Emma

In my gender therapist's group (which I don't attend any longer) there were three transitioned women who remained married, and at least 2-3 who dressed on an "as needed" basis - like at a local trans-friendly boutique - and remained married. I suspect that's a bit of an anomaly but I found it inspiring nonetheless.

My thoughts are with you both today.

Hey Alex, Wonderful post, fantastic news. Ren's cutting has always worried me. I have never done it but I think I know why he did. Ren is rightfully coming into his own and growing stronger every day. All of us have his six o'clock covered. Please send my regards to Ren. Like you, he totally rocks. Warm hugs, Emma

Hi Luna, Good to hear you had a nice time. It feels good to receive affirmations from friends and new friends, doesn't it? I looked for your new photo but didn't find it. Did you forget to do it? Anyway I'm happy for you. Have a nice weekend! Hugs, Emma

Thank you! I am truly blessed to be married to my wife. One piece of advice I received at a gender group meeting was this: don't forget that I have been living with my trans feelings my whole life whereas for my wife it's been much more sudden, foreign, and short-lived. We need to give our partners, families, and friends, time to come to terms with the reality that we are so familiar with. As for accepting myself: wow, that's been gradual. I lived in deep shame for over five decades. Given what I know now that seems like such a shame but it is what it is. My therapist, my wife, and yes, my own courageous exploration has led over the past two years to my accepting myself much more than I ever have. I have more to go, that's for sure. I think I am made in layers like an onion. I peeled back the TG layer and... oops! There's another one! Hugs, Emma

Karen, As I think you know about me I don't have plans to transition. Yes, that may change and I can't predict that. But for now, that's my plan and provides maybe some context for what I'm going to say here now. My wife has been clear to me that a) she's terribly afraid of losing me, and b. she's not a lesbian. So, I'm pretty certain that if I started transitioning our relationship would disintegrate. My wife's been through a lot in her support of me, thank goodness, but I think transitioning just wouldn't work for her. I have some feelings about this too of course. I'd certainly prefer it if my wife was able to express her support the way Bree does for Nicki. I'd then feel a bit more freer to just be myself and that would take some pressure and uncertainty off of my shoulders. And yes, I've always felt that if I was a woman I'd be a lesbian! Thanks for brining up this interesting topic, Emma

Hmm, I am no expert. I bought mine at Carla's Boutique in San Jose, CA. The owner Aejia (pronounced Asia) would be happy to help over the phone and does biz over the web, too. Pls mention I sent you. At least she could give you more expert advice! I do like mine fine. They feel good on, although they do feel kind of firm, firmer than real breasts. Maybe that's necessary to hold their shape since after all they aren't attached to the chest, just held in place by a bra. Regardless I'm glad to hear Nikki is enjoying hers. I can't imagine using water balloons. :-) Emma

Depression sucks, Nikki, I know it well. I'd expected that coming out as TG would resolve it all but found that like so many things it's like peeling back the onion. There's more stuff inside. The good news for me is that at least the outer layers are, finally (after goodness, more than fifty five years!), peeled back. Take care of yourself, wade in, and allow it all to wash over you slowly and at your own pace. There is no rush. Bree, I fully understand your feelings about bras and breast forms. Why not? I can't really imagine what it's like for you of course, but then again, I think I do. Like Nikki, take it easy and at YOUR own pace. You're fully involved with your own feelings which are also perfectly valid. It's so beautiful and admirable about how you're both growing together. Warm hugs, Emma

Regardless, they are beautiful and I'm sure they take serious effort. Me? I can't stay in the lines...

Wow, you made those? They're beautiful! I wonder how you do it. They are so detailed. They must take a long time to make; that looks like a years worth. Hugs, Emma

HI Alexandru, Thank you for your post. It's important for all to increase awareness that we can't choose what we are. Too easy to say "just stop it" for those who don't experience or have any concept of our experience. But that response is painful. As if to tell us (you) to shut up, you're bothering me. Well, you're not bothering me whatsoever. I hope your blog and our responses help you find peace. I mean that. Hugs, Emma

Dear Ren, my young friend, You look fantastic in your photo! And glad to hear you're doing so well. I also go to see a chiropractor when needed. They do a world of good. My GP recommended I see one several years ago instead of a "back doctor" who, he said, would likely want to operate and would just cause more damage. I really think he was correct. I'm also glad that my donation to you is helping, both mentally and hopefully soon, for your surgery or whatever you need it for. Does this mean GoFundMe is no longer accepting funds for you? I was hoping that people would start to see your balance increasing and they'd start to follow. Anyway, stay well and don't be a stranger. You're too cool for school, Ren! Warm hugs, Emma

Dear Chrissy, Your job and situation is very hard. I can't imagine how you deal with it. Just put one foot in front of the other, I guess. But also, maintain your own dignity and hold the moral high ground. We can't control the others but we can show them that we are good and decent people. Your dance class sounds terrific in many ways. Good exercise too! I always wanted to dance as a female. I'm envious and admire you. Hugs, Emma

Hi Luna, Me too. You're very brave and considerate. Sounds to me like you're doing the perfect thing. More importantly you're accepting that you cannot control any one else. I also hope they express and portray the acceptance and support that you, like any human being, deserves. And these days the chances are greater than ever that that is exactly what you will receive. But if one or more judges you, as you wrote, that's not your problem. Nothing you can do about that. Please do keep us informed! It might also be interesting if you post a copy of the email you sent (deleting personal info of course. Hugs, Emma

I just find it so sad that there are so many people, in government, public service, free enterprise, and general citizens, the world over, that fight so hard to lay claim to more stuff and riches, as well as moral judgments, instead of honestly working to get along. The Earth is a beautiful planet and place to live and grow. Let's just be here, live together however we are, and enjoy the spinning seasons. I suppose that doesn't contribute much to this discussion. It's just the way I'm feeling this morning!

I agree with Karen. Your situation absolutely sucks but it would certainly suck more if you capitulate now (although they may not even be aware of it) and bow out before you get what you can out of them, which is your GRS and other care. At least then you can leave with your head held high. There may even also be a small chance that there will be more turnover. I found it odd that there is already been so much in such a short time. Don't count on it of course but who knows, patience and steady performance on your part may win the day on the career front as well. Another idea: where did the VP whom you liked go? Maybe somewhere that she'd like you to join her? Best wishes, Emma

Dear Luna, What can I say except that I'm very happy for you! I agree about the change in perspective. I think it does need to be something along the lines of "sure, I suppose I think about what they might think but in the scheme of things it doesn't matter. My life and well being is what is what I'm living." And thank goodness your family and friends are supportive. You are indeed very fortunate! But we are also fortunate to have you as a TGG member. Hugs, Emma

Dear Brigsby, I can hardly imagine the feelings you are experiencing and I'm saddened to consider how hard all this must be for you. I'm sure you've thought it all through countless times. I wonder if you've also talked with a therapist who understands you and your situation much better than we ever would? Sometimes it helps to have a trusted 3rd party to brainstorm with. Regardless, it's good to hear from you and I hope we can provide assurance that you're part of a supportive community of brothers and sisters. Hugs, Emma

Oh Eve, I am sorry that peace seems to be eluding you. You're a beautiful beacon and such a delightful woman. We all love to hear from you, shed tears with you, and protect you. But as you are on HRT, perhaps it is easier to cry, is it not? No need to fit it any longer. It is your birthright. And Michael, you are always steadfast and strong, and even the strongest break down when they need to. I'm sorry to hear that you cry, too. But I love you all the more for it. Together, my friends, we are a close community. I dream that someday we are all together. What a fun gathering we would have! Warm hugs, Emma

Dear Steph, Eve, Veronica, Thank you for your sincere and kind words. I feel that I should make a poster out of them and put them all on my wall. I promise that I will save and treasure them, and you. I am a little embarrassed here. Still feeling on edge and sensitive. I know from experience that these feelings come and go, ebb and flow, and in the intensity of the moment like last night I tend to catastrophize it all into binary, black or white, live or die. I suspect you know what I mean. Darn it, we are good people, loving people, and we just want to be loved and appreciated for the beauty that we have within and without, regardless of our birth sex, gender, or truegender. So, thank you again for writing. I truly appreciate your kindness. Love, Emma xxxoooxxx

"You're too sensitive." I've heard that so many times in my life. Worse, I believe it. I should not be hurt by rude people at work. I seem to be the only one who gets hurt. So no, I shouldn't be affected. I should not like how I feel when I wear my dresses. After all, it's just cloth. A fabric of threads. And I'm not supposed to like them. I should not be scared. Scared that people will discover how scared I am. Of being hurt. I should not even write this here. After all, I'm a mod; mods don't cry. "It's always all about you." That hurts too. A lot. So if I didn't feel then it wouldn't hurt snd it would not have to be about me. I should be happy, not sad. What have I got to be sad about? "I'll give you something to be sad about." Shoulds suck. I should forget that word, delete it from my vocabulary. I like it when I feel my truegender. Inside and out. But it's just a feeling and I don't know if it's okay to feel. Is it? It doesn't seem like it. My cursor gently blinks as I ponder clicking the Submit button. Maybe this is what blogs can be for. Sometimes to pour out my heart. Show the world that I feel. I don't like it and I don't know what to do with it but there it is.

Hey Jay, Yeah man, I love riding my bicycle too. No rain today in Northern California and I'm soon to be found out and about for a couple of hours challenging myself through the foothills. It doesn't get much better than that! Have a great day, Emma

Dear Ren, You have every right and reason to be frustrated, angry, and impatient. And yeah, it sucks that your "friends" are so few and seems that their depth and consideration of you is shallow. It does get harder as adults to meet more friends - especially ones that we really connect with. I don't have many (outside of TGG ). Besides my wife, my therapist, we really have only two who thankfully are another couple that my wife also likes. We met serendipitously. I met him at a fiction writing class over ten years ago. Wasn't looking for friends, just interested in writing. (And having one heck of a time not focusing on things-transgender, but that's another story.) If I may, I think that finding friends is like finding lovers and partners. When we are on looking, on the prowl, it's rare that we find someone, or at least someone that really matters to us. Mostly it happens when it's the last thing on our minds. Like grocery shopping, or a book reading, or a Sierra Club event (not sure if you have such a thing where you are). So my advice is this: find something out of your home that intrigues you, even a little, and go do it. Just go see if you like it and the people. If you don't, that's cool, at least you know. And then go find another one until you find yourself enjoying the company of the others, irrespective of their gender, sex, or orientation. Who knows, you might find new friends and more. At the least you'll be outside not hanging out with FB friends, and connecting with others. But like Chrissy and Veronica said, we're always here for you too. Warm hugs, Emma

Jay, I wonder why you wrote this. What was the context? Is someone suggesting that you see a therapist? Or, as you contemplate more steps along your journey you know that your medical establishment will insist on it for some sort of approval? Anyway, as you say, to each his own! If you don't feel the need, don't go, because unless you have a need driven by some inner concern or turmoil, what would you even talk about? But I will say that it's doubtful that they would ask "insensitive questions" should you go. In my experience (with so many over, my goodness, thirty years off and on) they typically just ask what is going on for me, and only ask questions for clarification. That said, I have found good ones and better ones. Some I connect to better than others. We are all people and there needs to be a chemistry of trust, respect (mutual), and faith that he/she has the wherewithal to help. Unfortunately that can take a while to determine, so it is an investment of time and money. I was also surprised to learn at least for me that therapy isn't like debugging a program or typo: identify the problem, determine the fix, and voila! All done and repaired. Nope, doesn't work that way. It's much more subtle and gradual. Maybe that is just my experience. I carried such a heavy load of shame and guilt over my TG feelings, and depression. The lifting of that load wasn't even obvious to me while it was happening. And then I started to wonder, is it happening? I'm feeling a little better, maybe this is a result? Indeed, after more time and sessions with my therapist, I can say that it has. Please know that I am most definitely not advising you to see one. I just wanted to share my experience in the hopes that, should you ever feel the need, this might help you. Hugs, Emma

HI Jay, It doesn't sound to me like you've lost your muse as much as you've gotten stuck in getting started, into the flow of writing. It's hard to fill up that blank screen. I found what often works for me is to turn away from the computer and use paper and pen. That was surprising for me because it's much slower. But, it's like my psyche knows it's okay if I make a mistake. I just cross it out and keep writing. And soon, the flow just begins and I can choose to stay on the paper or return to the computer. Give that a try! Emma