Emma

Hey Charotte, Good to hear from you and sorry about those nasty people. I don't know what being slimed is. I guess it's good? Hope so! And, great to hear about those superbike riders. Goes to show that for younger people being trans or gay is just another example of human diversity. xoxo Emma

Blue, I've been collecting photos of women with possible styles, and plan on reviewing them with a pair of women friends who know me personally so I can get their opinions. Then I will also show the stylist and get her feedback. I hope that works or at least makes the best of it! I should be able to post a photo in about a month...

I agree with Blue. I loved the way you told your story and the outcome of course, too. I'm not happy with wigs for myself and am going to get it styled in about a month. I have a high forehead and some hair recession/thinning there too. I really hope mine will look as good as yours!

I just had mine pierced three weeks ago! It was a little scary and hurt a little but it was over pretty quickly, with new titanium studs in place. They are healing fine, no pain. As far as I can tell they are healed but I've been advised strongly to keep up with the twice daily saline soaks for at least 6 weeks. Okay, better safe than sorry...

Didn't you send out a press release recently that you are transgender? (I didn't really understand this and asked if you would post a copy on your blog...) And then, wouldn't you expect pretty much everyone you know to learn about you? Anyway, I agree with Karen. I wonder if you could contact the event management (even after tomorrow is fine) to have a private meeting to talk about their concerns. I think it's best to calmly understand their assumptions and then see if you can educate them, always politely of course.

I've also had several people tell me how brave or courageous I am for coming out, and for being, transgender. And as you say it's wonderful to keep those people in mind especially when we have down feelings or worries or are criticized. Why shouldn't we just be happy and live accordingly? We should but each of has his/her own personal responsibilities, inner demons, and social considerations that they need to try to balance and come to terms with. Like myself, I endured for more than a half century to confront and understand myself and to slowly push the boundaries toward transition. In the US (and, it seems, in some European places) younger people are growing up with more open-minded parents, and are thus coming out and being themselves earlier and more naturally. And, they also have puberty-delaying drugs that enable them and their parents to mature into having a more confident decision about which gender they really are. So, the answer? There isn't a single answer. As all people, transgender or cisgender, are different, each person's situation is unique and their own.

I think that's really neat, Karen. To be honest I would be reluctant to attend your class because I'd be afraid as I always was of physically fighting, whether for my own protection or what. I well remember fearing the wrestling class in PE that lasted I think 1 or 2 weeks every year. It seemed like it was such a joke for the coach and the rest of the class to witness my quick humiliation. I just wanted it to be all over with. A problem for me is that I don't really see the "bad" people out there who might harm me. I'm meeting a friend in Anchorage late next week and talked to him last night. He told me that in California he always carry's a pistol. He's licensed, trained, and all that. He says it makes him feel better, and he has a couple of stories over the years which he uses to show its need. (He's not shot anyone or pulled the trigger.) I get it, I think. But I have no desire to carry a gun, in my car or anywhere. So it's much better to be at least trained in self-defense by someone like you. I'm relocating to Seattle so Salem is kinda far, but who knows, I may sign up for your class one of these days. :-)

Hi Charlotte, It's great to hear from you and thank you for your kind wishes. I feel there is a rising tide of awareness and appreciation for transgender people. It is coming slowly and there are always obstacles to navigate (e.g., Trump, Pence) but as they say a rising tide raises all ships. I am also hoping to have my hair styled in a more feminine cut. I will go see a stylist in late August which will be five months since my last cut, which wasn't too short. I think it will be long enough to at least present more androgynously, and also be nice while I wait more months for it to grow out more. My hair is very gray and I have some thinning on top and a high forehead, but everywhere else it's thick and healthy. I hope I won't need to go to a hair doctor but I will if necessary. It would be fun if you would publish one of your press releases here. Amazing to me that you've done that! Best wishes, Emma

I have just had a fun experience. In Whitehorse, Yukon, there is a microbrewery called Winterlong, and I walked over there this afternoon. I had an IPA and while sitting there a couple, about my age, walked in and I overheard them talking to a younger (local) couple, and say they are from California. Long story short, we spent the next hour or so talking. They asked what was up with me, I explained that I am transgender, and we really hit it off. Nice people. Excellent beer! I fully agree that we need to be careful and I took a chance albeit small.

Great to see you, Chrissy! I'm so glad to hear you had a nice time. I can well imagine doing it once and watching from the sidelines next year!

Hi Chrissy, Thank you, I'm looking forward to returning to my new home area in Seattle, where I am more confident that all will be okay. That said, I am making plans to have my hair styled in a more feminine way - as best I can until it grows out even more - and then using public transportation to travel around the city, to the conference center, various professional appointments with doctors, therapists, and just being myself. Even with the encouragement I've received I am apprehensive. Most of my worries are about looking "okay" but I felt that chill and fear yesterday. I remember the men's eyes, following me and not in a friendly way. Maybe they weren't threatening, perhaps just curious. I hope it's mostly the latter. Emma

Hey Blue, I'm now in the Yukon Territory, just north of British Columbia. You'd love it. Miles and miles of trees, rolling hills and mountains, streams, rivers and lakes, and everything a rainbow of greens, every shade, every color. I'm like a birder as I drive along, often not seeing another vehicle for five minutes or more, wondering what type of tree I'm seeing. I think I need to buy a book on trees. It's so beautiful and yet, as I entered another campground today I couldn't help but feel a little uncomfortable as men checked me out, wearing titanium studs in my ears, my gray hair getting a bit longer than male. The scenery is fantastic. I've seen black bears, bison, goats, and others along the roads. I expect to see mire and more and am finally keeping my camera locked and loaded by me seat. Still, I feel that I should keep to myself as I fear recourse from others who might sense an opportunity to make a point. I think I'll be fine, but...

Hey Charlotte, good for you! What kind of a style do you think you'll get or ask for? Is your hair already pretty long? I'm growing out my hair now and plan on having it styled in August, although it won't be fully grown out by that time. I've been collecting photos pf styles I like (on my laptop) to show to the stylist so she can tell me what is reasonable for me, what is not, and I hope, make it all look nice! Emma

Hey Bree! I was recently wondering where you were. I did have a great time, thank you. And, I've had my brows waxed again. No big deal! I don't know about legs and all, I suppose I'll wait to see if hormones are the way to go for me and if so I'll venture down that path I'm sure. Welcome back! Emma

Charlotte is a very pretty name... I like it a lot because it's not so common and it's unmistakenly feminine. And of course you can change your name to whatever suits you. It's your name! I think I wrote a blog post some years back about my choice of Emma that you may find interesting. Edits: I found my blog post from almost three years ago about my name. You might find it interesting, or not! http://tgguide.com/message/blogs/entry/707-nom-de-femme/

Hey Chrissy, Great for you! Have a blast! Emma

Sorry to hear this. Presumably she is starting you on a low dose and intending to "titrate" you up gradually? I suggest that you check to see if you're on a higher initial dose than what is normally prescribed. After all, people need to live their lives while starting and taking their medications. That's only reasonable. But I hear you about returning to see her; she doesn't seem to have much patience. Hopefully you'll start feeling better and less groggy in a couple of days.

I'm sorry to read about your interactions and situation with your psychiatrist. Amazing that she would accuse you of lying, and would insist that you have anyone else present. My suggestion is to have another meeting with her and your guardian present, and calmly explain that you need to see her privately, that you don't feel comfortable having anyone else in the room. If she's uncomfortable with that maybe there is a way for the guardian to be just outside on call in case of need. That seems to be a reasonable request and hopefully she and your guardian will see it that way. After all, you do see your therapist privately. But then, if she does meet with you privately, you need to gain her commitment to keep your discussions private, that in fact, you are highly concerned about having any of your feelings known outside of the room. If she agrees, fine. If not, I think that here again and unfortunately, you need to see a different psychiatrist. Let me also add that I've been on a variety of psychological medications and none worked for me. To me that speaks more to my depression being less about some chemical imbalance and more about issues that needed to be brought out in therapy. Some psychiatrists are bought into the school of thought that chemicals are everything and here again if she feels that way then she's not a good psychiatrist. As for school and the wedding all I can say is take it a day at a time. I don't recall how old you are but I do remember for me that it seemed to take forever to turn 18, then 21, and so forth. But looking back on it now I can say that time really does pass, and you will make it.

Hi CTF, As always I appreciate Michael's clear writing and hope it helps you. I also suggest that you take a look at this post I just made in the FTM Discussion area, and read the linked article. I put it into the FTM folder because that's it main story but I feel it gives any of us an example of a happy real life story.

​I am not familiar with autism and how it affects ones ability to stand up for oneself; that has to be tough but also familiar to therapists. Her brushing you off even as she also knows you're autistic is a concern for me. As Chrissy said it doesn't seem to make sense to spend the limited number of sessions that you have coverage with someone who isn't really helping. That said, what do you want help with from a therapist? What problem(s) do you want to focus on? I assume that something came up that drove you. In your writing you sound very grounded: you know you're autistic, trans, etc. Perhaps by looking at what drove you to seek therapy and judging if and how well you're making progress toward that you will be able to determine for yourself if you should continue to see her or stop and seek out an alternate therapist.

Glad to hear that you are seeing a therapist. I have some thoughts on your post: - Does she have experience and training with trans people? Most don't. - Have you asked her why she's not using your male name and pronouns? It's a reasonable question. - How do you feel about working with her? Not all therapists have what we need, and sometimes we simply don't have the right chemistry to work together. Perhaps you should go see another? Even that topic is fair for you to bring up with her for discussion. - How did she respond when you told her that you are trans? Did she ask you for more info such as what convinced you? I guess that changing therapists might bring up some discussion with you and your parents. They would ask why, and what you are looking for. So you need to be prepared for that. I'm not suggesting that you immediately try to stop seeing one and move to another. First, please talk to your therapist about how her use of your female name and pronouns is bothering you and what it's bringing up for you. Remember, please, she cannot read your mind and as with any relationship, open, honest, and sincere communication is vitally important.

Hey CT! Welcone to TGGuide! Good idea to start a blog, write down what's going on in your life and gender journey. It's heloed many of us tremendously. You say your from a very religious family; this video by Mark Yarhouse, where he is telling religious leadership about transgender and gender dysphoria, may be interesting for you: http://qideas.org/videos/transgender-1/ Please feel welcome to look around our forums and blogs, add your voice and questions wherever you'd like. We're here to help each other. Emma

Hi Chrissy, Gender Odyssey (http://www.genderodyssey.org/) is, from what I can tell and have been told, is an excellent conference for all transgender people. I've been encouraged that it's much more than a supportive and fun environment to present en femme, which is how another recent conference in Port Angeles was described. Check it out! Let me know if by chabce you can come, I'd love to meet you in person. Emma

The last couple of weeks have been busy. I had a first meeting with a new gender therapist (Shannon), my eyebrows waxed by a stylist (Zed), and an evaluation with a very experienced voice coach (Sandy). I’ve also started drafting my transition plan that I’ll review with Shannon when we meet again in September – after I return from Alaska. I mentioned to Sandy (the voice coach) that I want to start low-dose HRT in September as a way to dip my toe in the water. She advised that I get some doctor recommendations from Shannon soon and set up an appointment (for September) as these doctors are so busy and the wait time could easily be a couple of months. She also asked about my plans to present in a more feminine way, perhaps full time, and how I planned to present at the Gender Odyssey conference in late August. I told her that I do not dress in public very often at all, that I wanted to allow time to grow my hair and have it styled, at least start on electrolysis, and to have made some progress with her on my voice. She kindly responded that there is a huge variety of people at Gender Odyssey – so I could wear anything and it would be okay. She also advised that voice therapy is much more effective when is presenting as a woman in public. It’s like learning French in school and travelling to France where one can actually speak it. Yesterday I emailed Shannon with Sandy’s feedback, asking if she would provide names for doctors to me even though I’ve only met Shannon once. I expected that although she might provide names that she would suggest that I wait to make an appointment until she and I had more meetings. Surprisingly and without any reservations she provided me with the names, and agreed with Shannon that I should make the appointment. I was a bit startled and afraid after receiving Shannon’s email. In our meeting a couple of weeks ago she told me that she - like other professionals are increasingly doing - follows the “informed consent model” where clients like me are provided the latitude to make up their own minds once we have been informed of the protocols, risks, etc. Her email was thus consistent with informed consent. And, let’s face it, I do want to take this step. I reflected on all this while driving north yesterday for a couple of hours. I decided that before Gender Odyssey I will return to Zed (the stylist at the salon where I had my eyebrows waxed) and have her style my hair. In two months I believe will have enough to at least present more androgynously. I do have some hair loss in front that I assume we’ll be able to deal with, with "product" such as hairspray. Also, I’ll attend Gender Odyssey in a more feminine style of dress. Why not? I have several comfortable and casual outfits. What’s the worst that could happen? Given the climate of trans inclusion and welcoming in the Seattle neighborhoods I’m frequenting I think the rewards are much higher than the risks. I’ll also present in this way at least to Shannon, Sandy, and the HRT staff/doctor. As I drove further it occurred to me that the difference between fear and exhilaration is subtle. I was (and am) feeling exhilarated about taking these steps. It doesn’t hurt that I received a cute pair of sporty/feminine flats that fit perfectly yesterday from Amazon. Oh, that, and I got my ears pierced yesterday! I also bought a couple of pairs of earrings that I look forward to wearing. But I still have doubts, fears, and uncertainties. My (ex) wife is planning to come to Seattle in mid-September for her HS class reunion and we’ve talked about getting together. But I am thinking that she will not want to see me when I tell her about my ear piercings, my hair styling, and maybe more. So what sustains me? First and foremost, I can’t deny my history. I owe it to myself to play this out. I am so fearful that if I do not that one day, perhaps at the end of my life, I’ll have regrets. Second, my (ex) wife is suffering a lot these days. We talked recently and I learned that she is sad, depressed, and lost since I drove away two months ago. She gave up so much while also supporting me so lovingly; I feel that I must follow through. Sure, I cannot take responsibility for her emotions and I try not to but I feel a need to honor her sacrifice and support. At this point all the steps I’m taking are either reversible or can be switched off at will, so that makes it easier. My hope and assumption is that as I take these steps that I will feel joy that confirms that I’m heading in the right direction, and that will help sustain me as I take further steps that are more permanent. I’m also comforted when I consider that Shannon, Sandy, and my friends, will be there for and with me all along the yellow brick road. Best wishes, Emma P.S. I’m reading “The Transgender Guidebook: Keys to a Successful Transition” by Anne Boedecker, PhD. It’s excellent, in the same class as Dara Hoffman-Fox’s “You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery”.

Dear Charli, I cannot imagine the weight of your abuse and feelings, and thank you for providing a glimpse into your world. I certainly agree that neither sexuality or abuse equals our being transgender although I do understand that confusion. I am not aware that we are seen as a sexual attraction as a group although I dream of being attractive to a special woman who I will also be attracted to. We will see. I worry about rejection but that's for another post. As for the Cogiati and other tests, to me they are like a carnival ride. Fun, exciting perhaps, but soon over and not meaning much. For us transwomen we hope they will help confirm what we know in our hearts. Love, Emma