Emma

Truer words were never spoken Michele. Like you I finally attain - if only for limited time - a lack of concern about how the rest of the world perceives me. Achieving this more consistently seems so hard. It's hard to be trans, especially if like you and I, we transition. It's been particularly hard the last two days. You see, I have an appointment tomorrow in Chicago for "large volume electrolysis" where two electrologists will work simultaneously to clear my facial hair in one very long 12-hour day. They require that I have not shaved for at least 4-5 days so as you can imagine by yesterday my facial hair was quite noticeable to anyone who looked at me as I travelled from Seattle to Chicago. Today I'm holed up in a hotel room trying to survive on one rather expensive chicken salad from room service along with some nuts and instant oatmeal I brought with me. I can't stand the feeling of this beard and would be mightily tempted to shave it off if I'd brought a shaver and shave creme. Thankfully I didn't! About breast growth, I understand that too of course. I've taken to using a Noogleberry pump system morning and evening for about 45 minutes each time. I guess they're growing but it's hard to be sure. Even if they are I don't know whether they are the result of hormones, Noogleberry, or both. I plan on "Noogling" through the end of 2018 at least in the hopes of at least full B's. You wrote: "People will.only be honestly happy for me if I'm honestly happy for myself." I believe that to be true too. In general I am pretty darned happy these days and I'm finding that people around me pick up on that and are happy with for for me right back! Best wishes, Emma

Hi Monica, I could not agree more. I'm also very tuned into being mindful although it's hard at times, isn't it. It helps to be reminded, thank you! Emma

I think it’s hard to figure this stuff out and unless whoever goes with you is a fashion expert whose style you love, well, I think you’re better off going on your own. And then only buy things you really love. Check out the return policy so you give yourself a few days to reflect and consider.

A friend of mine who happens to be non-binary wrote to me this morning about a speech he made yesterday at a monthly event were locals in his community speak on that month's theme. For May it was "epiphany" and... he won! I've had my own epiphany in the last couple of weeks that I'd like to share. Over the years I've often read about the need to live authentically. I assumed that meant I needed to find a different job, career, or otherwise "find myself." I had about three major career changes (broadcast engineering, outside high-tech sales, high-tech marketing and business development), worked for a dozen companies, and even tried my hand at starting my own ventures. I even once really committed to learning fiction writing on the assumption that "if Dan Brown can do it why not me?" (The Da Vinci Code had an interesting premise but in my opinion exhibited pretty marginal writing chops.) I think it's fair to say that through the first 5 decades of my life I tried really hard to "find myself" and although I experienced thrills and euphoria with each new thing (like the infatuation people feel with a new lover) I soon found them a bit tedious, got depressed, and then found myself slogging along once again. Of late I feel I've broken through to the "other side" of my transition where I just live my life as Emma, a woman who happens to be transgender. I feel very good, better and more excited about life than I've ever been. It occurred to me recently that hey, I'm actually living authentically and I love it! It's like it all snuck up on me without planning or awareness. I then realized that all these years I've been trying to cope, to live inauthentically, and wasn't even cognizant of it. What I've learned is that when one is compelled to live inauthentically that begets more inauthenticity, like lies requiring additional layers to maintain their deceit. And I've been that way since before kindergarten, trying to live according to others' rules and expectations, utterly ashamed of my core need to be female. Maintaining all that is stressful and exhausting. As a teenager I well recall being on hair-trigger, ready to be slighted. As an adult I was often upset and I didn't know exactly why, often depressed, and like someone treading water in the ocean waiting for life to just be over. At the risk of stating the obvious here it's amazing how important it is to live authentically! Just as inauthenticity leads to more inauthenticity, authenticity feeds on itself creating more authenticity, more satisfying relationships, all that stuff. Obviously (I hope) everyone's mileage may vary: I'm not preaching that everyone should transition or how they should go about achieving their own authenticity. I'm just so grateful to have gotten to where I am. Being an active member of the Transgender Guide among other things has helped me so much, I hope it helps you too. Emma

Hi Elsa, Your story parallels mine in so many ways. I just turned 62 last weekend and started HRT 9 months ago while also transitioning to full time living as a woman. Self doubt was also a mainstay companion but those feelings have reduced so much. I’ve never felt better in my life,. I read about people feeling this way before of course and I didn’t really believe it. I thought they were experiencing a euphoria. Now I know that I was incorrect. People say we are brave and courageous and at times we are. It’s certainly a Hero’s Journey and I thank goodness I’m living it! I hope to read more about your experiences! Emma

I agree Monica! This evening I was taken out to dinner by a couple of friends to a hip restaurant along Lake Washington. I wore sandals, skinny jeans, a pretty and flowery top, and a white sweater. We had a blast! It can be challenging to determine ones style and then making it a reality. I think it’s good advice to notice what others wear that you like and then to try to follow their lead. It’s expensive though and I was tempted to buy lesser quality clothing on Amazon among others. I’ve had a lot of success at women’s clothing consignment shops which try hard to carry quality items (which don’t sit around). Go often, experiment, and try not to buy anything - no matter how “cheap” - that you don’t absolutely love!

Ha! Well, she has good taste just like you! Perhaps also, though, seeing her looking good in the dress triggers some emotions in you such as envy or sadness? I can see where it might. It’s hard to be a trans woman. We want to appear just as nice as another woman and sometimes that’s just a bit of a bridge too far. And, like all women we compare and often negatively judge ourselves versus other women. So unlike being a man, right? So, you rock that dress! Have a fun time wearing it! And tell her how nice she looks in it. Women often complement each other.

Hi Michele, In case it helps I feel similarly. Not that I blend in nearly as well as you... ever. I think I always stand out a bit. I have been thinking about getting full on FFS and maybe other modifications but I’m not convinced I’d ever fully blend in. And, at what cost? The money is one thing and that’s considerable. The bigger thing for me is that I don’t want to feel compelled to wear another costume. Like you I’m feeling more confident and proud of myself. I want to look nice, feminine, and appropriate for where I am, my age, etc. I’m thinking now about getting a face lift and brow lift, not to blend in but to look a little improved. I think we need to try to do what makes us feel better, not for anyone else. Emma

I think younger people who grew up with the Internet certainly have a different set of experiences than we have had. They may very well believe that there isn't much difference between friendships with people online or in person. I'd say that however they feel is fine. Maybe as they grow older they will learn differently? But then maybe we'll have real-time holographic image displays and they will be right! I have certainly made several friends online including you and others here at TGG. But some other notables are: * Dara Hoffman-Fox: although we've never met or spoken to each other we have helped each other. I consider her a friend because we know of some personal details of each other, I trust her, and I appreciate her as a person. * Marlo Mack, producer/owner of "How to Be a Girl" podcast. She and I developed a friendship via emails last summer. I learned that she lives in Seattle and now we have met several times, I've helped her with her podcast a little, and she's introduced me to others here. * Dr. H, the endocrinologist who has the blog "Hormones Demystified." I don't even know his name but he's been a huge help to me, and I have tried to help him too. I'd love to meet him someday. So yes, my friendships with Dara and Dr. H are less than what I have with Marlo. I definitely consider Marlo a friend but she's also very busy in her own life and we see each other much less than I'd like. For me the closeness of my friendships really depends on how comfortable we are with sharing ourselves with each other, being vulnerable, talking about what is going on for us. I guess that's a reason I feel so deeply for my therapists? But sometimes even that isn't enough. Maybe we find that we don't have the "chemistry" to be close. Last weekend I went on a hike with a couple of lesbian women. We had a great time, we shared a lot, and enjoyed each other. But I doubt we will get together until we go on another hike. The weekend before we were on another hike with those same women and two others. One of the others and I were inseparable! We could not stop talking and really enjoyed each other. Last night she came over and we went out to dinner and had a wonderful time. For whatever reason we are just really clicking. I don't know why and she doesn't either but we both are grateful for our friendship. Interesting? Emma

You look terrific now! Then? You look like you have a little chip on your shoulder, a bit of swagger perhaps covering up for your deeper self. It’s also interesting how your earlier photo is in monochrome and current one is in color. Very apt! I wonder why cis women are threatened or unhappy with you. Maybe they’re just unfamiliar with trans people and need time and experience to warm up? I know that some women feel so downtrodden by men that they might think that a trans woman is a bit privileged to have it both ways as male and female. I know that’s nuts but maybe? I hope you’re well and safe. I could never do your work and I appreciate those who do. Hugs, Emma

You look lovely Michele! All of us are our harshest critics. I hate mirrors because when I don't see myself I just look out into the world with my two eyes presenting myself just as I am and, I suppose, envisioning a more attractive me than what I see in the mirror.

Coming out is so scary, I feel for you. At least some of others reactions are due to unfamiliarity with how one determines that they are trans, what it means for your future and, indeed, how your coming out might affect them and their relationships. I suggest a couple of things: - Be aware that you’ve had your feelings about your birth gender for a very long time. Even if you didn’t even have a concept of being transgender, you have learned a lot. For your family and friends this is all new. It’s best if you’re patient and calm with them. They are transitioning too. - Prepare your own Frequently Asked Questions and answers. Thinking about this and writing it all down helps prepare you to provide better answers with the defensiveness that can arise when we feel pressure. Idea: post you FAQ here in your blog! - Create a short list of videos and perhaps websites or readings that some may appreciate so they can learn on their own. Some may be fascinated and want to know lots more! Others may be skeptical... Best wishes! Emma

Nicely said, Elsa. Sometimes breaking free of our gender assigned at birth is like achieving escape velocity. “Ground Control to Major Tom Commencing countdown, engines on”

On my Washington state driver's license, that is! I sent in the US Passport revision application last week, requesting (and paying for) expedited service. I don't trust our government (you know who and if you don't what planet are you from?) to not suddenly change the rules, preventing me from obtaining this. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me please!

Very well said, Elsa. We do have real challenges and fears, but with each one we gain momentum and freedom on the other side of those obstacles. I also heartily agree that we must live our lives now, while we can, before we are near the end and expire with regrets of what could have been. Sure, I wish I’d done more and transitioned sooner. Now though, I’m just happy to be on this journey.

Great photos! You look fantastic!!!

Bravo Chrissy on ditching the wig! I did that too early on. Too hot, uncomfortable, expensive, hassle... I do longingly observe cis women’s smaller foreheads, fuller temple hair. But I have what I have and consider myself fortunate for that. I also agree that being trans and all isn’t everything. These days I just enjoy being out, nicely dressed (appropriately). Today I wore a nice day dress and purple tights as I wanted to look nice as I went to court for a judge to legally change my name, which he did. Then, I did errands, got new passport photos taken at Costco, and attended a variety show this evening. I was a tad overdressed for that but it’s better to be over than under dressed! I look forward to picnics, camping, hiking, this summer. Just out and about.

I’m not aware that a transgender chat site was moved here but I don’t frequent them so what do I know. I checked ours just now and find the error that you reported and will inform the management forthwith. Apologies for such high-faluting language but I just finished watching “Lincoln.” I recommend it!

The "Pink Fog" (aka, Gender Euphoria) is something many of us experience as we come into our transgender selves. It feels great, similar to the infatuation of a new love interest. For me I've wondered at times if I'm chasing it which brings up worries that I'm following something akin to the path of an addict instead of my true nature. This came up for me yesterday morning when I read a story in a friend's blog of a 20-something AMAB person who got so caught up in his being a somewhat effeminate gay man that, with encouragement and advice, he transitioned socially. After some period of living as a woman (a year?) he decided to detransition. Thankfully he'd not embarked on only permanent changes. He now lives comfortably as a somewhat effeminate gay man. Later in the morning I was working on my house, finishing doors, installing shelving, that sort of thing, wearing of course my old Levi's 501's (no point in staining my skinny jeans!) and a sweatshirt, my hair in a ponytail. My gender was nowhere on my mind but I contemplated that story. I was comfortable doing my work. Dara Hoffman-Fox has made the point (which I agree with) that just because we like "masculine" activities such as motorcyling, woodworking, etc., that's perfectly okay for women. I reassured myself while doing the work. In the early afternoon I changed my clothes to go out for some errands, including a run to the lumber store. I dressed in my skinny jeans, a form-fitting REI top, earrings, and a little lipstick. I felt good about myself as I drove to the stores. In Trader Joe's I ran into a woman checker that I've gotten to know a little in one of the aisles. She'd just gotten off work. We talked for ten minutes, she's lesbian and about to be married, I'm trans, we share worries about Trump/Pence/Pompeo/Sessions, that sort of thing. She accepts me, we connected and reminded each of other of our names. At the lumber store a man who often helps me assisted me in selecting moldings and as he was ringing me up a woman checker (who happens to be lesbian) I've also worked with there came over to join our chat. I showed them a photo of closet doors I've built out of spruce. Still later I made a spur of the moment decision to walk to a local restaurant for one of my favorite things: reading my book while enjoying a hot chocolate with brandy. The manager's a woman I've gotten to know a little who's very friendly and appreciates the small amount of business I bring to them. Every day is my "transgender day of visibility." I don't think I look bad, and sure I'd like to pass much better. I stopped wearing foundation several weeks ago. I wore it before almost like a badge to add clarity that I was presenting as a woman. I guess it worked but of late I don't think it's necessary and is a hassle to remove. Like a pretty dress I save it for special occasions. (I'm such a sucker for pretty dresses. I can't resist!) At the end of the day it remained clear to me that transitioning to female was absolutely the right thing for me to do. I feel good in my own skin and I think I have a joy that encourages people to connect with me. I feel a thrill when I get gussied up and that's perfectly normal. I also feel good when just going out and about. And that's the whole point, right?

Adding my voice to Monica's and Lori's, MichelleLea, I can't imagine trying to weather what all you're going through. That "aloneness" is real and so understandable. There is no straight line through grief and some will say that you just have to give it time which is little solace. I agree with Lori that I hope that knowing you have supportive friends here will help you even a little. One step in front of the other... definitely. Don't allow yourself to isolate yourself too much. Connections to others is so important. Perhaps you can find people with similar interests on Meetup.com. Hugs, Emma

Sounds like a plan! Perhaps as your plan comes together you can write about it here. We can then offer tips, insights, and things to think about for you.

I’m so sorry to hear this, Jessica. It’s no consolation of course but I suppose your HIV infection was identified because of your HRT tests. I hope that early detection helps keep it at bay for you. I’m sending you my very best wishes and prayers.

Wow! You’re Amazing! Keep it up!

I once opened up my Christmas presents in secret and rewrapped them. On Christmas morning I tried hard to act surprised and happy but my parents figured it out and I felt so guilty and sad about it all that I never did it again. About timeframe for GCS "Gender Confirmation Surgery" I'm not aware that there are any hard and fast rules anymore. If there were, though, I doubt that doing it on your own would count since the powers that be would want to have this time validated by a medical professional. GCS timing is probably more about having the resources to pay for it and, most importantly, getting a slot on the surgeon's schedule. A friend told me recently that Marcy Bowers has a four year waiting list!

it's always best to only undertake HRT under the care of a doctor and make sure they are fully aware of anything else you're taking, OTC or otherwise. The blood test will show your blood estrogen and testosterone levels which your doc will use to determine your estradiol and spironolactone prescriptions. Expect that they will ask you to return about every 2-3 months for more blood tests to gradually/slowly get your estrogen and testosterone levels adjusted. This is best anyway because it more closely mimics a young female's emergence of her hormones. Another very important need for the blood tests is for your metabolic panel which your doc will monitor to see if your body is having problems with HRT, and then give you advice on how to contend with whatever comes up. I know it's all exciting and it is! But you also need to have patience! Think of it like the days before Christmas when you wondered what was in the packages but had to wait...