Emma

Congratulations! I suggest “The One Minute Sales Manager” to read...

Hi Dawn, Thank you, it's so nice to hear from you. My electrologist does use a cooling gel, and I also have a prescription novocaine gel (but I'm inexperienced using it and will keep trying). She's also said (as Karen did) that I need to be well-hydrated. Indeed, that will be a focus for me tomorrow before my next appointment. Tomorrow I'll be receiving injected novocaine from a dentist for my upper lip. She's cleared it once before but more hairs need to be cleared of course. I'm lucky that my beard is fairly light so that a cosmetologist told me that I don't need to have a beard cover; just a good foundation is fine. No way will I have anyone do this hair removal on my chest or legs! I'd love to hear more about your hair therapy, what you are doing and how it works and so forth. Last night I had a FaceTime with my ex-wife and we talked about my hairline. She also has a high forehead so she has her advice which is to part my hair on one side and then have a sloping bang across the forehead. She's coming to visit in a couple of months and we promised that when she's here we will go see my salon lady and get a consultation. It's not a huge rush for me. I really just want it to be longer. Now it's down to the tops of my shoulders and I'd like it to be at least 6-10" longer before I have it styled. Patience! I also wanted so much to stay married. About a year ago my wife told me that we needed to get divorced because without that she was sure I could never really become my authentic self. That was about the most loving thing she could do for me. It really tore her up, me too. Over the year I realized how correct she was. And recently I understand more about why, which is that I have always been saddled with a need to try to manage the feelings and happiness of everyone around me. So my coming out and being authentic really flew in the face of that with me and my wife. This is something I'm working on with my therapist now. Honestly, I don't know what complete transition is. Maybe it's different for each of us. At the moment for me it's comprised of: - Coming out as transgender to pretty much everyone. That's a big transition in itself! - Full time presentation as a woman in public, at home, everywhere. I'm building a pretty good wardrobe and makeup skills. Occasionally I notice the unworn (for months) male clothing in my closet; I'll soon be donating them to Goodwill after choosing what will stay (some are pretty handy) and, after taking a deep breath, loading them in the car for that one-way trip... - Working on achieving a feminine voice. Gosh, it's hard but I really do seem to be learning. My voice therapist (whose name is Sandy Hirsch, she wrote "The Book" if you will on voice therapy and is a frequent conference speaker) gives me props for how much I've achieved. Part of my achievement is coming to an improved motivation for wanting to have a feminine voice. Originally it was about trying to just blend, be recognized as a woman. Sure, that would be nice but I tend to think that although my visual presentation is nice and my stature isn't too big, my face tips people off that I'm a trans woman. Now, I'm fine with that and I just want my voice to be more "authentic" if you know what I mean. For me and what I need, not for others. And that may be all that I'll do. I'm not sure if I want GRS for anything more than to avoid a small bulge under my skirt - which isn't much noticeable if at all. Same about FFS. That may have a higher priority for me. Breast augmentation? Maybe, but I'd be very happy if I just have size B's, or maybe a little smaller is okay too. I suspect that the big thing for this year (maybe the Fall?) will be to start legal name/gender change. I have a credit card now in my name and I love that. I'd like my drivers license, passport, and all that to be aligned too. I'm a little scared about it and I don't know why. I have so much going on now though that it's not a priority! Love, Emma

Thanks to all for your kind wishes and advice. Makes a lot of sense to me. I was surprised to see that my photo of Peanut was gone so I re-added it. Yeah, I'm feeling better. It's funny how our feelings come and go. My wife called me on New Years Eve while she was driving to a friend's for dinner. I was I'm bed, reading, and she heard the sadness in my voice. She called me back yesterday morning to check in which helped. I had cooked a pot roast on New Years that I bought at Trader Joe's. It didn't taste nearly as good as hers. It was overdone and tough. She told me how to cook it even more at a very low temp for three hours, in a bath of wine, mushroom soup (Campbell's) and beef broth. Wow, it was much better last night and I have another serving ready for tonight. She called me again yesterday evening to see if I was okay. My therapist has advised that I need external affirmation way too much and I think she is correct. I wrote a list of self-affirmations that I slowly read to myself every morning in the hopes that I'll develop more internal resources for when I need them. I do it but I'm not sure it helps much. I think we know that this mental stuff is pretty challenging. I also read this to myself every morning: A Guide to Fear Mastery It helps, but doesn't help much when I am feeling so low. I do subscribe to the notion that mindfulness is a good practice. But wow, is it easy to say and hard to do! Love to all, Emma

Hi Lori and Chrissy, Thank you so much for your kind support. I feel better today, pretty much back to my old self. Depression like that is so uncomfortable but I guess it's common? I went out with a girlfriend last night for a glass of wine; her companionship helped me a lot. She also bought a Christmas present for me: a Glassy Baby candle "jar" (I guess it's called) that is hand blown. I have been wondering where my depression comes from. It all feels the same. It might be the hormones but for some reason I don't think so, at least not yet. Yes, I feel sadness about my divorce and some loneliness too. I do think that overall it's my gender dysphoria rearing its head. It's as if the euphoria that I've been experiencing the last few months has died down and I'm left with "okay, now what?" I've often read that many people realize during their transition that it's no panacea, they carry the same baggage they had before, just in a different gender. Honestly, I expected that. But then again it seems like a shock to feel the way I have been. Thankfully I have a meeting scheduled with my therapist this Wednesday morning. Lots to talk about! Best wishes to all and hopes for a wonderful 2018, Emma

Excellent point, Karen, thank you. My electrologist has said this too and I forgot to take care that I was well hydrated.

I spent the evening with three girlfriends at a dinner show in downtown Seattle. I should have had a better time. I wore my new burgundy REI sweater dress, fleece-lined leggings, and a silver necklace. If I do say so myself, I looked nice. Nice that is, for me. I'm not sure I should be writing this at all. After all I'm a moderator here. Aren't I supposed to be like a Camp Counselor who always knows the right thing to say, the right thing to do? That's what it seemed like when I went to camp, about fifty years ago I guess. My divorce from my wife is final as of about a week ago. We still talk, we love and miss each other, and I think we will always be in each other's lives. But nonetheless we are divorced. I feel like I should be looking forward, excited about the future. Instead all too often I am so envious of women who get to just be what they are. Sure, they aren't perfect either. But their hairline isn't all receding, they have at least some sort of waist, and their voices are naturally feminine. And oh yeah, they don't have beards. Today I saw my electrologist for our weekly appointment. This week we were scheduled for only an hour because the dentist in the adjacent office is on vacation. She started working on my side burns but after 40 minutes I had to call it quits. It just hurt too much. I couldn't take it any longer. I guess I have another couple of years worth of appointments to look foreword to. I'm so blessed and so lucky and yet I feel so blue. I feel guilty for that, like I shouldn't feel this way. But we know that everyone's feelings are valid. I should approach them mindfully, accept them, don't fight them, and in fact, embrace them. Use them to help point the way I should go, don't let fear and hurt drag me down. If it were that easy... The good news is that I adopted a two-year old cat about a month ago, Peanut, whose photo is below. She seems to like me. I like her too.

Perhaps you should consider why you want to talk to her and possible ramifications if it doesn’t go well? Not that I think you shouldn’t tell her. Then, though, set up a 1:1 with her, telling her that you want to have a private talk about something important to you. Yes, that will pique her curiosity but more importantly her mindset will be more prepared to understand that whatever you tell her is sensitive and hopefully she’ll be receptive and reserve judgment while you’re spelling it out.

"To be content" is all that matters, whether it's wearing clothing or not, full time or intermittently, and what styles and so forth. The important thing, I think, is to recognize and accept that as a transgender person - not matter how you express your gender - is simply that you're a valid example of normal human diversity. You're certainly welcome here no matter what or how you express yourself or feel.

Cool for you! Yes, to watch your boss in action: priceless. You’ll get there kiddo. You certainly have the right attitude and drive. I think you’re gonna love the residuals! Edit: The thing you’re going to love more is that you’ll have so many more friends and acquaintances throughout your community. That is priceless.

Attagirl Michelle! Yeah, sales is tough, harder than it looks. And that’s why the dollars are hung out there as incentive. But you’re amazing. You’re like the Duracell Bunny: you keep running. You’re exactly what we need!

“Hidden Figures” was terrific, wasn’t it? We watched it on Thanksgiving after dinner. Another that’s similar (at least for me) is “The Imitation Game.” About the holidays it is weird to be on our own. I was just on the phone with my soon to be ex-wife. We still care for each other and miss each other but we live almost 1,000 miles apart so we won’t see each other for Christmas. She has a friend to visit on Christmas Eve and another on Christmas. I suspect I’ll be alone with Miss Peanut, my cat. I think I’ll bake a turkey leg and thigh. I love the taste. Maybe crack open a bottle of wine and watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” but my wife suggests that I not do that since I tend to get misty eyed at that movie. I hope you enjoy your company’s party. I hated them! It’s all so stilted and odd, trying to socialize while also around wives and husbands who don’t really want to be there. And if you don’t show up, people notice, so you have to. At one company we had a catered Christmas lunch, which was only for employees and that was fun. We received lottery tickets based on donations we made to a local charity that we then used to “buy” prizes. And after, we took the afternoon off!

The weather is certainly brisk at times (it's 32 this morning according to iPhone) but I recall it was 50 when I was on my walk. I do tend to keep my hands in the pullover's pocket but overall, so long as I keep moving, I'm fine once I build up some warmth. Several days earlier it was in the low 40s and I wore a cap pulled down over my ears, a scarf, and a warmer jacket. The weather is one of the things I love here: I get to wear my cozy clothing!

People in Seattle take advantage of sunny/rain-free days and I'm no exception. I love walking from my house through a local park and then along Lake Washington for several miles. It's very large, with a total shoreline that's probably around 60-70 miles and of course I come no where near that. It's ringed with parks and walking/running paths and just lovely. Today I was talking with my wife (via phone) while walking. She's in California and has never seen me presenting authentically. She asked if I was wearing my "lady clothes" and I assured her that yes, that's what I always do. Today's no different. She asked me to have someone snap a photo and send it to her. So here it is: no makeup, hair's a mess, but it's me, very comfortable in my own skin. Wow, I just happened to notice that I joined TGGuide just over three years ago. What a long space trip it's been!

Hi Frank, do you feel a need to come out to your family soon or before you see a therapist? If so, may I ask why? Coming out can be pretty challenging and fraught with emotions, for you and them. I suggest that you wait until you feel you’re on your own firm and solid ground emotionally.

Oh! You already have a blog! Good for you. Please see my response to your intro post. You’re absolutely correct, by the way, that it’s not your fault, nor is it a choice, a proclivity, or a lifestyle, to be transgender. The science is becoming clear: we are born this way, simply examples of normal human diversity. Nothing to be ashamed of, but I know all too well that can be easier said than believed. I’m 61 and lived in shame for about the last 60 years. No more though!

Outside sales is very hard, requiring a lot of self motivation and drive that most people don’t have or are afraid of. It sounds to me like you need to consider how well you qualified those prospects. If they don’t have or percieve the need then they aren’t qualified. And all too often, unqualified prospects may give the salesperson things to do instead of just being straightforward and telling them that they have no intention to buy. Why? Because they don’t like confrontation and they hate hurting you. So, at some point while qualifying the prospect it’s a fair question to ask: do they understand the need and want to address it? If not, see if you can understand why, and see if you can help. If it’s then still a no, then it’s time to thank them for their time and promise to follow up later, perhaps in six months. They will greatly appreciate your candor.

Well hey, Mikey, congratulations on your “M”! It’s well earned and I love your story too. Since I just got my WA license a few months ago, now I think I should’ve entered an F. I’ll bet having them enter your middle name instead of the initial is a real annoyance. Sorry about that. But now you’ve got your M and no one can take that away from you!

Hi Michelle, I'm glad you liked the list and will definitely look at your suggestions. My wife and I also read all three of the Girl with Dragon series and loved them! So sorry that the author is gone, now. I want to add "The Martian" to the list. It was a very good movie and an amazing book, especially for a first novel. That said, so is "The Kite Runner"! You must read them both if you haven't already. I've read Michael Connelly's books and enjoyed them but these days I'm less satisfied with "genre fiction" or maybe I'm getting more into "chick lit" go figure. I have enjoyed John Grisham's books but here again they're getting long in the tooth. I loved James Michener's books, especially "The Source" which is a classic as far as I'm concerned. No, I haven't gone to the movies for maybe a year. No one to go with and kinda busy... See you! Emma

Hi Michelle, Always happy to talk about books! Around my neighborhood are these little weather-proof glass-door kiosks where residents can leave books they're done with and pick up others that interest them. Yesterday I picked up "The September Society" by Charles Finch and I'm one chapter into it. It has many great blurbs on the front and back covers so I'm hopeful it will be a fun read. Some possible books that come to mind are: "House of Sand and Fog" It was turned into a movie that was excellent; the book is even better of course. "The Name of the Rose" Also a movie that wasn't so good but I've read it at least twice, I loved it so much. Unfortunately I've tried all of Umberto Eco's other books and was always disappointed. Some weeks ago I found a Seattle bookstore that's acclaimed for its mystery books. I went there to find "another" Name of the Rose. The owner told me that there is no other book as good as that one! "Girl With a Pearl Earring" Another movie! Excellent, excellent historical novel. "The Grapes of Wrath" and any other book by John Steinbeck. "Stranger in a Strange Land" is a very interesting sci-fi book and is where the word "grok" came from. "I Will Fear No Evil" - also by Heinlein has a trans character! "The Book Thief" was excellent. "The Eye of the Needle"... wow! "Flight of Passage" is a very fun autobiographical account of two NY boys who were the youngest to fly a plane from NY to California. Very fun read. "Rocket Boys" (aka "October Sky") is a wonderful autobiography about a high school boy who earns his way out of a dreary coal mining existence into a professional career. "Soul of a New Machine" and any other book by Tracy Kidder. Gosh, I'd better stop now. If you don't find what you're looking for here, please send genres or titles of books you've enjoyed that I can use to offer other ideas. Edit 1: Okay, here's some more: "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown. Really helped me, as all of her books have. "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. You don't have to be an artist (but we all are) to enjoy her taking you by the hand. Doing your Morning Pages can be very cathartic. "The Road" Cormac McCarthy: very spooky and surreal view of the future. "Wild" and "Tiny Beautiful Things" by Cheryl Strayed. I'm a huge fan of her, including her podcasts. She is so wise and inspirational! Edit 2: Still more! "Lonesome Dove" What an amazing adventure. "Atlas Shrugged" "Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience" "Man's Search for Meaning" Viktor Frankl: a must-read "The Hunt for Red October" "Red Storm Rising"

Chat has never really appealed to me, I must say. I like these “conversations” more. In the chat rooms I feel compelled to rapidly respond. Here, though, I can be a bit more thoughtful and long winded! So yes, let’s dive into deeper subjects! As for AFLAC, hey, you won your first deal! Good for you. The next will have challenges, sure, but you’re learning and making real progress, loading your funnel, and moving them toward closure. You go, girl! Emma

Me too, MichelleLea, happy birthday. So, you were born in ‘42? What a time to grow up. I suppose you don’t have any memories of WW2 people coming home and resettling. But then there was the Korean War, and Vietnam, of course. That’s a lot of wars, too many. I was born in ‘56 and I well remember Vietnam, with Walter Cronkite reporting each night. I just missed being drafted which was quite fortunate of course. So much has changed mostly for the better since then, especially as regards being transgender. I surreptitiously read everything I happened across, mostly about Christine Jorgensen. But also about transvestites, which always sounded like some kind of nasty thing, like a parasite. Ah well, better late than never. I’m glad you found us, and enjoy yourself in the chat room. It does feel so great to just be yourself, doesn’t it. Good luck this week. Yours is an especially tough sales job. Not only cold calling and all that but also selling a solution to a need that most would prefer to ignore or procrastinate. So much of the job is about selling yourself, bonding and connecting with people so they trust and want to do business with you. It takes a special talent and kind of person and I feel you’re going to do very well. Emma

Interesting, Chrissy, thanks. For me, I’m less concerned with defining where I’m transitioning “from” and more interested in the “to.” Also, in my mind I’m not even 100% sure of what I’m going to be when I get there. A transgender woman, yes, but I think I’m already there now as I’m always presenting as female now although have only been on HRT for two months. In general use by cis people I believe that they also have varying opinions of the from and to. But all understand that it is a transition, and it’s a big thing. All that said, I agree with your concerns about “CGHT.” That does feel loaded and potentially stigmatizing. My own issue with “transition” is that it seems to imply something that is over and done at some point, like I should aim for something. I’m not, though. I’m simply taking steps, pretty much one at a time, like stepping stones across a river.

I find your attitude so refreshing and remarkable. You’re a great example to all of us. I’ll bet your managers love you! And, like Lori, I continue to learn, always. I’m 61 and taught myself how to create and publish iOS apps a couple of years ago. Too bad I missed the Gold Rush!

I agree completely with Lori. I am thinking the same way as well. It’s perfectly okay to lounge about as you wish and to “go no further” with anything let alone transition. Whatever works for you is all that matters. You do have an excellent attitude and work ethic. As you said keep trying new approaches and have fun with it. Be upbeat, friendly and professional, and the customers will come.

Good for you and your wife! You're both so lucky to have each other. I got my nails done for the first time today too! It's really a big step for me. Sure, I'm presenting as a woman all the time but, let's face it, if I want to go to Home Depot even dressed in Levi's and a tee shirt my nails will be out there for all to see. This Saturday I have a wonderful ACLU dinner to attend I said the heck with it. I'm going to get all gussied up and kick up my flats. Tomorrow I'm getting my sysbrows waxed which is not really a big deal but need them cleaned up!