Emma

Dear Karen, Thank you for your kind words, and I agree with you one hundred percent about TG Guide. Before finding TGG I found other sites that just didn't do it for me. I really love the diversity we have here, with MTF and FTM people, and all colors of the transgender rainbow. I'm so thankful and like you, honored to be a part of it. Hugs, Emma

In my past career when we said that we were “falling on my sword” we meant that – typically in front of a customer – we were admitting that our company or product was at fault. We were being transparent, vulnerable, admitting we were in the wrong and hopefully the customer would thus react with less drama and instead collaborate on working around or developing a solution to the problem. This blog post feels like that to me, thus its title. Of late I’ve been reading “Crossdressing With Dignity: The Case for Transcending Gender Lines” by Dr. Peggy Rudd, who previously wrote “My Husband Wears My Clothes.” She is a psychologist who happens to have a transgender husband, and because of this developed a personal and professional understanding of what it means to be transgender for the individual and for the family. The basis for the book is that crossdresser/transgender people are not wrong or bad although society may cast them in this light. Perhaps worse, these transwomen tend to be their own worst critic because of internalized shame, guilt, and fear. Carrying that load is sensed by others around us and often reflected back, confirming those cruel assumptions and beliefs. I’ve sensed this off and on throughout my life. I know that I am too dependent on external feedback and opinions. Who cares what they think! I’m my own person, right? And I can stand on my own feet. Oh yeah, sure. At times like this I find that easy to say and darned hard to believe. Below are some quotes from the book and some corresponding thoughts. Perhaps through this I (and you?) will make some progress. “In our society men are taught from an early age that they must never be like girls. Because of the awareness or knowledge, you may fail to accept crossdressing as a part of your personality. There is that subconscious rule that says you are doing something wrong.” – Roger Peo, PhD. I think I was happiest before around age 4 or 5 before I realized that part of the way I was, how I liked to play, was sissy and wrong. I was often reminded of this by neighborhood boys whom I desperately wanted to be friends with but who seemed to delight in tearing me apart with their ridicule. “The search for normalcy is a very strong motivator. Each person wants to find love, and sometimes they are willing to absorb guilt rather than lose love.” I’ve always longed for normalcy, wondered why I wasn’t, and am often hyperaware of how I believe others think of me. And indeed, closeting my shame and feelings from my wife, friends, and associates to protect what feels like such tenuous love and caring. “The guilt related to the erotic nature of crossdressing is a major concern for many.” Guilt and shame, not only from within and from my wife, but also worried that it will rain down on me from the transgender community as it seems that the fetish aspect of crossdressing is one of the shameful secrets that we don’t talk about. So here’s a major hara-kiri (seppuku) confession: I do have some fantasy and erotic feelings about crossdressing. Whatcha think about that? Not always, but it can be pretty thrilling. “Progress always involves risks. You can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first.” – Frederick Wilcox Okay, that saying makes sense of course. It’s easy to say as it kind of rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? And yeah, I have come out to my wife over the past few months and to this day I don’t know if I did the right thing. You call that progress? Okay, enough of the downers. Here’s a couple of quotes showing what we’re aiming for: “When you can think of yesterday without regret, and tomorrow without fear, you have found true dignity.” “The key to having a rich and full life is self-acceptance, a virtue found only within.” So, how to get there? Dr. Rudd includes lists of steps from a variety of people who responded to her research questionnaire. Here’s one that I liked. Remember to have a sense of humor. Learn to be in touch with whom you are. Start believing you have the freedom to express the total personality. Share your guilt and fears with someone you trust. Be a good listener when other people share their feelings with you. Remember there are other people out there with similar problems. I think I need to have these tattooed on my arms for handy reference. Be well, Emma

Dear Lisa, Of course, you have not "put a lot" on me or anyone here. I felt what you wrote is very reasonable and understandable. I feel like I'm also new to this but here's my opinion. "Understanding" our trans-gender (intentional hyphen) is very personal. There is no objective test that I'm aware of. For whatever reason and that may not really matter, we don't feel "right." With the right therapists and support such as here and in groups we can explore ourselves further and figure it out. The unfortunate truth is that at bottom we have to be the ones to make our choices, such as where we are or need to be under the TG umbrella, living full or part time as a Transwoman, transition or not, etc. So, I think it's terrific that you had this epiphany. As hard as I know it can be to wrestle with these emotions and anxieties I am not sure there is another way. Maybe that's the bad news, if you will. The good news is that you have this awareness. You have reached out here and elsewhere. You are exploring yourself. You are courageously figuring out who you are. There is no wrong answer! That is a truth and a beauty that I think we must hold on to. However and wherever you go is perfect. I often wish I'd been born a girl and I still wish that. That said, though, I was not, and for me I'm thinking these days (and I may change!) that that's okay. If I can learn to be and accept myself for who I am, and depend less on what others think of me, maybe I'll be fine just the way I am. I do like pretty things and I know I'm much more emotional and feeling that stereotypical men. But that makes me, me. I'm not sure I made much sense here, but I hope so. Of courselves your journey may be much different than mine. I just wanted to show you that you are not alone. Be well, Lisa, and keep writing. Hugs, Emma

Your mother is very wise, and you are too to follow in her footsteps. I agree with you both: try to stay kind, patient, and forgiving. The opposite doesn't work! It never does.

Rules, laws, and regulations help but change only happens what the populace redefines its understanding of "right" and "wrong." In the US for example, we have laws banning discrimination on the basis of all sorts of things such as age, race, ethnicity, etc. Also laws prohibiting "insider trading" on the stock market. But proving that a violation occurred is all but impossible or impractical. I think it's terrific that you have the temerity to give your presentation and participate in public forums... raise awareness of how discrimination hurts real people who play valuable roles in our society. That takes courage on your part and you're to be commended.

Hey Pamela, What fun! I'm envious and I'm sure you all had a wonderful and interesting time. I very much wish I could attend such an event with my wife. Happy Valentine's, Emma

Hey Warren, You are the one, adorable, admirable, wonderful... Goodness, I am so happy to read your post tonight. Yeah, we will all have our ups and downs. But shoot, enjoy the ups, like you are! I don't know what else I can say. I like you and am so happy that you're part of our little community here. Hugs, hugs, hugs... Emma

Hi Jenny, Good for you! Are you pretty confident that he will maintain your confidence, or how much chance is there that he will tell others, such as your parents or anyone else? Hugs, Emma

Hey Warren, You know, man, we're your supporters. Stay hopeful, stay strong. I know you can. You're showing your wisdom and strength. I always love hearing from you. Hugs, Emma

I understand and am glad you could get some of this off your chest. Keep it coming! Don't stop.

Okay, this entry isn't really about "The Sound of Music" but the title seemed appropriate as I got started. And since it's my blog, well, you get the picture. The reason I'm writing here is that I have another article that I'd like to share but couldn't decide on a good place to post in the Forums. It's about climbing mountains - personal mountains, full of loose shale and dangerous outcroppings: Every life has a Great Struggle. A struggle that defines how—and whether—that life will reach fulfillment. Struggling well—facing, embracing, and overcoming one’s struggle—and struggling poorly—escaping, replacing, and ignoring one’s struggle—is one of the greatest and most necessary disciplines that we must master if we are to live, prosper, and blossom. For the truth is that if we don’t overcome our struggles, you know and I know: we will probably end up trapped in lives that feel like bitter and desperate failures, futile, meaningless, diminished. https://medium.com/bad-words/the-art-of-competition-5b7b3704d8c2 Breathe. Look up. See the mountain. Accept the gift. Emma

Sorry to hear about your frustrations. But... "Schrodinger's Pass"? Either you or your friends must be physicists! Cracked me up. :-). Makes me wonder if Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle might also be at work here.

Ok, sounds good, thanks.

If you were successful testing it on a different computer then I'd argue you're changing too many things at once. It would be much more interesting to try it out on the computer that is having the problem. Why can't you install Chrome and/or Firefox now? I'm sure you know they're free. And if your issue is solved by using an alternative browser then that would also be helpful for TGG when they report the problem to their hosting service.

Karen, have you tried Firefox and/or Chrome as your browser instead of IE? I suggest that as an experiment.

Lisa, Yes, sharing your plans with your wife is very important, especially depending on how you want/hope your relationship to evolve. I don't remember the specifics of what you've already discussed but from your most recent writing it sounds like your plans won't be a huge surprise. A piece of advice I heard sounds wise, though: we need to realize that it took us quite a number of years (or decades) to come to terms with our gender; it's understandable that we need to allow our SOs sufficient/significant time to also determine their feelings and needs. I hope you know that we all wish you the very best. Emma

I agree with Karen completely. I would you think it would be very helpful to review your roadmap with him/her, too. Perhaps post your roadmap here too? I would think that Karen and others would have some very helpful suggestions for you.

Dear Warren, I think that's a great idea! Although I can only imagine how conflicted you must be about designing, making, and marketing such girly things. Too bad that the interest in jewelry for men seems to be so low. But is it? Maybe for men in their 20s? I'm sure you'd know or have a much better feeling for this than I. If you don't mind, I'd like to provide you with some wisdom on creativity. I've studied a lot about this and have a story to relate. A pottery class was divided into two groups. The first group was assigned to make one pot for the semester. They were told to make their designs, consider it all very carefully, and then make it. At the end of the semester a committee would judge which one was best. The other group was advised to make as many pots as they could, every day, every week. They would also choose their best at the end of the semester, to judge which was best. Maybe it's obvious but the second group won by a landslide. Focusing on perfection doesn't work. So make jewelry, lots of it. Like writing, don't worry too much about having a complete idea to get started. Just start. Anywhere. Some of it will suck. But maybe some will generate more ideas that you can riff on. And do it for the fun of it, for the joy you'll be providing your customers. If you create that joy the money will follow. Best of luck with this, Emma

Hi Warren, Like UsernameOptional (Mike) advises, bang on your keyboard writing your blog and other things. Of course it won't fix it for you but it may help you emotionally. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way and wish I could offer more. Did your therapist give you an emergency number to call if you have a crisis? Perhaps that would be good to do. Or, what about the Transgender Suicide number? I'm not sure if it's only good for US residents. Okay, maybe you're not suicidal (I hope not) but you sound very very upset and need someone to talk to. I hope you feel better soon. Regardless, keep writing. Don't worry about what you're writing, just keep it coming. Hugs, Emma

Karen, I'm glad to hear of your journaling plans. its been great to follow along on your progress! Hugs, Emma

Dear Monica, Always there for us with your wisdom and insight. Thank you! Emma

Hey Ren, You do shine, man, you rock. It's always good to hear from you although I am saddened by your hassles and pain. Hugs always, Emma