Emma

Hi Bree, Congratulations on your anniversary and a belated Happy Birthday too! Emma

Hi Michele, I agree that tolerance wasn't the right word to use, and probably my friend meant nothing untoward by using it. All too often I'm a bit overly prepared to sense or take some offense and this may very well be one of those times. Perhaps from his perspective - like most cisgender people - the whole concept of what it means and is to be trans is so foreign that he didn't perceive my need for him to express something stronger and more affirming. Thank you for your feedback. I very much appreciate hearing from you. Love, Emma

Thank goodness, Michele. You're doing the right things for yourself and your body, and you're coming through fine. So glad to hear this from you. Emma

I've been coming out to professionals, friends, and family, over the past few months, and yesterday evening I decided to send an email to a male friend. I've been apprehensive about telling him I'm transgender because I have sensed that he may be less understanding than others and might say something hurtful. Nevertheless I sent the email that covered all the bases: my gender-related desires and feelings since preschool, my shame and depression, and how it all adds up to the fact that I am transgender. I felt it was comprehensive but not too long and I hoped that as a friend I've seen for a dinner every month for more than ten years he'd understand and express sincere support. Here's what I received: "Well, I hope that there was nothing that I said or did over the years that made you think that I would be hostile or unaccepting or anything like. I try to be tolerant and I hope that I seem tolerant too. Anyway, none of what you wrote is offputting or means that you're stuck from the "friend" list. I don't want to say something that will be misinterpreted, but the sexual proclivity or gender choice (I realize that these are two different things) of my friends just doesn't matter any more than their height or color or whatever. (Now, if you came out and said that you voted for Trump, that might be a problem.) " Maybe I'm being too sensitive - it wouldn't be the first time - but I needed to clear at least one thing up, so here's what I wrote back to him: "No, there was nothing you ever said or did that particularly worried me. Sharing my secret is tough, that's all. It's like finally admitting to a lie. Not to put too fine a point on it, but let me say that it's not a proclivity or a choice. I agree that it's like hair color or height, or being gay for that matter; modern science agrees that it's biological. I was just born this way. It's a tough row to hoe." Although I know that emails and written "conversations" are fraught with misunderstanding I wanted to be clear that being transgender is certainly not a choice. He hasn't responded yet but as I think about it this morning I think all will be okay. That said, overnight I mulled his use of the word "tolerant" as if hey, he's tolerant so isn't that good or righteous? It came to me this morning that it is not: I tolerate a spider on the ceiling, a few dust bunnies in the corner, and dirty dishes in the sink after dinner. But eventually I grab the stepstool and a tissue to nab the spider, vacuum the room, and wash the dishes. So yes, tolerance is better than hate or rejection, but it's not enough. I don't know exactly what is enough but tolerance isn't it. In an ideal world being transgender would be like having blue eyes or blond hair - not even thought about by most, perhaps appreciated by some. But we don't live in an ideal world so I feel that I have to come up with a compromise. Maybe and especially from friends and family I'd like to hear that, regardless of my being transgender, they love and support me. I don't think that's too much to ask.

I realized yesterday how much this kind of exploration really works for me. I love traveling without much of an itinerary, allowing myself to enjoy the experience, confront challenges, and go with the flow. For example, I'm finding that Mesa is a little chilly for me and decided to move this coming Friday. I used the weather app on my iPhone to look for warmer areas within a couple of hundred miles and was surprised to see that the Flagstaff area (Grand Canyon, Sedona) is about 60 degrees so I made a reservation there. But yesterday on the radio I heard that it's 30 degrees there, and snowing! Brrr. I did some more work on the iPhone and I don't know why but it shows the wrong info for Flagstaff, so I cancelled the reservation and am now heading to Santa Margarita, California on Friday. And yes, the time for introspection is wonderful. I keep coming across things serendipitously. Yesterday while driving around I heard the TED Radio Hour on NPR, a show that discussed the 5 senses we have. One interview (on vision) featured Isaac Lidsky, who started losing his sight starting at age 12 and was completely blind in his early 20s. What a remarkable man. When he first heard his diagnosis he literally thought his life was over, that he was doomed to a lonely and unhappy life. Somehow he realized that he could approach the problem by reframing, especially with two questions: 1) Precisely what problem am I experiencing now? 2) What exactly am I going to do about it, now? I found this very moving. All too often I get caught up in my worries and fears, and feel lost. I can't help but recall Lidsky's situation and find his questions so convenient and useful. In case you'd like to listen to the NPR show, here's a link. Look for the show about the 5 senses: http://www.npr.org/podcasts/510298/ted-radio-hour

Hey Warren, Me too, I've been thinking of you and hoped you were doing okay. Congratulations on your promotion although I'm sorry to read about all of the insurance mess. I hope things are much better for you these days than when you worked in the kitchen. Be well, Emma

As some of you may know I'm on a rather extended road trip through the end of February, having stayed in San Diego (Chula Vista) for a couple of weeks, and am now in Mesa, Arizona. Why am I on this trip? My wife and I felt that it would be good for both of us, to provide some space for us to clear our heads and consider our future. The first week and a half were pretty emotional and rough for me. I kept falling into a funk as I felt lonely and sad. Traveling by myself isn't the best (no one to share adventures with) and leads to all sorts of mind games, rehashing the past, assuming the worst for the future, all that. A few days ago my fog lifted and it's not returned. I'm not manic or whatever, just calm and centered. Part of it is that I am simply accepting my transgender nature. (Yeah, I know you've heard it before but I mean it this time!) At the risk of upsetting the karma I am liking myself and how I feel, as a trans woman who may not need to present as such outwardly but knows who she is internally. I've been reading Harry Benjamin's "The Transexual Phenomenon" which, while over 50 years old, offers helpful insights into the spectrum of transgender people. I wish there was a similar book published more recently. (If you know of one please let me know.) I'm also grateful that I can even have this experience. Most people probably can't afford it. I'm staying in KOA "Kamping Kabins" that are about $65/night, and I prepare almost all of my food so I'm keeping expenses down. It does get chilly at night so I bundle up and get cozy. I've driven over 1,200 miles so far and spent about $100 on gas; thanks Prius! I'm also grateful that I've been receiving such warm affirmations from friends and family lately: Bree, Michael, Monica, Jack, David, Paul, Dara, Joanna, Rob, and Glenn. It helps so much to be able to talk to them on the phone or via email from time to time and not just about TG stuff. That's about it for now. I'm in Mesa until Friday and then driving to Flagstaff, which while more northern appears that the temperature will be livable for me. Best wishes to all, Emma

You are certainly making good progress Bree, good for you. I've also often said something along the lines of "whatever you'd like" to the question of what to eat, which movie to see, whatever. I learned something from my wife that helped us. As I'm sure you understand, making these choices is kind of a burden. You're having to come up with choices, make a choice, and all along, hope that your partner likes your choice. Sometimes it's nice not to have to deal with it and let the other person choose. From my perspective I was assuming that by giving her the choice I was being flexible and supportive, but I learned that sometimes (often?) that's not the way it's received. So maybe that's a good topic for discussion with Nikki, and it might also reduce some of your resentment which is always a good thing. Nip it in the bud!

Mike, I remembered just now that you'd started a blog and came over for a look see, and glad I did. Your poem speaks to me just now in a deep way. I really appreciate coming across it. And no nail polish on me. I'm a woman in my heart and soul. Pretty on the inside and all that. Emma

Hey Ronnie, Good to see you back. Now you're my brother? Bro! I'm cool with that. We're a family here on TGGuide and love to hear from friends and relatives. I think it's wonderful that you're making some progress with your health as well as (of course) Vi's. Good for you that you found a counselor to talk things over with. He sounds terrific. And for you not being as good a spouse as you should have been? I know of the guilt and remorse of that, and not to compare severity, I think we all do. The important thing is to not dwell on the past as much as do what you can today and tomorrow. And it really sounds like you are. Keep it up my friend, great to hear from you! Best wishes to Violet. Emms

Curl up in a comforter with Nikki, have a flashlight handy nearby, and enjoy the ride. I have been in hurricanes, blizzards, and monsoons, and fortunately have never been hurt. There is something so awesome about experiencing such majesty. isn't there? I know it's spooky and all and I don't mean to minimize any realistic concerns you have, and I wish you and your family the very best.

Hi Christie, Thank you very much for supplying your thoughts and feedback. As I imagine you saw in yesterday's blog post (and perhaps getting weary of hearing me say it) I am yet again accepting the fact that I'm transgender. So, that's a label I wear and it's the one I've used when coming out recently to family and friends. For most the way I started the conversation was by saying something that is very true for me, "since I was about 4 or 5 years old I always wanted to play on the girls' team." I wanted to be a girl, plain and simple. And now at 60 I'm not sure what other label I should use for myself or if I even need one. I don't know what I feel comfortable with. I imagine that will come with time and experience. Hi Bree, Excellent points my friend. In fact I was thinking that way exactly as I mentally prepared to come out to my sons, and I hoped it would start a conversation. I did give them the first line that I quoted above, and then as a follow on said that I am transgender. For my 28 year old, it was the start of a lot of talk, emails, and SMSs over the following week or so. It was fun for me because he was so interested in learning more, and completely accepting. For my 32 year old it was more of a quick, "Okay, you're transgender, and no, I don't need to know more than that." He didn't say it negatively and since I had no idea how to interpret his response I let it go. We spent the rest of the time just catching up on our lives and plans. Take care and be well! Emma

Although professionals and others, after reviewing my history and story, have assured me that I am transgender that's been a hard pill to swallow at times. I always come way wondering if I might have consciously or unconsciously told them only what I wanted them to know or in a way that manipulates their judgement. And even if I accept that I've been as transparent as I can be I have then questioned their authority to make the determination. This has all been so exhausting, like running the wheel in a hamster cage. But I think I'm coming to an acceptance that I am what I am, and I am transgender. I hope this blog post will provide an example that might help others struggling with this question. So here's what I did: a couple of months ago I started compiling a history of memories and trans feelings/experiences that I grouped into categories by age and school (for when I was younger). Not all of my memories came to me at once so I added as I thought of more of them. It helped to write them down because it's so hard to keep all those details in mind. That process helped a lot but it wasn't complete. A few days ago I added a one or two sentence summary of that time period that kind of distills what came up for me during that time period. Wow. It is what it is and at this point I think it's undeniable. Here's the whole thing as of today: Emma’s TG History <6 years: preschool and kindergarten Where I discovered my shame about wanting to be girly and do girly things, and the powerful need to keep it strictly hidden from others. But as an only child where did that shame come from? I assume I learned it from my mother, before I have memories, when I rebelled against her making me be a boy. Wore out my baby blanket’s satin edging; I loved the feel of it.Twirling like a ballerina at another child’s birthday party; ashamed and stopped before “being caught.”Wanted to learn to curtsey with the girls in preschoolPlaying with the girls in the kindergarten kitchenettes; afraid of the boys play and what they would thinkPlaying with neighbor friend (who much later came out as gay): making up stories with little characters6-12 years: grade school Like a sponge I soaked up knowledge about girls and women, contemplated what it would be like, and fostered fantasies. I spent hours surreptitiously investigating in magazines, newspapers, television, and catalogs. Wanted to be a Blue Bird in 1st gradeWished I could be a mermaidWanted stirrup pants like the girls: how would they feel to wear?Rolled up in my Nana’s satin comforter; shamed by her to stop. Playground: with the girls playing hopscotch, gymnastics on barsUnexpressed wishing mother would buy leotard and tights for meBedtime fantasies of being dressed as a girl, transported away into space. Or, dressed in a harem girl’s costume, living in an I Dream of Jeanie bottle, with Jeanie.Fixated on catalog with sleeping bra, wanting one, trying to figure out how to order and receive it secretly.TV: That Girl, Girl from UNCLE, Flying Nun, The Avengers, I Dream of Jeanie, BewitchedFavorite movies: Patty Duke, The Sound of Music, Three Lives of ThomasinaWanted to be able to cry and wear a ring like a girl at school13-18 years: junior and high school Covert actions taken to experience clothing, the good feelings that emerged were undeniable. "Subtly" trying to encourage mother to buy a tutu for meHand-sewing camisole and romper out of rags while parents at AA meetingsTrying on girdles from Goodwill bagCutting panties from discarded pantyhose to wear under clothing or to bedBought black long-sleeved leotard at dance clothing store; returned a year later to buy black tights. I had to wait or risk their remembering me.Wearing mother’s swimming suit when parents were out for the eveningLake Berryessa: bought pantyhose to wear and hang out in, on weekend alone. It felt marvelous but lonely.Wanted to crossdress with girlfriend; she was okay with it but I was too cautiousStole girl's skirt, top, and slip from restaurant restroom Continually looking for discarded/lost girl’s clothing Found yellow girly panties on lawnFound multicolored panties in HS parking lot18-24 years: college More clothing and my first-time experience going out dressed. But otherwise a low point in my TG world as I tried to be what I was supposed to be. Stole blue leotard from clothes wash room in dormHalloween: dressed as coed (skirt, girls sweater) for party, loving it and yet feeling so alone, afraid to show that I loved it too much and that I’d be found out.Twenties More clothing and dressing. Found navy blue dance panties in parking lotBought leotard and tights at dance storeBought leotard at flea marketHalloween (1981): on the Castro as a nurse. What a great time I had, just being me if only for a few hours.Halloween (1982): on the Castro as a bride. Not quite as much fun but a good time nonetheless.Wearing leotard/panties during sexThirties Explorations, confronting fears by buying clothing. Wearing panties and nightgown during sexVisited TV/TS bar in Munich: a long walk from my hotel but I left shortly after arrival; too scared.Foxy Lady Boutique – SF: dress and lingerieLingerie boutique - Mountain View: corset and stockingsForties Exploring what it means, terrified to come out and be accepted. Once again, full withdrawal. Accumulating very small wardrobeKOA Santa Cruz: much research, writing, desperate for acceptance and understanding. Drove to LA to crossdressing clothing store; bought a dress, lingerie.Delivered overly comprehensive report to my wife that I hoped she would see it all as no big deal. Just the opposite, she was devastated.Serious suicide considerationsCarla's Boutique: bought dress, bra, otherFifties Discovering the new transgender vocabulary, that being trans is inborn, not a choice. Wondering how far on the spectrum I will need to travel. Finally: full disclosure with therapist, wife, and gender therapist. Bringing leotard and tights on business tripsIt all emerges again: much more explorationConfrontations with my wifeSerious suicide attempts, much considerationClothing bought on Amazon, REI, Carla’s, dance store…Gender therapist’s confirmationAttended TG/TS group meetings at Carla's and with gender therapistParticipation in on-line support groups TGGuide and CrossdreamLifeWearing dresses and skirts in private at home; nightgown to bedSixties With disclosures, my shame is about gone. Still hard to accept this reality at times. What will I do if my marriage collapses and I’m on my own? Realization that I'd always wanted to be small and treasured: does that mean female, or perhaps loved by my mother? I think it's the former but it's probably both.Wearing dresses and skirts in private at home; nightgown to bedComing out to family and friends: all going relatively wellIncreasingly accepting that I do not see a need to socially or surgically transitionAttended TDoV, TDoR in San Francisco; surprised I don’t feel much of a bond with these people.Dara Hoffman-Fox’s book and workbook: worked through the exercises, provided her with edits for her next edition.

Hi Bree, Well... There is a variety of sanders - they are all specialized. Belt sanders are handy at times, and so are the orbital disk sanders. Most of the time if you're building shelving/cabinetry with new wood you don't really need a sander. For sanding off little places where you've filled in nail head holes with putty, hand sanding is fine. Same thing for saws. Wow! I've had a radial arm saw (don't recommend it), a Skil saw (very handy), a full table saw (awesome and cool, but pricey), and a sliding mitre saw - also so great, especially for things like cutting molding for ceilings and floors. It might be best to buy a couple of good hand saws, one for finish sawing with fine teeth and one for cross cutting, with larger teeth. Sure they take more effort but then you'd gain a better understanding of what you want/need. After all it wasn't so long ago that no one had power tools! BTW: if you need to strip paint, don't try to just sand it off. Use a paint stripper (that you can buy at Home Depot or Lowe's) and a scraper to remove most of it. Then you can sand it. But if you're hoping to strip it down to the bare wood for refinishing with something clear then, don't do it! You'll; never get all of the old paint off. Good luck, Emma

Hi Bree, Ah yes, power tools. I have and have had many. Built furniture, gates, lots of things. First thing is safety: you always have to wear goggles. It may sound odd but in many cases it's better not to wear gloves because you lose so much feeling in gloves. What tool(s) to buy and use first? I'm thinking a hand drill, probably battery powered. And drill bits and center punches (maybe 2-3 different sizes). It's fun and handy to use, and also pretty darned safe. Just be sure you know what is on the other side of the thing you're drilling into. If you're making a hole in a wall, for example, you might run into a pipe or electrical wiring. Or if you're drilling into a board, put a board on the other side that you don't care about so you don't ruin something underneath. Another handy tip: if you want to limit the depth of the hole, or keep track of how far the drill's gone into the wood, measure from the tip of the bit to the distance you want (like 1/2" for example) and wrap a small piece of masking tape around the bit with the edge of the tape marking that distance. Easy peezy. What else? So many things! What will more likely happen is that as you work on your project(s) you'll find that you need another tool, so it might be better to wait for the project than buy many tools now. They are expensive. Remember: we learn from mistakes, so try to go slowly so you minimize the mistakes and their damage, but hey, that's how we learn. My dad used to always say, "Too soon stupid, too late smart," which is another way of saying that we learn from experience. That's life, my friend. Emma

Hey Bree, Youre about the most not crazy lady I know. Truly. Have a wonderful Christmas. Tomorrow morning I'm heading out to buy a couple of live two pound Dungeness crabs. I'll prepare them tomorrow evening. Crab, butter, Sourdough bread, and champagne. Doesn't get much better than that! Merry Christmas! Emma

To all, including Bree: Monica has been having some problems with her older Windows machine (who hasn't?) and accidentally deleted her post with Bree's feedback and maybe others. She asked me for help and this is about the best I can do. Please understand! Happy holidays, Emma

Hey Bree, Sincere bravo to your fitting into your new clothes! Very good for you physically and mentally I'm sure. Emma

Like so many of these videos I've watched Just Gender at least a half dozen times. It's as if I need a reassurance that my feelings are valid. Each time I watch it I'm confirmed: I share so many of the same feelings and experiences. That helps me so much. Today, I watched Just Gender with my 28-year old son. I came out to him a few days ago and have been sharing several videos with him. I think he really got it with this one. It's exhaustive and thorough, and at the end there's no doubt that we feel what we feel and we are what we are. I think this is an important documentary and recommend it. Emma

Wow! Great for you! Merry Christmas!

It didn't work out the way you meant but Nikki knows what you do for him, and you both are doing great. Hang in there kiddo. Emma

Well said, Bree. Like so many things, I could've lived my life and marriage(s) much better but for a lot of things. I remember when in my twenties I just didn't comprehend wisdom. I assumed it was all talk that was used to invalidate me. About four decades later I get it. I certainly wish I knew then what I know now! And yes, truthfulness and open communication are everything. I was sort of open to my wife about my TG feelings before we married and about ten years ago. By "sort of" I told her what I thought I knew, which was very very hard for me given how much shame I carried around it. And when my feelings were categorically denied I suppressed as best I could (and I was well practiced in that) until almost three years when she encouraged me to return to therapy and fortunately, the therapist was encouraging and supportive in my oh so slowly and painfully letting it out. Which led to my exploration, research, and what I feel is much better understanding of who I am and self-acceptance. But now my knowledge that I am transgender is looking like it may be a deal breaker for our marriage. At first I was so deeply hurt by that understanding. I justified that hurt by telling myself that my being trans can be considered similar to other conditions that might arise, such as cancer, dementia, etc. But those are diseases and being trans is not at all in that category. And the more I thought about it the more I realized that if my being trans is a deal breaker for her then it is what it is. It's tragic for both of us and fault-free for both of us. Who knows why it bothers her so much but that doesn't really matter. I could try to guilt her into trying to become more accepting and maybe through that hope that she'd gradually become accepting. But that's no way to live for either of us. I think now that a fundamental characteristic of a successful/happy marriage is unconditional acceptance. Without that there is always that elephant in the room. But I also believe that unconditional acceptance doesn't have to mean that (for example) she needs to delight in my coming into the room wearing a dress. That would be great but maybe there is another way for us to achieve that. I don't know what it is and I'm willing to explore it with her if she's willing. Of that I'm not certain at this time. I'm exploring that with her in the coming weeks and maybe months. I do certainly agree with your characterization of the "defense of marriage." It's all hyperbole used as a way to justify fear-based prejudices and concerns that are baseless and otherwise unsupportable. I don't know why some people feel that way. I could guess and maybe I'd be close to the truth. My hurling attacks at them doesn't do any good so I don't bother. I just try to support what I believe in and live as good a life as I can. You're a wise woman, Bree. Thank you for your posts. Emma

Dear Michele, Wonderful post, thank you. Here's a quick excerpt that I agree with so much: "So the first step to being happy about the person you have become, is thinking about if everything is as you would have done it, or are you at least at a spot in life where you can be happy to continue." I think it's all too easy for us to get morbid, to think of alternatives that ease the feelings. The feelings run so deep, don't they? We are a loose community of like-minded people, and we are here for each other. You are a good and valued person, Michele. I feel fortunate to at least know you here on TG Guide. Sincerely, Emma

Yeah, stick with green hair, and avoid yellow. Rock the sequins, girl!

Hi Bree, Most definitely, I do understand and share your feelings. I called my shrink today to have an urgent meeting tomorrow, as I'm also way in the danger zone. It sucks to feel this way. But I love your description of dropping the soap. That made me smile. I hope you're feeling better of course. Emma