Emma

Bree, My oh my, what a great writer you are. It may sound trite, but, thank you for sharing this. You have a lot to teach me. I certainly knew that boys and girls were different at a much earlier age, in nursery school. The boys were taught to shake hands, the girls to curtsey. Even then, I wanted to curtsey with the girls, and I knew I was not supposed to want that. I don't know how or why, I just knew. Youre quite correct, we are much less free than we may think. Compared to others around the world though, we are fortunate and I'm grateful. Reading your post, im grateful to know you and to be part of this community. Hugs, Emma

Dear Stephanie, Thank you for your kind compliments! The dress is pretty, isn't it? I got it on Amazon. I had not been intending to shop but you know how they send you emails with advertisements, and this dress caught my eye. Next thing I knew it was on its way to me. Thank you again. Your words mean a lot to me. Emma

My friend has a cap with the words "Life is Good" on it. I often wonder if he realizes how much it affects me. I'm feeling that way these days. I am increasingly realizing how unbelievably oppressive it was (and is) to live with such strong feelings and hurts about wishing one is the opposite gender from their birth sex. And, how we can be conditioned to work so hard to suppress it to get along. But that "getting along" for me meant waiting for it to be over. Which seemed like such a waste. So today I'm posting a photo of my new pink dress. Even when shopping for it (yes, on Amazon) I hesitated ordering such a bright and pretty color. Conditioning strongly at work that tells me that certain shades of blue, green, maybe a brown would be okay. But not girly pink! But I'll tell you, I LOVE it. I really do. And it's a nice soft cotton, which is perfect as the temperature is getting a little warmer. I did attend TDoV on Thursday. Call me old but honestly, it didn't do much for me. Kind of reminded me of street fairs I attended a few decades ago on the Castro. But then again, all happy people having a good time. What I enjoyed the most was talking to several people as we ate finger food and had a glass of wine before the main event. It was fun to meet more transgender people who are all happy and well adjusted. Funny story: I met another Emma! But she was probably 20-30 years younger than me and had never even heard of Emma Peel, which cracked me and another couple (my age) up. What fond memories I have of watching all of Emma's moves in The Avengers so long ago. She was my dream. I'd also like to say goodbye to Patty Duke. I know that wasn't her real name but that was who she was to me. When I was young my parents used to drop me off for an outdoor movie night at Lake Berryessa. I remember watching her in at least one movie and, as with Emma Peel, watching Patty so intently while trying to slowly chew my Milk Duds. And of course I also loved the Patty Duke Show... So yeah. Life is Good. Love you all, Emma

I'm not a huge fan of cruise ships, but I'm glad you guys enjoy them. We did take a cruise down the coast of Norway a couple of years ago, and that was very fun and beautiful. As for the Caribbean, my ex-wife and I stayed on Virgin Gorda and Tortola for a couple of weeks about 25 years ago, and had a great time. We were able to fly for free on United because of my frequent flyer miles, and we saved money on the hotel bill by going in the off-season with reservations. Believe it or not, we got there, rented a car, and started visiting resorts and offering to stay there if they gave us a great price. Which they did! Of course they were happy to have our money - even if it was a lot less than normal. And, I love the drink called a "Pain Killer"! Haven't had one in a very long time. I seem to recall it's dark rum plus pineapple juice, maybe some coconut juice too. It really did the trick! Emma

My therapist suggested a book that I really liked, and I have read many of these kinds of books. Most of them didn't do much for me, except for those by Brene Brown. Anyway, this one provides a very interesting and logical framework for how I learned patterns for dealing with emotions, and provides some ideas on how to address them. It might help you too: "Living Like You Mean It: Use the Wisdom and Power of Your Emotions to Get the Life You Really Want".

Bree is very wise, kind, and has good advice. Keep talking, don't withdraw into a shell. It can feel cozy for a short while but it's not very helpful in sorting things out.

Welcome! I can certainly relate to the feelings you're expressing. Wow, so many years... For me, finally coming to terms and acceptance of myself reminds me of the relief I felt as a child when I was unburdened by, finally, admitting the truth. I don't mean to frighten you but please allow yourself time and patience. The mind does many things to protect us and some of those things take a while to adapt. One piece of good news is that TGG is a warm and friendly place. BTW: should we call you Monk? Hugs, Emma

Thank you for writing this. Not having MPD I am as unconscious and unaware about it as cisgender people are about what it means and feels like to be transgender. You are adding an understanding that I had not considered before.

Dear Lisa, Wow, your post touches on one of my deepest fears. I'm glad for you that you seem to be handling it okay. That said, I hope you have someone near by that you can talk to and, maybe, grieve with. I'm like you in that as a woman I'm very much a lesbian. I guess that if I was to transition I might explore myself with men but as it is now I cannot imagine it. But I would like to have the door held open for me from time to time. :-) You have my very best wishes, Emma

I think your last sentence sums it all nicely for all of us, trans or not. Emma

Down days definitely suck, don't they? I certainly experienced one from Thursdsy night through Friday afternoon. It's a long story, same old cycle for me. This morning I look back on it and, once again, am thankful for my wife and life, but also planning on jotting down some notes to discuss with my therapist. All too often by the time I see him I've forgotten too many details about the experience for us to have enough to work on. A good news for this week is that I will see him on Wednesday evening because, on the Thursdsy? Transgender Day of Visibility! Hope you're feeling better, Nicki.

Hey Ben! Great to hear from you, and I'm so happy to hear about your success with the bathroom, starting T, and mostly, feeling good in your very own skin. I think that's awesome. What are you studying in school, by the way? Hope this semester is a great one for you. Hugs, Emma

Christie, Sounds perfect for you! I've thought about what it would mean to be a therapist. I think it takes a combination of patience, empathy, and ability to be vulnerable. It's so easy for me, as the client, to sit across from my therapist(s) and expect them to have the answers which, of course, they don't. What they can and try to do is facilitate our coming out with it, with their guidance and support especially for whatever those such as us bring along for the ride. Really, I think it's a fantastic calling and I wish you the very best. Emma

More thinking on this. Let's say that Cait was a staunch Democrat. A very public believer in all that we believe in too. Imagine then how the Republicans would react to her. "Here we go again, another trans liberal wanting us to change our minds about what we know is right." They'd dismiss her. As it is, though, they can't deny her. She is one of them. Another brick in the wall, torn down. I rather like that!

I don't really care for Cait either. I dont enjoy having having a cup of coffee with someone who has such extreme views that are polar opposite mine. Worse, I can tell that she is so narcissistic that she would be more into hearing herself speak than having a conversation. But. I am a Democrat. I do firmly believe in free use of toilets for all, as well as freedom for trans and anyone to do, be, or present as they please. So, for Caitlyn Jenner, a highly visible and avowed Republican to come out the way she has is, in my opinion, good for us. Her presence creates discourse, even among conservatives like her. In some ways she is putting us on the map. But. Like Eve, I have no interest in watching her shows, reading articles about her, or (probably) buying books about her. Emma

Yo, Ren! Right on!

Hi Alex, Thanks for your post. I watched all of Her Story too and really enjoyed it! Hugs, Emma P.S. Please send my love to Ren. I miss him too.

Bree, As you so often do, you bring up very interesting points to discuss. Where to begin? 1. To me it's odd that transgender is even included in LGBT... "They" are about sexuality and we are about gender. I think we ride on their coat tails because our voice is so small. But maybe over time ours will emerge without them. For now I'm happy to be included somewhere! 2. Indeed, some gay people look down on transgender people. But those who are 100% gay or lesbian sometimes look down on the bisexual people too. It reminds me of the 60's Black Panthers looking down on the folks following MLK. After all, didn't they have a common cause? Maybe from my perspective but I suppose I am naive. Heck, I've also personally experienced being dissed by transsexual people for not being trans enough. I was hurt at the time but nowadays when I think about it I chuckle. 3. Entire planet is screwed up. Yes. Ask Sunnis and Shia. Ask Indians caught up in their caste system. Or the aborigines in Australia. Or here, those over 50 (or 40) vs. those younger. Im also reminded of the Kink's song "Lola": it's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world, except for Lola! Hmmm, maybe I should change my name. Emma

Hi Brigsby, Congratulations on your surgery. I am sure everyine here feels the same! Hugs, Emma

Way to go, Lisa! Good to hear from you, too.

As some here will recognize this "nature vs. nurture" thing has bothered me at times. At my age it hardly matters. It's not as if knowing that is going to change anything for me. But I've always felt it would help me to know that I was born this way. Last week I wrote about it a bit in this post: Chicken or the Egg: Nature vs. Nurture As I often do I shared my post with my therapist; we talked about it last Thursday evening. I love the way that I'm able to share my posts with him, and to receive his support and encouragement. As we talked about the nature vs. nurture question I mentioned that for the last couple of weeks I've not been feeling those transgender visceral needs/wants/envies. When this has happened in the past it's been both a relief and a regret, and a wonder when or if they will return and if I can possibly recognize a trigger for those feelings. Maybe now, I speculated, that I feel a bit more in touch with what happened to me emotionally in early childhood I'll discover that my transgender nature emerged from my rather strained nurturing? Without hesitation he replied, "Ebb and flow sounds completely natural to me. Not like a habit at all. And maybe that also reflects that, as a woman, the need, thrill, or awareness of dressing becomes unimportant until, for some reason it arises as a need to 'get your girl on.'" We talked about it some more. He said that it also seems evidently nature-based because, after all, I kept returning to these feelings throughout my childhood and life. As a young child (3-4-5 years old) I could have reacted in many ways to feeling emotionally suppressed. I could have been defiant, or a bully, or... Instead, I envied, dreamed, and often considered, being a girl. And those feelings were consistent through elementary school, junior high, high school, and college. It wasn't simply a reaction, it was me, expressing herself! How cool is that? Hmmm, that feels good. Gee, do I feel an inkling of Pride? I can hear Star Trek's Mr. Spock, "Interesting emotion, Emma!"

Hi Michele, You look lovely! I wish I could look so pretty. It's good to hear from you, on your progress, and your life. I'm sure that dealing with people who love you like family is harder. They really care and want the best for you. But only you know the direction of your North Star. It's your journey to take. It takes courage and strength and I can tell from your writing that you have it within you. Hugs, Emma

I'm happy to provide anything I can, but can't now as I have to go to work! I'll write later for sure. I do empathize with your situation and feelings, Bree, I want you to know that.

Bree, I think this is a terrific post and brings up some great points. At the real risk of offending Nikki or maybe others, I believe that a focus on the superficial aspects of ones trans gender is an early stage of the exploration and consideration of what it all means for the individual, and I think that is perfectly natural. Your reaction is perfectly normal too. Like an Austrlian woman I know, she referred to her boobs as her "floppy bits" as if they have little importance to her. But for me, seeing women and conceiving myself as having the body of a woman, breasts, and curves, and hair, and yes, clothing, are all very important visual cues of femininity. Maybe it would help to consider transmen. At times they "pack" meaning that they wear a rubber phalus in their underwear so as to show (and feel, I imagine) a bulge down there in their pants. Okay, but for me, I don't even think of the darned thing. Like you, it came with the package and I don't even think about it. Good for you for writing your thoughts. I imagine that that felt a little risky. Hugs, Emma

HI Brigsby, Congratulations! I am sure you're feeling relief and delight. Also, some impatience for healing? Makes perfect sense to me. For the photos, yes, it's weird. For a blog you select a button called "upload" as I recall and then find the file on your computer and select it. I'm typing now on my iPad so I can't be more specific. Hope this helps and, more, that you make a very fast recovery! Emma