now. If you have one, get out with them and do things without dwelling on your transitioning. Go out for walks sometime in the early evening let your mind go free. Most people don't have a diet that is conducive to good health, look at changing yours and remove things in your diet that can cause you too have to much energy in the evening, yeah, been there done the wrong thing and paid for it, usually too much coffee.

If this has been going on over seven days try sleep aids, follow the instructions and see what happens over a two or three day period, if not helping make an appointment with your therapist and talk with them. They will know what questions to ask and your task it to be completely honest with them.

As my doctor told me (and I have written about this), transitioning, including GRS is one of the toughest things a human can do which means we will not come through this larger than life event unscaved, there will be battle scares that take time to heal or not heal which is why having a therapist is essential to your well-being.  

DON'T allow yourself go to that "dark place" in your subconscious because you did not or waited too long to see your therapist (and I have to say this) and don't ever consider self-medicating as unlikely as it may be in your mind. Once the brain latches onto what appears inescapable it becomes hard to climb out of it which leads to things I don't have to write down here. 

DON'T dismiss this as something that will pass if over a weeks time you still can not sleep.

DO address the issue now and prevent permanent mental scares for following you through the remainder of your journey

I have said this before, go to a quite place and self-evaluate yourself. Do I really need to transition? Is this right for me? then we have "I am out, how could I ever move backwards" I think many will think "I must move forward", it's human nature to want to continue and tough it out but that can have us be even in a worst place.

Your at the presupus of a possible new life, outside the door ready to enter into an entirely new world, think long and hard in that quite place as right now my guess is your brain is going into self-diagnoses at bed time because you are not otherwise.

Of course I am not someone who is a medical professional so take my advice with a grain of salt yet at the same time I have been on this Earth for close to sixty years in that I have life experiences of my own and known and read about others that assisted me in what I have said.

Best wishes on resolving the issues behind your sleepless nights   

Jeez, that is a long time, so sorry to hear this.

Hi Monica,

I have been using OralB purchased in 2005. The lady who cleans my teeth and the dentist told me I should not use toothpaste when cleaning but use a small amount as I have been so use to toothpaste. As to investment in dental health, have one dentist and a specialist for around the past 15 years. 

Well Nicky I can't "like this" on what happened to you as that is tragic, hopefully the VA will come through for you and don't have to fight too much for them.

I think it's wise to track changes. For me I never noticed small changes as I was (and didn't realize it) pretty much female hormonally even before hormones. My first test for HRT indicated I was just above the low side for a cisgender female.

In regards to sex drive, I learned that it did not go away and did a test each week to see if I could still climax. I would pleasure myself fully tucked which meant I could not wrap my hand around that unwanted thing between my legs. For the entire year prior to surgery I still would climax and would add that I needed erotic thoughts else nothing would transpire. That is an important element, one must have thoughts for arousal to take place. Same is true after GRS, something arouses me and within seconds after seeing or hearing something that spawns arousal everything is pinpointed to my clit and radiates outwards. If there is nothing to arouse than I could go a week or so and nothing happens. It's all in the mind and what it conjures up for the physical to be triggered into that fun state.

Anyways keep up your updates, love to hear them.

Lots of people don't open their eyes when taking pictures, I was one a while back but learned to open my eyes, the smile came naturally where it did not in the past because I was a misplaced girl in a boys body.

Congratulations Christie!!!

Monica, no help needed here and no cry for help  Never been abused or gang raped and no denials what-so-ever. I figured someone might think this but has no truth. Lastly, this will never happen again.

I agree Monica, female intuition does exists yet some ignore it. Many good examples can be found in the book The Gift of Fear. I have it and like many did not believe I had it but in time after my real life test embraced it.