Emma

Hey Warren, I know it's weird to open up to a stranger, so please be patient and let him/her help. They will ask you questions and try to get a conversation going. Try to just go with the flow. Imagine, their whole focus is on you for your time. It will take a few meetings to break the ice, get to know each other, and see what you can do together. I am very impatient and want to "get it done," and I'll bet you will be too. Just try to let it happen at its own pace. It's totally okay to tell them if you're frustrated, impatient, pissed, anything. You may be reluctant to do this at first, we all are. But remember what Emma told you. She's there with you, my friend. Emma

Warren, as one who played the "game" with the therapist for >30 years, let me tell you, it ain't worth it. I automatically put on a happy face. It's hard for me not to. But look how much life and time that has cost me? I'm very lucky to be here now and I don't envy what your are going through at your age. Please take full advantage of whatever they offer. Don't BS them. You'll just be wasting your time and money, and slowing your progress. It takes real courage to do this. I didn't have it. But look at what all you have done? You're awesome, Warren. Be courageous. I know you can. But the time with therapists is short, typically 50 minutes. So you need to be organized. Consider outlining (on paper) your story and what you want from him/her. And bring copies for both of you. Emma

Oh, Warren, I'm so sorry to hear this. You don't deserve any of this crap, no one does. I think you said that you're going to have a therapist appointment soon. When? I hope it's soon. I'm sure you need someone to talk to. Can you call them tomorrow to try to expedite the meeting? Emma

Yeah, Michael's awesome, isn't he? You are too, Warren.

According to Google, the definition of transition is: "the process or period of changing from one state or condition to another." In the context of transgender, my sense is that it means moving toward a more final condition of living full time, HRT, and quite possibly, surgery. If you don't mind, I'd like to put a finer point on it and hear some feedback. In my career in high-tech marketing/sales we often used the phrase "we don't know what we don't know" to underscore our lack of understanding that would develop as we explored further. I think I'm there now. I have my doubts that I'll want/need HRT or SRS but I don't know what I don't know because I'm so early in my exploration. I trust that with experience I'll gain insights that will make this more clear for me. I admit I'm frightened. But long before profound changes like HRT/SRS there are other important transitions. Probably lots of them, but here's a couple: * Coming out to my therapist. Gee, that one took me >3 decades. Wow! * Accepting myself. Because of my therapist's wonderful support, friends and information here and elsewhere, I'm "getting it." But I still have times when I wonder... * Openly talking with my lovely wife. This is hard to do. She didn't sign up to this when we married. I know she loves me dearly but one has to wonder what her breaking point will be. We're in the middle of this now. And there are others, like going out and having a good time, in private, and making friends. Going out in public and achieving confidence and presence. Letting my family, neighbors, and friends know. So, I don't think there is such a thing as a singular "transition." I believe it's a continuum. But I am a newbie in many ways and am open to discussion and correction. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Sincerely, Emma Photo: Some years ago we visited Rodin's Museum in Paris. It was a cold day in January, and wow, The Thinker was right outside! Seems like an appropriate photo for today's post.

Dearest Warren, It's so good to see your latest post here. Your writing touches me. I do share your pain, worries, doubts, and sometimes, joys. I also wish there was a button one could push and instantly be done with it, either changing my DNA/sex/gender or society's beliefs/reactions or both. It is freaking frustrating that there isn't such a thing. About anger and sensitivity: I don't think it's testosterone but a natural reaction to the frustrations you feel. The situation we are in isn't fair at all. It seems to me that we can consider it in the "five stages of grief" model, where Anger is #2: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kübler-Ross_model Oh boy, we still have Bargaining and Depression to look forward to before reaching Acceptance. But hey, at least we're past Denial! The model isn't perfect for sure, and I believe we wax and wane between the stages all the time. But it helps me to have some sort of reference point. I was also feeling much the way you are the past few days. My wonderful therapist advised that I "listen to Emma," that she knows my heart. I still have my worries and hurts, but this helps me. So you, too: listen to Warren!. As you wrote, go be yourself, a transman. Replace Kristy's clothes and presence with Warren's. Be Warren, the guy who likes to get dirty, work on his car, works out. One piece of advice, perhaps worth 2c: don't drown Kristy. She's your heritage and will always be there for you deep down. It wasn't her fault either that you were born female. She loves you too. Be well, Warren, Emma

Michael, I thought exactly what you are about Warren's manager but based on Warren's description of the managers later actions and words, it seemed sincere. Regardless, we know where the manager's heart is. It's an ugly situation. Your advice to wear out the keyboard is right on. Emma

Hi Warren, Please don't hurt yourself. You're hurting enough without that. I hear you, where to go. Men's room = no. Women's room = no. I don't know what to suggest except that the women's room should be safe. Women are much less physically threatening than men, right? Warren, please take care of yourself. Don't cut or harm yourself. And let us know how you're doing. I will be so sad for you if you hurt yourself. Don't let them win. Sincerely, really, Emma

You both are so nice, thank you so much. It helps me more than you know to have you here and to read your posts. I'm feeling a little better today. I exchanged emails with my therapist who advised that I "listen to Emma," that her instincts are sound. I know he's right but it's scary, like in one of the Indiana Jones movies when he knew he had to walk across the chasm and trust that he wouldn't kill himself. I think this is a good example of how much TG Guide helps us. Friends like you are wonderful. Thanks so much, Emma P.S. Warren: I'll match your 2c, add it to Michael's, and we'll start a hedge fund or something. We'll be rich!

Dear Warren, I'm so sorry to hear of this. I can barely imagine how devastating it is to you. You are absolutely doing the right thing by telling us about it, and I assume also your BF, right? Your manager screwed up initially but for some reason came around. Maybe someone (like your friend) talked to him. No matter, at least he's gone on record to support you. I think you also did the right thing by cleaning out your locker. Some may disagree but at least you're removing the target from the coward who assaulted you. And that's exactly what he/she is, a F**king Coward, who can't stand up to you. Whatever, that is their problem not yours. My 2c suggestion? Hold your head high. Do a great job. Make your manager and your coworkers damned happy to have you on the team. And absolutely resist fighting or being angry on the level of the Coward. By holding the "high ground" you'll show the kind of good person that you truly are. But if you do trip up and get angry or emotional, that's okay kiddo. You're human after all, and dealing with something that takes a lot of bravery and courage. We're all right behind you, Warren. Sincerely, Emma

Michael, At the risk of also drawing ire, I tend to agree with you. It's a bit of chicken and egg: did I desire to be a girl first and then find it erotic, or, did I just enjoy getting off while crossdressed and fantasizing? Given my recent' discovery/acceptance that my desires of being female came long before puberty (like in preschool) my conclusion is that the erotic aspects came about because they were the only outlet left open to me. In elementary school I always fantasized about becoming a girl or waking up to be a girl as I went to sleep. It seems natural, then, that I'd also find it erotic to make love as a female. Emma

Warren, I think it's great that you had a sit down and talk with your BF. I'm afraid there is no other way if you and he hope to grow in your relationship. And from your experience with a trial separation it seems that you both do want to stay together. So keep talking! I know what you mean about being self-conscious. I think that comes from the doubts we have about our partners true acceptance. In a perfect world we'd be so self confident that it wouldn't matter what he thinks or says, but that's not the world we live in. You are already displaying a lot of courage to be yourself and now, understandably, you're looking for support. Perhaps in one of your talks with him, ask him more about what's going on for him. What support and affirmation does he need? Maybe by supporting him some of his urges to comment on your longer hair or old clothes will diminish. I hope so for your sake. Be well, Emma

Hi Michael, I'm sure you've heard the term "gender euphoria." I feel it when I get closer to my femininity, whether it's through clothing or opening up with others about my true self. But clothing is very tactile and visual, and with it we can express ourselves to others in a wonderful way. So that's why I also feel clothing can be addictive. You're to be congratulated, I think, that you're so comfortable in your skin and clothing that to wear anything else causes you stress and anxiety. And while you may have to lie to stay true to yourself you're actually being truthful, to yourself, which is the best way to be, I think. Be well, Emma

Dear Warren, You're a great brother to your sister there's no doubt of that. And I can imagine (I don't have siblings) how you might worry that as a brother some of what you used to do as sisters may not be appropriate. Honestly, I think it's all okay, what you did before and what you're doing now. You are FAMILY and it's okay to show it, with hugs, naps, and pinch and giggles. We all hear how men are supposed to suppress their feelings, and most do. I know that for me, suppressing everything just leads to sadness and heartache. So don't suppress yours. And good for you on your therapist appointment! The first few visits can be a little awkward as you each learn about each other and build safety and trust. So give it time. It's a wonderful feeling to have a place you can go to that is safe and you can talk about anything and everything without judgement and with full support. I love your photo! Best, Emma

I've been feeling a little blue today. Like yesterday I'm questioning myself and have a lot of fearful thoughts in my head that are hard to fight. I subscribe to emails from Leo Babauta, who writes on his site Zen Habits. He's a neat guy, with a lot of good suggestions. Just now I saw this email from him, which I copied directly below. I hope/assume he'd be okay with my doing this since I'm attributing it all to him. He didn't write this with people dealing with TG issues like me in mind. But the wisdom and insights apply, I think. I hope it helps me and you. Be well, Emma Pushing Past the Terrifying Dip in Motivation http://zenhabits.net/dip/ My son, who is officially an adult in a matter of days, is facing a small crisis: the project he’s working on is not going well, and he’s ready to give up not only on the project but the career he was excited about not too long ago. I can feel the horrible mixture of discouragement, disappointment, difficulty, despair he must be feeling, because I’ve felt it too. I’ve felt this punch in the gut whenever projects or new ventures didn’t go well. I’ve given up, and felt the disappointment in myself. And I’ve pushed through this discouragement, and felt so much better. Pushing through was always better. So I’m here to talk about how I push past what Seth Godin calls The Dip — that slump that we all hit when things get hard, which is (sometimes) before the place where things get great. How do we know if we’re in a slump or if we should just quit? We don’t. There’s no way to know the future. There are times when there are a bunch of good indicators that you should quit — customers aren’t responding, the market doesn’t support your work, there are better opportunities. But the feeling you have when you’re in a dip is not a good indicator that it’s time to quit. The feeling wants you to quit, but often you shouldn’t. Because if you do, you’ll never get great at anything. How to Push Through What do you do if you’re demotivated and disappointed? If things aren’t going well and you want to give up because they’re so hard? When you’re confused and overwhelmed? Push through. This is the time when you can show yourself what you’re made of: you can brace yourself for a heavy load, put your head down, and push, like you’re trying to lift the barbell at the bottom of a heavy squat. How do you push through when you don’t feel motivated? You start moving. Take just one step, any step, a tiny step. Movement begets movement. Once you start moving, even a little, you feel better, you see that you’re capable, you want to move more. You embrace the uncertainty and discomfort. Lots of people avoid these two things, but without them, you never get good at anything. You never learn anything worthwhile. Embrace these things and grow. You do it not for success or some end goal, but for the sake of learning. You do it because you’re tired of being in the pain of disappointment and regret. You want to get out of this dark hole, because staying in it sucks. You start moving because you don’t want to let your life be ruled by fear. You don’t want to give up every time you face resistance. You let yourself be moved by curiosity: wanting to know what it’s like to get past this, to push through discomfort. You want to find out how this chapter ends. You want to learn more about yourself. You do it because you want to build trust in yourself, and you realize that there’s nothing more important right now than that. You pause and remind yourself of the reason you started in the first place: it’s not for personal success but to help people, to strengthen yourself, to inspire others, to make someone’s life a little better, to put a smile on your face. And then you ask yourself: which is more important, this reason for doing this project, or your personal comfort? And you realize that your personal comfort matters little in this case. You push through because every time you face uncertainty and discomfort in the future, you want to know you’re good enough to push through. Take the first step right now, without thought, without hesitation. You have it in you. Photo: a foggy morning in Kirkenes, Finland, which is near the northernmost area, well above the Arctic Circle.

I think it's so wonderful that TGGuide supports both FTM and MTF people; it's fun for me to compare my journey and feelings. For example, I have to tell you, I hate boxers! I think I had one pair way way back. I didn't like the way you have to somehow smooth them down your legs inside pants or otherwise they're all scrunched up and uncomfortable. Worse, they don't hold anything in place if you get my drift. All flopping around which feels weird to me. So I always wore "tightie whities" growing up, and now Polo briefs by Jockey, which are cotton and very comfortable. And for my feminine expression we all know that I'm not allowed by society (or at least my own inhibitions) to wear feminine clothing articles unless I'm fully expressing myself as a woman. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you both for your postings and hope you continue. Emma

Hi Sara, Thankfully I have a great therapist. The best I've ever had, and he's helped me tremendously. And no, I don't mind your asking at all, and thank you for your interest. Regardless of having a great therapist I'm of course often thinking about things, and I've found that posting on this blog has helped me sort things out. When I started writing this one I really didn't know what the end was going to be. But as I reached the last paragraph the end became more obvious. I think it's worth posting because I really do like hearing feedback and ideas. It feels good to feel like I'm in a friendly community like TG Guide. And I also hope that others may find my writing helpful because they're going through similar issues. Thanks so much for your kind words and wishes. I wish you only the best as well. Sincerely, Emma

When I wrote my blog post about the "breaking of my fever" I asked myself if I was only experiencing the rush of gender euphoria. You know, that feeling of infatuation for a new love where you're so enthralled with finding the perfect soul mate... and you've only known them for a week or two. So, if my enthusiasm has waned even a bit, does this mean my journey is starting in the wrong direction? There are plenty of times when I reflect: Am I merely finding joy in exploring a childhood fantasy? Am I rationalizing or justifying my erotic desires? My God, I have so much, a wonderful partner and we share a wonderful life. What if I hurt this irrevocably? When I look back on this time am I going to have terrible regrets? Sure, I should just check into that Mindful Meditation Zen place and focus on the now, let the future take care of itself. Easy to say, harder to do. What to do? I recall Riley in the 20/20 show I posted about, the 11 year old transgirl. And the other girls there and in Just Gender. Let's face it, they're me and I'm them. But I also remember liking to play with slot cars, train sets, and building models of airplanes and ships. Maybe there's a happy medium for me in the gender spectrum. Probably is, I just need to find it. In the meantime I need to stay the course. It's been too many years drifting without a compass, unbearably unhappy, wondering what the hell was wrong with me but deep down knowing. I guess we all experience ambivalence at times. It's part of life. As transgenderism is part of mine. Emma Photo: Took this shot of a giraffe in Zimbabwe, I think. When we first arrived in South Africa I was shooting everything that moved. After two weeks, not as many shots. "Oh yeah? Another giraffe? Okay, thanks. I'll continue reading my book."

A follow up to my comment about the "crossdresser" label, please. I visited Carla's in San Jose today and spent about twenty minutes with Aejaie, the woman who bought the boutique from Carla four years ago. I told her about my feelings regarding the word "crossdresser" and she told me (in a nice way) that crossdressers would not like my comment that it's all about the clothes. She corrected my understanding that crossdressers want to project their feminine persona perhaps just like a transgender person like myself. The difference being that they're generally happy with their male gender and simply enjoy the experience(s). So, I can stand corrected. The differences between crossdresser and transgender may be subtle at least at the end of the spectrum where I am. But I'm sticking with my transgender label for myself as the crossdresser one still doesn't fit for me. Emma

Hey Warren, I'm glad you had such a nice time with your sister and sorry those feelings went down the crapper with your boyfriend. That just sucks, especially after having such a great day, with your being recognized as a male. Sounds to me like you need to have a heart-to-heart adult-to-adult conversation with your boyfriend (after you're both calm) about your feelings, and see how he reacts and what he says. It's painful to go through these things but we all do with our partners. After, you'll have a sense of whether or not you see yourself staying with him and no matter what, you can say to yourself that you did the right thing. I hope you take this as friendly advice from a friend, that's all it is. I may be reading the situation all wrong, which would be no surprise. Good luck, Emma

The documentary Just Gender has a short clip from a Barbara Walters 20/20 episode titled "My Secret Self: A Story of Transgender Children." You can (and I believe should) watch it here: One scene shows an 11-year old transgirl, Riley, with Barbara Walters. Riley is fully a girl on the outside and attends school as a girl although she must use the nurse's restroom. The school and students know she is biologically male and she is the brunt of childish teasing. When Barbara asks her how she feels when she's teased, her face crumples into such profound sadness and she starts crying. That touched me so deeply, from within my core. I just started crying too as I am starting to do now as I remember it. Elsewhere in the program, Barbara interviews the parents and their trans daughter, Jazz. Jazz's mother said "all of the younger male-to-female younger transgender children are obsessed with mermaids." Geez, I was too. I studied them in the movies, books, and cartoons so thoroughly. I really wanted to be a mermaid. While I found Just Gender to be extraordinary in its scope and depth, and I recommend it highly, this 20/20 program brought it all home for me. I really am transgender and always have been. It's not a phase, it's not sexual, it just is what it is, which is me. It helps me to talk about these topics here and I hope it will help others, too. I considered sharing some of my other pre-pubescent fantasies here to underscore this but I think you get the point. I really wanted to be a girl. Emma Photo: Just outside Cape Town, South Africa is a marvelous bird sanctuary called World of Birds. It spans acres and has thousands of birds. It's fenced in with mesh (the height is maybe forty or fifty feet above the ground) so visitors just wander through. I don't know what this bird is called but it's very pretty, isn't it?

I'd like to add a comment about the label "crossdresser." I don't like it, at least for me, at all. The reason is that it's as if it's all about the clothes, which it most definitely is not for me. I do like the feel of the fabric used in feminine clothing. But if that same feeling is present in masculine clothing it just doesn't do it for me. Why? Because what I think it's really about is my expression of myself with a feminine gender. Just before Halloween I visited a dance/costume store and bought a leotard and tights on the excuse that I needed them for a costume. (Yes, I'm a chicken. At least I'm free range organic.) The tights they provided were for male dancers - which I didn't want of course, but how could I refuse or ask for lady's? The leotard had a turtleneck which practically choked me so I had to exchange that. And while driving to the store I realized that the male tights were pretty expensive "for one night." So, I exchanged those too, for less expensive women's tights that are lighter weight. Success! Emma

I found this poem in my father's papers a few years ago after he passed away. And I found it again yesterday as I was (finally!) going through everything, trying to tidy things up. The poem really touches my heart and I think it's perfect for us here. Living the Dash I read of a man who stood to speak At the funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on her tombstone From the beginning... to the end. He noted that first came her date of birth And spoke the following date with tears. But what he said mattered most of all Was the dash between those years. For that dash represents all the time That she spent alive on earth... And now only those who loved her Know what that little line is worth. For it matters not, how much we own; The cars... the house... the cash. What matters most is how we live and love And how we spend our dash. So think about this long and hard... Are there things you'd like to change? For you never know how much time is left, That can still be arranged. If we could all just slow down enough To consider what's true and real. And always try to understand The way other people feel. And be less quick to anger, And show appreciation more. And love the people in our lives Like we've never loved before. If we treat each other with respect, And more often wear a smile. Remembering that this special dash Might only last a little while. So, when your eulogy's being read With your life's actions to rehash... Would you be proud of the things they say About how you spent your dash? Author Unknown Photo: I like to have at least a small connection between the photo and the blog posting and I'm not sure I'm achieving that now. But I'm starting to run low on photos! Anyway, this is one I took on a Norwegian fjord several years ago. Besides the scenery, which is remarkable and awesome, I really liked the image of a single small boat with two people in such an immense space. I guess it's a bit like living the dash in that we do at times feel like we're pushing out into the unknown. Hopefully we have someone to share it with, like the pair in this boat.

"JUST GENDER tackles the all too often misunderstood world of transgender. The film explores the common myths and misunderstandings about transgendered people, as well as the confusion between sexual orientation and gender identity as reflected in the rigid binary view of the world generally held by society. JUST GENDER also touches on the discrimination, hardships and brutality resulting from those misconceptions and prejudices, including the numerous deaths caused by hate each year. Through the stories of transgender individuals and their spouses, friends, and allies, the film explores the confusion, the isolation, and the fear felt by many transgender persons. It also reveals their growing awareness and acceptance, and ultimately their joy in blossoming comfort as transgendered persons." I learned about this movie/documentary recently in the Transgender section of the Huffington Post. (Which, by the way, is excellent.) And I watched it last night. About 90 minutes long, they address many issues and questions, with transmen and transwomen and other professionals as spokespeople, that I have, my wife has, and have been raised here and elsewhere. It was very well done and in my opinion valuable for anyone, TG or not, to watch. It does cost $9.95 but it's great that you can download it to your computer so you'll have it forever. http://alivemindcinema.com/justgender/

It may be too soon to be sure but at least it feels that way. For the last 50 years I feel like I’ve had a fever that ranged from slightly above normal to scarlet, along with raging shame, depression, and self-loathing. I can’t fully express how weird it is to be writing this now with my head clear. I’m transgender, I know it, I love it, and I’m happy. (Postscript edit: I heard from Monica that she thought I was actually recovering from a fever. No, I thought it was a handy metaphor for the feeling we all get when we know we're starting to get "better" if you know what I mean. Sorry if I caused any confusion!) I found this video last night, where Laura Jane Grace (whom I admit I’d never heard of before) and others tell about their gender dysphoria: http://www.huffingto..._n_6000588.html It’s not like I’ve never heard this stuff before, those feelings of wanting to play with the girls, share in the expression of their girlhood. I know it about myself, remembering from about four or five that, like Laura said, “I was too young to know what it is, so it turns to shame. And if you were to express those feelings to someone else, you’d be shamed for it.” But hearing her say it in the video really spoke to me so that I feel like I really did hear it internally. It’s not BS, it’s not at all bad. It’s me. Wow, what a beautiful day. Love, Emma Photo: I found this little hole-in-the-wall restaurant in Osaka, Japan, that features Kobe beef cooked right in front of you, along with sake and other goodies. The name of the restaurant really caught my attention: "CowCow". I ate there a couple of times and the owner introduced me to sake that has tiny flakes of gold. But to see them you have to swish it around in the glass to stir them up.