Emma

I think Karen's suggestion bears repeating. Also, note new questions as they come out to add to your database, and refine your answers. I also agree that for some, perhaps those who are very emotionally attached to you, it's all too easy to overwhelm them with information. "Transgender" and "transitioning" are very unfamiliar to most. Perhaps as Karen advised, it's better to be prepared with answers and allow them to ask whatever comes to mind. Emma

Lisa, I think your letter is excellent, really. My only suggestion is to add a short paragraph between paragraphs one and two where you explain what gender dysphoria is. I think that is something we here all understand intuitively but for most others it's new language. Other than that, it's perfect. Best wishes, Emma

Hi Christie, Don't worry, you didn't say anything wrong at all. I get your point exactly. That said, I'm not sure I have much to offer. Well, maybe there is something. For me, my sexual orientation is to women. Being a male (hiding my gender concerns) of course only straight women would be interested in me and that's fine. But way back when I went to some lesbian bars when I was out with friends who were lesbians, and also used to go to one that was in my neighborhood in San Francisco. There were women there that I was attracted to, and others that I was not. I think that's like everyone. So maybe when you were considering gay men as date material you didn't get to know enough of them to find one you were attracted to. Have a nice Monday! Emma

Hi Christie, I really like on-line shopping at Amazon, especially with Amazon Prime. They ship for free to a local 7-11 store so I don't have to worry or be at home when the package arrives, and returns are super easy to do, also with free shipping. I know what you mean about the sizes. Last week I ordered a skirt from REI, and after very seriously studying the size guide, I selected XL. Well, it arrived and it was way too big! It's a tent! So then, I ordered three skirts from Amazon, two of them L and one L/XL. The two L's were still too big, but the L/XL fits perfectly, so that's the one I'm keeping of course. I'm s chicken when it comes to going into the stores to shop, so I bought a belt for the big REI skirt. I think and hope it will look okay with that. Take care, Emma

Hi Eve, Sounds delightful to caravan in Holland, cook outside, and just take life a little slower. We love to "go camping" also, but we typically bring a tent, and especially like camping in and around Mendocino, California, with a view of the ocean. Have a blast and I look forward to hearing about your trip when you return. Hugs, Emma

Dear Lisa, I can't imagine your wife not seeing you dressed after two years, and having started transition no less. I agree that surprising her would likely backfire. I just hope you two can talk about it and set up a place and time for her to get to know the new you. I think that is a higher priority to discuss with your therapist than coming out to your children and pastor, but that's only my opinion and obviously don't walk in your shoes. Emma

Hi Lisa, Thanks very much for your thoughts and advice. I am not contemplating transition at least right now. Trust me, I've really tried to figure out who and where I am. For like fifty years. I finally realized that I needed some space, time, and patience to explore. I can't do it all in my head. Please understand too, that it's a two way street. I have my issues, she has hers. I need to give her patience and understanding too. In the end, I hope, we will meet in the middle somewhere, with a stronger bond than ever before. Thanks again, Lisa, for your thoughtful comments. I hope all is going well with you. Emma

Oh goodness, such wonderful feedback. I'm afraid this is going to be a rather long post so grab a cup of tea or coffee, turn on some tunes, and fasten your seat belts, please! Yes, she definitely had, and has, some misconceptions about crossdressers in general as well as about me. Last night in the therapist's office I learned about some of her own demons that she's endured since childhood. She doesn't know exactly what ties them to me but at least we're talking about it. In an ideal world, definitely, we'd just overwrite the bad sectors and move on! At our age it's hard to jettison those old preconceptions that we've lived with for so long. But it's definitely something to shoot for, and is what I need and want. Here again, Mike, that's exactly what I dream of. If I can be satisfied with dressing in private (or rarely, say, to support group meetings and the like) I am afraid that I must insist on being allowed and accepted to dress as I wish in the privacy of our home. That said, I don't want to simply be "tolerated." I don't know if that's a realistic goal but it's what I'm aiming for. She says that she has complete support of me so maybe as you have experienced with your brother I will find that my wife will also learn to accept me no matter what. Kaylee: thanks so much for your comment too! Yes, but... for me, I think if I had the choice I'd choose female. I agree that it's not a simple decision, but I'd like to have been able to have that option! I love and envy your photo. You're beautiful, really pretty. Yeah, that's what I'm doing. I was talking privately with my therapist this morning and told him that a few months ago I was so daunted by the enormity of assembling a "complete" feminine persona, the clothes, accessories, make-up, wig, and on and on. I didn't do it. Instead, I've added a little bit at each support group meeting. I wore ballet flats and stockings to one meeting. At the last meeting I wore those along with a women's cotton top. And for the next meeting on May 7? I have a new skirt that I just received from Amazon. And I plan on adding a wig and breast forms. One small step for Emma, a giant leap too! Update from the last couple of days I'll try to be brief. It didn't work out as well as I'd hoped but I think we're still making positive progress: As mentioned above, we're learning more about some automatic concerns my wife has. This is so important to understand. Without this we will always have this gap between us, preventing her from achieving any "satisfactory" level of acceptance. Our therapist is teaching us a way of opening up those dark recesses in our minds that ensures that we each feel we've been heard and the other one has internalized what is going on. I think this is incredibly important to build trust and love. I'm planning on a new blog post on this pretty soon. I've decided to tell my wife that now's not the right time for me to return to our master bedroom. I know I will one day (probably within a month or two) but we have some more important ground to cover (such as those feelings I mentioned above). It's a wild ride of an emotional roller coaster. I'm really blessed to have such a wonderful wife, fantastic therapist(s), and to be part of our community here. It's all coming together perfectly. Tomorrow we're heading to Napa to join another couple for wine tasting at a couple of wineries and dinner at someplace fun. Take care everyone. I love you all, Emma

Dear Christie, I agree fully with Monica. Look at you. You're a beautiful butterfly emerging and taking wing. Hugs, Emma

Christie, thank you very much for your kind words. No matter what, I think we are all afraid of being alone. But at any age being transgender and learning what you individually want to do about it is darned hard. Thank goodness we have TG Guide to hang out in! Hey Veronica, back atcha girlfriend. To me the concept of passing is so weird. When I'm home, maybe just wearing a dress and doing the dishes (or writing here), all I know is that I feel good, I feel right. My hair is short, I have a 5 o'clock shadow, but what do I care? I only see myself when I walk past a mirror, and I try to avoid those... :-) Thanks a lot for your best wishes. I'm looking forward to it! Emma

Below is an email I sent to my therapist this morning in preparation for our couples meeting with my wife tomorrow evening. Names have been redacted or changed to protect the innocent. I imagine and hope we will have a great meeting tomorrow. Our therapist is remarkable how he helps us learn how to communicate better and, together, my wife and I are working through the scary assumptions and worries about what it means for me to realize I am transgender. As of this post it's been about seven months since coming out to my wife. It's been tough sledding especially early on but maybe we've progressed to a point where both of us will get our needs met and we'll remain happily together. I sure hope so. Hi Andrew, I have gender dysphoria. It's been hard for me to admit and accept but really, there's no denying it. There is no “cure,” no “fix.” Last night I read the WPATH Standards of Care (SoC). Didn't really learn much except that it's good to see, in one place, a comprehensive and professional look at what it is and recommendations on treatments for both MtF and FtM people. The dysphoria may be mitigated via a range of treatments/strategies such as: • Therapy • Occasional dressing, either in public or private • Living part- or full-time as the other gender • “Transition” o Hormones o Surgery Let’s start from the transition end of the spectrum. In my heart I know I wish I had been born and raised female. And maybe if I was in my teens or twenties now I would avail myself of the increased public acceptance of transgender people, perhaps living more openly and even considering transition. But at this stage of my life it doesn’t feel right – if it ever would have. Now, even with full hormones, surgeries (there would be several, for sure), and complete “passing” as a woman, I would still at heart be me. I can imagine myself on this treadmill of trying to achieve one more step toward being female but never achieving the unknowable, while also likely losing the one person who is most important to me in my life, Marie. Marie and I have been very close these last few days. Although we haven’t broached the “transgender subjects” at all my sense is that we’re coming to some level of acceptance. A couple of days ago she suggested that perhaps this Sunday I could return to living/sleeping in the master bedroom with her. I imagine that will be a topic for our couples meeting with you tomorrow evening. She and I have also talked about what we might do as early as a year from now, when the lease on her shop expires. Perhaps then we will pack up our house, rent it out, and move to Europe for a year or more. This has been a dream of ours for years. Thus, my returning to the master bedroom is a microcosm for our working out how we will live together as we move forward, traveling or even just at home when both of us are together all the time under the same roof. As I said at the start of this I do have gender concerns and I need to deal with them on some level (which is sill being determined). I think we need to bring this out in the open with Marie. I think a place to begin is with the term “crossdressing.” On previous occasions she has expressed her dismay and disapproval. And there’s no doubt in my mind that I would appear pretty odd to her when dressed in anything feminine. But given my gender dysphoria, why is it appropriate to label my dressing, either in bed, under my clothing, or even at some level of completeness (e.g., a dress with stockings, shoes, etc.), “crossdressing” at all? Am I not being (more) true to myself and that that is valid in its own right? For example, these days I am always wearing a nightgown and panties to sleep in. It feels good, right, comfortable. It eases my dysphoria, makes me feel better. It’s not erotic at all. I imagine all this will take some getting used to for both of us. But I think it’s an important bridge to cross for both Marie and me. But it's definitely a scary one. Hard for me to put myself out there in this way. I'm afraid of vulnerability, of being re-shunned, of Marie's being hurt, of being presented with still more unanswerable questions. Emma Photo: We were on a boat in South Africa, on a river in a place called Viljoensdrift. Just a pastoral setting, having a glass of local wine, watching the river bank drift by. Heavenly.

Dear Michele, That's so courageous, generous, and probably thankless for you to do. I simply cannot imagine standing up for myself in that environment. Thankyouthankyouthankyou. It's people like you that are paving the way for people like me. Maybe some day I'll learn from your courage that I can be so courageous too. Hugs, Emma

Dear Christie, Sounds like you had a very nice weekend... being yourself, which is freakin' great, girl! I agree that as much as I have femme role models (I don't have nearly enough fingers and toes to count them) I need to just be, and want to be, me. We are what we are, and we're beautiful. Hugs, Emma

Hi Kaylee, Such a nice note, thank you. And, I really did laugh out loud reading your light bulb joke. I'm definitely going to remember that one! You put into words a vague feeling I had about what was behind her words. I was also wondering if I was being tested to see if I was worthy of joining the club. I've heard that she may not come again to the meetings but the earliest will be August. Actually, I am also thinking of wearing a skirt at the next meeting! I ordered one that should arrive tomorrow. I'm confident the therapist would allow me to come a few minutes early to put it on. I'm feeling excited by that, like stepping a little further into the pool. Thanks again, Emma

Hey Ren! Great to hear from you and I'm delighted that you like the book. I hope it helps you, maybe something to look at and read when life throws crap at you. (I think crap is a fine and permissible word to use.) About the Ladies and Gents and Robotics of the Future... Sounds to me like you're talking about the Darwin Awards. These are awarded to people posthumously for their stupidity and success at removing themselves from the gene pool. Like the guy who figured he could electrocute fish in the lake as a much faster way to do it than with a pole and lures. Yep, he turned on the juice and was delighted to see dead fish floating to the surface. So, he waded out to collect them. Oops! He'd forgotten to first turn off the electricity... He joined the dead fish. I sure hope you will be able to get your top surgery. If it's prescribed as a medical necessity that would be fantastic and paid for by your insurance, right? I'll be thinking of you and sending whatever good vibes I can to help. It's always nice to hear from you. Don't be a stranger! Hugs, Emma

Best wishes and happy travels, Karen. It's been a pleasure getting to know you too. Emma

Hi Christie, Have a great weekend, unplugged! I also have trouble letting go of my iPhone. My wife kindly reminds me, from time to time... :-) Mountains and valleys is a good metaphor for the journey. Sometimes it feels like a slog, and other times a stroll through a flowery meadow. I also don't know where I'll end up. But regardless, I also very much appreciate friends and compatriots like you. Hugs, Emma

What a wonderful story. Thanks so much for sharing it with us. And your photo! Wow, you're beautiful! Good for you. Like Christie said I hope we hear a lot more from you. Hugs, Emma

Dear Lisa, I'm so happy to hear that things are going well for you. It's a long and winding road, with many detours, but you're finding your way. I can certainly understand your anxiety. I think it's only natural that you'd feel that way. A suggestion would be to try to take a deep breath, slow down, and try to focus only on the next hour, maybe the next day. Watch a sunset (or sunrise), have a coffee or tea, and bask in the knowledge that you are making steady and courageous progress. Hugs, Emma

LOL! I'll try to remember BMSMA (bite my shiny metal ass). That brings up some images that I'd better not share... I'd never even heard of Bender, but just looked him up. Thank goodness for Wikipedia. Looks like a cool robot. Man, I'm so OUT of it! Take care girls! Stay sweet! You all rock like CRAZY, you know? At least for me you do. Thanks so much for all your support and kind wishes. :-)

Interestingly, she has not talked to me further about it although yesterday I reached out to her via email to see if maybe she might need someone to share with. After all, it appeared to me that she was shaken up too, but maybe I was mistaken. This morning I had a one-on-one with my "regular therapist." I told him that I didn't feel that Susan's comment that I should try to get over it, and that Pamela isn't important in my life, isn't especially helpful. Interpreted in the worst way (which I don't believe she intended) it's kind of dismissive. I expect that this will be (or should be) a topic of conversation at our next group meeting, which is unfortunately four weeks from now. Not to talk about Pamela (she won't be back until August) but, I think, to hear about what was going on for Susan, and how we might have better handled the situation. No doubt it will happen again, somewhere, someplace. For me I need to try to remember that something as simple as "I don't appreciate being talked to in that way" is probably a great tool for me to keep handy on my Sam Browne. (Now, we'll see who of you know what I'm referring to!)

Melody, good for you for being so strong and self-assured. I could use some of your pixie dust, girl! We are all at different places in our wildly different journeys. I'd love to read more about yours. Emma

Wow, that really was a delightful thought and action from her. I'll bet you're on Cloud Nine right now! It does remind me, too, that I need to be on the lookout to practice random acts of kindness. The giver also is a receiver. One time my wife and I were in Paris, trying to figure out how to buy a ticket for the Metro (subway). I know French a bit, but I was stumped. Suddenly a lady walked up to us and handed us each a little paper thing, and just as quickly, departed. We looked at each other and said, "Maybe this is a ticket?" We slid it into the entry machine and, voila! We were in. Feeling mighty good too. Emma

Hey Veronica, Great points, thank you. "The most important thing is how Emma feels about Emma." Indeed, Emma was nervous, and allowing herself to trust and be vulnerable, so sometimes that's what happens. But it takes vulnerability to grow. And honestly? I like feeling vulnerable. So I will do it more. "If you're 72, had surgery, and taking the measure of how you see yourself through the narrow prism of 'how well you pass'?" I think, Veronica, that's a wonderful observation. Evidently that's how she thinks, and well, I wish I'd thought to ask that of her at that moment! But I will say that it's too bad, and a bit sad, if that's the way she feels after going through so much. I've wondered before if she's lonely. Maybe that's why she attends these meetings. Thank you for your kind thoughts and comments. I appreciate you. Emma