Emma

Had a meeting with my therapist this afternoon. It went fine - he's terrific. Need to continue to explore myself... Started by telling him that I’m feeling some sadness and ambivalence lately. The excitement of the gender euphoria has died down and I’m left with the enormity of wondering what to do, where I’ll end up, and how my life is going to be affected. I’ve read a lot about transgender and its definition. The first sentence in Wikipedia’s definition is: “Transgender is the state of one's gender identity or gender expression not matching one's assigned sex.” It occurs to me that although when I see women/girls now and wish I was one this doesn't necessarily mean that my gender identity is not matching my assigned sex. And with that data point combined with my ambivalence I’m thinking now that I do not need to change my sex to match my gender. Some might say that’s a good thing but I’m less sure. I feel it would be better to know that my assigned sex doesn’t match my gender. At least, then, I’d know what I need to do. Instead I’m stuck in the middle, unsure of what will satisfy me. Over that last week or so I had started to wonder if I really am transgender. After all, if I don’t fit with the Wikipedia definition (and we know they are always right!)… But transgender is an umbrella term that covers a wide range. I found a great “Trans Blog” by Angus "Andrea" Grieve-Smith (http://transblog.grieve-smith.com) that I recommend. Her insights and writing are excellent. For example, she wrote (http://transblog.gri...nd-actions-iii/): “…most of us under the “transgender umbrella” – transvestites, transsexuals, genderqueer, non-binary, drag queens, butch lesbians and all the others – all feel either gender dysphoria or transgender desire, or both. Our interpretations of these feelings may be different. But more importantly, there are a wide variety of possible actions in response to those feelings, and none of those actions are more automatic or necessary than any other.” Thus, with her definition – which I believe is better said than Wikipedia’s – transgender includes me, and I’m okay with that. My therapist then suggested that when I see a woman on the street that I wish I was her. I told him that on one level that’s correct but that there is a much larger sense. Truly, I wish I had had her whole experience, growing up as a little girl, being a Brownie and then a Girl Scout, taking ballet lessons, and going through school, puberty, and emerging as a young adult woman. That’s what I think deep down. And I know that’s a fantasy of course, so that longing is also a bit saddening. He then asked me what I know I want. Here’s some answers: 1. I want my marriage with my wife to continue and deepen. 2. I want my wife and I to be able to be 100% open with each other at least in the privacy of our home. As it is now, I have to hide my (growing) collection of feminine clothing at all times, which is very similar to remaining closeted. 3. I want to be sexual with my wife (only) which may mean making love with me also expressing as a woman, but also as a man – but that is dependent on my not living under the cloud of non-acceptance from her. These days I am feeling lots more calm and less defensive than before I came out to my therapist and to my wife. It’s as if I always had this delicate house of cards constructed to hide my innermost feelings and shame, and when that house was shaken by criticism (real or imagined) or anything, I reacted emotionally to protect myself and my house of cards. That’s less urgent now that I’ve come out more with the real me. But the problem remains that I need to feel my wife’s full acceptance and support, without raised eyebrows or negative comments. Like if I buy a new dress she would say, “Let’s see it on you!” with some enthusiasm. Or, if I was dressed, we could watch TV or do whatever, together. We are very far from that ideal right now and it’s not at all clear that we will get there, which adds a lot of stress and uncertainty for me now. Lastly, I feel very alone and lonely. Besides my therapist and my friends here at TG Guide, there is no one else for me to talk to. I’d just like to hang out and have a dinner, maybe a glass of wine, and be able to be open and be me – whatever that is. Goodness knows I’ll be even lonelier if my wife and I were to separate, so that’s a big concern too. I do plan on attending a TG (MTF only, I think) support group next Wednesday evening in San Jose. I’ll “go as I am” in male-mode which I’ve been assured that is okay. I do need to tell my wife about this; will do that in a day or two. At this point I’m glad I met with my therapist but I’m tired and have a headache. I’ll take two aspirin and call in the morning… Emma Photo: an eagle in Norway, having snagged the chum and taking off for who knows where, to chow down on it.

Hi Amber, Welcome to TG Guide! I'm surprised I haven't read your post until now and that I'm the first to comment. Anyway, you're more than welcome here and I encourage you to explore, add your thoughts and comments, and publish more posts on your blog. I'd love to hear more about you and your life. TG Guide is an amazing oasis in the Internet, thankfully with both MTF and FTM transgender people. Some (like me) in early stages of understanding themselves and others living their lives as transmen/transwomen, some happily living with their birth sex and others in transition or fully transitioned. For me it's an ideal place to connect with others, enjoy some support and companionship, and to explore and learn. I'm glad for you that your wife is so understanding and supportive. Isn't it amazing how wonderful that is? Sincerely, Emma

Hey Warren, You ROCK! Good for you. You followed through, gave your therapist a chance, told her honestly what's going on for you, and you're happening. I'm so proud of you! Emma

Hey Jenny, Well, it's good to hear from you! Mine is an iPhone 5s, so I'm out of step with the times. Apple is an awesome company, and I like what Tim Cook has and is doing for the LGBT community bug I must say I miss Steve Jobs a lot. Yes, he could be very difficult to work with and that held me back from ever applying to Next or Apple, but I wish I had. I suspect that our focus on things-transgender is natural. It's both scary and exciting, and it's so wonderful to feel affirmed here. I think we just need to enjoy and be patient. Emma

My next one-on-one appointment with my therapist is this coming Wednesday afternoon. During the week before I consider what we might talk about even though it often seems that we end up talking about something completely different. I suppose I want to be sure that I’m able to take advantage of the time and money spent. I want to extract every last bit of help that I can get. I keep a tally in my iPhone of thoughts and ideas. Here’s the current running list: I remember being so sad and terrified when, as a young child, I did something – anything – wrong. Sad that I had again disappointed my mother and scared of the punishment. After last week’s couples appointment with my therapist my wife told a gay friend of hers, and the mother of a young woman friend of hers, about what I disclosed to my wife, that I am transgender. In years past I would have been devastated to hear that anyone knew, that they would think me weird, and that I might run in to them. Now it doesn’t seem to matter and, in some ways, I’m kind of pleased that my wife is reaching out. Sometimes, these days, I feel pretty alone and needy. I only have my therapist to talk to openly as well as my friends here at TG Guide. I compulsively check what’s happening here and whether I have any messages several times a day. With my wife I’m more calm and self-connected than I have been in years. I’m stroking her, helpful, and we’re are very close. I think she likes this but I can see that she stops short as she thinks of my revelations. I ordered a dress, tights, and a slip on Amazon this week that I expect to arrive in a couple of days. Imagine that, a slip. Well, I want the dress’s skirt to flow and not get all bunched up. I researched it all a lot and chose carefully. But as I wait for the delivery I keep wondering if I’m completely nuts. I’m having trouble focusing on much other than transgender stuff. Reading whatever I can find on the Internet, here on TG Guide, etc. I feel I should also be studying on some unrelated topics that used to fascinate me but I find it impossible. We have a couple of small watercolor paintings hanging in our bathroom showing scenes of young, pretty women, in pastoral Italy. It seems so obvious to me that anyone looking at these women would want to be like them. But I know that 99.9% of men would not and would think I’m crazy for even thinking of it. Regardless of whether or not my transgender diagnosis is accurate (and I really think it is) is it okay? What makes it “right?” On Sunday mornings my wife and I go to a local pastry shop for coffee, a light breakfast, and to read the paper together. This morning she looked me in the eye and told me how much she loves me. We both show our sadness to each other at these times. Geez, a lot to talk about this Wednesday and I still have three days to consider more topics. And then, of course, there’s also all the stuff I wrote in my “progress report” a couple of days ago. I’m overthinking but it seems impossible to stop. Emma Photo: The Zambezi River, Botswana, at dusk, a couple of years ago. Not good for swimming; many crocodiles.

Hi Lisa, I certainly know what you mean about ambivalence setting in and days when being transgender just seems like something I wish would just go away. I agree that we need to "just" be ourselves but that "just" word is huge. Emma

Hi Lisa, It takes courage to be transgender. My therapist and my wife have both told me that they see how much courage it's taken me to get as far as I have, although I don't see it as that much. To me, you're remarkably courageous coming out to your sister. She deserves kudos too for remaining calm and just listening. I'm sure she has a lot to process. I think it's tough to be a woman or a man and it's probably impossible to really determine the relative weight of either. I recently read that although people who have fully transitioned to their natural genders feel much more comfortable in their skin they still carry a secret about their surgery: whom to tell, when, etc. We all need to be courageous. Your post brings up something I've been thinking about. I often read how women (particularly teenagers and 20-30 year olds) develop their confidence in themselves. Okay, but I don't read that about men, whom I think are also tasked and challenged with that. I sure was (and am). Is it so much different? Perhaps as you wrote, a particularly feminine challenge is to appear "good" in any setting, with the right level of casual/formal attire, the total look including accessories, and the fit. I certainly agree it's easier for guys to accomplish this. Last, I also agree with your consideration of over-thinking things. I think we all do this especially when we're faced with such profound decisions and steps. (I wish I'd thought more before I proposed and got married the first time!) It's hard to trust our instincts. Consider how long your gut feelings have been there despite all the attempts to suppress/ignore them. Be well, Emma

Hi Karen, I'm sorry to hear this of course but also congratulate you for taking care of yourself. I'm like you in that I try to be (and am) considerate. I also get to appointments (and movies!) early, to make sure I'm not causing others to contend with my being late. And honestly, I also go early to avoid the stress. Anyway, I think you should ask her for a refund. We typically pay attorneys a retainer and it seems to me that a. She hasn't likely already submitted your application, so that's $111 she owes you, and b. given what you describe, it seems unlikely she could have possibly used up the entire retainer. If she gives you grief over it, it's up to you what to do. At the very least she'll know that she let you down and you won't be sending any further business to her. Good to be back on track, right? Emma

Hi Jenny, Cowabunga! Good to hear from you. Your history resonates with me and it helps to hear it from another. I wanted a GI Joe in the worst way. I remember my mom saying that my dad was concerned that it was too much like a Barbie doll, so I could not have it. That kinda made sense at the time but now, looking back, I womder where their concerns came from. Maybe I'd expressed girlish wants or needs that they worried about? Anyway, for me, these memories of childhood form much of the basis of my transgender diagnosis. I was very innocent then so who could deny my feelings as valid? I hope this may help you, too. Take care, and keep writing, Emma

Dear Warren, I think that is a perfect note and plan. Good for you! Can't wait to hear how it goes. That said, I know (and you know too, don't you) that nothing goes "perfectly" (whatever that means). Regardless, you are expressing yourself truly and well. And that, my friend, is the right thing to do. Sincerely, Emma

Okay, I stand corrected. A transwoman whom I respect a lot has advised me that it's not a good idea for me to redefine "transition." I'm okay with that. But I will say this: my life has been very transitional lately! :-)

Dear Warren, You're cool, be yourself. Yes, there will be whispers and curiosity. But you, you're true blue. Be well, have a good time. Stay close to your boyfriend. He's your ally, I think. Happy thanksgiving, Emma

Hi Lisa, What do you mean when you wrote "I definitely felt like a girl today"? The phrase just stands out for me. You felt emotional? Or?. You're a good parent to take care of your son. Yes, I know, we really don't have a choice. But I can tell. And good tip about Target, and brave too! I imagine you're quite correct but Amazon is my go-to store right now! :-) Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, Emma

I have experienced so much in the last month, coming closer to myself, coming out to my wife, participating in TG Guide. Maybe it will help me (and others, I hope) to review and express my gratitude for my progress. Here’s some of what I’ve learned: My fantasy outcomes are just that, fantasies. The fantasies I’m talking about are the ones having to do with my wife’s unconditional acceptance of me, dressing how I wish, being fully open to my awakening, even cuddling together. It saddens me a bit that this hasn’t come to pass and I’ll still dream of it, but we have a long way to get there if we ever do. My wife’s feelings are valid. Much as I’d like to stand on “what’s the big deal?” and that she should more quickly accept me because my femininity on the inside has always made up an important part of who she fell in love with, if it’s a big deal to her, it is, and that’s okay. My job now is to be patient, kind, and stay connected to her as we both navigate these uncharted waters. I’m lucky and grateful to have her for my wife. Coming out to her has been terribly hard. Her intense dismay and hurt are so hard to bear, and I automatically descend into depression, shame, and wishing I could just disappear. She’s really trying, is listening more and more, and expresses the same hope that I do that our relationship and lives will survive this. Neither of us knows if our marriage will survive but we’re trying. I wish there was a cure or antidote for my being transgender. Goodness knows, over the decades I’ve tried to ignore it, bury it, rationalize it away, purge, and dilute it with immersion in work and busy-ness. I know now that I am what I am. It’s hard to accept but the more that I do the freer and less stressed and threatened I feel. “Transition” has many definitions; most would say it’s living full-time in the opposite role, probably at least leading to HRT and gender affirming surgery. For me, my transition which has been pretty profound is more about my awakening and acceptance of my transgender self as well as my full disclosure to my wife. The full transition I hope for now is for my wife and I to move to an even more loving stage in our marriage. I think we’re at least and at last heading in the right direction. My authenticity to myself and my wife has relieved a huge weight off my shoulders. As hard and scary as it’s been, I feel such a tangible relief from depression and fear. I’ve always been conscious of my monitoring of my interactions with others, if “I’m doing it right,” or if they might be able to discern what I’m hiding. This was so exhausting and I often complained of being “so very tired.” No wonder I felt that way. I was like a spy living in deep cover always on the alert for enemy detection and my destruction. Now, so much of that has been relieved. I am real, I am valid, I am good. That’s hard to say and sometimes to believe. Maybe through repetition it will sink in more. Thank you for listening to me and being here for me, Emma

Hi Jenny, Nothing you write here sounds weird or preachy, so don't be concerned. You're a wonderful human being, in God's image, and you deserve the same love, respect, and acceptance as all of us. I agree with you on the video, that those children or at or near one end of the spectrum. In some ways I envy them since the middle ground, where I'm at (and you seem to be) is so hard to pin down. The middle area is so wide! Regarding crossdressing and the Bible: to set some context, I have no religious convictions regarding any of this. But you wrote: "it is written that a man shall not wear a woman's garment, and vice versa." Should this be interpreted to mean that women who regularly wear pants instead of skirts or dresses are in violation of the Bible? I suspect your answer will be no; otherwise, virtually all women on Earth are in violation of its precepts. And, as we go back in time we know that men and women's attire has shifted dramatically, where one days' common wear shifted from typically masculine to feminine. I agree with you that ignoring your inner feelings doesn't work. I've read about people trying to find "cures" or trying abstinence in the hope that they'll be able to leave their transgender feelings behind. I have certainly tried this as well - many times. It doesn't work, at least for me or anyone I've read about. I believe that peace of mind and spirit comes from accepting ourselves as we are, and allowing trusted others to come into our world. Through that we are validated as real, valued, and loved. Thank you for your writing and for joining TG Guide. May you and your family and friends have a very Happy Thanksgiving. Emma

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Let's face it, your being transgender is probably hard for both of you to talk about. But he fell in love with all of you, and maybe he didn't know it, but Warren was always inside. So now Warren is coming outside too and that may be hard to understand. But you deserve love, acceptance, and respect. And all relationships need open communication to flourish. I remember you both have different work schedules, and you both work hard and are tired. Maybe you guys can set up a time to get together when you're both rested and talk? Go for a walk outside if it's not too cold. It helps to be doing something other than just staring at each other! If it's too cold, go for a drive somewhere. Or go to a coffee shop. Don't force the communication but let him know this is very important for you, that you love him and want to be sure he knows what is going on for you. Hope that helps, even a little, Emma

Hi Lane, Yeah, doesn't it suck being told who and what we're "supposed" to be? It's like they are denying that you are valid, that you exist for the wonderful person that you are. I am not at all surprised at how you feel. I think there are some important points to be made here, such as: 1. Try to find others that you can openly talk to. Maybe it's someone at church or elsewhere. But if you know they are going to listen but say something like "pray that this all goes away" don't talk to them. Go find someone who really listens and gives you support. I agree, these people may be hard to find. But it's important. 2. Do try to find a church you can go to and feel comfortable at. Maybe there is one in another nearby city/town where you can meet new people. 3. Have you looked online to see if there is a local support group, near where you live? Maybe they can also suggest a church(s) for you. And anyway, you may find others you can talk to. 4. I think it can be helpful to talk to a therapist. But I don't know about your ability to pay or your insurance. Please think about this. Then, we can think about ways to find one. 5. Have you seen Warren's blog here at TG Guide? I suggest you read it, add your comments and thoughts, and maybe you guys can communicate via private messages. It seems to me that you have some of the same issues in common. I really hope this helps you and am glad that you wrote your post. It's by reaching out to this wonderful community that we may all help and support each other. Sincerely, Emma

Hey Warren, I have a lot of thoughts about this. First, you are doing the absolute correct thing by writing about it here. We are here to listen and to help as best we can. Second, I completely understand your hurt, anger, and disillusionment with your therapist. How she could demand that you spell out your goal for therapy is beyond me. I was angry myself when I first read your post. After I calmed down I thought, well, maybe you could give her some goals. Here are some ideas. Obviously (I hope) you are the only judge as to their accuracy for you. I just hope they trigger some ideas: 1. Relief or ways to handle depression. 2. Help with sorting out and planning what to do with your gender expression. 3. Understand what is driving you to hurt yourself, and, learn and implement ways of handling those issues without having to hurt yourself for relief. 4. Help with understanding how you can talk to your family, and, if it doesn't go well, counseling on how you will deal with this. 5. Same thing with your boy friend. This is important, whether or not you stay together. If he leaves or you break up there will be another one. Please do not cancel next week's appointment. These goals are all very important for you. I suggest you write down more, maybe come up with a crazy long list, and then you can consider combining and prioritizing. While I don't think the therapist was tactful or kind, she does have a point. You and she are a team. And as a team, you both need to know where you want to go, what it means to make progress and succeed. So her question is okay even though very poorly presented. Let's keep up the discussion. Emma

Dear Jenny, Congratulations! Your blog looks fine. I'm sure many here would agree with your sentiments about having a feminine existence inside and a masculine on the outside. I certainly fall in that camp. I suggest that you try to watch/listen to a 20/20 episode called "My Secret Self" that is available on YouTube here at this link: It's mostly about children who also experience gender dysphoria but I found it very affirming because I also felt similarly to these kids. But I had an automatic shame response that prevented me from talking about any of my feelings to my parents or anyone else for a very long time. Might I also ask if you are seeing a therapist, or if you can find one? Especially people like us very much need someone we can confide with, share our feelings, and gain some understanding. Therapists are not all the same, of course, but one has to try to find one that works. I highly recommend your taking this course if you can. And yes, please write later. We look forward to hearing from you. Sincerely, Emma

I swing down into depression from time to time, perhaps like all of us. Pretty deep down, I must say. I'm lucky that I have a therapist whom I love and he's always there for me. This morning I found this on Huffington Post, that may help any transman or transwoman who is feeling suicidal. Please, please, take advantage of it: http://www.huffingto...lar,transgender The service is called Trans Lifeline, and it's at: 877-565-8860 Emma

About anger, man, I agree. I have been wound so tight all these years, trying to be what I'm "supposed" to be, lashing out, defensive, emotional. I've come out to my wife pretty fully in the last few weeks and despite the troubles we're having I have noticed that I've never been more calm. It's like pressure has been let out. Warren, how much have you and your BF talked? I imagine that feels scary and risky, but might that help? Emma