Emma

Christie, you're doing great. You're lucky, too, that your employer and supervisor doesn't mind your receiving so many packages there. I'll bet you had fun at the gym! Emma

Hi Everyone, Thank you so much for such heartfelt and supportive comments. Sigh. I'm very lucky to have found you and to be part of this group. I love you all. I don't want to sound silly, but... Remember when Sally Field was accepting her award and said, "I guess you really do like me!" I feel like that now, thank you. (She is so sweet, I've always loved her. When she played The Flying Nun I was about ten years old and yeah, I wanted to be a nun too.) Yes, there is always someone like Pamela in every group. We all know that, we've all experienced it. I was just so surprised and caught off guard. And sure, allowing oneself to be off guard should be normal in a support group. I think that's the main point that I need to take away from this episode. It's okay to be myself and be vulnerable. But there are wolves in sheep's clothing everywhere we go and we need to watch out for them and try to be prepared. I hope you all have a wonderful Wednesday! Hopefully my new top/shirt will be ready to pick up at REI today. :-) Emma

Thank you, Christie. In some ways I really don't give a darn what set her off, nor do I really want to hear it. What she owes me is a deep and sincere apology. Maybe then we could be friends. I hope so. I have decided that I will continue to attend the meeting in August. I'm not going to let Pamela "win" or know she got to me, or allow her to control me. But I will be careful when I'm around her, you can be sure of that. Hugs Emma

Last week I had a disturbing experience at the therapist-led Transgender support group meeting I attend each month. It left me sad and disillusioned, and depressed. Today, five days later, I'm feeling better so that's good. I've thought about writing this in my blog but I've been very torn. I don't like to hear myself complain or whine and I don't know what the point of this post is anyway. Maybe we'll learn together. Prior to the support group meeting things were looking brighter. My wife had told me that she wants us to stay together, and that while she still has lots of reservations about what I'm dealing with, she wants us to work it out. And on Wednesday evening we had a couples meeting with our therapist that was very productive. Thursday evening was the TG support group. I'm gradually feeling a little more confident/adventurous so I wore my ballet flats as well as a new women's long sleeved shirt that I ordered from REI. It's pretty androgynous but with its sleeve details and boatneck it's definitely not male. One more little step for me. As usual, the moderator/therapist (I'll call her Susan) called on the members around the room one by one to talk about what's going on for them. There were four transsexual women (at least on HRT and a couple have had their GCS surgery). The first one talked about some things going on for her at work. Evidently she's an executive at a local technology company. The second one talked about lectures she's been giving at Stanford and some papers she's writing or contributed to. The third one (I call her Pamela, more about her later) talked about having a retaining wall built at her house and travel plans she and her wife have coming up, and the fourth was tired and didn't talk much. Finally, Susan got to me. I was surprised that no one seemed to have anything to say about being transgender or whatever. I figured, okay, I'm the new girl and not nearly as far along. So, I started by giving them an update on how things are going better for me, how I'm finally internalizing to myself that I am in fact transgender. I made a small joke that I'm probably the first person to question that about themselves. Pamela, who is 72 and fully transitioned, often tends to set herself up as the know-it-all and this evening was no different in that regard. For some reason she started firing questions at me and making statements, like: "The most important thing is how well you pass as a woman." I responded that I am not ready for that but that yes, eventually, I may want to, but I may end up being satisfied coming only "part of the way out" in public. "If your gender is female then you need to decide what kind of female you are. And if you don't know you'd better do some serious introspection." I told her that in fact I have done one heck of a lot of introspection and that gradually I think I'm making progress. "Or maybe you're just going to give up on this?" As if I might purge or otherwise decide I am not transgender. As if she cares or has a reason to care? I told her that no, at this stage in the game for me, it's clear that I cannot deny it. About this time I asked her why she was hectoring me like she was, "pushing my back against the wall." She responded that I had asked her questions (which I had not) and that therefore she has the right to ask me questions too. She went on for a while longer. I felt like I was on the witness stand and unless I kept answering and in a nice way I was going to lose. I almost started crying a couple of times. Finally, Susan (the therapist) said I was doing fine and we kind of stopped. Since I was the last one, we then made plans for where we would meet for dinner. As I left the office I noticed that Susan's mouth and lips were kind of trembling. I wondered why but later on reflection I think she was also deeply affected. The following morning I woke up very sad, despondent. I realized that the whole thing had affected me very deeply. I wrote this email to Susan: Dear Susan, You asked me at dinner how I was doing and I thought I was fine. This morning I'm sad. Pamela was mean and rude to me last night. Maybe it sounds silly but I came close to crying a couple of times; even now as I think about the interchange with her I am tearing up. To me, "transgender support group" is a meeting where it's understood that we're all at different places in our journeys and its members are there for each other, to support, provide their thoughts and ideas, and overall, provide a safe place to be vulnerable and open among what might become a group of friends and compatriots. Instead, Pamela took the opportunity to question everything about me, if I'm "woman enough", committed to being trans enough, present feminine enough, ... all cast in the "reasonable" light of "Well, you asked me questions so I can ask you too." I asked questions of the group, not of Pamela specifically, and certainly not of the insulting nature of her's. I suppose she has her own issues and maybe that's one reason she attends the group. On the way to our cars Katie kindly patted me on the back for standing up to Pamela, saying she needs to be taken down a peg or two from time to time. Fine, but that's no excuse for Pamela's being a bully. Our conceptions of what it means to be female are based on inner feelings, observations, and perhaps some wishful thinking. To me, part of being feminine means it's okay to be lighthearted and sweet, vulnerable and feeling, sensitive and caring. So, I am saddened this morning as I consider what happened and what I should do next. Pamela gave me an insincere apology at dinner. I am glad she will not attend the meeting until August. I'm not sure but I doubt I will attend future meetings when she will be present. Emma Here is the email I received from Susan: Emma, I was upset re group interaction last nite as well. I could not sleep. I plan to talk to Pamela via phone later this afternoon or before she leaves for Paris. She was definitely confrontive. I am not sure what she was trying to do. I do understand your feelings and suspect the others felt the same way. I agree with your description of being feminine. Try to put it away. She is not important in your life. Susan So that's it. This confrontation brought up so much for me. Like arguments I had with my mother when I was preschool and could not express myself. Or when I was taunted and teased by neighborhood bullies in elementary school, whom I wanted to be friends with. The weekend sucked, as I kept replaying the whole thing. I'm sure we'll discuss this at the next support group meeting when, thankfully, Pamela will not attend because she'll be travelling. Unfortunately that will be four weeks from now. I don't know what set her off. Not that there is a reasonable justification for her behavior. Maybe she's impatient with me. After all, she's transitioned, about 10-15 years ago, maybe she thinks I'm being whimpy. Or maybe she was pissed that I seem to be making slow progress, and that I'm not at all sure I will want or need to transition. Like I said, I thought this meeting was supposed to be a safe place. Susan didn't interrupt Pamela and I don't know why. I suspect she was caught completely off guard. Maybe what seemed to take 10 minutes to me was only a couple and it took her a while to react? I forgive her nonetheless. And here again, I'll be asking about it when we meet again. So what's the point(s) we should take from this? I guess that it's just real life in action. Crap happens. I'd like to say it doesn't matter. I feel like I'd be a better person if I did. Over time I'm sure I'll be okay. Emma

Hi Christie, I'm a decade older if that's any consolation and I feel the exact same way. I really don't know what else I can say. I know exactly what you mean. It's sad, isn't it? I don't mean to wallow in a pity party but I'd sure have preferred to have been born female. I look at little girls around my neighborhood and, well, I can't help but be a bit envious. Emma

I certainly never felt comfortable talking to either of my parents about sex. :-)

That's incredibly generous and thoughtful of you, Karen. Thank you.

Dear Christie, It sounds to me like you made the ideal choice of the first person to come out to. And also you are doing the right thing by preparing. By considering what comments and questions she may bring up and your responses you will hopefully reduce some of your anxiety. She's friendly so if she asks something that you're not ready for give yourself a moment, take a breath, a sip of water, and see if the answer comes to you. If not it's perfectly okay to say "Great question, thanks! I'm going to have to think about that one and get back to you on it!" Have fun with her. I'm sure you're going to be great. Emma

Monica, I agree with you. She's an older woman (about 70, I think) and I guess she was caught flat-footed. Before we went to dinner (while the meeting was adjourning) I noticed that her lips were kind of trembling. At the time I assumed it was kind of an older-woman's twitch if you know what I mean, but when we were at dinner she asked me how I was doing. I told her that I was fine (and the transwoman in question was sitting next to me and I didn't want to get into another confrontation anyway). In hindsight I could have asked Judy (the therapist) how she was doing since evidently she was also affected by the whole thing. Anyway, she promised to follow up and I'm hopeful it will all blow over. The other two transwomen in last night's meeting are delightful and I enjoy their company a lot. Emma

So I have a message to you all, believe in yourself, be who you really are. I need to remember this. It's what I'm trying to do, learn who I am and be okay with being myself. I'm making progress but last night at the TG Support Group a transitioned transwoman in her 70s got all confrontational with me, accusing me of not being women enough, feminine-enough, trans-enough, committed enough to being transgender. It hurt me deeply. I countered her politely enough (which was hard) and this morning wrote an email to the therapist who leads the meeting. Here's a short excerpt: I suppose she has her own issues and maybe that's one reason she attends the group. On the way to our cars A___ kindly patted me on the back for standing up to J___, saying she needs to be taken down a peg or two from time to time. Fine, but that's no excuse for J___'s being a bully. We all have our conceptions of what it means to be feminine based on inner feelings, observations, and perhaps some wishful thinking. To me, part of being feminine means it's okay to be lighthearted and sweet, vulnerable and feeling, sensitive and caring. The therapist wrote back saying she was also deeply disturbed by the confrontation. (I wonder why she didn't say anything last night but I imagine she was flabbergasted.) Anyway I'm sorry if I'm stealing from your parade. Like everyone here I share in their congratulations and support of your progress. Emma

Thank you, Karen, that's very thoughtful of you to write that to me and more importantly to follow up with the women you dated. I've been married to my wife since 1996 and before that to my ex-wife since 1982 (I think!) with no other women in between. I suppose at some point I'll tell my ex but certainly not before I tell our two sons. In fact I was just thinking about when I would have that discussion with my sons. The greater priority is for my wife and I to make some more progress (we are doing pretty well these days) and for me to be a bit more settled in my self-acceptance and presentation in the TG spectrum. Anyway, thank you again. Those were interesting epiphanies for me and I do hope they help others. Take care, Emma

Hey Christie, my story mirrors yours except as it turned out my preschool friend was a boy who grew up into a gay man. He and I spent a lot of fun times playing with little characters, making up stories for them to be together, things that are more often ascribed to girls. Thank you for your blog post; I hope to keep hearing more from you! Emma

As I increasingly accept my transgender self I find understanding of past issues and behaviors that I have often wondered about. Two in particular have become clear very recently. 1. Unexplainable breakups As a teen and young adult I had plenty of girlfriends. I suppose I was attractive enough, "nice," and possibly they sensed a level of kindness and sensitivity that was lacking in other boys and young men. Several of these relationships went on for a long time and seemed to be headed for marriage until I just had to break it off. That was incredibly hard for me since I hated the thought of hurting these girls/women and perhaps worse, I didn't have the words to tell them why I just had to do it. Now I know. I could not find the courage or vocabulary to tell them about my transgender feelings and desires. And, I could not risk their telling other friends and associates any of it. So after the exhilaration of having a soul mate I broke it off and broke their hearts and mine. Thus, I sincerely apologize to Stacy, Leslie, Megan, Jane, Deanne, and others I've hurt. I've carried a lot of guilt over the years about my behavior and I hope that at some point you found in your hearts to forgive me. 2. Secrecy is the breeding ground for negative assumptions For most of my life I've had fears and intuitions that my parents, friends, wive(s), sons, and associates were mad at me or otherwise disappointed. I'm realizing now that the root of this is my almost unceasing review of whether or not my secret has been exposed. Also, I've always had such a strong need for external validation, often sacrificing (and rarely sharing) my wants and desires in order to gain favor. I apologize to myself for this. I also forgive myself. I really have always tried to be as good a person as I can be. Here again, accepting and disclosing my transgendered nature is good for me. You've come a long way, baby! Photo: a cathedral in Helsinki, Finland.

Oh good, I'm glad you're reading it that way. I brought it to my first meeting with a gender therapist. She was very familiar with it and showed me where it originated in (I think I recall this correctly) Harry Benjamin's very famous and groundbreaking book. She advised that I approach it the way you are. About the on-line quizzes: they are fun in their way but, really, they are crap! We all would like simple answers but if there was a way to objectively identify one as transgender and/or their placement (as it were) under the TG umbrella I'm sure that we would find it in more professional venues. Indeed, my gender therapist who has over forty years experience with >2000 TG clients doesn't have such a thing! I wish she did, though... :-)

I'd like to express some thoughts about the table Karen provided. Indeed, it's helpful in that it shows some of the range and variety of transgender people, as well as an introduction to some vocabulary and other aspects, such as sexuality. However, my impression (subject always to further learning!) is that, for example, it is quite possible that one may find dressing to be erotic and yet still be a transsexual who may or may not transition. This is an important point since some years back it was thought that if one did find dressing to be erotic then they must be a sort of fetishistic crossdresser. That had some logic (however flawed). So I suggest that the chart be used as a bridge or stepping stone in ones learning but not taken too literally.

Hey Warren, As always, man, you rock. You bring a smile to my face. In fact, I'd say you're... Fascinating!!!! :-) Emma

Perhaps you will also suggest she check out and join our community!

Hi Christie, It's great to see your new blog; like everyone here, I encourage you to keep writing. It's wonderful to have new members! I'm also trying to figure out where I'll end up in my transgender journey, and also fairly shy about what I show to the outside world. A month ago when I attended a local (monthly) therapist-led transgender support group I wore a new pair of flats (black) that I'd ordered on Amazon. Woo hoo! They liked them fine, but I chickened out when, after the meeting, several of us went out for dinner. In the car, I changed my shoes. This Thursday is the next meeting and I intend to wear the flats again, and this time, wear them to dinner too. Also, I have a new rather androgynous long-sleeved top that I'm going to wear. Why not? I am what I am, which happens to be transgender. I'm a nice person and deserve to feel good about myself especially when out with friends. See you! Emma

Warren, it's always good to hear from you. I respect your taking it a day at a time to get to your surgery. It's hard to wait and deal with all the heat and discomfort I'm sure. Each day and a few dollars here and there gets you a little closer. Big hugs to you, Emma

I agree with Karen on all counts. Especially with best wishes on your wife providing support. I don't recall how much you have already told her; I assume this won't be a total surprise. The advice I hear over and over again is to be patient and kind with her. Show her that you are the one she fell in love with regardless of your gender, and that as you start your transition you are even more calm, supportive, and interested in what's going on for her than you were before. After all, you've been aware of your gender issues for a very long time and you need to give her time to catch up. Hugs, Emma

In case you’re not familiar with it, “Transfigurations” is a wonderful book of photography and associated narratives of trans men and women by Jana Marcus. I recently posted about it here: I have stepped through the on-line slideshow and video a couple of times. Profound seems like an overused word but it was definitely that for me. What I found in these pages are wonderful examples of real people simply needing to be what they are. Like me. You see, this has all been very hard for me to accept and acknowledge, that I am transgender. I’ve blogged about this before and received your encouragement, thank you. But still, I wondered: what’s it mean? When I’m dressed I feel right in the world and I have a reluctance to remove the feminine clothing. But when I do, hey, it’s okay. I get along fine in my masculine clothes, too. I love the book and will soon be ordering my own copy. I also was transfixed by the video of the book’s release. Here again, the transmen who are interviewed are so grounded, so themselves; no one can deny their validity and humanity. These are guys I’d like to know. I’ll bet we would become good friends. A few days ago I emailed the link to the book and video to my therapist. His response: Thanks, Emma. Beautiful and inspiring. And did you know that Quan Yin has been sitting next to you the entire time you have been in my office? I think he’s right. Quan Yin is right next to me, always. I’m not in her shadow nor is she in mine. I don’t know what she is to me at the moment. Guardian angel? Alter ego? It doesn’t matter; it’s just very comforting to know that she’s here with me. Like Cecilia, I want to live up to the ideals of Quan Yin. Emma Photo credit: This is from Jana Marcus with her full permission. Thank you, Jana! In case you can't read the tag line at the bottom of the photo, the book may be ordered at a special on-line price here: http://www.7angelspress.com

Bottoms up! Kanpai! Sante! Prost! Skoll! Cheers to you and yours!

Hello Art, I'm also sorry to hear about your experience with your mom. I would like to suggest, though, that you check your assumptions before taking it too seriously. I don't mean to say that her statement didn't happen, nor that she is telling you her bias - those are very real. But, until you do actually tell her you cannot really know how she will react. Perhaps (at least we can hope) that once she realizes that it's her child who is experiencing such trauma then her opinions and reactions will change. We could even imagine a scenario where she had noticed a transgender person in her soap opera and reacted positively, only to react negatively later when, here again, she realizes it's her child - not some TV actor. I think it's all too easy for all of us (especially me) to jump to a negative conclusion based on assumptions that haven't been checked out. That said, she gave you some information that hurts to hear but maybe it will help you as you prepare to come out to her. I wish you the best, Art. I really do. Hugs, Emma P.S. Please don't interpret what I'm writing to be telling you "to get over it." I certainly know that you're hurting and that's what you need to do now. I just want to add my voice that you are heard, valued, and accepted. You will get through this.

That just sounds so wonderful for you, Karen! Of course, now my interest is piqued: I hope you'll give us a summary of your night out with the girls!