Emma

Michelle, I also have two sons that I have somewhat distant relationships with. The older (33) is kind of stand-offish, very sensitive to anything I might say, and invulnerable. The younger (29) vacillates between horribly depressed and fairly steady. He resists getting and holding onto a job because his mother (we divorced over 20 years ago) rescues him with money frequently although every single psychologist has advised that that is the exact opposite thing to do. These relationships have been painful for me especially as I know that I played my own negative role as I was so depressed and uncertain myself during their childhood. But I was also much closer to them that my father was to me and hey, I turned out all right - I think! I'm so happy for you to get your insurance license and wish you the best in finding a job that you enjoy. Take care, Emma

This topic came up in a recent post on Joanna Santos’ blog, "Musings From My Everyday Life" as well. I think Chrissy explained it much better than Joanna or me. I feel the same way as her and I’ve also wondered about it. I love it here at TGGuide but otherwise I just want to get on with my life. My main friends are cisgender women, some gay, some straight. I seem to fit right in with women as friends and I love that. All that said, tonight I’m going out to dinner with two cis women who have transgender daughters. After, we’re going to see Janet Mock give a talk! It’s getting more chilly in Seattle so I’m looking forward to wearing a new jacket I bought at Nordstrom Rack a couple of weeks ago. Emma P.S. I would also like to add how much I appreciate Chrissy, Monica, and Michelle, as well as all others here. It’s been three years for me at TGG and its helped me so much. BTW, My first name is Emma. I originally coined "Sweet" as an anonymous last name that also, I hoped, reflected my disposition. These days I'm often using my family name Gray. My full name is Emma Joy Gray!

Many (most?) of us have much more stuff than we need or want. We are choking on it. A recent book suggests that as you go through your things, if you don’t love it, toss it. We all worry about doing this but the freedom from stuff overload is... Fantastic!

Hi Olivia, Welcome to TGG. Although I’m a dozen years older I am going through much the same as you. Just today my doctor increased my estradiol to a more typical introductory level. I am also going to therapy, voice coaching, and electrolysis. It’s quite a burden but exciting nonetheless given how many decades I’ve suppressed my authentic self. I say this not to make this about me but to assure you that you’re among friends. Emma

We will stay tuned, Michelle, that’s for certain. And we all have our trials. Not to compare, but, I learned today that my house’s driveway is in code violation and the sellers were aware of it and didn’t disclose it. Caveat emptor and all that. Yet another hassle. :-( Yes, and I agree, that I’m quite fortunate to have these issues to deal with. It’s just that it feels like a “Whack a Mole” game where I’m never quite gaining ground. Stay in touch! Emma

Michelle, It is certainly challenging to find the style(s), colors, fabrics, and let's not forget... shoes! that work for us. It is trial and error. Keep your eyes open and look at other women both in public and in magazines and the web to see what grabs you. Last, since women generally wear much closer fitting clothing the size and fit really matters and all too often an L is just right for me, but sometimes an XL is too small. I like stretchy fabrics since my overall size is 12 or 14 but my waist is an inch or two larger than a cis woman's natural waist so the dress or top needs to accommodate that. Have fun with it! Emma

You didn't drive me away! I've never been much of a chat room-er!

I agree, good decision. But you may change your mind in a month, a year, five years. And that's okay too.

Good for you, Michelle! New dresses are always a joy. And broken sprinklers are not!

I agree, Kitrah, if I had just told him that I'm trans. But I had done it earlier, he'd provided his support via email, and earlier in the dinner told me that he'd told his parents who knew me well when I was a child and in high school. His father remarked that I'd make a pretty woman - which was a big surprise! I thus think that his "genital mutilation" comment came from what he really thought although it wasn't given with any disdain or negative baggage. He did respond to my email and apologized, saying that his ignorance was really on display. So, we're all good!

Good for you Chrissy! Being comfortable - and happy - in our own skin is what it's all about.

I agree, Chrissy. I was really taken aback. He said it without any disdain or attitude but clearly that's how he considered GCS. Hopefully the email I sent to him will clear that up.

Last night I met a male friend for dinner whom I've known since first grade - quite a long while. I'd told him via email that I'm trans a couple of months ago and he was supportive, so he wasn't particularly surprised when I appeared in skinny jeans, athletic pumps, and with studs in my earlobes. He's a successful corporate attorney and is friendly, very articulate, and handsome with designer glasses, died hair, and clothing that while very casual were color- and style-perfect for the occasion. But as an attorney, and a man, he consistently talked over me, peppering me with questions and thoughts while I tried to hold up my side of the conversation. Things like: "You're not going undergo genital mutilation, are you?" I was able to tell him that for me that's a bit over the horizon but also possible. I wasn't able to educate him on the fact that this surgery is in no way any kind of 'mutilation' with what that implies. I will be sending an email to him on that subject. "You're not interested in men?" I tried to tell him that sexuality and gender are orthogonal and unrelated but here again all I could tell him is that I'm only interested in women; I'm a lesbian. None of his comments or body language were delivered in any kind of negative way or overtone. He's told his parents who said that they wish me the best too, and his father (whom I haven't seen in over 40 years) said that he thought I'd make an attractive woman. I was just kind of taken aback at his assumptions and ignorance. As I said I'll send a follow up email to clear this up but imagine how hard it is to effectively us to people whom we've never met?

Hey Michelle, You be careful now, you hear? And as best you can, let us know how it goes for you. I've got my fingers and toes crossed for you. Best wishes, Emma

It's certainly worth it! Have fun, that's the most important prime directive! That said, try to look and be aware of how women dress in your area for various errands, nights out, etc. Yesterday I talked with another trans woman who's planning to attend a gender conference soon. My advice to her was to wear something comfortable (and sure, pretty) with flats. You're certainly prepared for a night out on the town, though. Don't be shy to strut your stuff girl! Emma

I have also experienced how the stars are aligning for me of late. I've made tremendous progress too. I never imagined I'd be able to go out and about dressed as a woman and now it's getting close (but not yet) to be simply another woman living her life. I go to restaurants, therapist, and medical appointments, which involves all the normal city stuff: parking garages, walking along the sidewalks. I've even received several nice compliments. Your post isn't about me of course but I thought you d be interested. i think it's terrific you've painted your nails. I've never done that... yet. A girlfriend suggested that she, another girlfriend, and I go have a manicure and pedicure together and I'm all for that. And then, OMG, go shopping. I really need to do that as winter will soon be upon us and I only have one London Fog raincoat that I bought used. I need sweaters and at least another coat of two. Probably a hat and gloves. Keep it up, Michelle! Keep pushing your boundaries, perhaps in small steps, that's fine, but enjoy your progress. And yes, enjoy how people and events will continue opening up for you! Emma

​Good for you and Nikki, Bree! Your mom is lucky to have you cleaning up her house. I can't imagine having to deal with spoiled food and crap from over a dozen years ago. Three hours to just get through the pantry? What was she using it for, a dump? "Mom is getting the better end of this deal, really." Ya think? !!! Good for you too that your feeling better and Nikki is holding his own. You're both troopers! xxxoooxxx Emma

Michelle, I also congratulate you both for your job as well as becoming yourself, Michelle. I feel that our becoming ourselves is like the genie coming out of the bottle. There's no stuffing her back in! I just feel more and more happy and content as Emma. i also echo Chrissy's sentiment that it's too bad that your progress seems to be tied to your wife's passing. They say that one dour closes and then another opens. True but no one is forced to go through the newly opened door. You are and I commend you! Emma

It's good to write when you're feeling low. Keep doing it! It often helps me to write, either here or mostly in my journal. It's amazing what comes up. You wrote, "I do have some self-esteem issues although I shoudn't." I've been told my therapists that applying these "should's" and "shouldn't's" to ourselves doesn't help. Later, when we feel low, for example, and get down on ourselves because we "shouldn't" feel this way just doesn't help, it can make it worse. Another way to consider it is to mentally notice your feelings, like you're observing from a distance. How bad is it? What does it feel like in your body? Is it the same as before? Worse? Better? It's like you are examining it like you might a pair of shoes, a book, or whatever. Then, put it on the shelf (in your brain) and go on with your day, your friends, your life. These feelings will pass. Emma

When I was young my handwriting was awful. So bad that all too often I couldn't read it myself. It was a scrawl; I just didn't care. About 35 years ago when I started working with computers I forgot how to write in cursive. I'd either type out notes/letters on the keyboard or use printed capital letters, trying to mimic an architect's hand. I was still able to sign my name in cursive but it's always been a scribble, identifiable as mine but otherwise indecipherable. Until a couple of months ago. After I drove away from my life with my wife, heading north to destinations unknown, I wondered if my handwriting had always been so poor because on some level I felt that cursive was too feminine and that having nice handwriting might expose my feelings about myself. Sounds odd, I agree. I found a simple guide to cursive writing on the web and started slowly practicing. Soon it all came back but it's beautiful now! I love it, I'm proud of my writing. I wonder how and why it was so poor before but I think I know. Emma was in my writing and she needed to be kept in her place, out of sight if not out of mind. Not anymore. Yesterday I had a first meeting with a doctor in a Seattle medical center to talk about starting HRT. We got along well and I told her that I didn't want to start right away; I just wanted to get to know each other a little and I'd continue to think about hormone treatment, and possibly have similar meetings with other doctors. She was perfectly fine with this but near the end of the meeting I knew: yes, I want to start, right away. I told her this and she was very okay with that, too. So now I have an appointment with one of her residents on September 11th (I just realized the significance of that date) to start that ball rolling. They know and list me as transgender in my chart with directions to use female pronouns and Emma as my name. Wow. But there's more! A couple of months ago I met with a speech therapist to talk about voice feminization training. She's excellent and performed thorough tests on my voice, glands, and so forth. She had a concern that I might have a vocal chord issue so asked me to have an ENT evaluation before starting work with her. This morning I went to the ENT who inserted a scope up my nostril so she could see my vocal chords as they do their thing. And she gave me a clean bill of health, too. I'll start my vocal training at the end of next week! Still more... I am lucky to have a couple of lesbian old friends in Seattle, who are married to each other. We enjoy each other's company and they have encouraged me to dress however I feel when I'm at their house. But I've still been a little nervous. Well, they introduced me to a good friend of their's, a cis/hetero woman, who is becoming a friend of mine, too. She and I planned to go to a Mexican restaurant together last Saturday night (as a ladies night out, if you will), and I dressed fully, in leggings, a tunic top, makeup (light), some jewelry, and wearing my breast forms. But NO wig! Just my very gray hair which is growing out pretty well but not long enough to be styled as yet. Probably will get it styled near the end of the year. My friend was so nice to me throughout, another woman complemented me on my earrings, and the waiter referred to us as "ladies." It just felt good, ya know? I dressed the same way (but different outfit) yesterday when I went to see my therapist and the endocrinologist. It all went well. A couple of women smiled as we walked past each other; the way I interpreted it was that they could see that I'm a trans woman, and it was if they smiled out of encouragement, nothing else. What an amazing space trip I'm having! Emma

Hey Bree, Delighted to hear how you and Nikki are doing! I'm also making terrific strides and need to write about my progress soon. xxxoooxxx Emma

Hi Chrissy, what a wonderful post! I will return to it as there is so much wisdom there. I really feel similar about taking one's time, taking baby steps. I've not transitioned as yet but I see it on the hazy horizon. Some weeks ago I'd made plans to accelerate, to work on so many things at once, so I would present publicly by the end of August. A couple of weeks ago while driving back toward Seattle I found my anxiety increasing, almost to a panic. And then I had an epiphany: it's okay to downshift and go slow and as you said, it's probably for the best at least for you and me. So that's what I'm doing and am enjoying myself a lot more. It feels right, like today I am wearing skinny jeans, a shirt that is pretty androgynous (but is male), and athletic women's pumps. Because of the skinny jeans I can't put my wallet and keys into the pants pockets so I'm bringing a bag that here again can go either way: it's a canvas messenger bag. I'm still a little nervous but it's more like excitement, as I will be meeting with my real estate agent, and later, attending a large party for the Obliteride bicycle ride that I'll be riding on Sunday. Please keep sharing your experiences and advice. You have so much to offer. Best wishes, Emma

Hi Bree, it's great to hear from you but I'm sorry that you're feeling poorly and also, confronting such insurance isssues. I'm fine but will soon also be talking to insurance folks and I am very apprehensive. I'm seeing other specialists now (about trans transition stuff) and am asking them to avoid documenting my preexisting condition. I know you know what I mean. I really hope your pillow and diet control helps you past this. That has to be so worrisome. Just please be careful that you don't wait so long that the issue gets to be so big that, well, it gets too big. The most important thing is your health. XOXO Emma

Chrissy, I also suffered from Childhood Emotional Neglect, with a clinically depressed mother, a largely absent father, and when they were together a marriage that was awkward at best. I do see this as the genesis of some (much?) of my emotional baggage that I'll carry with me to deal with regardless of where I end up on the transition spectrum. For me, I'm trying to separate exploring/accepting my transgender identity from my other emotional issues. Easy to say, hard to do. You wrote, "A big problem now is the feeling that I can’t, or rather won’t, move forward." We are all on our personal Hero's Journey. Maybe you are experiencing fears or other things that are stalling your progress? But maybe more likely: you've already done so much, my friend, maybe your psyche needs to take a break, have a coffee for some days, weeks, or months. After all, we know that everyone's Journey is just that, a journey, that really never ends. That may sound negative, I hope not. For me the Hero's Journey is an apt metaphor that helps me consider what's up when I experience another of life's normal potholes, and that it's yet another obstacle that like many others I need to explore how to fill it in and move on. Best wishes, Emma

Dear Chrissy, Happy Birthday, even if I'm early! I loved reading your timeline history. You've made such great progress. I also get hopeful that I will also have at least some depression lifted in transition. I don't expect it to change everything at all, but do expect that being a woman will finally solve a major problem for me. We all have fears of being alone, rejected. That's so sad to feel that way. As Karen wrote I also feel that there is someone out there for each of us. But it's scary to think that we just might not encounter that person. I know this: all the times I met new dating partners I wasn't looking or trying. I was just being myself, doing whatever it was I was doing. I think that's a better way to live anyway. Easy for me to say. I'm also sorry to hear about your sister. It sucks how she is treating you. Be you, Chrissy, you're good and lovely, Emma