Emma

Dear friends, Thank you for your thoughts and support. Really, you help me a lot. Together, we help each other. We're perfect the way we are or the way we're becoming. Karen, you're a beacon. You're truly remarkable the way you've navigated to your truth. Veronica, you're a North Star. I love hearing how you're coming into your own. I don't really know which direction I'm headed. Onward, and a lot better than I was before I joined TGG about a year and a half ago. Keep peeling back the onion. No idea how many more layers I'll find. Tonight I'm feeling like I may be nearing the center. Love, Emma

From what I've read the Nature vs. Nurture question remains open, except perhaps for those who always knew. Throughout my investigation into the roots of my transgender nature I wanted the result to be that I was just born that way. Then I could easily say to my wife, the world and myself, "I am what I am, those were the cards I was dealt." And then they could take me or leave me, and if they left I'd at least know that because it was in my genes it just is what it is and move on. In case you're wondering, I still haven't figured it out. Recently my therapist suggested I read Living Like You Mean It: Use the Wisdom and Power of Your Emotions to Get the Life You Really Want. It essentially goes like this: Babies are born with emotions that are like little flames that need to be nurtured. If they are not, the babies learn to suppress those feelings so as to get along in life. For example, the baby feels anger, expresses it, is then rejected or isolated, and the baby then turns it on herself, as if to say (to herself) "I must be bad if I have emotions, therefore I have to suppress my emotions." But this results in sadness.This behavior may result in behavioral patterns (e.g., depression, flat-line emotional control, dissatisfaction) of adults who don't really know how to feel. Because when they do they defensive feelings emerge to counteract the genuine feelings which perpetuates the cycle. Upon finishing this book last weekend I got terribly depressed. It was as if the rug of "I was born this way" was ripped out from under my feet. You see, the book thoroughly describes my home environment. Without getting into too much history my mother was terribly depressed herself, hospitalized a couple of times, electroshock therapy, and when I was 24, committed suicide. Throughout my childhood I was alone when at home even if my mother or father was there. My mother might have been at home, often in bed or otherwise disconnected, and my father was at work, nights and weekends, on various space flight programs. Without getting into details, I was well and truly taught to be seen and not heard. When I met with my therapist last Thursday I recalled for him that I'd always admired girls, their unfettered expression of emotion: joy, love, sadness. And after reading this book I wondered: perhaps my transgender nature results more from my envy of girls' "allowed" to express emotion where, as a boy in my family, I was not? This morning I happened across this: I Am A Girl! - Ik ben een meisje! on YouTube. I'd seen it before but it really touched a nerve. She is so pretty, happy and, at 13, so grounded! I think you'll love seeing her. Clearly, she is transgender by nature. So now I wonder: Nature: was I born like Joppe in the video, but my natural needs and desires were suppressed into smithereens by my family environment?Nurture: If the former isn't correct then maybe I have an envy that arose from my upbringing, a desperate need to express and be myself which I saw as only available to females?Or maybe it's a combination of the two? Why does it matter? I guess I just really want to figure myself out. As if, like my wife, I was adopted and just want to know the truth of my background. I have fragmentary memories of early childhood that support either or both theories. No one to ask, since my father also died about ten years ago and I don't have siblings. Hmm, maybe I should return to my therapist's advice and just Stop Thinking! Just accept myself, follow my feelings. I am trying. But on Saturday mornings when I'm not consumed by career it's hard to ignore these thoughts. Oh I remember now what he'd say: "Get mindful, take a step back and consider your thinking from afar. What would you say to yourself as a child, if you could, today?" I think I'd say this: "IT'S OKAY TO BE YOU!"

Nicely said, Alexandru! We are what we are, and we're all beautiful and handsome for it. We all deserve the respect and courtesies that we earn through our behavior, actions, the respect and care we provide to others. It's not a zero-sum game: one plus one can equal more than two.

Me too. We had to say good bye to a wonderful cat about six months ago. I still get choked up when I think of her. She was a good friend, UNLIKE the other one we have which only gives attention to my wife... I think cats are mystical and wonderful. I'm sorry, Bree, that you and Nicki are having to face this now. It is very hard. Emma

My wife and I try to follow a rule (but it's not firm) that we need to tell the other explicitly what we want, whether it's for dinner, a movie, whatever. We can't trust that we can read each other's mind and if we don't express our wants then that isn't the others issue. So if try to guess and give Nikki what you think he wants and that misses the mark its unfair of him to get angry or upset with you. Like most of us he is probably afraid of how you will respond to his wants. We feel vulnerable when we express our wishes. I think you are sensitive to that and it might help if you reassure him that it's safe to be open with you. But then you must be careful that your tone, words, and body language support this. Likewise, of course, you deserve all of this in return.

HI Bree, Nice post and, I assume, you're feeling better? Hope so. On the "problem" vs. "lifestyle" word choice I'm not a fan of either. I agree "problem" is not accurate. But "lifestyle" implies choice. Like sexuality, ones gender or feelings about their true gender, is not a choice. But maybe you mean that the expression of gender is a choice. I guess I could not argue with that, especially for trans men whom I think we would all agree have lots of choice. But for trans women? Much less, especially in public. I may have minced words here but that's my nature. As far as your sexuality goes, and your experiences, I think we all have histories that we wish we had handled better. Time to give yourself forgiveness. Look forward, not back. We can't undo the past! Yeah, once again, Emma states the obvious!

​Yes, I'm making gradual progress, thank goodness. A big part of my progress is thanks to my wife's acceptance. Together our marriage is also gaining strength which is delightful. As to your query, well, I don't really know. I'm hoping (and I'm sure my wife is too) that what I have now is satisfactory. I think it is. There are times when I wish quite seriously that I could go out and just be Emma all the time. But at those times I also consider that that wish is coming from a wish that I had been born female and since that's obviously not going to happen I'm not convinced that transition would solve as much as I would like while I am sure it would dramatically affect my life with my wife. So for now I'm taking it a day at a time. There is more for my wife and I to work out. She doesn't know that I have this other name for myself (Emma) and has not seen me dressed in more than my nightgown. Eventually I would love it if we can be comfortable together at home, regardless of my presentation. But that is a lot to ask and it cannot be rushed. She's come so far in the last year and we are both gradually adding confidence in ourselves and each other. And I do still have my bad days and I'm sure there will be more. Just not today and I'm grateful for that. Thank you for your thoughtful note. It helps me so much to have my friends here. Hugs, Emma

Last Thursday as I was planning my day I knew that that evening I had an appointment with my therapist. I made plans to drop by an Amazon locker to pick up a new top and told some people that I was nervously thinking of putting it on in his restroom and surprising him in our meeting. At lunch I read some encouragement from Veronica, Bree, and I think others, which just felt wonderful. After, as I walked to get a cup of coffee I suddenly realized I was smiling. I felt so wonderful to contemplate that evening and to receive everyone's encouragement. Thank you! Now as it turned out I hit traffic on the way there and was kind of in a rush. I dashed into the restroom, tried it on, and felt that it was too small - I should have ordered the larger size. But I tried it on today and it is maybe a little small but I think it's okay. I took my photo wearing it along with the leggings I bought last weekend. It feels really good to be wearing it now as I write this. (BTW: I bought those tulips in the photo for my wife to surprise her for Valentine's. Score!) At my therapist appointment we had a nice conversation but I complained that although I'm feeling better these days I still find myself questioning my being transgender. It's as if a part of my brain is stubbornly refusing to let go and I keep on running through a rather long list of history and experiences that make it so obvious that I am trans. His advice? Stop thinking, and appreciate the fact that Emma is a huge and lovely part of me. Learn to love her and live by following my feelings more than my thoughts. I think that is good advice and I'm really working on it. I'm also reading a book called "Who's Really From Venus?" by Peggy Rudd and really liking it. It's basically a book about how to live with yourself as well as a partner when you are transgender. She has a lot of experience with this, as her spouse is trans. I am about halfway through it now and am at a place where she talks about how to cope with yourself. Here's what she provides as coping skills: Learn to deal with problems successfully.Define the problem and seek solutions, possibly with the help or input from others.Handle or dissipate the fears and hurts of life in a constructive manner.Recognize yourself as unique.Realize your potential for true inner strength.Develop the ability to move forward in spite of the lack of acceptance.Keep learning from all experiences, both positive and negative.I think that is terrific advice and the third one is probably the toughest for me. She also writes: Even if it takes years to find a comfort zone with your own identity, you must keep searching. Acceptance from others will follow. At some time we may need to have the forgiveness of others, but of greater importance is the forgiveness we owe ourselves. Love is not about keeping old wounds open. Love is about healing wounds. It is about moving forward and learning from past mistakes. It is about getting on with life. We do owe ourselves forgiveness and space to be ourselves. We are all wonderful and loving people who just want to be... ourselves. As an aside in case you read her book there is one thing I have a concern with. She writes everything about "crossdressers" instead of "transgender people." I think that is an important point since I really don't see myself as being all about the clothing whatsoever. It's much deeper than that. Maybe she, given that she is cisgender, doesn't discern the difference or the sensitivity to that word. (Or maybe I'm making too much of a deal out it.) Anyway, I love the book regardless. Be well, and with warm hugs, Emma

Bree, I love NyQuil, at least when I have a cold! Such a wonderful way to drift off into lala land... What a treat when one feels so crappy. I'm delighted to hear that you and Nikki are doing so well. You are so right that Nikki's revelations and discoveries are affecting you as much or more than for him. You deserve and want warm hugs too. I think you're both right now in kind of a whirlwind. For Nikki it's such a tremendous relief to be accepted and not rejected. For you, maybe kind of the same although also on edge about what is right both for him and for you. I think what you will find is that over time you will both settle back into some more comfortable patterns. Maybe a bit different than before but comfortable nonetheless. So hold on tight to each other while also trusting that you'll be fine. I have a good feeling about you two. Warm hugs and NyQuil, Emma

"Low blood pressure medication" because you're both a minority? "Camel status has been revoked"?

Dear Bree, Your post is triggering some guilt in me. I'm not confident that my advice or feedback is correct, so please let me know how it sits with you. First, the rule that if she buys something for herself that she must buy something she wants to see you in. Well, I am not happy with rules like that, especially when it comes to gifts. And when you also throw sex into the equation, I am afraid this rule adds baggage that may hurt more than it helps. My suggestion: withdraw the rule and just say "hey, if you see something pretty for me, I love surprises!" Then it's fun for both of you instead of a duty. Second, you wrote "... feeling more appealing to him." I don't know where that is coming from but it's sad to hear. Clearly you feel the need. I wonder if it would help more if you focus on feeling more appealing to yourself than to him. For when we feel good about ourselves we are all more attractive, no? Also, we cannot control others and here again, sexual attraction is very delicate. I worry that you add a load to your shoulders by thinking you need to be "more anything." Hugs, Emma P.S. Pronouns in the TG world are kind of touchy and challenging. The suggested protocol is to ask the trans person what they prefer. Has Nikki told you? It's just that I assume that with a pretty name like that she would prefer feminine pronouns. Perhaps she doesn't care or want it and I don't mind then of course.

I sure understand, just want to be happy. Love Bree, love yourself. Try to focus on the moment and forget the past or worry about the future. All that matters is now. And now. And... now. Emma

I agree completely with Steff. I don't have time right now to write much. I agree with your idea to print out your post and share it with Nikki. What better way to break the ice on such an important conversation? The important thing is to concentrate on your feelings, not so much on what you think Nikki should or should not do. Let her realize the depth of your feelings and see if you can both think of ways to adapt and cope. Hugs, Emma

Jeez, Karen, you also can't sleep? Anyway, I also absolutely love your photo. You look delightful: very pretty and feminine.

I think it's utterly delightful that you're finding things you like. Go ahead and order them, girl! Enjoy yourself! I'd be willing to bet that Nikki'd be delighted too to see you having some fun.

Very pretty nails, Karen! I love how they look and I'll bet you feel marvelous when you notice them.

Last Thursday I saw my therapist. I was pretty distraught, with a shaming weight crushing my chest because I so often feel so anxious for approval, affirmation, and when it's delayed or I don't receive it, I go to my dark place where I'd just as soon fold up my tent. It's a cycle that's been with me forever and I'm very ashamed by it. Sure, maybe that seems silly to you dear reader, but I get so defensive and I feel so needy. It feels like feelings I simply should not have and since I do so intensely I'm ashamed. After all in my professional life people don't act like that, do they? No way, Jose. It's like I'm often on edge, hyper-aware of how people feel about me and I worry that that comes across too. Goodness, what a mess. Toward the end of the meeting he said something like, "Well, be sure to listen to Emma. She's a huge part of you and she has a perspective that may help you." I took that to heart and spent the last couple of days wondering what Emma would say. And I felt like such a fraud! I'm always ready with some sort of encouragement or thoughts but when it comes to me they all sound so inane and useless. Sure, I hope it does help those I send messages to, I really do. But when I'm sending them to myself? I can't even think of what Emma might say that would be useful. I kept thinking that I'd put up a blog post with something like, "What should Emma say to herself?" But that sounded so wimpy. So I took a bike ride today. It was almost 80 degrees here (can you believe it?) and I went out for a couple of hours, but beforehand decided I would think about this further. I must say that riding the bike is a great place to just think. Yeah sure, while peddling like a madwoman. I don't remember what prompted this but it occurred to me that I'm always wanting the fast answer. I want the problem to be diagnosed, implement the solution, and have it done and behind me. I recalled that last couple of years since coming out to myself and then my wife. Jeez, a couple of years? Yeah, but that's not so bad. Better to have taken a couple of years and be where I am than not, right? So it dawned on me: "Come on, honey, give yourself some time." <big sigh> And she's right, I think. We've all heard that life's a journey and all that but I think it really is. There is some truth to that. Go have a cup of tea, put your feet up, enjoy your new top. (It did finally arrive today and it is pretty cute with the leggings I found yesterday at Costco.) So that's my game plan for this week. I'm trying to slow down. Way down. Be patient. Good things come to those who wait. We'll see, my friends. (You do still like me, right? I am still loving your affirmations. ) Have a nice week, Emma

​That's about the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. Thank you very very much. Emma

Hi Bree, I think you and Nikki are touching on some very important considerations, such as, when you're imagining yourself as a woman what does that mean? On another blog (outside TGG) I recently read a trans woman's saying that we can never really know what it feels to be a woman. Sure, I agree with that. But it's just like I can never really know what is going on in anyone's mind, feelings, psyche. It's like if I look at a red dress and you look at it too, we both call it "red" but do we see the same color? We will never know. I can't speak for Nikki of course, but I imagine that she's like all of us: we just want to be comfortable in our own skin. And if that means wearing feminine clothing and breast forms while going about our chores that's fine. Or at least it should be. Like so many things that easy to say. And maybe with acceptance and experience she will know more at the core of her being what this all means to her. About your sexuality, wow, I'm the same way as Nikki. I very much prefer and need to be the submissive partner. Active, yes, but not the aggressor. And that causes problems for my wife and me as she really wants the tables to be turned. That's a tough one to work out, I know all too well. I think it's terrific that you're both talking. That's the most important thing. Keep talking, keep sharing, and keep enjoying each other. Hugs, Emma

Dear Karen and Bree, Thank you so much. Indeed, I love it, it's perfect at least when it is chilly! But for Spring? I think it is getting time to pack it away and make room for other pretty things. Hugs, Emma

Hi Bree, This post brought up so much for me, I don't know where to start. At times I had trouble following the "M", "L" Nd so forth, I know why you did it, and I hope I get this right. Basically I just think it's so terrific that you have friends you can share with, who are interested in you and Nikki, and love you both. It doesn't get much better than that. Hugs, Emma

Wow, Jay, I certainly know share the burying myself in stuff (work, books, bicycling, anything) to get away from it all, distract myself. It's like running and running, and it gets exhausting, doesn't it? But I do get stuff done. I think you're to be admired and thanked for your writing for your company's LGBT website. It's folks like you who gradually bring us all out that much further into the open, out of the darkness. I also share what you say about writer's block. Some years back I tried my hand at writing fiction. Took classes which I enjoyed and did well at, or at least well enough to get A's although that doesn't mean much in the real world, does it? But when I tried to start something independent I simply could not avoid my thoughts and dreams about being part of the community of women... And this was long before I came out to my wife, my therapist, or pretty much even myself. Goodness, that was tough. I agree with you that, regardless, keep writing. It'll break through. These days I work back in marketing at a technology company, I still have to write, but marketing collateral and things like that. I've found that when I stare at the screen I often get blocked. It's as if by using the keyboard whatever I write must be perfect, spelling, grammar, and thought. To break through that I try to write it on paper. Then it's as if I have license to screw up, cross out, move things around, and just allow my stream of consciousness to break free. You might try that! Hugs, Emma

Bree, I completely agree with Veronica. I know it's hard and easier said than done but we have to try to leave the past behind. I think it's fair to say that we've all done things that we are ashamed of, I certainly have. Here's a couple of things to try: 1. Say the Serenity Prayer. I'm not religious, but it's a wonderful philosophy. We cannot change the past so we try to accept this and change the things that we can; 2. Brene Brown has written several books on shame, she's wonderful. One of her main points is that shame loves and thrives in the darkness but whithers in the light of openness. We try to protect ourselves by not admitting and sharing those things we did but that only adds to the shame. Talk about it, share your story, maybe only with Nikki, maybe with a therapist, but get it out. It's not perfect (nothing is) but it's sure helped me. Warm hugs, Emma

Hi Veronica, I agree with you that those who transition may just as well want to move on. But hey, what do I know? Only thing I know is that I don't want to move on. I'm missing my wife tonight. Without her I'd be lost, I'm pretty sure of that. She and I have a saying "together forever" and that's two words I live by! Emma

Yeah, that secret shame hurts so deeply, to the core. Good for you Bree that you recognize this for Nikki. She needs you so much right now, I feel. You know I support you, too. It's just that that secret shame rings so true for me I had to comment about it. It sucks, so much. From personal experience, trust me, it does. She will love you all the more for your unequivocal love right now. Emma