Emma

"I do enjoy good company, but it's hard to fine people with interests similar to mine, or maybe interesting people period." I well understand. I like a line in the Holstee Manifesto, which hangs on my wall: "If you are looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love." I'm a very fortunate beneficiary of this thinking. I never met a romantic partner when I was looking. It was always when I least expected it. And recently I've actually made a couple of wonderful new friends - a complete surprise. I'm so grateful. Go out and so stuff, whatever you like to do. And be open, fun, and sweet. Honey attracts bees!

I think Joy is a very nice name. I chose it as my middle name because of a young woman who I worked with at an Italian restaurant when I was in HS (long ago in a galaxy far away). She said, "I'm Barbara Joy to the world!" I loved her upbeat personality. I seem to recall that I published a blog post about my choice of first name. It's no big deal but might be interesting. Indeed, Deedee is a common woman's name. It's friendly, recognizable, and certainly feminine. Maybe Deedee Joy?

Hi to both of you, Communication is everything, especially now as Deedee is going through her transition as is L and the entire family. And going on the road besides, without knowing where you're going to relocate to? Wow, that's a lot. On April 17 of this year I also took off on the road, in a small Winebago RV, heading north from the Bay Area toward Alaska. I left behind my wife of >20 years, our house, and my friends. I also didn't know where I'd end up. I saw myself possibly crisscrossing the US for a couple of years. As it turned out I reconnected with two lesbian friends (who're married to each other) in Seattle, and that, combined with my decision that I must live in a place that is not only trans-tolerant but trans-welcoming, that's where I settled. I have plenty of stresses but also have a wonderful support network of my original friends, new ones, and professionals. I never knew how important such a support network is. But this isn't about me. I'm only writing about it to provide some context. L is remarkable that she's weathering this storm as well as she is. Name calling isn't okay - ever - from either of you. We all get angry and emotional; at times and that's just being human. My previous therapist advised that anger is a way of signaling "STOP" to the other. Maybe keep that in mind for the next time, that you both need to cool off a little. My wife and I were advised by therapists over the years that communication is so important. Unfortunately this is something that my wife just doesn't handle well. We both tried, and to this day we love each other so much still, but we were unable to stay together. I suggest a book to bring with you on your trip: "Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar" by Cheryl Strayed. Perhaps when you need to, read one of the stories aloud to the other, and talk about the feelings this brings up for you. I love Cheryl Strayed and her book helped my wife and I as we tried to bridge our communication gap. Put the kids to bed, snuggle up with hot chocolate, and love each other.

I thought your name was DeeDee. Am I incorrect? My middle name is actually Joy! About starting HRT: I am going to assume that your doctor is going to do what mine did, and that is to start you on a low dose for a couple of months. You'll then have a blood test to see where your estrogen and testosterone levels are, which is a baseline reading they use to determine what dose to go to next. For me I did experience a little euphoria with the start of HRT (I started just under two months ago) but nothing like teenage emotions or puberty. All changes are minimal at best. About your wife: the order of the day is patience with her. This change of yours is huge for her. It's big for you too of course but you've been living in your mind and body with your feelings for so long. It may be best for her peace of mind (and your marriage) to start the HRT after vacation. What's another month? Emma

Hi DeeDee, Glad you found us! It is exciting to finally acknowledge and become our authentic selves, isn’t it? We are blessed to be living in this day and age when the tide is finally shifting toward tolerance, acceptance, and dare I say welcome of transgender people. You look terrific in your photos! Emma

Hello and welcome, Your partner is so very fortunate to have you as theirs. So many spouses cannot handle the transitions that you she are doing. I think it will be terrific to read your blog. Hopefully we will provide feedback and comments that will help you both. I’m a bit older than you. At 61 I’ve only come to terms with my being transgender over the past 3-4 years. My dear wife of 21 years and I will be divorced by the end of this year. She supports, understands, and loves me, but emotionally she can’t deal with my being trans. I’ve moved, and started my HRT about two months ago. It is so scary to come into yourself as a woman. What style am I? Am I appropriate? What fits? !!! I love hearing how you support each other. Hugs, Emma

Hey there, nice post and photo! The photo is upside down of course so I had to carefully turn my iPad so I could view the image without it spinning back around! I had this same problem the other day when I wrote about my new license plate. Eventually I learned that one has to flip the image upside down and save it that way. Use that file for your post and... voila! The photo is presented correctly. Good luck with the storm, Emma

You both raise excellent points, thank you. As I ponder this more I suspect that as I’m still so early in my transition that I’m a little shy about unequivocally believing and stating that I am a woman. All I can say is I’m Working On It!

Hi Chrissy, good points, thank you. I must admit I’ve also considered: am I a woman or a trans woman? Some months ago I told a friend that I’m a trans woman. But then, what is a trans woman? For me it’s someone who was always a female in her heart but was raised as male. Recently though in thinking about this some more I decided that indeed I am a woman, a special kind of woman, a trans woman. That may sound confusing to some, it is a bit for me! I’d love to hear your thoughts. Emma

Excellent, Chrissy! Good for you on all of it. I hope you feel terrific about yourself. Also, I hope that you become closer friends with the women in your group. I watched the videos, thanks very much for those, too. Here's some thoughts: Jenni Murray: She wasn't nearly as "TERF-y" as I expected. I tend to agree with her considerations about the words, such as "chest cancer" instead of breast cancer. She sounded reasonable but also uninformed. Sure, the vicar's response to her question was odd but I suppose she's still processing so much about what to do for her parishioners, how to present herself authentically. In fairness, the vicar was raised as a male so perhaps isn't as cognizant as he probably should be about women's positions and rights. I will say I'm disappointed to hear that Jenni's opinions are based on such a small sample size. Girl with cards: She is a sweetheart isn't she? I loved watching her story. She's on the right track and all I can say is good for her. I'm envious! Lee Mokobe: wonderful! Janet Mock: she's so beautiful and articulate. I read her book too and loved it. Her video was a perfect one for your meeting. Her authenticity is so undeniable. She's a woman, simple as that. I'm so happy for you Chrissy! Emma

Thank you! I think it's too cool for school. This may sound silly but for me it's like another step in coming out and being authentically me, fun (I hope) and a little creative. No, I'm not from New York. I've only visited a handful of times. I'm a native Californian who moved to Seattle last summer. Washington is so amazing. Of course I hate the traffic but that encourages me to walk or use the light rail. On Saturday I drove less than an hour from my home to visit my niece and her young family who live on a small lake in a beautiful woodsy area. In California that drive would be a lot longer to get away from the urban areas. Another thing from Saturday: now I'm known as Aunt Emma! I'm very proud of that.

A couple of months ago while driving north in Oregon I thought of a custom license plate for me: "EMMAGINE." Unfortunately the DMV only accepts 7 characters or fewer so I dropped an M. I love it!

"De-AFLAC" sounds like a great idea. I was also considering what I should do tomorrow. I'm retired and have so much to do in my fixer-upper house, I could definitely work all day tomorrow. We all need to decompress and that's what I plan to do. Maybe spend the day in my nightgown and pink fluffy robe, reading a little, napping, and just downshifting. Monday comes soon enough! I do think it's important to keep track of little things you can do and/or look forward to during the week or anytime. For example I plan to stop by a nearby Vietnamese restaurant on the way home late Monday afternoon to buy a take-out order of their vegetarian appetizer rolls. For $3.85 they are a delicious, nutritious and cheap meal that I'll enjoy that evening for dinner. "It's the little things." Emma

Almost 75? I would have guessed you to be in your 50s, maybe early 60s. You have the drive of a 20-something!

So much training is hard to absorb in such a short time. I hope you have plenty of time and experiences in between so the training has relevance for you.

Yesterday I read this article on Transgender Universe by Mila Madison (I love her writings): Is It Safe to Come Out? You see, yesterday was National Coming Out Day. On reading the article it occurred to me that for most people the definition of "coming out" is a single event, coming out of the closet, letting others know ones true/authentic nature (sexuality, gender, etc.), and then it's done. That stirred up some thoughts for me as I considered that I came out all of the past year and see myself continuing to come out for at least the next year and maybe beyond. i added a comment to MIla's article that I've edited below: I think a point can be made that coming out isn’t binary, all or nothing. For example, I started coming out to selected friends, family and professionals one year ago. I kept a list on my phone, marveling as the number slowly grew from single digits into the teens. I told them, mostly in person, that I am transgender and had been since my earliest memories. All were more or less supportive. About six months ago I couldn’t wait any longer and wrote a long-ish email to about 50 colleagues and friends. I then forwarded it to others as I thought about them. Most answered very positively, a few didn’t answer, and no on disparaged me. My number had grown to about 100. About six months ago, very tentatively, I started dressing and going out in public. What fear and anxiety! Buying clothes on Amazon, afraid even to return those that didn’t fit for fear that the UPS guy would discover my secret. I started by attending all professional meetings (therapist, doctor, stylist, etc.) presenting fully as Emma. Thankfully I have a supportive network of friends. One girlfriend took me to Nordstrom Rack and Sephora for shopping a few weeks ago. We left loaded down with bags like the women in Sex and the City. Another suggested I go to a local woman’s consignment shop; they were wonderful. Last week I ran errands, first to a lumber store to buy a bunch of wood for basement shelves, to Nordstrom Rack to return a jacket (and yes, buy another), Trader Joe's, and Bed, Bath, and Beyond... all as Emma. Yesterday I went to pick up some sheet metal to fix a door, presenting as a woman. Talk about a bastion of testosterone. No one batted an eye. I also went out for coffee with a male friend whom I had told I’m trans but had never seen me dressed. As of yesterday I’m starting to dress all or most of the time, authentically as myself, a woman, Emma. I take the public transportation downtown, go grocery shopping, the bank, you name it. I agree completely that we need to be visible so that our sisters and brothers behind us will witness our progress while the cisgender population learns that we’re just out and about, living our lives in peace and harmony with everyone. So what's left? There are more bridges left to cross, such as: Using my feminine speaking voice that I'm taking weekly lessons on. I'm nervous about that. Thank goodness my next door neighbor liked the way my "Good morning!" sounded to her this morning and volunteered to make herself available for me to practice as needed.Go for a bra fitting. I'm waiting for my breasts to bud more before doing that. I imagine that one of these days my breast forms will feel even more uncomfortable riding on top of my natural breasts. Oh, and then I'll be wearing a bra all the time, too.Select and wear a women's swim suit out and about. Likely next summer.Go to Macy's and places like that for a makeover. I could really use professional help with my makeup.Get my fingernails and toenails painted. Gosh, once that's done there's really no way to present as anything but a woman, is there? Get my hair styled and maybe add some highlights. My hair will be long enough in 4-6 months, I think, so I have some time. Change my legal name, drivers license, passport, etc. That's probably for 2019!That's all I can think of for now but I'm sure I'll come up with more! Hey, that's part of the fun isn't it? XXXOOOXXX Emma

I’m the Queen of the Semi-Colon! I use it all the time. It’s such a handy punctuation. You’re awesome, BTW, how you’re cold calling, taking the negatives in stride, and collecting appointments. Look girl, you’re going to knock this one out of the park. Let’s see, your cold-call to appointment rate is maybe 10% right? Maybe your close rate is 25% of the appointments. Maybe higher, we’ll see. You have four appointments I think, so aim to close. Did they teach you the “Benjamin Franklin close?” You take a blank sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle from top to bottom, and tell them that this is how ol’ Ben made hard decisions. The left side is where he listed reasons he should go with the proposal, and the right side is where he put negative reasons. You offer to help by slowly filling in the left side with benefits that the prospect agreed with. And when you’re done you let them try to fill in the right side. They quickly can’t think of much and it’s apparent looking at the paper what he should do: go to with your proposal. Good luck! Emma

Ah, a relaxing Sunday! I woke up lazy but couldn’t help from having a busy day: Worked on my voice feminization exercises, of which I’ve been delinquent. Reminds me of college when I’m supposed to be studying and find myself cleaning out my refrigerator.Ordered a whole bunch of lumber to build simple shelves in the basement.Bought a bunch of stuff at Bed, Bath, and Beyond, taking advantage of their 20% off coupon.Returned a new women’s jacket at Nordstrom Rack (had a hole in it) and bought another better one. Proud of myself that I unflinchingly told the clerk that they were mine! She didn’t bat an eye which was no surprise.Groceries at a Trader Joe’s. Have you tried their Crisp Bread? It’s so tasty and pretty healthy too. I love TJ’s!

I can recommend many books. Tell me what you like and I’ll send titles! It’s to be expected that you’re feeling down. Sure, it’s fun and all to be on your own, to dress when and how you like. But longer term you’re without your wife and that is sad. Give yourself the patience, caring, and support you need to work it out. It may take quite a while, there is no certain path or timeline. I wish you well, sleep tight, Emma

I'm pretty laid-bak too, and now that I re-read my comment I'm thankful you didn't misunderstand me. i didn't mean to say that you're having the troubles I wrote about. When I was writing I was remembering my first experiences in sales. Although I was in a professional sales role (like you) I feared that people would expect me to be like a used-car salesperson, or think of me that way. I also remember getting hit with objections that I didn't have an answer for. Each time as I drove to the following appointment I'd replay the exchange in my mind and almost always come up with a friendly and effective come back. I was proud of myself later to be able to use those come backs during meetings! Yes, slow and steady. That's often been tough for me! XXXOOOXXX Emma

Attagirl, Michelle! There is a lot to learn. But your approach and attitude will help you so much. Try emulating your manager and soon you’ll find your own style and voice. Handling objections is tough, especially the first time for each one. After, you may wish you’d countered with something and sure, the meeting might have gone better. But each time you learn more, and next time you’ll be better prepared. Many people think sales is easy, for those who speak quickly and able to convince people to buy. In fact, sales roles are hard and sleaziness doesn’t work. Stay patient with yourself, learn each day, and in a short time you’ll feel empowered and see how you’re offering a real and valuable service to your customers and your company. Emma

​Hahaha!

One more thing, please. Did you ever hear that when you’re selling a drill you’re not selling a tool that holds bits and twirls them around. What you’re actually selling are holes. The same thing is true for insurance. In this case you’re selling peace of mind. If something unfortunate happens (and we know it does, all too often and to each of us) your customers will be covered financially. Maybe not 100% and it’s true that insurance doesn’t cover emotional distress, at least the effects of monetary loss are reduced when we need it most. Good luck in your new career. I’m confident you’ll do well. Emma

That sounds awesome, Chrissy! Yes, please keep us informed.

Selling anything, especially something like insurance, is tough. I sold capital equipment for about five years and I was pretty good at. Why? Because what I was really selling was myself. Be friendly, respectful, and educational. If they don’t want to listen or hear your pitch: - Is there a better or more convenient time for me to come back to talk? - Would you mind if I follow up with you again in, say, six months? (Keep short notes so when you do return you can remind them about your previous visit.) Keep at it and make it fun. When you’re on the phone be sure to stand and smile while you’re speaking. Your voice will be warmer and your energy will come through. Emma