Emma

Hey Warren, Good to hear from you, and no apologies needed man. Just glad you're back here with friends. But I am sorry to hear about your troubles. This may not help but I hope you can accept that what you're feeling is absolutely normal. This road your taking is scary. There are no guarantees. But, my sense is that you know it's the right road for you. Still it's hard to trust your instincts. So, you need to allow some time to slowly experience things, discuss with your therapist, and gradually make changes. Which is frustrating I know, because shoot, we just want to be happy. About regret: I saw an article recently in Huffington Post by Brynn Tannehill, that discusses this. Yes, there is a small percentage that regrets their transition, maybe 2%. That's about normal for any surgery. And leaves 98% that are happy they did it. Below is the link to the article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/brynn-tannehill/myths-about-transition-regrets_b_6160626.html I was advised by a transwoman that we need to realize that after the surgery and hormones we are largely still what we were in our heads. The body is closer to match our gender and that brings a lot of peace. I think you're on the right track my friend. Keep talking, work with your therapist, and ask your BF for some TLC. You've earned it. Go ahead and give the world your middle finger, but go see Joan on Tuesday. It's a pain in the ass at times and we wish we didn't have to but she's there for you. Best wishes, Warren, Emma

Hi Lisa, Good for you on all counts. It's so important, I think, to have a therapist who can be a sounding board, coach, and mentor - as well as a cheerleader. She's at "arms length" so can talk to you objectively which will hopefully help both you and your communications with your wife. I also think attending support group meetings is very important. Easy for me to say, as I have not attended one. But i will one day. For now I'm more focused on talking with my wife, in our couple's meetings and one-on-one. And I also feel the same way about my female feelings: they ebb and flow, peak and crash. I keep reminding myself that I'm not following some crazy compulsion: this has been with me my whole life. And the self-loathing also comes on strong for me as I really wish at times that I didn't have this issue to deal with. It seems so unfair. But at our age we both know that that's life, isn't it? My best wishes to you and your wife, and I hope you have a nice Thanksgiving celebration planned. Sincerely, Emma

Cool, I'll check it out! I'm not familiar with that one.

Nice photo! Did you add the effects yourself? Emma

You may very well be correct. I'm not much of a believer either. For me, the Serenity Prayer still applies and reflects my philosophy. To each her own! Emma

Hi Mike, I think I know what you mean. "Transgender" is a good term and I like it. But it does seem scarier than "crossdresser" or "transvestite" (terms that I don't care for) since it implies some sort of gender transition or blend. And the fact that it includes fully transitioned transpeople adds to the worry. She did say at one point the other night something like "it's so much more than just crossdressing." I didn't want to dig into that since the fact is that she never accepted my coming out to her about that in prior attempts, so... The good news today is that we had been planning on having friends over for Thanksgiving, and those plans seem to be solid. So while we have this issue between us we are still a couple with things to celebrate our thankfulness for with friends. And to Sara: Thank you for your words. It is tragic that relationships are torn up so much over this stuff. I'm sure if I was the woman I would also be pretty worried and upset too. It's funny to me, though, that I don't really see what the big deal is! I'm still me, after all, and in fact, I'm getting BETTER. Sure, we have some social crap to consider. I'm okay with that. But within my own home I would think it would be okay to be ourselves. Be well, Emma

Remember the Seinfeld episode when Jerry's father kept yelling "Serenity now!" when he was upset and about to lose it? Very funny show. I'm not very religious and don't attend church.. I was raised Episcopalian, attended a church school for 6th and 7th grades, and my parents often had us recite the Serenity Prayer or the Lords Prayer before dinner. I think the prayer was for my benefit... I remember how earnestly I repeated the words in the Serenity Prayer, hoping that my emphasis would gain me that serenity that I wanted so much. It never seemed to work although I suppose we might speculate on how I would have been had I not said those words at all. These days the Serenity Prayer has come to mind a few times. I think it's a wonderful prayer and says so much in only a few words: Lord, grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change The courage to change the things I can And the wisdom to know the difference. Each of these four lines says so much and they are hard to achieve. I would like more serenity. I think I'm getting better at accepting the things I cannot change, such as: - I was born male. - I am transgender. - I cannot control my wife's acceptance or behavior toward me. In the third line I'm starting to understand why my therapist (and even my wife) have said that I'm being courageous. I didn't really believe it, but I suppose I am demonstrating that: - I'm coming out to myself and acknowledging my being transgender. - I'm coming out to my therapist (which was damned hard). - I'm coming out to my wife. - Heck, I'm even coming out here. That was hard at first. I worried a lot about saying the wrong thing, or creating misunderstandings. I suppose that by listing the things in the acceptance and change buckets one develops the wisdom to know the difference. Maybe the thing to do is to consider things that I'm now not able to distinguish. I'll have to think about that a bit. Be well, Emma

I'm feeling similarly about feeling a desire to wear my feminine clothing. When I'm stressed - particularly regarding my wife - I lose desire and am comfortable in my male clothing. I guess it's a retreat to safety. But it's a retreat nonetheless. Emma

Hello Kerig, I like it that you are sharing with us instead of trying to kick down a door, fight someone, or hurt yourself. Much better to vent here and wait to see your therapist. Perhaps also start a personal diary/journal to jot your thoughts down? Only write 1-2 pages/day, so it's no big deal. Helps me a lot! About replying to messages: when you hit the Reply button it copies the text from the previous message into your editor so you can highlight stuff if you want to, and delete the rest. It's handy but you don't have to use it. Instead, just scroll to the bottom of the message(s) and you'll see an editor box waiting for you to type into. Like I'm doing now. When you're finished, just click on "Add Comment." About shaving: I have a lighter beard but I have to shave every day. My wife kind of likes it when I grow it out a little but I don't care for it, and it's my face, right? Isn't it funny how MTFs and FTMs are so opposite. You'd love to have a beard and the downstairs "floppy bits" and I'd love to have breasts and a nice clean face. Take care, Emma

I'm not sure if this is a good idea to post. I don't like writing this because it's such a problem for me, it's a downer. But hey, maybe that's why they call it a "blog" so here goes. My wife was very upset at our last couples' therapy meeting, where I spelled out more details of my being transgender and asked for her support and offered some safe (to my mind) ways for us to explore and learn together. My hope was that she'd follow her heart and maybe through this exploration she'd gain knowledge that would help rationalize and conquer her fears. That fell flat. Last night she returned home after seeing her therapist and her psychiatrist, and told me that she was so upset that I am transexual. I told her no, I don't have current plans or forecast of changing my sex; that I'm transgender. We got into the definitions a bit, but TG is still scary since its definition includes TS. She told me that while she's not looking for divorce right now she needs space and distance, so I will stay in our guest room for the foreseeable future, which I did last night. While we moved around each other this morning I decided that I would not mope. While I felt entirely justified I also feel that if she's having to contend with that it would simply cloud things for her. Regardless, I'm not all sweetness and light but I did crack a couple of humorous plays on words that we both smiled at. When she left for work she gave me a quick kiss - which is more than last night. No "I love you" or hug, but it was something. She said we might "talk more" tonight and as I drove to the coffee shop I fretted a bit. What does "talk more" mean, exactly? What topics? What questions? What answers should I try to think through to be prepared? I tend to freeze up when I feel threatened in conversations like these, so I try to be prepared. I fear that my freezing (which translates into inability to answer a question cogently and right away) makes me look disingenuous or calculating, or at the least, we lose momentum in the conversation. I try to prepare. But it's hard to answer some questions even when I know the answers. I still find it hard to vocalize that I'm transgender. There, I said it. Please don't hate me. I even find it hard to convincingly say that I don't see myself as transexual. This is true as far as I know now, but in the future? Clearly, my crystal ball is cloudy. And what do I want right now from her? First and foremost, some big hugs and kisses. But also a stop to the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy which for us means that in no uncertain terms am I not allowed to show her any of my clothing or me in it. Not that that would be easy for me either. But the lack of acceptance (and disgust?) communicated by that directive hurts. A lot. I tend to display my soft underbelly, by communicating as openly as I can which includes listening carefully as if through that my wife and others will at least respect my vulnerability, and in their humanity will open up to me. That's getting harder to do these days. My therapist advises that I need to display leadership, bravery, calm. That through this my wife's anxieties will at least not be amplified and perhaps will even help settle them a bit. Well, there's little doubt that what I've done before hasn't worked so it makes sense to try something different. Repeating the same things that haven't worked and expecting a different outcome is the definition of crazy, no? I am a good person. Created in God's image. Struggling to find and be myself while not tearing my life apart. I trust that my wife sees this too, that she loves me, and wants to find a way for all this to work out. I think I also need to believe that she's also embroiled in her own panic mode which makes it hard for her to communicate too. I trust that our therapists will help us navigate these choppy waters. Without trust, what is there? Emma

Hi Salem, I can hear the humor in your writing and it brings a smile to my face! Hope you continue to post more here. It's a good place and fantastic community. Emma

Dear Lisa, I think you're wise to slowly let the word out, and to start with your wife and family. I wish you the very best Thanksgiving ever! But don't eat too much. We have to pay attention to our girlish figures! :-) Take care, Emma

Ben, I am just now becoming familiar with your writing, which is excellent and speaks from your heart to mine. You are certainly no confused silly little man. Thank you for your writing and please, keep it up. Sincerely, Emma

Dear Warren, What a fantastic day for you! I'm very happy for you and your experience. As for the documentation for your mother, your insurance company will be sending you (at least) a statement that shows what was charged, their benefit, etc. You could send this to your mother. And how about that on your ID! Sure, they didn't treat you very well about it, but in some ways it's a step in the right direction, is it not? Take care, Emma

Hi Lisa, I sure have my crisis days too. Like a couple of weeks ago when I went to dinner with my wife and two other couples to a nice restaurant. The women were all so poised and beautiful. Just being themselves. I had fun with the friends but all along I was aware that I doubt I could ever be as natural as these women, which was depressing. I too wonder about regrets. These days I'm more comfortable with my being transgender and the regrets I think about are if I do nothing about it. I'm in good health and so forth but we never know for how long. I don't want to be one of those that wakes up one day and realizes she lost her chance to be herself. Emma

Hi Lisa, Welcome, and thank you for your first blog post. It sounds like our lives are in parallel a lot - except - it also sounds like you're much younger than me (58). I also recall vividly wanting to be a girl around 4-ish. But I didn't have the clothing to dress up in or anything like that. It was always My Big and Untellable Secret. So much so that as I grew up and entered puberty I assumed it was some kind of shameful fetish. Because I did enjoy a certain erotism about it as well. I've seen therapists for more than three decades and my shame prevented me from fully disclosing to any of them. It seems so stupid in hindsight, as if I was waiting for them to "pop the question" about my desires or inclinations, and then I'd be forthcoming. In a kind of desperation I started seeing another therapist a couple of years ago and decided at the outset that I would no longer play that game. It took a lot of affirmation and support from him but I've finally come to realize and accept that I am, truly, transgender. I'd confessed my liking of feminine clothes to my wife before we were married. She was extraordinarily upset, threw me out of the bedroom to sleep on the couch. The next day all she told me was that that part of my life was over, I needed to purge it all, and we'd be fine. And I was so lost without her I didn't give it a second thought. Until about ten years later. The pull of feeling feminine was more than I could bear. I started doing more research, reading books, the Internet, etc. I came out to her again, expecting that even with her past reaction that in the interest of her love for me, we'd find a way. Wrong. Again, she was terribly upset, I purged, and closed myself back into my mind. About ten years later yet (like, now) I'm much less ashamed and more understanding that this is simply a part of me. I'm actually a good person! But there's this aspect of me that's also good although as much as I like it I wish I didn't, since I'd prefer to live my life without this upheaval. Like it or not it is what it is, and I only have this life. So I owe it to myself to stop holding back and allow myself to explore. So that's where we're at now. I didn't really intend for this to be about me. I'm trying to welcome you to TG Guide. I've really loved it here. The people are all great and I have some good friends. I especially like having both MTF and FTM folks, as this provides a wonderful perspective and community where I think (hope) we all help each other. Best, Emma P.S. I really wanted to be in the Brownies too!

Good luck today, Warren! I'm thinking of you and wishing you well. Emma

I agree with you completely, Michael. I can't imagine a therapist today suggesting Warren's going through a phase, but if that happens, he needs to get the heck out of there and find a new one. Emma

Here's another good one: Transgender Basics - Gender Identity Project (GIP)

Dear Warren, Thanks, and I mean this, for your writing. Your fears, worries, and all, are real and valid. Don't let anyone tell you they're not. And yeah, getting started with a therapist is weird and awkward. No one wants to do it. We all just want to be happy. But therapists can definitely help. They're not all of them great, but you won't know until you invest the time and open your heart to them. It's risky and it takes time to build the necessary trust, too. I think it's wonderful you're going to see someone and I wish you the very best. And I'm sorry to hear you cut yourself again. Here's a book that may (or may not, I don't know): All That Is Red. Check it out on Amazon. By Anna Caltibiano. It's fiction and it's about cutting, but more metaphorically. It might help give you thoughts or perspective. Take care, Emma

Check out my blog, too, especially "Transgender Before Puberty" and "Important Documentary" which has links to I think excellent videos for both MTF and FTM people. Very informative and affirming. I hope they help you. Emma

Hey Kerig, Welcome to TG Guide. I'll bet you'll like it here. I sure do, and there's a lot of info and great people here. I'm glad to see that you started a blog, Check out Warren's! I think it helps a lot to write about what you (and we) are going through. This is a great and safe place to do it. And please add your comments and thoughts to other postings, too. We'd love to hear from you. Best, Emma

Warren, Check out this: http://www.avitale.com She has lots of info and links to other sites that may help you. Emma

Hi Warren, I've wondered a lot about this too, and I'm glad you brought it up. Of course, I only have my own guesses for the differences in numbers between MTF and FTM. Here's a couple of ideas: The word "transgender" is very broad and covers a wide range of MTF/FTM gender expression, up to and including HRT/surgery. It seems to me that transmen are allowed and accepted so much more by society that they aren't even counted in the transgender statistics. On the other hand, it might also be that there are even larger pressures on transmen than transwomen to not identify as transgender at all, thus also suppressing the statistics. I don't know or have much of a sense for this of course. About finding medical and therapeutic resources for FTM people, I can imagine that's very frustrating. Perhaps Michael or others here will be able to help. I sure hope so. Sincerely, Emma

Have you heard of Cheryl Strayed, who has a column called "Dear Sugar?" If not, I suggest you find out about her. Check out her book "Tiny Beautiful Things." In hindsight I wish I'd included it in my Suggested Reading post. Below is a letter to her and her response. (I didn't really send it, but it's in tune with others in her book.) I'll also add that I wrote this about a year ago. I'm posting it now to reinforce my positive feelings in myself and, I hope it might help others. Dear Sugar, My wife (I'll call her Mary) and I have been meeting with a therapist for over a year. It started out with only me seeing him, because although Mary and I have a great relationship and love each other very much, I'd lost interest in sex, was depressed, and Mary encouraged me to try - yet again - to get to the bottom of it. The main issue it seems is that I've been fascinated and ashamed of my fascination with girls and girly things since I was very small, which led to sexual fantasies and fixations that I've not been able to shake off. I told Mary about it a couple of times in the past and it pretty much shocked and disheartened her, so I rapidly withdrew into my shell. Now, though, we're talking about it more openly in our therapy meetings. I'm still quite sensitive about it (notice I'm calling it "it"), and pulling details out of me is tough. Despite Mary's recent assurances of her love and acceptance I get worried. I suppose I don't really trust her acceptance. I wouldn't blame her at all if, even hidden deep down, she wonders about how strange this all is. Might lead to all kinds of awkward and embarrassing moments for her. And, even if her acceptance is sincere, my shame makes it hard for me to accept her acceptance. You see, Sugar, I know I would appear pretty silly in female clothing without a lot of help and preparation. And even if I looked acceptable, where is all this going to lead? What do I really want? At the extreme let's say that I dress up and through practice and experience, learn to blend into society as a woman. I can go out and about, shop, doing whatever I want in public. Is that the goal? I don't think so since at the end I'm still me, unhappy in my own skin - or at least not loved by me. Do I want to be female? No, but there are times I wish I'd been born one. Perhaps then I could be me, happy? But I know that the grass isn't so much greener over there. Most would say my grass is already lush, green and well trimmed now. I really hate and am impatient with myself at times like this, and try to push feelings away. I don't know what to do to get better, and on top of my shame of myself in general I'm also ashamed that I even need to go see a therapist. I'm so sensitive, scared, and tired of living like this. I know you're going to say that I need to love the one I'm with (me). Maybe so but I've not figured out how. Screwed Up in the Bay Area Dear Screwed Up, Let's say you're playing poker and you were dealt two pairs, and a pretty good hand at that: kings and tens. Your other card is a queen. And not just any queen, it's the queen of hearts, the girliest card in the deck. What do you do? Throw in the queen hoping for a full house? Probably, since I'll bet you know how to play poker. But what if you then pulled the queen of diamonds? How might your hand have played out differently if you'd held that queen of hearts and played your hand another way? Answer: nothing, zilch, nada. Like it or not, you'd still be you. Look, honeypie, I can tell you've been around the block on this quite a few times. But mostly it's all been running around in your head, keeping you small and in hiding. Keep talking and opening up to Mary and your therapist. And I can also tell that you put your marriage with yourself on hold many moons ago, too. As if you're sleeping in separate bedrooms, sniping at each other, or not talking at all. Self-divorce isn't an option. You need to patch up your relationship with yourself. Get to know each other. Take yourself out on date nights. Become as fascinated with yourself as you are with things girly. Sugar loves you, and I'm sure Mary and your therapist and many others do too. You do need to learn to love the one you're with. It starts there. Sugar Photo: Another pair of pretty birds in that park in South Africa.