Emma

Dear Michele, So good to hear from you! I love your updates, on dating, your hair, and especially, your promotion. I think your promotion to sergeant is so important for you as well as for your colleagues and the public, to see a transgender woman as a professional and viable member of society. It's people like you who are paving the way to everyone else, especially those who are much younger. But really, I'm also so happy to hear about your fun on the dating scene. A year younger? So what! My wife is 7 years older than me... Really, age is not that big a deal. Now 17 years difference is a lot, at least in my book. :-) Best wishes, Emma

Dear Jay, I hope you don't feel embarrassed but I understand where you're coming from. Nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. Just the opposite, in fact, that now because you were brave enough to accept and live with your T being late, that you may have learned something important for you. My sense also is that the RLE is important. Incredibly hard, too, like living in purgatory while also needing to keep a stiff upper lip to society. But maybe it does help encourage patience - which is not a bad thing. And a deeper level of understanding and acceptance, which is a glorious thing. Anyway it's great to hear from you, and I hope you'll keep posting and letting us know how you're doing. Emma

Good point, Karen. You are underscoring the need that not only does one need a good gender therapist to help with their consideration, decisions, and plans, they also need to come into that process with openness and honesty. Easier said than done.

Hi Dawn, Thank you for such a sweet insight into your life and early years. I think you're very wise and treasured for being the whole person that you are regardless of the label. I suppose that's what we all want, isn't it? To simply be ourselves. You've always shown that you are delighted in your own skin in your posts and photos. Great for you! Best wishes, Emma

No, all dressed up and no party to go to! Really, I haven't dressed up for Halloween in more than thirty years. Our friends don't gather for Halloween except to have fun with children.

Hi Kitrah, Indeed, that's a pretty dress, and if I was your age or younger and single, it would be fun to wear. I'm happily married and sixty (but not too old looking! 😄) so I tend to want a little more conservative look. Emma

Hi Kitrah, Thank you for your feedback. You make a lot of good points and I agree with you on the litmus (or any objective) test for what it means to think as a female. I just walked for a couple of hours to/from a coffee shop and thought about this a lot. It is fair to say that in my life I've spent a lot of energy considering "what I'm supposed to be/act" as a male in my career, friendships, and socially. I felt like a chameleon. But it often felt forced, insincere. Especially over the last couple of years I've made a conscious decision to just be me without so much filtering and supervision. And overall that's felt good. And in that and in consideration of my historical thinking and behavior I'd say it's a fair bet that I do in fact think in a more feminine way. As I consider men and women that I'm around it is apparent to me that there is a lot of overlap. Not outwardly so much but in thinking and behaviors. When I think about myself as female I think I would be at the more feminine end of the spectrum which is at least partly why I chose my last name to be Sweet. That's what I'd like to be. Earlier today I ordered this dress on Amazon: Urban CoCo Women long sleeve V-neck Velvet Stretchy Long Dress. As I considered it I thought about what I would wear with it, a slip, stockings, shoes. But mostly how it would feel. I realized that I can well imagine how a woman would contemplate the dress and I think that underscores what you're saying too. Emma

My wife recently asked me if I feel that I am female "inside." If I am transgender, then doesn't that mean that I consider myself fundamentally female? It turns out that those are questions I've asked myself and I am not confident I have the answers to. After all, how can I ever know if you and I see the same color let alone if my thoughts and feelings are female? To try to answer these questions I try to look at the facts that I do know and then draw a conclusion: I know that since preschool I've envied girls and women. This has been a constant throughout my life, often considering what it would feel like (and wishing I could feel it) to be one. I thus feel it's certain that I have gender dysphoria. My childhood was shadowed by a clinically depressed mother and an absent father; their relationship was pretty emotionless. I was an only child, and was often navigating rocky shoals at home, trying to please my mother or just remain out of her focus. Some have written that a single mother's attention might encourage some to "become transgender." Well I'll tell you, there are some parallels but we did not have much of a relationship at all let alone one that would encourage me to look at her as a role model.Even in preschool I had shame about my envies of girls. In kindergarten when I played with the girls at their play-kitchenettes I was sure that this was shameful. My shame around my GD was a constant that developed into depression for me. Some ideas: 1. My shame/depression may have resulted from my mother's treatment of me expressing my gender dysphoria. This might explain why I automatically felt shame even in preschool and kindergarten. 2. My shame/depression may have resulted from my mother's attitude, disposition, depression, and treatment of me (in general). Why not? 3. My gender dysphoria may thus have arisen from my childish observations that girls had it better. My home life was pretty awkward at best so it seems natural that I would wish I had it better. I sure liked some of my friend's mothers. It was like I instinctively knew what I was missing. My gut tells me that the answer is #1, so that's what I'm going with. Okay, but am I female in my head? In an email to my therapist a couple of months ago I told him that overall I always just wanted to be small and treasured. When I wrote it I felt a shiver like, "yeah!" He noticed it too, telling me that it was an important observation. Small and treasured does dovetail with what I imagine I'd be if I was a girl. I'm sure women outgrow most of it but I imagine it's always there, like a foundational right of being female. But I still lack an answer: am I female at heart? I struggle to know. I'm not that unhappy with my life as a sensitive, thoughtful, and fun male. It's just that something feels missing. In Dara Hoffman-Fox's book "You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery" she writes that these kinds of self-doubts are very common. It's as if we have an internal Protector who is fed off those "am I crazy?" doubts that creep into our consciousness and are so hard to silent. We need to acknowledge and thank our Protector for her attention but consider her advise carefully as it is often presented in ways that prevent us from moving forward. Yesterday I wrote another email to my therapist. (Thank goodness he supports this. It's so important for me to have these touchstones with him in between our meetings.) As a child did I want to be small and treasured, and not receiving it, envied girls and thus wanted to feel like one? - or - Did I want to be a girl, and thus be small and treasured? I think it's the latter but it's hard to be sure and seemingly impossible to know. What I do see is that 'small and treasured' is a common denominator for me to this day. If that supports me as being female inside then so be it. In the meantime I'm satisfied in the knowledge that I have gender dysphoria, that's it's perfectly okay and normal, and that I'm making my own progress in my own time. Emma P.S. I just looked at my profile and see that I joined TGGuide on 10/27/14. It's less than a week from my 2-Year Anniversary! Maybe I should use Birthday instead? It feels like it. I've grown so much over that period with so much support and guidance from our members here. As the Grateful Dead sung, "What a long strange trip it's been." Thank you all.

Oh, dear Michael, my friend, You touch my heart. My heart aches with you. It's a long and winding road we travel. But with friends like you the journey is a blessing. Warm hugs, Emma

This morning I came across this wonderful post on Joanna Santos' blog: https://joannabefree.blogspot.com/2016/10/my-own-coming-out.html I know we don't typically reference sites off of TGG but I feel this is important. There, she posts a video that really resonated with me, that labels such as gay, male, white, transgender, etc., may set us up for "us vs. them" feelings, thus leading to isolation and our considering ourselves only within that label, which is only a part of our overall self. I've recently been thinking, okay I am transgender but that is not all that I am. But it kind of felt that way. Worse, I fear my wife feels this way, too. It's as if my being trans is the only thing now. And neither of us want that. In the video the person (can't recall his name) makes the point that if we say "I have gender dysphoria" that we can more naturally consider things like:1. How will I accept, manage, and live with my gender dysphoria?2. What does gender dysphoria mean for me in the context of my total life?I think that is healthy to consider. I recently came out to a couple of our friends as transgender. They were okay with it at least to my face but now I think I may return to them and refine myself as "I'm me, with gender dysphoria." I mean, who cares what the label is? I'm simply working on ways to manage my dysphoria (which is undeniable) and be happy as a total person, with my wife, friends, and doing whatever it is that we do.

I agree that labels, in and of themselves, are not the enemy, and that the way they may be used is. I use labels to sort out my thoughts, ideas, and concepts. For me the "transgender" label helps because its definition includes that my having a inner gender that is different than my birth sex is innate. I do wrestle with sub-labels within the transgender umbrella. For example I've wondered if I should label myself bigender since, like bisexual people, I go back and forth. For now I'm sticking with transgender especially for cisgender people who for the most part do not even have a good grasp of that label.

I'm so happy to hear this from you! Indeed, that's the kind of confidence builder we all need. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to come out... I applaud you for that, too. Isn't it wonderful to finally start feeling good in your own skin? Bravo! Emma

Whoo hoodoo! Congratulations Michele!

Do you believe in serendipity? Today I experienced it, at one of those small kiosks where people put books they no longer want for others to peruse, pick up, and donate. I had passed this one a couple of times before, and noticing that its little door was open (and thinking that I'd at least close it to protect the books, took a look inside. And what did I find? "The Well of Loneliness"! A paperback edition, printed in 1951, and priced at $0.35. But there's more. It was originally copyrighted in 1928 with a Commentary (which I assume we'd call a Forward) at the front of the book by Havelock Ellis: "I HAVE read The Well of Loneliness with great interest because - apart from its fine qualities as a novel by a writer of accomplished art - it possesses a notable psychological and sociological significance. So far as I know, it is the first English novel which presents, in a completely faithful and uncompromising form, one particular aspect of sexual life as it exists among us to-day. The relation of certain people - who, while different from their fellow human beings, are sometimes of the highest character and the finest aptitudes - to the often hostile society in which they move, presents difficult and still unsolved problems. The poignant situations which thus arise are here set forth so vividly, and yet with such complete absence of offense, that we must place Radclyffe Hall's book on a high level of distinction." So, almost 100 years ago here is not only a novel that explores transgender lives it also provides a glimpse into the concerns they faced then which are likely reduced but the same that we face today. Who the heck is (was) Havelock Ellis? According to Wikipedia: "Henry Havelock Ellis, known as Havelock Ellis (2 February 1859 – 8 July 1939), was an English physician, writer, progressive intellectual and social reformer who studied human sexuality. He was co-author of the first medical textbook in English on homosexuality in 1897, and also published works on a variety of sexual practices and inclinations, as well as transgender psychology. He is credited with introducing the notions of narcissism and autoeroticism, later adopted by psychoanalysis. He served as president of the Galton Institute and, like many intellectuals of his era, supported eugenics." Very very interesting, and clearly a groundbreaker. That said, though, his support of eugenics (which is the idea that, by preventing births of people with certain traits or "faults" would generally raise the quality of the population is notable. However as I read up on it (thank goodness for Wikipedia) I found that he (and others such as H.G. Wells) abandoned eugenics when it seems that sterilization (probably forced) was becoming popular among its supporters.

I love it, Bree! I think it's terrific that you have this giant plush turtle and that it makes you feel good. That's all that matters my friend, that we have our plushies, our loved ones, a warm and cozy existence, and maybe some chocolate and brandy on the side table. And for me, a wonderful book or movie or both that I can escape into. It doesn't get much better than that.

I agree with you Christie, very very much. I wish Hillary the best but I fear that she is going to be so challenged on so many fronts. I wouldn't ever want to wear her shoes. But I think she's very wise and recognizes the winds of change as well as the real and valid rights of people like us. I think she's a good person and will carry on well from Obama, at least if she is elected. My biggest fear is like Brexit, there are too many people who assume that "no way could we elect Trump" that they will not get out the vote and then find ourselves with a real monster and tragedy as president. We must all vote with our hearts, no excuses.

Hi Bree, You got it exactly. I cherish those moments, and on Thursday evening that was exactly what I felt, cozy and comfortable. I've always been like that, loving curling up and tucking in. My mother told me that I loved the satin edging on my baby blanket so much that I simply wore it out. I don't judge your turtle plush whatsoever. But I have no idea what it is! I am giggling to myself at the moment, thinking of a plush green blanket shaped like a turtle, or a stuffed turtle that you can hug and curl up with. Getting cozy is a reason I love it when the weather gets chilly. Especially when the wind picks up (not too much) and the bushes and trees are swaying, cold air blowing through the windows. It's wonderful to wear a warmer nightgown and add a comforter to the bed. Emma

As I often do on Sunday mornings over coffee I read The New York Times and this morning was no different. I ran out of things that interested me so did a search on "transgender" and found the following article about Barry Winchell's murder while in the US Army, who was in a serious relationship with Calpernia Addams, a transexual woman. I came close to crying in the neighborhood coffee shop as I was so taken by the depth of feelings that came up: An Inconvenient Woman I then checked Huffington Post's TRANSGENDER page which often has interesting articles and, thankfully, found one that was so delightful, about an 11 year old gay boy's first day at middle school, how he met and befriended an 11 year old transgender girl, and his wonderful mother: When My Son Met Another Out LGBTQ Kid On The First Day Of Middle School Okay, great, feeling better! At least until I read another one on Huff Post: Surviving The Waves Of History: Bathroom Bills Can Be Deadly which is about a transman's suicide over the weight that he could bear no longer from those who deny transgender people's validity and rights. He just missed Attorney General Loretta Lynch's speech where she said: "Let me also speak directly to the transgender community itself. Some of you have lived freely for decades. Others of you are still wondering how you can possibly live the lives you were born to lead. But no matter how isolated or scared you may feel today, the Department of Justice and the entire Obama Administration wants you to know that we see you; we stand with you; and we will do everything we can to protect you going forward. Please know that history is on your side. This country was founded on a promise of equal rights for all, and we have always managed to move closer to that promise, little by little, one day at a time. It may not be easy — but we’ll get there together.” We will, my friends, get there together. What a Sunday morning it's been. Here's wishing you a beautiful day. Go hug someone. Emma

Hello Bree! It's great to hear from you. I've wondered how you and Nikki are doing. I am glad that you're enjoying the summer. Actually here in California it's cooling slightly as if fall is in the air. I find that delightful! Hugs, Emma

Hi Chantel, thank you for your kind support. I think I miscommunicated in my post or otherwise made you think that wearing a nightgown to bed is unusual for me. I do it often, actually, but less so in the summer when it's so warm. And I have quite a wardrobe of feminine clothing that, here again, I wear at home when the mood strikes me which is more often when it's more chilly. I do sometimes wear women's underwear when I go out but I've otherwise not gone out dressed. For some reason it's not a priority for me. Sure, I'd like to, but then again I'd want to present completely and as well as I could and that seems like it would add so much work to it! I think it's terrific that you are comfortable going out as you describe. I think it's people like you, Steph, and others here who go out and about freely presenting however you would like that put real human selves in front of the cisgender population, letting them see for themselves that there's nothing at all to worry or concern themselves about. Emma

All right, congratulations!!!

Hi Steph and Chantel, Thank you for your kind thoughts. I know you're offering sincere support. Last night, like tonight (!) I was just feeling good in my nightgown and was inspired to share those feelings. It's wondrous and delightful that such a little thing can make me feel so good at times. It's such fun, too, to share that joy with friends like you. I'm so grateful that I came across TG Guide and that we have our community. XXXOOOXXX Emma

About lying in bed, in my long white nightgown, reading, with my legs tucked under the skirt. It's like being at peace with the world, comfortable and cozy, and right. It just feels right. And that's what they say transgender is. What feels right, what does it for you. It's terribly hard at times to really put ones finger on it and like the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, as soon as you try, it moves, as if it can't be objectively pinned down. Isn't it weird that something as simple as this could seem so right? I mean, why the big deal? Why does it mean anything at all? It's not erotic or a turn-on. Maybe I'm past that point. But maybe it's also a feeling of how it should have been so many years ago when I should have been a little girl. But I'll never be a little girl nor a big adult girl either. Maybe I don't have to be so long as it's okay for me from time to time to snuggle in my white nightgown, reading a book, cozy. Right now it feels very good, very right.

Thanks to you Veronica, Chantel, Chrissy, everyone, for your support and encouragement. Yes, it was a milestone but it wasn't so long ago that I was feeling so amazed that I could ride 10 miles across the Dumbarton Bridge and back. I still feel like a whimp that I'm not out more as Emma, at least in public. But that's cool. I love you all, really. XXOOXX, Emma

Yeah! Congratulations!!!