Emma

Yeah, that's good advice I think as well, Veronica. I'm holding tight to the side of the swimming pool, afraid at times of getting water up my nose. :-)

Sound advice, Karen, thanks. I certainly face many questions and the answers elude, especially as I'm in a fully committed relationship. She's catching up in her own understanding and acceptance (which I must have patience for) and hopefully we will meet in a place where I'm happy and she is too. I asked my gender therapist in our last meeting what actions/steps she might suggest I take to figure this out. Her metaphor is that we are on a Transgender Train with many stations along the way. We're free to get off and experience that neighborhood and get back on the train at will, to either retreat or move forward. Her advice? Continue my own research, attending her moderated support group, and unpacking my own psychological baggage with my therapist (whom she has talked to). I think we all move at our own pace. In some ways, sure, we'd like "it all to be over and done with" as soon as possible. But like they say, it's the journey not the destination. Without the journey one cannot fully appreciate the destination or know if they packed the right clothes. Emma

Michele, Going to the gym regularly (the one for exercise, not sex) will pay dividends for the rest of your life. Easy for me to say, of course. Does it feel good when you go even if you don't achieve the running speed that you used to do? For me there is something about the exercise itself that just makes me feel better. I do have goals too but even when I don't achieve them I know that the exercise itself is good for me. As far as the man goes, it sounds to me like there is something you worry about being with him. Maybe he feels good in bed but in your heart you don't trust him. I think you should listen closely to your heart and give him up. Find a new one (maybe at the gym!) so your body and your mind will be happy. Be well, Emma

Hello Haley, As Veronica and Monica have said, you're certainly not alone here, and you are very welcome. We'd all love to hear more from you, your thoughts and opjnions in the Forum threads and here in your blog. TG Guide is a safe and supportive oasis for all trans people and its full of information. But it's also a place with its own family of friends and acquaintances that I hope you will become a regular part of. Hugs, Emma

I gave him a little something as well. I really admire his spirit and am glad I can help. Emma

All systems go!!! Good for you; I'm definitely envious! And yes, thank you for writing this.

Veronica, I agree completely!!! In fact, I also use a piece of tissue to adjust the toilet seat (if needed) and to flush the toilet. In public restrooms I don't want to touch anything that others have touched if I can avoid it.

Welcome Art! I think it's so cool you're here and introduced yourself. I'm confident you'll find the community here to be warm and accepting. I hope to hear lots more about you and your life. Names can be hard to choose. In a recent TG support group I attended I mentioned that I was having trouble remembering all the new names. Not to worry they said, name changing is rampant among transgender folks! I wrote an early blog post about why I chose Emma. I'll have to read it again myself. Indeed there are times when I hear a different name and think it might be more fun or better. We don't usually select our birth names and Emma is growing on me and my friends here. I think Warren had a great suggestion: go on babynames.com and see what fits. Or, consider people or characters you admire or like. I'm sure that we will love whatever you choose. Emma

Dear Warren, Hearing from you often, as today, brings a smile to my face. I like your voice and your ideas. Like you, I accept and love all. I don't care about anyone's sexuality of gender. Recently, both of my therapists (yeah, I have two!) told me that they don't care for the term "transgender." I don't really know why and need to understand this better. I think we all want labels, as long as they are respectful, so we can communicate and understand each other. I'm told that younger people are coming up with all sorts of terms and word combinations for their gender feeling and expression. I wonder if the same thing is true for sexuality. I suspect that there is no perfect word for ones sexuality especially if it includes more than the opposite sex. Keep trying I say but then again don't stress over it. There are too many other things to worry about! Enjoy your vacation. Go have a tea or coffee, read a book, take a nap. You deserve it. Hugs, Emma

Dear Monica, You're always so wise, and clear in your thinking. Yes, I will be strong. It will be a bit easier since he and I had the chance to talk yesterday and I established the NO in no uncertain terms. Thank you, Emma

Good question; they're often awful. I really wonder why so many men seem to take pleasure in making a mess. But I've heard that women's restrooms can be very gross as well.

Thanks Karen, I agree. Some say yes because it's easy, and allows them to shift their attention back to whatever they really want to focus on or do. Also, let's face it, it's very hard to say no, especially when the individual is in the midst of a crisis. But I believe that saying no teaches important life lessons.

Veronica, I'm I may step in here... hopefully not barging in! I had some of this discussion with my gender therapist just last week. Here are her answers: 1. Absolutely, it's quite possible that a TG person will be perfectly content staying "in" their birth sex. She didn't have exact figures/percentages, but it's at least 50/50 that are happy without hormones or SRS. And some are happy only taking hormones, even if they could otherwise afford and medically handle SRS. 2. I suppose it depends if your breasts are the result of hormones (perhaps assisted with breast implants) or are only due to implants. The therapist reminded me of a transwoman in our support group who is only on hormones, lives full time as a woman, and that's where she's perfectly happy. My 2c, Emma

This post has nothing to do with transgender so you can tune out if you wish; It's about my almost-27 year old son. Since he was five or six he's been very independent, stubborn, and willful, making lots of challenges for me and his mother (we're divorced). He's also bright, attractive, and has a wonderful personality... when he's not depressed and sour. A couple of days ago he told me that his mother is going to stop paying the rent on his cheap apartment. He wasn't asking me to pick it up, as he knew I would not. Essentially what happened is that for at least the past year or two she's been paying the rent each month, saying "Okay, I'll do it again this time, but this is really the last time. You must get a job, you know you can. Just do it and hold on to it." Instead he played video games, watched TV, surfed the Web, smoked marijuana, hung out, or stayed in bed, depressed. So now, finally, he's really going to be cut loose. To sink or swim. He and I don't yell or fight. We enjoy each other's company, I pay for a burger and a beer, and we talk. He easily acknowledges his part in all this. And now he feels that despite the fact that he has a couple of weeks to get a job he's planning to be homeless. He told me that he thinks this will finally teach him the value of money, his things, and so forth. Oh sure, we talked about all the downsides of being homeless. He did it once before about ten years ago for a couple of weeks. But after a lot of talk and his (to me) rather strange confidence in this plan, I told him it's his decision. I told him how much I worry about him, getting robbed/beat-up/murdered, sick, thrown in jail, etc. Also, I worry about me: that I just know that within a month or two he will call and say that he just has to have $50. Or that he's in jail and needs bail. And I will have to say no. My mother (yes, the one who committed suicide) is the one who taught me, "Sometimes the most loving thing to say is No" and I think she was quite right. I told my son this, too, and he agreed that I should tell him no. And he also said that he's pretty sure that in fact he will still probably call to ask for the cash. And he knows I'll say no. Jeez, it's taken so long for us to get to this juncture. I started saying no to him and his mom after the 3rd or 4th attempt at college: "This time really, I'm committed, I'll do it!" A couple of years ago I offered him this: if he pays for his classes and books, I will reimburse him as follows: for an A he would receive 100%; a B gets 75%, and a C is worth 50%. Anything less is zero. He's tried to do that a couple of times; I paid 100% for a pottery class once. I don't care what classes he takes. Just learn something. He also assured me yesterday that no matter what he has no plans or thoughts about suicide. He will figure something out. I sure hope so. Tough love. It is tough to love. By the way, this has all been reviewed with a variety of therapists and counselors over the years. I'm sure I could have done a better job back when he was a child. My wife says no, but I am sure of it. But I really did do the best I could. Emma

You go, Karen, but we knew that!

Dear Warren, You're the best. I'm so happy to hear this from you! Emma

Hi Eve, Isn't it wonderful when there are weeks like yours when things go well? I'm happy to hear about yours and wish you a great next week! Emma

Hi Eve, Yes, it definitely and always helps to hear examples of personal experiences. Thank you for your feedback! Emma

This gender therapist is the same one who runs the monthly TG support group I've been attending. We met one-on-one yesterday afternoon for an hour, as I had some more questions for her. The questions and answers below are in no particular order and I hope that others find the information helpful. This therapist has seen over 2,000 gender conflicted clients (MTF and FTM) over forty years so she has a lot of credibility with me. The questions are in violet and answers in black text: I told her that I am often if not always hyper-aware of the social environment around me, how I'm being perceived, what I need to do/say/be to fit in, with anyone, my wife, my sons, and in social/business settings. For example this came up for me in our most recent support group meeting where I felt that I'd had a small (yet significant to me) verbal conflict with one of the TS transwomen in the meeting. First, she was incredulous about my "conflict" as it barely registered with her or, she thinks, anyone in the room. That said, though, she said my monitoring and awareness is classic gender-concerned person behavior, and followed on to say that it's equally rare with people who do not have gender-concerns. One thing that I have been wondering about: I think most would agree that except for a small minority, people are very "binary" in their sex, either male or female. Is the same true for gender or are there an infinite spectrum of genders, perhaps from something like "pure female" to "pure male" (whatever that is). The reason I asked is that at least for now I don't feel a need to transition or publicly present myself as female. In my home I'm finding satisfaction in going about my humdrum activities partially crossdressed. Indeed, she is certain that there is an extremely wide variety of gender feelings and expressions. Even the term "transgender" isn't being accepted so much by younger people these days, who prefer all sorts of labels, including non-gendered, genderqueer, and others I can't recall now. All right, but how much should I (or my wife) concern myself with sliding down a "slippery slope" that inexorably leads to HRT/surgery as I explore my gender feelings and expression? As I mentioned I don't feel compelled to transition now but maybe like a drug once the high diminishes with use might I need more? There is no way to predict the future, of course. She's had plenty of clients who did and did not feel a need to transition and of those who didn't, some later found that they wanted to and others were perfectly content staying where they were. Oh great, I love uncertainty... Might she have some additional "small" steps or actions she would recommend for my journey of exploration? I was thinking that with her experience she might have some real pearls of wisdom... She felt that what I'm doing now, attending her monthly group meeting, seeing my therapist individually and with my wife, and dressing as I feel at home, is all perfectly fine. And, of course, my interactions with friends on TG Guide, too. My take-away from this is that many of us are anxious "to get to the answer" and expedite the process. But hey, we're people, and we need to allow ourselves (and our families) time for those answers (use of plural is intended) to emerge and develop. Regarding shame (which came up as an aside): Here again, many if not most trans people experience intense shame at least at some point in their lives as they perceive their differences from others. And many do not do anything about their feelings until middle age. Amazingly, she's had a large number of clients who had lived with an undefined shame most of their lives and just didn't have any idea what it was about. But gradually, with therapy and introspection, they realized that they are trans. Well, at least that's a bucket that doesn't contain me! I always knew of my envy of girls and things-girly... Are there any demographic commonalities among her trans clients? No, trans people come from all ethnic, social, racial, academic, and careers. There is absolutely no way to demographically categorize trans people. Although I reassure my wife that I am not gay she remains worried. As an example, last week I was looking at an article about rodeos and cowboys in the NYT on my computer. She came in and saw a photo of a young cowboy sleeping almost naked and panicked! She feels that most trans people are heterosexual and remain so (or become, if you will, homosexual after SRS/GCS transition). Understandably, some may experiment with opposite sex partners after transition but here again, most tend to stay with the orientation they had all along. That said, the worry that my wife has is quite common and hard to dissuade. So that's about it. Perhaps you have your own questions you'd like to add in the comments? Or I'll probably return to her in another month or two.' Emma The Photo: No, the photo of elephants being rather personal with each other has nothing to do with this entry. I just like it and decided to post it. I took it in Zimbabwe on the Zambezi River about three years ago. There were about ten elephants crossing the river single-file and these two were really hanging on to each other for dear life. Thank goodness for telephoto lenses! I have to add: later during sunset the guide served us (what else?), Zambezi Beer, to which I assured him Whenever I'm on the Zambezi, I only drink... Zambezi Beer!

Hi Jennilee, Good for you to start a blog! And even better, to go shopping in HK. I've been there several times (often to Shenzhen too) and really like it there. Kind of hot and humid in the summer, though. Too bad about your sore throat and cold and hope you feel much better soon. Emma

Hi Eve, Thanks for asking. Yes, I think it went fine overall, but it was amazing how worried she really is about the possibility of my being gay. I think that stems from two things: 1. It's hard to dismiss the assumption that one who is transgender or crossdresses is gay. 2. If I am gay then she worries that I will eventually leave our marriage. I offered to show her the NYT article on my computer but she didn't want to. She asked me to provide a summary off the top of my head, which I suspect was a way to test how much I had read the article versus just looking at the photos (of which she's only seen the one). I assured her again that she has nothing to worry about but she got pretty teary saying that she had been very worried in the morning. Poor thing, she's really on edge these days. Emma

I hope you don't mind my adding to this. The reason I suggested writing everything down is to make sure you don't have to rely on memory. We all have trouble at times remembering details. I am not thinking that you will directly share your notes with anyone other than, perhaps, your BF. Before you meet with management, I suggest that you: 1. Re-read your notes so they are fresh in your mind. 2. Summarize the incidents. For example, group them into different "types" or by different individuals. Like, "On 3 occasions, T__ did ____, and at least twice, Chef H said ____." This is the way management likes to hear things: in quick summaries. Then, if needed, they can ask for more details. 3. Create the details from your notes. Again, short and sweet. Just the facts! By doing the above you will demonstrate to management that you are professional and perhaps more importantly, fully prepared if legal action is ever needed. Good luck, Emma